Boyfriend is upset I can't trust he won't cheat

[Trustisanissue]

I was married for 20 years. That ended because XH cheated. I forgave him the first time I discovered his cheating 12 years in. I didn't forgive him the second time I found him cheating again. XH was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I was with the next man for 3 years. He cheated on me too. That was really hard to process, as he knew how deeply XHs cheating had broken me. He was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I've been with my current boyfriend 18 months. We've been friends for 10 years. He got upset this morning when I told him I couldn't trust that he won't cheat in the future. He said things like "it's just not me. I don't do that. You know me well enough by now to know I couldn't do that, it's not in my nature"

He found my repeated reply of "they said that too" upsetting. He finds it hard to hear that my past experiences make me look at him this way as he tells me he's not a cheating person.

The other two men said that too.

I trusted them. And I trust him now.

We both understand the others perspective, and left it this morning with a sad conclusion of "thank you for listening"

Any tips on helping us in this please?

I was cheated on in a long-term relationship. Proper taking the piss, making an absolute fool of me cheating.

I made a very active decision, going into my current long-term relationship a few years later, that if I didn’t trust him not to do the same then there was no point in being together at all. It’s the only healthy way, for both parties.

You're punishing him with your past OP. Its not fair.

You're not ready for a relationship. You need to let him go and spend time by yourself to heal.

considering how her previous partners said they would not cheat and then did etc ? how is it ops fault, this one too could be the same as the others

And it's not her boyfriend's fault either, but he's the one verbally on the receiving end of her mistrust.

true, i guess then its 50/50 but then if he did, does the op get to go i was right etc

He’s done nothing wrong. It doesn’t matter what has happened in your past; for him it’s irrelevant.

You need to sort yourself out. These are not his problems to sort.

But 'I don't trust 100% that you would be incapable of cheating' is not something that you need to say to a partner. You decide in youf own mind whether you trust them as much as you can trust someone. Or you don't, and so you end the relationship. What you don't do is unnecessarily and undeservedly dump your previous relationship baggage on them and thereby doom the relationship.

If we like thinking about hypotheticals so much, here's one for you of a potential future:
Well, it was over with one ex because he cheated. It was over with the second ex because he cheated. What about the third? Well, I kept frustrating him because the first two cheated and he left.

Do we see the irony of it?

I have two exes who cheated. I trust my current partner completely and I genuinely don’t think he would do anything like that to me.
My theory on it all is that I’m clearly rubbish at spotting out the rotten ones, and if they want to get away with it they will! I can’t control how people treat me, I can only control how I make my judgements and how I treat others. I built up the trust slowly with current parter and once it was there I thought fuck it and dove in. I’ve done the best I can to pick a good one and if it doesn’t turn out that way it would be no reflection on me.
He knows all of this and kind of agrees to an extent. He is happy that within our relationship we are both completely reassured, but from my lived experience and I suppose when I try to think from my head over heart I feel that I could never rule it out. He isn’t offended and our relationship is great!

He hasn't done anything wrong. Why should he put up with being punished for something he hasn't done?

But I don't understand how I can get to a better place mentally on this one...

Anyone in a relationship has the potential to cheat. That's a fact.

Acknowledging something could happen in the future is not " living in what ifs or hypothetical scenarios". That's a fact.

It's been one conversation. That's a fact.

There's been no argument. That's a fact.

I'm not doing anything to him. That's a fact.

I've not said I am "so against doing some mental self-care." Believing that everyone in the world may cheat doesn't need mental self care on the issue. That's a fact.

People in relationships should speak with openness and honesty. That's a fact.

Your example has no parallel with this whatsoever. That's a fact!

Only time will tell if he feels I was "so unreasonable". From the way he's been today, I don't think he does. He took it for the discussion that it was.

I always find the “my husband would never” responses quite fascinating because the truth is, we can never actually 100% know, despite what we would like to believe.
That said, I do trust my DH, but the fact is, I trust myself more, to deal with that should it ever arise. I don’t worry about it or feel the need to tell him I’ll never be totally convinced he won’t do something awful, because I trust myself, if that makes sense?

That's good to hear, thank you.

I don't think he was offended today. Just sad that when push came to shove, I believed he could cheat on me.

I genuinely don't think he would. But I acknowledge he could. And he was sad to hear that.

But, like you say, you can't rule it out. Particularly when you've been cheated on twice by people who you didn't believe possible of cheating.

that is the flip side of it

This. If your so worried he will cheat then and the relationship ship instead of punishing him for your exes behaviour. It's actually really horrible of you

I'm still at a loss to know what you wanted out of this thread, OP. You say Any tips on helping us in this please? but help to achieve what? What help does he need when he's done nothing wrong and the issue is yours?

