husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

but you stated how he had looked after us for 20
years when thats simply not the case!and yes leaving when your unhappy is one thing , how you go about it is another. but why be nasty and make up
other stuff, that does mot strike me as someone who has a happy life , just a keyboard warrior

Yes, I agree with you @beingtakenforafool

Ignore this poster as they're just sticking the boot in. I don't know what people get from this sort of nastiness but it's really unhelpful to someone who is devastated by what's happening to them.

Go back to your lovley life then and stop kicking people when they are down.
Hope it never happens to you!Yes people don't have to stay if they're unhappy but they are often deluded about what it will mean long term.It doesn't sound like this particular fella has much to offer.

yes leaving when your unhappy is one thing , how you go about it is another.

People who become horrible after they leave do so usually because they know they are at fault and can't handle that fact. They get nasty so they can shift the blame to the innocent party.

been more than a week now and its not any easier , dreading the bank holiday weekend - 4 full days why everyone is busy with families etc. We would have normally done a few days out , meals etc . Instead I am on my own. adult dc are around some of it and family thing on sunday. Think I need to find a new hobby locally - need to see what is around. days are fine as at work and early evenings as tidying/ doing dinner, see adult dc, its the night and going to bed is the worst. when someone has been next to you for 26 years pretty much, its so hard. I am functioning on about 5 hrs sleep , I think if I can start sleeping better that will help a lot. Having to do everything also hard, housework, dog , dinner , shopping, house maintenance. He did use to help around the house but in same breath there is a little less mess and washing.

Oh sweetie, its only been a week. Give yourself permission to feel it all, it will pass but only if you allow yourself to feel what you feel. It will pass, I promise, but sadly there are no short cuts, it takes time.

I remember it well but in a few weeks you wont be feeling like this, I promise xx

@beingtakenforafool

Listen to @PyongyangKipperbang . Because she's right. It has only been a week. It's not realistic to think that you'd be over things in 7 days.

Give yourself permission to grieve, to become angry or sad. Trying to keep yourself busy is all well and good, but sometimes we just have to stop and let the emotions wash over you for a little while. Then just take a deep breath and move forward. It will get better in time.

have found out can get some free legal advice through work and some counselling, so legal appt booked and waiting on the counselling. Very much like grieving but knowing they also chose to leave you. He spoke to me about being able to be amicable , said at this moment in time , no chance. I don’t even want to see you , trying to ease his guilt, but he should feel guilty for how he ended it and making it so messy. had he been honest with me 6 months ago, yes it would still hurt but all the rest on top, makes it hurt even more and has tainted 27 years of memories. I know wonder if he hasn’t loved me for years and just been waiting for kids to grow up , so have been living a lie for a long term. Don’t think I will ever look for another relationship as the damage he has done to me is immense.

Also he aware that there will be times when you feel okay and times when it hits you like a train. Recovery from this isn't linear. Look after yourself

I'm a year in post divorce and there are days when I cry and it feels like it happened yesterday but if I look back I can see a general improvement overall. Please get whatever support is available and lean on friends and family as others have said. A ceot the feelings and give yourself grace. It will become easier and you will regain some self belief and your pride.

**accept

first holiday on my own, been tough. tried fo
keep busy but its hard as we would normally have done days out, had a family easter sunday etc
need to meet to finalise some bits still but seeing him kills me. I feel anxious all the time at the moment and still reeling at how much he has changed in just a short while and how he can just move in like nothing has happened. all our plans for this year - holidays etc all cancelled now and I am fed up spending time with family and friends as all couples and feel the ofd one out now, need to learn to like my own company, but thats something I have never been very good at

@beingtakenforafool

I find writing down my values and keeping a journal showing how I stuck by my values each day is helpful when times are hard.

A playlist with brand new songs on. One you like on the radio, one your friend played at lunch. One from a tv show etc. But nothing that reminds you of your ex.

1001 albums is great for this. Add your favourites to a playlist (which don’t remind you of your marriage). You can invite a friend to do it with you. Maybe someone on here would join you in a listening journey!

1001albumsgenerator.com/

Also write a list of everything you enjoy. Even tiny things.

For example: I love coffee in the garden when the sun rises, my favourite yellow dress, my favourite book by x author, watching a partic band live, paddling in the sea and then sitting on the sand, tuna sandwiches, walking barefoot on grass, a partic body lotion, when I learnt an instrument, dancing in my living room, playlists, waking up in a tent, camp fires etc.

