Boyfriend is upset I can't trust he won't cheat

[Trustisanissue]

I was married for 20 years. That ended because XH cheated. I forgave him the first time I discovered his cheating 12 years in. I didn't forgive him the second time I found him cheating again. XH was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I was with the next man for 3 years. He cheated on me too. That was really hard to process, as he knew how deeply XHs cheating had broken me. He was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I've been with my current boyfriend 18 months. We've been friends for 10 years. He got upset this morning when I told him I couldn't trust that he won't cheat in the future. He said things like "it's just not me. I don't do that. You know me well enough by now to know I couldn't do that, it's not in my nature"

He found my repeated reply of "they said that too" upsetting. He finds it hard to hear that my past experiences make me look at him this way as he tells me he's not a cheating person.

The other two men said that too.

I trusted them. And I trust him now.

We both understand the others perspective, and left it this morning with a sad conclusion of "thank you for listening"

Any tips on helping us in this please?

The problem is that implying there is a chance he will cheat on you is insulting! I would be very insulted by my DF saying that - I’ve never cheated, I absolutely, 100% never would. I don’t have grey feeling on it, it is something I cannot tolerate in others and I would never ever do it myself. You might say ‘everyone has the capacity to cheat’. I, respectfully, disagree with that. I think people who think that are the ones who genuinely DO have the capacity to cheat because they are the ones who think there would be a situation where it is understandable. That isn’t me.

I agree. I 100% know I would never cheat. Years ago I was placed in a position where I could easily have cheated on my then partner with an old bf I was still attracted to. But I didn't do it because for me it's an absolute no even if temptation & the opportunity are both there.

My exH cheated on me which is why we split so I know the pain & upset it causes.

But even before experiencing that pain I knew I would never cheat, I've always known it. And I have zero respect for people who do cheat or people who condone it.
Some people just wouldn't cheat.

Don't let those cheating gits ruin your chance to be happy 🙂

All we can do is read what you have written yourself, and give replies based on what you have told us.
You asked for tips in helping you cope....understanding why you feel like this, and it could have been because your boyfriend seems to have an admirer, could be part of the reason.

Thank you @MferMonsterSearchingForRedemption . I think he was shocked to hear it so clearly from my mouth that I believed it could be possible of him, as wonderful and caring as he is and I don't believe he will.

It may be that he's still in that place, like @OrlandointheWilderness and @cloudtreecarpet are, in not acknowledging that life changes through the years, and you change with it. The situations around you change, your opinions alter here and there and the person you are now may be different to the person you are in 20 years. The you now cannot categorically state what the future you will say, do and think. You can hope and expect yourself to be a certain way. But you cannot definitively say who you'll be or what you will/won't do, as you don't know what life is going to throw at you and how that will change the future you.

I am 99.99% sure I will never cheat on someone. But I don't know 100% as no one does and no one can.

Don't the majority of people marry or commit to someone with the belief that they would never cheat and hurt the person they love under any circumstances? Yet infidelity rates are so high!

Like most things in life, you have to accept that you don't know what the future holds, hope for the best and enjoy what you have in the moment.

I really don't think you said anything wrong, OP. Maybe the delivery could have been softer if anything, but we weren't there.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that when you are in a relationship with someone, you are in one with the entirety of them and all their life's history. You dont get to pick and choose which bits you find convenient.

Assuming you are not actively demonstrating deep mistrust of his actions every day and making digs and accusing him of "when" he "eventually" will do it.... then it is perfectly understandable to remain cautiously optimistic when you have been betrayed by multiple partners in the past.

I'm sure he has some of his own history that requires a bit if understanding on your part, too. We all do. None of us are blank canvases.

If you can't trust him then you can't give him the relationship he wants. If you can never trust men then keep things casual. You can't have a proper relationship with someone if you won't trust them.

Obviously anyone can cheat given the right circumstances and if they do yes the relationship will fail but it can't even start if the trust isn't given.

Well, I feel the same as OP. I would never trust anyone 100% not to cheat in the future. As I said, I trust that right now infedilty is not a thing in my marriage and I don't expect it to be. However, I acknowledge that I don't know what the future might bring.

I believe this is also what OP is saying. Pretty realistic view, right?

I have managed to have a 'proper relationship' that is happy for 20 years with these views.

OP is not living with suspicion, she is not monitoring and behaving in a toxic manner. She stated a simple fact.

That was a little patronising @Trustisanissue - I’m not a naive 20 year old, I’ve been cheated on in my marriage in a pretty awful way. I know life changes through the years, I know you change too and I know the person I was 20 years ago is not the person I am today. However, I also know I will never be a person who will cheat. Just as I know I will never go to space or be a supermodel, or grow an extra tit.