Of course he felt sad. His partner of 18 months basically said "I don't and can't ever trust you" and when he tries to assure you he wouldn't cheat (which is, frankly, all he can say) you repeatedly compared him to your cheating exes.

You really can't see how damaging that could be to this relationship with this, as you admit, lovely bloke? In his shoes, I'd be rethinking this relationship. Is that what you want?

What a crap (ex?) friend!

You seem to be more delusional than it first seemed, @Trustisanissue .
A fact is something that is irrefutable because it has empirical evidence or information that supports its validity instead of theories and logics. Ex 1 cheated. That is a fact. Ex 2 cheated, that too. Anyone in a relationship has the potential to cheat. That is a fact, also. And that is pretty much the extent of your facts. While I wouldn't debate number of conversations or arguments, the sad reality is that you got one crucial statement wrong:

"I'm not doing anything to him. That's a fact." - You are. You are actively berating/frustrating a person for something he didn't do, better yet: For things someone else (factually) did. That is something. Not nothing.

Let's lean on facts that you seem to enjoy a lot. You said it yourself: "He got upset... He found it upsetting...he found it hard to hear". These are factually up there in your post. So turns out, you ARE doing something to him, well how about that...

Do you know what's making it extra sad? Just a couple of comments ago you say "you don't think he could either". And YET, you spiral into these things. Does that scream "healthy" to you? Don't know what to tell you, the vast majority of everyone who have been commenting here say that it is actually pretty horrible what you are doing, we come from different walks of life, different ages, backgrounds, sexuality and upbringing...and yet, we (vast majority) try to make you see reason, and make you understand that it is not fair to him, what you are doing, it is a form of abuse.

And yet, you are just sitting here, reading through all these comments and say stuff like - Nothing is wrong with me just for acknowledging the possibility. Yes, but you don't seem to grasp that line that separate a reasonable understanding of something vs letting it shape your behaviour and mindset.

People in a healthy relationship should be able to share, yes. But they should "upset" these things.

"Your example has no parallel with this whatsoever. That's a fact!" - Ah, but see, this is where it becomes blatantly obvious that you don't get it, you truly don't get it. Want to bet that most people here will see the parallel? The fact that you don't just supports why you are in this situation to begin with.

You said it yourself - you don't understand how to "get to a better place mentally on this one". That is why people here suggested therapy. You have such strong trust issues that you don't even see it as a problem. That is a spectacular height, let me tell you. IT IS IN YOUR USERNAME, dammit. TRUST is an issue. Well for a healthy, functioning relationship, it shouldn't. It cannot function without it.

Girl you sound hard and sad

how long have you been single in your life? Have you always been married/had relationships?

I think that you’ve got your answers but you were wrong here.

you should’ve said that you’ve given him your heart and you know that anyone can cheat, but you truly hope he doesn’t as you love him

or something like that. You shouldn’t have been so blunt and factual about it

all the best girl, I hope you get the peace you deserve x

If my husband asked me outright, I would be honest about how I feel. Possibly not have been quite as blunt as OP was but we were not there to hear the nuance of the conversation and written down, it can lose some of that nuance. I think OPs partner should be considering her past experiences too and trying to understand where she's coming from. She's not saying she thinks he WILL cheat, she's saying that it's impossible to say with 100% certainty that he would never cheat, which I would agree with.

Bingo

I agree. However lets reverse - he knew her for as long too so he was aware of her past and issues and still decided to try relationship

if you care you try to resolve issues which op i think is trying here to do too

anyway my surprise is just on all those quick straightforward comments „you dont trust partner” = „you are not fit to be in relationship go fix yourself first”

how many women here are advised not to trust fully men with money and have own money (totally agree btw) but same principle

Do you think she is fine to be dating when she doesn't trust (arguably) the one man who has been most steadfast in her life?

Noone is perfect.

she had one conversation after he got valentine card and she didnt argue or anything but had mature conversation where she admitted she trust him but she cant be 100% sure he will never cheat. Who could say that without sounding delusional? We can trust… but there is always chance circumstances will change. She should be able to be honest with partner

ive read here many other threads were women were unreasonable but didnt get so harsh answers.

im not saying dont work on that, im saying advising „break up, you are not fit” is quite harsh while she is clearly looking to make it better

I didn't say 'break up when not fit' using Spanish punctuation.

I said that it's horrible to be told you aren't trusted. You might think it's fine to be in a relationship where you are told you aren't trusted. But it's wrong and bad and unfair.