Boyfriend is upset I can't trust he won't cheat

[Trustisanissue]

I was married for 20 years. That ended because XH cheated. I forgave him the first time I discovered his cheating 12 years in. I didn't forgive him the second time I found him cheating again. XH was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I was with the next man for 3 years. He cheated on me too. That was really hard to process, as he knew how deeply XHs cheating had broken me. He was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I've been with my current boyfriend 18 months. We've been friends for 10 years. He got upset this morning when I told him I couldn't trust that he won't cheat in the future. He said things like "it's just not me. I don't do that. You know me well enough by now to know I couldn't do that, it's not in my nature"

He found my repeated reply of "they said that too" upsetting. He finds it hard to hear that my past experiences make me look at him this way as he tells me he's not a cheating person.

The other two men said that too.

I trusted them. And I trust him now.

We both understand the others perspective, and left it this morning with a sad conclusion of "thank you for listening"

Any tips on helping us in this please?

He needs to finish with you and you need to heal.

However much he understands what you have been through in the past, it's really hard to hear someone tell you that they don't trust you when they have done nothing wrong.

You really shouldn't be dating people while you are still holding on to so much trauma. You also seem confused, you say you told him that you can't trust him but then you said: I trusted them. And I trust him now.

That's a contradiction isn't it?

Seriously, you're not in the right place to be dating until you have healed. And believe you me it can take time - I have been there. But you have to go into each relationship with a new sense of trust and respect for the other person - you can't be thinking from the start that they might one day do the dirty. That's grossly unfair. Probably best to knock it on the head and deal with baggage first.

No one can ever know if their SO might cheat on them at some point. Just like my very good friend who, while comforting me after my exH left (he cheated), assured me that the same thing would never happen to her marriage because her husband liked her cooking too much. Fast forward 3 years and he clearly went off her cooking because he cheated and they split up.

You see and hear it a lot. People believing their spouse would never cheat on them and then they do.

You have been very unfortunate that by coincidence this happened to you twice but it doesn't mean it will happen again. Try to relax and enjoy being with your SO. And decide to yourself that you will be fine living a happy single life if the relatioship does not last.

You’re not ready.

Having said that, perhaps you will never be ready.

I cannot get involved with another man ever again because I believe they will definitely cheat. Every relationship has ended with the man cheating.

So no, I don’t blame you for not believing your partners won’t cheat. Experience has taught you otherwise. It’s not paranoia. It’s learning from experience.

So perhaps you’d be foolish to trust a man and believe they won’t cheat.

I've never cheated, I can never imagine cheating, when my wife makes comments about men cheating and semi-testing me I absolutely hate it. I think you need counselling before your next relationship.

It's not fair for you to be unable to differentiate from what is happening now with this man and what happened with other men in the past.

Not all women act the same and neither do men.

I don't think you're ready for a relationship. Unless someone does something wrong or suspicious, your default setting if you respect and want to be with someone should be that you can trust them.

How would you feel to be told that you will inevitably cheat just because your partner's ex did so? You'd feel totally pissed off and rightly so.

You can’t be in a relationship with no trust. Its like eating plastic food. It can look and feel like a meal but there is no nourishment in it. Be honest with yourself snd get out of this—not because he will betray you but because you can’t face the terror of a repeat abandonment/fraud snd you are using pessimism and rude statements of distrust to protect yourself. Cheaters cheat. The previous two were cheaters but you didn’t know it. Uou can’t ward off the possibility that this one is a cheater by just throwing it in his face all the time.

Focus on your peace and happiness, and relish in being free of men altogether.

The happiest section of society (there's many articles about it) by far are childfree, single women.

It's not his fault your exes cheated. If course he's upset. Wouldn't you be upset if the boot were on the other foot? I can understand why your previous experiences have made you feel this way, but a lack of trust is no basis for a relationship.

If your boyfriend had ACTUALLY cheated on you, you could assess whether he seems genuinely regretful, whether he seems willing and able to change, and whether you believe you can ever trust him again, whether he seems willing to do the hard work to gain back your trust, whether it's worth it. Possibly, couples counselling could help the two of you in that case.

