Boyfriend is upset I can't trust he won't cheat

[Trustisanissue]

I was married for 20 years. That ended because XH cheated. I forgave him the first time I discovered his cheating 12 years in. I didn't forgive him the second time I found him cheating again. XH was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I was with the next man for 3 years. He cheated on me too. That was really hard to process, as he knew how deeply XHs cheating had broken me. He was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I've been with my current boyfriend 18 months. We've been friends for 10 years. He got upset this morning when I told him I couldn't trust that he won't cheat in the future. He said things like "it's just not me. I don't do that. You know me well enough by now to know I couldn't do that, it's not in my nature"

He found my repeated reply of "they said that too" upsetting. He finds it hard to hear that my past experiences make me look at him this way as he tells me he's not a cheating person.

The other two men said that too.

I trusted them. And I trust him now.

We both understand the others perspective, and left it this morning with a sad conclusion of "thank you for listening"

Any tips on helping us in this please?

You’re on the road to break up OP , because whether it’s tomorrow, next year , 5 years .
There’s no one on God’s earth that can be in a relationship where they’re being told they can’t be trusted, not possible 🤷🏻‍♀️.
I can completely understand why you feel like this obviously, but you either find ways of learning to trust or you stay single .
2 choices , one answer .

The only way to know whether someone will cheat or not is the passing of time.
I reckon if you celebrate 50 years together, without knowledge of cheating...it's a safe bet to think your partner will never cheat.

On the other hand, there are some randy old dogs in their 70s who might.
Then again, he could have cheated and got away with it.

So the answer to the question is....the only person who is sure they have never and will never cheat, is the person themselves ... and even then ....who among us can predict the future???🤔

Why is there an assumption that everyone would cheat at some point?
I can predict the future actually and can tell you that I never would.
Surely there are other people out there who can categorically state that they would never go there too?

I will never be drunk enough, tempted enough, desperate enough or cruel enough to cheat on someone. If I was in the position of being very attracted to someone while in a relationship with someone else I would act like a mature adult & end the relationship first.
And i'm not trying to be holier than thou here, I just know I would never do it.

Come on, that's not that unusual is it??

No it isn't @cloudtreecarpet - I am in the same team. As cheating is a choice, I know damn well that I would never choose to.

I view the potential for infidelity much like I view mortality. It is an objective truth that all men die, yet we do not refuse to love them because of their inevitable end. Similarly, while I acknowledge that the potential for betrayal exists in every human being, I refuse to let a future possibility dictate my present reality/relationship.

I would never voice this universal 'potential' to my DH for a very specific reason. If I told him everyone can or could cheat because that's my lived experience, I genuinely believe it would sound less like a philosophical observation and more like a low expectation that I have of him. (regardless of whether it is a fact, as I see it)

I strongly feel that he should only ever be held to the standard of his own character, not the failures of the people who came before him.

That's a question for OP, really.

Maybe she just wanted to talk it through and she felt bad that the conversation upset him and wanted to discuss it. I still don't think she did anything wrong in being honest about her feelings in this discussion.

They have had one conversation about cheating according to the OP. You are free to think this is a massive issue in their relationship, but I will take OP at her word.

ffs women just can’t win can they.

I absolutely don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel that way. Perhaps voicing it wasn’t the best but I fully understand your feelings. Does not necessarily mean you haven’t healed as others are saying although it really could mean you haven’t healed. You didn’t say you think he would cheat just that you can’t trust he never would?

OR are we saying all the women who refuse to be stay at home mums due the financial vulnerability and all the people advising others on here to ensure they have their own pension and name on the house/married for financial protection need therapy to get over that?! Because I see women called out for being so stupid to put themselves in that position here all the time!

many many men treat women like shit. Not all men but a significant proportion that its not mentally ill to think it’s a possibility. Cheating, financially, abuse, inequality, assault, so many risks from men to women knowing this isn’t mental illness

Point taken.