Try and write over 2 sides of A4. More if you can. Then look for ones you can do easily - tuna sandwiches and walking barefoot on grass I could do immediately. Look for ones you can treat yourself to - body lotion, band.

And look for long term ones - camping holiday and relearning an instrument.

Design your life. Rewrite it. Call it chapter 2. But use your list to make it how YOU want it to be.

Good luck, have fun! Chapter 2 awaits.

This post is full of useful suggestions.

After exH & I split up I began to realise how much of myself I had given up, just to be with him.

So I set about putting it right.

I went for facials, waxing, had a new hairstyle, had a fashion makeover ( got "colour-coded") learned how to pick out bargains in charity shops, got rid of stuff on eBay.
Then I took up playing a musical instrument again, joined an ensemble and did charity concerts.
I learned how to sail and passed my Yachtmaster exams.
I joined a gym and went vegetarian.
I spent more time in the garden.
I made new friends, learned basic decorating and Indian cookery.

I found there was a whole new world out there and I wanted to join it.

You can do this too !🙂

We each handle things in our own way, but for me at first keeping busy was sort of counter productive. It seemed the more I thought of 'tasks' to keep my mind off things the more I thought about the problems I was facing. What worked for me was being calm and quiet, and then (trite as it sounds) thinking 'pretty future thoughts'. Obvs at first it took me a few minutes to clear my mind but once I could concentrate on what I would do once the ties were legally broken it served to calm me. From the realistic (new duvet, lamp, etc) to the fanciful (take a cruise, buy a new car) seemed to make my mind know that someday things would be better. I'm not through with the legalities, but for the most part I'm living a calm and peaceful life. That's all I ask for now, peace and calm. Happiness will come once things are settled, and I can wait for that.

If you have to meet him, can it be in a public place and can you have someone with you? I mean like meeting at a coffee shop and having a friend sitting at a different table. Just having their presence may help calm you and neutral ground is always helpful.

Remember 'this too shall pass'. You're doing great.

thank you

big thank you to everyone who has written on this thread its been really helpful and helped me get through. got some legal advice so know where I stand now with this a bit more. just wondering what people did with photos we are both in , any with the kids I plan to box up incase they want in future , others im
not sure, part of me thinks box and give to him ? also facebook , I guess its easy to delete all ones on profile, but memories and things I have tagged him in , can I delete all or if I remove him from facebook will that then remove these ? also lots on my phone and again do i just delete them all now , or will i regret that later on ?

I think it's far too soon to make decisions re photos. Just put them aside and reconsider in maybe 6 months.
Def don't delete anything, once deleted they cannot be redone.

You can download them all from Facebook before you delete them publicly , if I remember rightly?

I have my “ex plus kids” photos in a folder called The Vault within a folder within yet another folder. Hidden enough from my eyes but available for the DC’s if they ever want them. Printed ones are up in the loft.

@beingtakenforafool

I'm not on SM (too old lol). I have tonnes of pictures that have DH in them, family pics and not family pics, both on my laptop and 'physical' pics. Especially since we were RVers, there are literally 1000s of pics of our travels.

I'd never get rid of them. Even though I've left him, they are still precious memories of 'good times gone by'. I'm not sitting around thumbing through them and crying. But I expect that at some point I'll be glad to be able to relive those days.

So just hold onto them. Put them in a file on your computer or transfer them to a flash drive. Put physical pics in a box on a high shelf. It's not time to make that toss or keep decision yet.

When I split from my exH I thought of the photos as part of history and just put them away in a box. They are there if anyone wants them but otherwise out of sight. I didn’t really include him in social media so that’s not a problem but I would say just to leave everything alone. If they come up on memories then you get the choice whether to share or not so I’d just leave them.

Wait a while.

Yes, as I’ve said. I did. But MN loves the thought of adultery. 🙄

yes but when there has been contact with OW multiple times that at very least crossed boundaries for someone who is married, its much more likely. also patterns and behaviour changes , but these things have a habit of coming out the woodwork eventually,

also did you just announce you were no longer happy and that was it ? no discussions beforehand ? act pretty normal for months, then only state issue when caught messaging someone else ?