husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

he was going to go tonight but is on sofa , he doesn’t actually have anywhere to go. he only has couple close friends who have nowhere to put him. no family he can stay with. was going to sleep in car or a bench i guess. I feel some of that is the feel sorry for me so i said to sleep on sofa

You would be amazed how people manage to have a sexual affair even when they don’t seem to have time .
I worked with a woman who insisted that her DH only had a flirtation as he couldn’t possibly have time to do anything else - they were shagging in their lunch hour.

You should not be ashamed, he should. This is a rotten way to end a long relationship. Many fantastic women have been in your position and it implies nothing negative about them.

we had some issued due to his friendship with co worker, but I thought we had sorted that

That would be the OW he's lying about not having.

Line your waterfowl up.

At the end of the day, he's decided he's done. Don't stress yourself wondering if there's another woman or not.

Focus on your future without him in it. Don't beg. Self care is what you need.

Just wanted to say I am sorry. It sounds like another classic tale of a dissatisfied aging male thinking he can reinvent himself in the greener grass elsewhere, rather than nurturing and watering what he has at home. Sigh.
It has happened to many of us. In briefest summary, you are in shock now, you think you never will recover and recover from the feelings you have now, but ...you most certainly will survive then thrive.
I also was the wrong side of 50 when my now ex H of 15 years blamed, gaslit, hurt and deceived me for a younger OW that he now dislikes. BUT when I was still recovering I met some-one. A kind, faithful widower who really values being in a relationship with me, is really open, wears his heart on his sleeve and despite his past bereavement remains a cup half full person.
That is my theory- is it's the cup half empty partners/ husbands who do this, they have permanent dissatisfaction, attributable not to their marriages, but their own internal demons.
Just take it in small stages. Confide in friends and family and get support on here. Be kind to yourself. Then get your finances in order.

a lot of this sounds similar l, thats the bit I don’t get is he has destroyed 27 years of memories as well if hr had said 6 months ago he wasn’t sure he was happy and the. we tried and still not we could have split and eventually be amicable

You could torture yourself trying to work out the whys, hows and whens. But there is no point as he won’t tell you the truth.

He made the decision a while ago and is many steps ahead of you. Focus on the practical aspects for now.

First off, tell him that under no circumstances will he climb into your bed tonight. Never again.

Try to get some sleep or at least some rest. Tomorrow, concentrate on getting up, showered, dressed and try to eat. Drink lots of water.

A massive shock like this can do horrible things to you physically so look after yourself. Eat, sleep, rest, water. Let the events sink in and give your brain time catch up.

Don’t feel ashamed - this is not your fault, it’s very upsetting and you need to be very kind to yourself. I’d ring in work tomorrow and excuse yourself. Then you can start planning. Can you claim UC to help financially? Are your kids working? They might be able ton contribute a bit. He needs to leave asap so you can start the journey of feeling settled.

I know it won’t help but I agree with little green dresses comment - I’ve worked with people who thought no one knew they were having an affair. They would shag in the office before anyone arrived or at lunchtime. People saw things.

He’s not an honest man. He’s not been open with you. It might not feel good right now but better being without a dishonest turd who can’t openly communicate than being stuck with that.

You’ll bounce back and have a wonderful life and he’ll still be a dishonest wankstain.

oh he doesn’t want to sleep in my bed ever again that much i can say. he doesn’t even want to stay calm and understand my upset.

Oh OP I’m so sorry. I was in your position 10 years ago, tale as old as time with a work colleague.

I won’t lie, it will be painful, but time heals and you WILL get through this. I always remember reading on here someone saying it would be “easier if they’d died” as you do kind of go through a grieving process.

Be kind to yourself. Don’t beg for him, you will look back and regret it.

infact he is already snoring downstairs

I'm just left screwed over , i get to manage house still, kids / pets look after everything.
worked part time when kids were young so no real pension, whilst he will have an okay one. rent a 1 bed flat, come home all clean as he left it , no responsibility.

You won’t be left with less than him in a divorce. Try and rest tonight and tomorrow gather your financial info and look for a solicitor.

