husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

Luckily I do have a few really good friends who have been great. Rather have. a few good friends than surrounded by people who are really just there for the drama. Also some supportive family who have again showed up when it matters. I have to remember in the long run he is doing more damage to himself and his relationship with his kids as I think he forgets they lived here. Also the new women will never know if he wants to really be with her as he supposedly stayed with me for years when he didn’t want to , pretending whole time. She will never know if he wants her or is just with her for convenience .

Just to add outside those who really care, nobody is that interested in someone else’s marriage woes. They may listen and say oh how terrible and really they are just thinking about what to get from Tesco.
He is trying to justify going off with someone else by going on about how awful his marriage was. If a man did that in front of me I’d just be mentally praying for him to shut up.
He also has his DC to consider and going about being unkind about their mother is just pathetic.
If he was THAT unhappy he’d have left years ago. But he wasn’t. He left because he met someone else and got found out. That’s it. That’s the story.
And I was the OW (good luck to her, she’s gonna need it!) I’d wonder why he wasn’t jumping for joy. He just sounds like one miserable bastard to be fair.

@beingtakenforafool

Luckily I do have a few really good friends who have been great. Rather have. a few good friends than surrounded by people who are really just there for the drama. Also some supportive family who have again showed up when it matters.

And what you have is worth more than its weight in gold.

I do think that when these men tell outrageous lies and rewrite history, it is okay to say to people "Well actually, that's not quite how it happened."
I don't believe in letting them control the whole narrative. Same with the children - I wouldn't go out of my way to slate their other parent unnecessarily, but it's fine to correct what their father is telling them. They need balance, not to be hearing that dad is an angel and mum is the devil incarnate.
Yes, sometimes kids grow up and see the truth for themselves, but sometimes they grow up with a warped view and blame the wrong parent on the say so of the other, more vocal one. So long as you keep it calm and factual it really isn't unreasonable to set the record straight.

OP, I promise you he wasn't really unhappy for years. He just doesn't want to be the villain in his own story so he's created a more palatable version for public consumption. And if he says it often enough, he'll start to think that it's true! Mostly these men are full of shit and the ow has not got herself any great prize.

children are adult and they know the truth

its funny this process it feels like i take one step forward and two steps back, seeing people take sides now. Those who have listened to him , but I have not shared my side and don’t intend to other than those around me who I care about. People have enough to gossip around, but you do realise who your true friends are and who just stays neutral which is also fine as no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, so treating me or him aa they find us , is the right thing to do. The lies are working though and he is happily splashing this relationship everywhere for everyone to see. Another huge change of character, its kind of funny seeing him pretend to be someone he isn’t and wondering how long he can keep it up for.

I’m so sorry this sounds really hard. Watching him parade a new relationship and act like he did nothing wrong is a special kind of torture. You’re doing the right thing though. Keep focusing on your close friends, the people who really know you. Keep loving your kids. Keep building new life for yourself full of new things that bring you joy and peace.

‘The lies are working though’
Well, they are lies. If he thought he’d done nothing wrong, he wouldn’t need to discuss you with anyone. He’d be happy to live with his new girlfriend and leave you in peace.
But he knows he’s done wrong. He knows he’s lied to you and really hurt his children.
He is putting on an act as his way of creating this new life but it’s all built on shifting sand.
You are the one who lives in truth. It’s been so tough on you but as long as you have your DC and your own loved ones that’s all that matters.
Most people really aren’t that interested in listening to stories like his. They just nod and get on with their day.
He lied to you for months and he’s still lying now. He will be lying to this OW as well. His whole life is built on these lies.

@beingtakenforafool it’s all utter, utter bollocks, don’t listen to a word of it and those who know you will see straight through it and this is why:
1: he has rewritten history to justify his wrongdoing.
He wasn’t unhappy back then, but if he admits he was, then there’s no justification for al this nonsense.
So, he changes the past to suit his present predicament, of getting caught doing something appalling whilst desperately trying to hang on to his self image as a ‘good guy’. The cognitive dissonance is huge.
In order to not be the bad guy, you have to be the bad guy, the marriage has to be the bad guy, he could even make Mother Teresa the bad guy……. in order for him to adopt saintly victim status, I can tell you now, that if you have a pet hamster it would also have been considered on the hit list for whose fault this could possibly be.
2: he is rewriting the present to suit his needs: I want to leave but I’m still married to you and not moving out yet, I’m having an affair and I’m going to keep telling you I am and why I’m doing this to try to control every outcome I can control. My present is spiralling out of my control unless I try to enforce new ground rules about our relationship and status, so I’m going to go full pelt at telling you what’s going to happen, not asking or negotiating.
3: As for rewriting his future:
there an eighties song which eludes me for the moment but I know includes the line “the future’s so bright…..you gotta wear shades!”
The rationalising and justifying is off the chart when it comes to his glowing, heavenly, utopian future, skipping off with gay abandon into the glittering sunset with a desperate OW who is no doubt his ‘soulmate’ 🤮 and the perfect woman of his dreams…..🙄
Thank the Lord for time, reality, and good old fashioned disillusionment. It might take a while because after all he’s trashed to achieve it, this really has to work out, or how stoopid are they going to look? We shall see…..