Which is exactly what the OP said.

Anyone can cheat given the right circumstances. So you agree with her.

She will trust until she has been given a reason not to, but she simply can't say that she trusts with 100% certainty that it will never happen in the future.

That is how I interpret her posts and I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, don't most people think that way?

Speaking as the "other unhelpful commenter", all I would say is that the point is not to determine the certainty of people not cheating. And that was my angle - an unhelpful one - that it is understood by every well-adjusted, mature enough adult that yes, everyone has the potential to cheat. NOBODY debates that.

The point is reflecting on how unhealthy it is chanting "THAT'S WHAT THEY BOTH SAID, THAT'S WHAT THEY BOTH SAID" when talking about it with the partner. OP said it herself that the way she put her mistrust into words HURT her partner. There is a difference between me acknowledging that my wife has the free will to cheat on me every time she goes to work, and me making her feel bad and hurt by smearing my insecurities in her face just because my exes have hurt me.

(And I am sure the takeaway from what I just said will be: "...I was not chanting...")

Why are some of you arguing for something that hasn't been said? nobody argues that OP is wrong for thinking that it is never 100% that your partner wouldn't cheat on you. It's the behaviour how you channel those feelings that matter...

Because it’s all got twisted through the thread from “I said something that hurt someone” to “But it’s only normal to be suspicious.” Not remotely the same thing, if you hurt someone with your words, insinuations and assumptions, those words remain hurtful. And then you apologise. And work hard not to offend them again. At least I do. Clearly not everyone though. No one said that anyone had to surrender their internal protection, their reliance on instinct or natural suspicion. But I think pretty much everyone - before the thread twisted - said it was not ok to hurt someone who hasn’t done a thing to deserve it.

As you yourself would say, please don't assume things about me!
I am old enough and have experienced enough of life to tell you that I will never, ever cheat & I will stand by that until my dying day.
I have always abhorred the idea of cheating on someone, I don't believe there is any excuse for it, for not being honest with someone first and being cheated on in a long term marriage has only cemented my belief.

So, no, I will not be "changing with time" or whatever else you have decided I might do.

Just to add, I find the idea that "anyone" might cheat at some point and that you can't know that about yourself quite a ridiculous idea.
Of course you can have the moral fibre to avoid cheating and to have decided that it is a line you will never cross.
If I was confronted by a partner telling me they didn't believe that about me I would end it because it would show that they really didn't know or understand me at all.

Or respect me enough to trust that I mean what I say & that I believe in my core values.

The problem is that no-one else can know that. You're the only one with access to that knowledge. Your partner can't know that you're incapable of cheating on him. He can know that you haven't done it before, and that you say you could never do it, but he can't peer inside your mind and find out if that's actually true.

So he has to trust that the person you're projecting to him is the person you really are.

Which is what OP is doing as well. She's admitted that she worded what she told her partner badly, because its obvious that she does trust him. She's not questioning him, she's not policing him, checking his phone. She knows from experience that sometimes the people you love can hurt and betray you, and despite that knowledge she's choosing to trust him. That's not a sign that she's been damaged by her past relationships, in fact its the complete opposite.

@Noitdoesntwork. Spot on.

They had a conversation about cheating and she gave her opinion and based it on her previous experiences. It is a fact that her previous partners said they would never cheat etc and they did. She was explaining why she feels the way she does. She is allowed to talk about her experiences and how they made her feel.

If she kept bringing the conversation up and was accusing him and policing him then yes, that is wrong. In the context of their conversation (which seems like a one off) I don't think she did anything particularly wrong.

I am surprised that he expected her to feel any differently to how she does.

Great post!

You can't 100% trust anyone not to cheat and people saying otherwise are just deluding themselves. I think you both have to accept that you will always be a bit wary about cheating. So long as it doesn't mean you are controlling and paranoid, it doesn't have to be an issue.

Yes, obviously I get that no one can ever fully know what is going on in someone else's head but my post was more to refute the OP's claim that no one can ever 100% know they wouldn't cheat.
I don't believe that to be true.

I dunno, I think it’s okay what you said and how you feel. I told my boyfriend the same when he was just a boyfriend, after many previous horrible experiences I probably didn’t trust him for around 2-3 years. He said he understood it (I wasn’t controlling or jealous, I just didn’t have that deep trust). He’s now my DH and I do trust him completely. It just took time.

Then what is the point of coming here and creating a thread wondering potential solutions to this...non-problem? It is clearly a heavier issue in their relationship, not a healthy or normal way of processing what we all can.