But he hasn't done anything wrong. YOU need to do the work of getting help. Have you tried any professional counselling? Are you able to access it?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not 100% trusting anyone as long as it’s not affecting your relationship. Eg always having in your head he might cheat but deciding to enjoy the relationship in the here and now and take it as it comes is ok. Knowing you need to nurture other areas of your life - hobbies, friendships, career, family etc - so that if this ends then you still have other things in your life is fine. I think all of that is fine but I probably wouldn’t say it to him out loud.

If not being able to trust him means eg not being ok with him going out without you, or reading his messages etc then that’s not ok and I’d agree with others you aren’t ready for a relationship.

Lots of people cheat and it’s realistic to accept in your head that it can happen. In fact it can be quite empowering to know that it might happen and it will be awful but you’ll be okay anyway. In OCD treatment for intrusive thoughts for example, there’s a lot of work done on accepting that yes the intrusive thought could happen and that you can’t do anything to change that fact. I’ve found it helpful to apply it to other areas of my life too. I don’t believe DH is likely to cheat but I know he could do and I would survive it.

People who say “not my DH” are naive. All of the people who are blindsided by cheating felt the same.

The only person I trust 100% is my mum as she is the only person who loves me unconditionally and I believe that barring something that changes her like dementia or a brain injury, there is no reality in which she would betray me.

If my partner didn't trust that I wouldn't cheat then I would leave them

I don't have to pay for the sins of people who have hurt them in the past

You’re not ready for a healthy relationship, you need to be single and work on your own issues & past.

It’s not fair to punish him for the actions of others unless he has given you a reason to.

Dating isn't mandatory.

If you can't trust people then stop dating.

It sounds like you're being a martyr to it.

You are not ready for a relationship.

Have you considered not telling him you don’t trust him to not cheat?

You both need to break up. He needs to find someone who loves him enough to trust him and you need to seek therapy.

What do you achieve by telling him you don't trust him?
I've been in your DPs position, it's soul destroying to have the person you love not trust your character. I thought to myself, this is the person who sees me at my most vulnerable, who knows how hard I love and care about people, yet they see me as a bad person that they can't trust.
You need to stop saying these things or end the relationship. It's no good for either of you to live like this.

When you tell someone they are a cheat and a liar, it makes it much more likely that they will prove you right. And vice versa.

You are in a self fulfilling prophecy.

Let him go. I mean that kindly. It's not fair to put that on him.

If a man had such a low opinion of me as you have of your boyfriend, I’d end the relationship.

I don’t think your boyfriend should be paying the price for the fact that your previous partners cheated. It’s not his fault and you’re essentially suggesting to him that he’s a potentially awful person and can’t be trusted. It’s insulting and unfair.

And why would you tell him this? Why not keep it to yourself?

I mean let’s be honest you can’t really 100% trust anyone and the threads on this board prove that every day
however, while I wouldn’t put my sons life on someone not cheating on me I’d trust them to a point until they gave me reason not to and would tell them I trusted them if asked .
I think there’s a difference in knowing everyone has the potential to cheat and actively not trusting someone

get counselling and continue dating.
or split up.

you can love someone without trusting them.

cannot love duh. stupid phone.

I’m bit surprised how it is for everyone black and white. Have trust issues so go to the therapy and don’t date till you will fix yourself. What if you won’t be able to fix yourself without meeting someone who will show you that you can trust them? Sometimes you just need a time, and good people around you, I wouldn’t blindly trust anybody, you do give credit of doubt of course but that’s it.

loving partner if it is right partner for you should be understanding, you have past experiences and doubts - then he will just prove with time by his actions that you can trust him and you in meantime try to judge him more by his actions so far. But You should be able to be open with your partner, everyone has right to doubts or insecurities sometimes and partner should support.

same if he will worry you will leave him if he will be depressed or without work / money ;)