costing him kids and once it goes on too long there will be no going back, its how he is behaving afterwards as well. The amount of women defending him as well is shocking ,if it was there husband or partner not sure they would be so forgiving, not happy then yes lets talk, say you want to leave, but the reality is he only left when he had someone to go to. He has told so many little lies know , I am
not sure even he knows the truth. even now he still lied to one DC who gave him half a chance. How can a person change that much. These women that can comdone it whilst watching another suffer immensely i just don’t get either. I get not taking a side and just being polite to both, but actively saying well he was really unhappy and he deserves to be happy, i deserved not to be lied to as well surely . i just hope Karma pays a visit to some of them or they have probably been the other woman

He does deserve to be happy but yes acting like a prick is wrong but theres never a good way to end a relationship, but the mistake women make is thinking hes married me thats a commitment so therefor he has to stay, hes a prick let him go

i have let him go but you don’t cheat , you leave before that and you don’t then lie about it to your children and expect no consequences. all i expected was honesty and when i believed him that nothing was going on, I helped him sort somewhere etc etc , but now rubbing my face in it . yes when you get married you obviously do hope its for life or at the least a little honesty and basic respect

These women whoever they are, well, I am without words.
Who are they either to him or to you?
Because if any man I knew who left his wife came to me with justification I would just think, well, off you pop.
How is he justifying his actions? Actually you don’t need to say because it’s just a load of lies.
And never forget a man who is prepared to lose his own children in pursuit of these lies is a major shit.
Time moves on, someone else’s news comes into play, and his narrative will get shelved.
You have kept your dignity all along. I remember your first thread when you gave him the chance to tell you the truth and he outright lied.
And continued to.
And don’t believe everything you hear either. Some people he’s ‘talking’ to probably think he’s a shit as well.

Anyone who says 'but he's a lovely bloke', just say 'do you think?' and cut them loose and don't look back.

No, there’s no going back after this.
He can’t see what it’s going to cost him because he’s still at home and can live in the familiar surroundings with you and his kids. The biggest lies he’s told are to himself and once he’s on the other side of this fence he’s sitting on things will look very different. At first he might be relieved in a way, in that he can’t see the pain he’s caused under his nose any more every day, but he’ll discover it’s not that easy to bat away by playing house with his OW and his bright future scenario didn’t include the divorce and having less to live on and missing his kids and who knows, it’s pretty likely he’ll miss you, too. The good things about you he’s been suppressing for so long (because you have to be a bad guy, remember?) so that he can justify cheating on you won’t be forgotten or silenced and if/ when she starts annoying him and his new life isn’t perfect after all, just different, he may well realise that he was right. This IS the biggest mistake he’s ever made. He’s chosen it and made it though, so he can bugger off and get on with it.

he is not at home he moved out. There will never be a way back ever. I want to move on but he is stalling divorce he said he would sort and pay for. so i am saving to do it myself.

You’d be amazed what those women who seem to support him might say to his face, probably won’t be what they say in private. Also they might be women who had been jealous of you for some reason and can’t wait to stick the boot in. Would love to hear them change their tune if it was them or one of their daughters who had just got cheated on.
The only people’s opinions you should listen to are those of people you admire or value. Do you admire or value the opinion of these women? Didn’t think so. Their opinion is worthless to you, you already know how wrong they’ve got this situation so they’re talking out of their rear end. Ignore.