I’m so sorry. This might not be what you want to do but honestly, tell a friend or family member immediately and form Team @beingtakenforafool as you will need support and people who advocate for you. Once it’s said, it becomes real, and you are taking back some control.

Take a days PTO as a family emergency and start tomorrow with a strong cup of tea and ask him to leave and not come back. He’s already left, really, so you double down and say ‘you want to go, so go.’

There will be more tears ahead so save them for later. You can figure out the rest - and you will - when you don’t have him under your roof.

I’m holding your hand tightly. I know exactly how you feel as have been there. There will be another woman without a shadow of a doubt. Surprise surprise it was a work colleague which funnily enough didn’t last.

Try to get some sleep and do whatever you need to do to get through tonight then it’s about taking one day at a time. Ducks in row, think analytically and do not try to reason with the fucking pig.

Trust me, a few years down the line you will be the one coming up trumps in life.

worked part time when kids were young so no real pension, whilst he will have an okay one.

If he has been contributing to the pension during your marriage it is therefore a marital asset and will need to be valued and split. Do not mention this to him yet in case he takes money out of it. Keep quiet about it until the legal stage is reached.

www.legalandgeneral.com/retirement/pensions/guides/pensions-and-divorce/

pensions, big or small, are an asset taken into consideration in the financial aspect of divorce. Make sure you get robust professional advice. Good luck OP.

financially we have nothing to fight over and I can’t afford a divorce, will have to wait for him to do and he don’t do anything like that for himself, car mot: insurance all that stuff I do. he won’t care if divorced or not, where as I do if he has gone then i want divorce asap. he said i get half his pension but i don’t think it works like that now.We rent so no house, he is one of them people everyone likes so he will come out looking the best and I will painted as an evil controlling nagging wife.

he has already been working on the kids by making me look the paranoid one and how this us best for us all etc .

So sorry that this has happened. Try and get some rest tonight and call a solicitor for advice in the morning. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed. Don't give him the option of the sofa tomorrow night. He has made his bed so can go and lay in one elsewhere!

I'm sorry 🤗

his pension is half yours!

I know it's hard not to beg or cling or try to make them see sense, but you're best not to. Make/ let him go tomorrow. It hurts but it's better for you for him not to be there.

I would fully expect there is another woman, either the one you know about or another one. Men very seldom leave until they do have someone. So prepare yourself.

being over 50 doesn't mean you'll always be alone, but what you do need to do is work on accepting it & getting back on your feet as soon as possible, not waste time grieving & looking backwards.

You will be ok. Xx

This!!!!

Stay strong OP and find your anger. He's lied to you and then selfishly decided to drop this bombshell and disrupt your life without a thought. I would think it's highly likely his head has been turned and it's probably the female work colleague he overstepped boundaries with. Insist he tells your children why he's leaving and then tell him to go tomorrow. Confide in your family and close friends and for support, don't feel ashamed you've done nothing wrong. It's all on him!

@beingtakenforafool ^ this ^

OK, take a deep deep breath. Do not waste time wondering 'why'. It is what it is. There will be time wonder about that later, if you still want it. Gather yourself together and see that solicitor, pronto. Take a 'snapshot' of the finances, especially investments and any pensions he has and get educated on what you can expect in a divorce. Take your friend with you as a second set of ears. Your H is a mile or two ahead of you on this road you've just taken your first, unwilling steps on. You need to play catchup. Knowledge is power, forewarned is forearmed.

Two things to remember; keep your silence and keep your dignity. You'll be glad you did.

Do NOT tell him you are seeing a solicitor. And quietly copy any and all financial documents you can get your hands on. Hide them securely or get them out of the house if you can. If you can get the important documents out too, birth certificate, marriage certificate etc, rental lease, etc. He cannot be trusted to 'play fair', you must protect yourself any way you can.

Do not argue, rail, beg, or let him see you cry. Do not do the 'pick me dance'. Cold and quiet dignity is the way to go. To any questions or suggestions you answer "I will have to think about that" or "That will take some consideration". You will have to do an Oscar worthy performance, but you can do it. And in time that coldness will become real and the pain you feel now will turn to anger. Just give it time.

You can do this. You have reserves of strength that you don't even know you have.