Boyfriend is upset I can't trust he won't cheat

[Trustisanissue]

I was married for 20 years. That ended because XH cheated. I forgave him the first time I discovered his cheating 12 years in. I didn't forgive him the second time I found him cheating again. XH was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I was with the next man for 3 years. He cheated on me too. That was really hard to process, as he knew how deeply XHs cheating had broken me. He was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I've been with my current boyfriend 18 months. We've been friends for 10 years. He got upset this morning when I told him I couldn't trust that he won't cheat in the future. He said things like "it's just not me. I don't do that. You know me well enough by now to know I couldn't do that, it's not in my nature"

He found my repeated reply of "they said that too" upsetting. He finds it hard to hear that my past experiences make me look at him this way as he tells me he's not a cheating person.

The other two men said that too.

I trusted them. And I trust him now.

We both understand the others perspective, and left it this morning with a sad conclusion of "thank you for listening"

Any tips on helping us in this please?

But @Endofyear would you actually say it to your husband's face? And when he, upset, says he wouldn't do that to you, would you repeatedly say to him "they said that, too"?

It's understandable that the OP is wary but there's no need to voice it or at least in the way she did. It's incredible hurtful.

How is that relevant?

I completely understand why you feel that way, OP, but agree with those saying that it wasn't a great idea to voice that to your bf and to then hammer it home in the way it sounds like you did.
You might have done some irreparable damage to your relationship there but I hope not.

You need to step back from relationships. Take time to heal emotionally, seek some therapy to help you work through your feelings.

You haven't healed, because you are taking baggage from your previous relationships into your new one. Yes, some men do cheat but there are plenty out there who wouldn't and don't. Until you can see this, and change your mindset, you are going to never fully trust a partner again.

It's not fair on any new partner, to be told that no matter what, you can't and won't ever fully trust him not to cheat. It's insulting and upsetting.

Of course, we can't predict the future, we don't know what might happen. Every single person has the potential to cheat, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's a foregone conclusion that they will.

If you go into a relationship thinking your partner will cheat, then you've already started to self-sabotage the relationship in your own mind, before it's started! It's not healthy.

In your position I understand, I’d never trust a man 100% either, but I wouldn’t have told him that.

How can you say you trust him yet you think he’ll cheat?

You are punishing him for the mistakes of your exes. I think you need to heal.

Alternatively, read the thread asking 'Are you happily married', plenty here are, and they love and trust their husbands 100%.

Because it's a response to the post I quoted.

I could have started one of those threads in the first 12 years of my marriage.

I never believed XH was capable of betraying the person he was and believed himself to be.

Until the day he did.

There’s an awful lot of nuance between the statements ‘I believe you will cheat’ and ‘I don’t believe you won’t cheat’. Depends how you frame it to someone.

The only way to 100% protect yourself from being hurt again is to not be in a relationship.

Maybe it would be fairer on your bf for you to choose to stay single?

That's your experience, plenty on the other thread have had no cause to mistrust their partners in 30, 40, 50 years.
Maybe you will never trust a man again, and that's a shame, but if you can live like that, and more importantly if your partner can live with the fact that you don't trust him and never will....crack on.

I think it’s reasonable to not trust someone completely especially after what you’ve experienced. I don’t and as far as I know I haven’t been cheated on but h of over 20 years.
But talking about it is another thing. It’s actively saying I think you will cheat and it’s upsetting for the other person.
So basically you can think it but it won’t help or change anything by saying it and in fact it might damage your relationship. You do trust him in that you don’t think he’s seeking someone else now and that’s as far as anyone can get really. I’m cynical though.

It honestly makes no sense as a response.

You’re being really abusive. If you can’t be with him without behaving like this then he deserves better and you should stay single. You can’t treat people like this due to your past, that’s your issue to sort.

I am sorry, but at the end of the day, you have the issue, him potentially cheating is in your head, not in his actions, not in reality. I mean, at this point it is just like hitting your partner in the morning because he did something in your dreams (those are barely funny in instagram skits, too). Punishing someone for something someone else has done, is grade A horrible, and sorry to say, it is a form of abuse. You have a lot of work to do with your mental state and trust issues, those are not for him to fix. It is not fair on him.

I’m not sure what you want from this thread, op. Obviously some people cheat. That doesn’t justify what you’ve said to your boyfriend. Unjustified jealousy and distrust are abusive.

You should probably find another way to manage your feelings without insulting your boyfriend or else end the relationship.

I wanted ideas as to how to deal with this disagreement if the conversation happens again.

I've heard those posters who've said I could have been kinder in how I spoke with him and I take that on board.

Those suggesting I need therapy, need to stay single for my life and am abusive seem to have missed that you cannot 100% guarantee a person will not cheat. To know that and voice that is not distrustful, nor unjustified jealousy. It's being open and honest with the person I love, trust and choose.

I have never cheated. I choose to never do so. Can I 100% say I wouldn't ever? No. Because I'm not that naive anymore. I don't need therapy to acknowledge we can all be imperfect people at times.

You aren't ready to date at all let him go

Absolutely not one person tried to disregard the sheer statistics of the other person not cheating. But here's the kicker: Nobody feels the need to, either. For healthy, well-adjusted adults, who live in reality instead of "what-ifs" and hypothetical scenarios it is enough. If you are unable to handle that, relationships are not for you going forward. And yes, you can say 100% certainty that you won't cheat, but let's not confuse proving something that you are in 100% control vs something that you will never be in 100% control. Problem is, you are not willing to accept this. You don't seem to see how your behaviour is unreasonable, and not fit for an adult relationship. You ask for how to steer the argument around it, and not even attempting to maybe get to a better place mentally where the argument doesn't even happen. The fact that you are so against doing some mental self-care is also telling. You do not think it is wrong what you are doing to him. And as long as this is the case, you have no chance of sorting this.. And he will not put up with this for long... or at least shouldn't.

Where do you draw the line @Trustisanissue ? Going outside your door in full armour in case a meteorite falls from the sky? it happened before, and there's never a 100% chance of it not happening... Please think of this example carefully. It has a lot of parallel with what you are doing.

I can give you a more meta one... Once you and him are done, does the fact that you were so unreasonable mean that he should expect it from any future partner? You know the answer to that, don't you?

Quite arrogant of you to expect him to do penance for men he doesn't even know. You should have done the self-work before getting into a relationship so as to avoid this, and instead look for someone to put your heavy load on. You need to go to Counselling and you're probably best off apart whilst thats done, if youre going to be tempted to offload all of it onto him after sessions. If he has any self-esteem he won't accept this from your anyway so its best sorted sooner rather than later. I think if this was vice versa and you as a woman were being negged by a man, the advice you've received on here would be very different.

no one or most dont set out to cheat (i know some consider it a sport) overall in general people get seduced or tempted or the moment etc and then opps they cheat, its better to presume at some point someone will cheat or have an affair etc overall (yes not all people) but most given the temptation or they click with the right person and then they be doing the dance with no pants

you could always say you can prove that you would not cheat by not cheating ?

I think that you can say that you have faith and hope that he will not cheat. But, if this does happen you TRUST that YOU have the experience and resilience to manage YOURSELF.

We only ever have control over ourselves, our choices, our behaviours.

You can plan and hope that you never need the skills and knowledge you had no choice in developing but your going to be ok if you do.