Sorry thought he hadn’t gone yet. Stalling the divorce is just sitting in the same fence though, hedging bets he doesn’t realise he hasn’t got any more because he’s out. Take your time sorting the divorce out and working out what you are entitled to then start the ball rolling when you can afford to. Tell him you want to know what he intends to pay for re the divorce and ask why he hasn’t started it. Ask direct questions that he can’t fudge. He’s moved out so there’s no need to dither and I’d say I wanted to get on with it as the sooner you’re no longer married the better.

oh no their supporting quite publicly as he was unhappy for years and he deserves to be happy now. Yes everyone deserves to be happy but that happiness should’t be at someone elses expense. if your not happy you leave , you discuss etc , then you move on with your life's and whilst leaving someone may hurt them? leaving them , lying, making them second guess their judgement and then leaving for that person is a whole other level of hurt. Then disrespecting them afterwards by flaunting your relationship in front of them,straight away in my view is just cruel. I get sitting on the fence and not getting involved which is what most would do , but actually supporting them , I don’t think they would have the same compassion if their partner did it to them. They also do not know what happens behind closed doors. Sometimes the really nice guy can be a very different person at home.

he is telling them all he has been unhappy for years and years so apparently that justifies cheating. Last time I looked we had a door on our house, pretty sure he knew how to use it. They are quite publicly defending him as well, but I have cut them off now. who needs people like this. he has told some very big lies to people to make it look like he is a victim and been saved by OW , but who believes one side of a story. These same people have been asking me if I am okay and how am i coping etc. I now just keep to my close circle and people with morals. we all make mistakes but he has never apologised , continues to justify it and make me look the bad guy with his smear campaign. also throwing the relationship in my face at every opportunity, thats not just someone who was unhappy, didn’t handle it well so used an affair as an escape, thats someone who is cruel in my eyes. Have your new relationship but show some basic respect to your wife and most importantly kids. The more he does though the more he pushes his kids further away, once they go too far they may never come back. Divorce can’t happen soon enough and I realised how unhappy I had actually been in the marriage and things I tolerated which I never should? therapy has been an eye opener. despite all that , cheating has never crossed my mind.

One lesson in life I have learned. If something ends for whatever reason, if you take time to heal and take care of yourself, get some support and make small changes then you move on healthily.
If you do what this man has done, he takes the same issues he had in his marriage into this new situation. He has learned nothing. And getting others involved is making it worse for himself because he’s living a lie. The whole thing is a house of cards.
What you are doing isn’t easy but it is the best way.
And whoever these women are ‘speaking’ to I can honestly say nobody cares. Anyone who appears to just loves a bit of drama!

Blimey @beingtakenforafool some women really have been gullible enough to buy his crock of shit despite no investment whatsoever.
They’re just parroting what they’ve been told and enjoying the beef and the drama. It’s got to be more immaturity than accuracy. Nasty, stupid women.

Imagine being ‘unhappy for years’ and not having the ability or desire to improve the relationship or leave. Sounds like a loser or a liar.

I do think most women know the lines cheaty husbands come out with. I also wonder if some people kid themselves that only unhappy people cheat (they don’t, cheating is far more complex). Unhappy people don’t always cheat. Happy people sometimes cheat. It’s the person who decides whether they can justify cheating. If he hid it he knows it’s wrong.

The first person he lied to was himself. Unless he faces up to that and realises he chose to be a liar and cheat then he is unlikely to be a good partner.

You may find you see people in another light, friends you thought were fabulous may not get it. Acquaintances who get it may become better future friends.

See it as a changing point for you. You are becoming wiser. Working out values and desires for the next chapter. Like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis.

Sometimes things are meant to be - look for what you have gained in life. These friends who are naive at best or drama llamas or malicious at worse - maybe they are also part of your past too. You are seeing people in a different light. There are some amazing people out there with similar values - now’s your time to find them. They are unlikely to be the people you expect.

@beingtakenforafool exactly.
Time to have a cull and fill your life with authentic, decent people. You’ll know who they are.
I used to think and pride myself on the fact that I had a wide circle of genuine friends, but realised actually during Covid, that a big number of them were more acquaintances whom I didn’t really miss seeing and they probably didn’t miss me much either.
It was more a pressure/ guilt thing of “oh, I really owe so-and-so a coffee/ lunch/ drink because she asked me last time.” and I realised I was only doing it because I didn’t want to appear rude, rather than I really valued them and missed them and wanted to see them.
I did a big gradual fade and have an extremely tiny circle of close friends now and it’s fab. You’d probably call me Billy No Mates though, it’s not many. 😂 I do have a bigger extended family (siblings etc) and we’re pretty close so maybe I don’t need as many friends.
I only know I feel happier now with really nice authentic people who love me and I love them. It’s nice to not feel just obliged to do stuff, I actually want to.
All I can say is I’d have had no problem cutting people off instantly if they’d been acting like that and saying such dreadful things publicly, what gives anyone the right to do that? Awful!

It flabbergasts me that any self respecting woman can have an affair with a married man and then end up living with them. Also any woman that makes excuses or justifys that for a man, they are just as bad. Revenge is a dish best served cold, so when he does the same to her or their little love nest starts showing cracks you can sit back and enjoy watching their shit show unfold.