Boyfriend is upset I can't trust he won't cheat

[Trustisanissue]

I was married for 20 years. That ended because XH cheated. I forgave him the first time I discovered his cheating 12 years in. I didn't forgive him the second time I found him cheating again. XH was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I was with the next man for 3 years. He cheated on me too. That was really hard to process, as he knew how deeply XHs cheating had broken me. He was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I've been with my current boyfriend 18 months. We've been friends for 10 years. He got upset this morning when I told him I couldn't trust that he won't cheat in the future. He said things like "it's just not me. I don't do that. You know me well enough by now to know I couldn't do that, it's not in my nature"

He found my repeated reply of "they said that too" upsetting. He finds it hard to hear that my past experiences make me look at him this way as he tells me he's not a cheating person.

The other two men said that too.

I trusted them. And I trust him now.

We both understand the others perspective, and left it this morning with a sad conclusion of "thank you for listening"

Any tips on helping us in this please?

This. You’re just going to sabotage your future relationships sadly

Yes sorry it is not meant to you but more general, lots of comments were very simple advise that you shouldnt date in that situation.

well as she explained it - she does trust him but not completely.

i think its good to be honest, you might think about yourself „i know myself i would never….” And maybe it would be true but often circumstances and people are changing.

its like you trust your kids… but blindly? Would you just write off all your assets and trust they will take care of you? Advise here would be „better be careful”

Ok, and thanks for responding.

I don't think I am saying, or have said, that anyone had to write off their relationship.

What I have said is that it's unbelievably sad and unfair when people bring insecurities from their previous relationships to bear on their new relationships.

I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who told me they felt that way about me.
If they don't trust me, what's the point? You've told him you don't trust him.

I was cheated on too. Its a pain far worse than any other. It breaks you and puts such horrible self doubt into your head.
To have it happen multiple times must be awful. Once almost finished me off.

What you need to do even though its not easy is to take that trauma and stick it on a scale. On the other side you put your life with your new partner. If he's worth that potential pain then go with it and just enjoy life with him.
If the scales come up short then I would walk away.

There is always the possibility of experiencing that pain again. You can't let its power over you dictate your future. In that way your ex's still hold sway over your happiness.

I think you're looking at this slightly wrong @Trustisanissue , because from where I'm standing, you do trust him not to cheat.

You're in a relationship with him, you're not policing his behaviour, not checking his phone. You're putting your future happiness in his hands, despite the risks. That's trust.

I'm having fairly major surgery next week. I trust the surgeons not to get me killed. That doesn't mean that I think the risks of dying are nil. People are human, people fuck up. But I trust that the surgeons are competent, and that they will do their best. I trust them, despite knowing the risks.

It's the same thing with your partner. You may not believe he's incapable of cheating, but you're trusting him not to.

People in relationships should speak with openness and honesty. That's a fact.

Is it? There are plenty of things I think partners should be honest about, but i disagree that there is an absolute need for honesty when it serves only to upset someone. He cannot guarantee to your satisfaction that he won't cheat and you cannot trust him 100%, so why even have the conversation?

I always imagined myself ending up with someone dark and brooding, which my husband isn't. Do I mention that to him? No, of course not because it would potenrially hurt his feelings and nothing can change his skin tone or my past so it would just be hurtful.

I suspect that he doesn't really like tattoos, but I already had some when we met. He has never said anything negative about my tattoos and he never would because there's nothing to be done about them now and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

Honesty is good if it is used as a building block to scaffold a strong relationship. You sound like you're using it as a wrecking ball, to take chunks out of the potentially good thing you have.

@NannyOggAlterEgo @Endofyear

Thank you - people who seem to have a far better understanding of conversations, the lose of nuance when trying to summarise a conversation in text and a realisation that you can both trust someone and acknowledge they might screw up in the future.

@exhaustDAD My namechange was an off the hoof moment. This thread is one of several you're on where it's clear your username is apt. You are truly exhausting. You incorrectly infer and imply. You berate and ignore what doesn't suit the narrative in your head. You enjoy being part of the pile on gang and sadly take it to extremes. That doesn't help anyone, but maybe it makes you feel better. Else why put so much time and effort into telling a stranger how wrong they are.

@DysmalRadius why even have the conversation? It wasn't intentional...it evolved from the card conversation.

And in my world, the 2 examples you raise were discussed by month 4! I know boyfriends type and he knows mine. We both know how the other feels about tattoos and are happy the other is happy with their choices on their body. What you're describing to me is a fear of finding out what the other thinks and living with what feels like a lie by omission because you suspect something.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots that is a really helpful analogy. Thank you. You're right. I trust him in every way possible whilst acknowledging he could fuck up too. Wishing you all the best with your surgery next week 💐

The throwaway line of your username is what you took away from all of it @Trustisanissue . That is amazing. Classic, btw, not even acknowledge any of the points at all. God forbid any of it made sense. I am not the one making my partner feel hurt and upset. You came on this forum and posted about it, don't tell me you don't sense that it is right what you are doing. just wow. Again, the overwhelming majority bar 1-2 people are telling you that you are being in the wrong...and you think everyone is wrong. And yes, I am the exhausting one - ms listing fact after fact that are not even facts.

I wonder if actually the person you don't trust is yourself and specifically your ability to tell if someone is lying - unsurprisingly given your history. I think it's not unreasonable to fear being decieved again and find it difficult to trust.

So it comes down to what you do about that - suspicious, controlling behaviour is harmful and if you feel you're going down that I agree with PP that you're better off not being in a relationship. But I think it can be healthy just holding back just a little bit and making sure you still have a life outside the relationship in case it ends.

Thank you @UnaOfStormhold That's helpful. I shall spend some time reflecting on that and see what I conclude.

I was not suspicious in either of the previous relationships, as they gave me no cause to be. Until they tripped up and everything came crashing down.

I don't know if you've ever been cheated on, but there are posters on other threads who "can't understand how you could live with someone and not know they were having an affair". If someone wants to keep something a secret, they do it very well. I feel there is a lot of that lack of understanding on this thread that it could happen to them.

I'm not at all suspicious of my boyfriend. I have no reason to be. I don't live in a state of suspicion around him, as that's not who he is nor showing himself to be.

I don't see the black and white that so many posters in this thread sadly do. This thread has helped me realise that you can fully trust someone whilst still acknowledging that they could screw up. I think that's a healthy way to think.

Which is a different place to where I was when I started this thread. So it has been helpful. And I'm so grateful my boyfriend listened. I'm sad my thoughts upset him. My words conveying my thoughts could have been much better chosen, so if the conversation comes up again I will be mindful of this. But my thoughts will remain the same. It's his decision if he finds it a deal breaker, like some of you believe he should.

What you described just now - it is great. Acknowledging it all, and being way more reflective than how you started, it is an absolute win. Well done @Trustisanissue . I mean that.

I completely understand your side here op. I understand his too.
The thing is it's not really him you need to trust in - as you and I have learned the hard way, you never know what someone else is capable of and that can bite us. You need to trust in yourself. Trust that you would be fine if the worst happened. Trust that your intuition would tell you if something was amiss. Trust that you can put the right boundaries in place and uphold them.
Circumstances and people change all the time, you don't need to fully trust everyone in your life, you just need to trust yourself.
Personally I wouldn't have shared that you don't trust him. You just needed to explain to him that you find it hard to trust given your experiences therefore you would appreciate more reassurance than might sometimes seem reasonable and ask that he be patient with you. Tell him what you need to feel safe rather than make it seem like his efforts to do that will be futile.
Have you had therapy? I'd definitely recommend it for helping you trust in yourself more.

I've been reflective throughout this thread. I wouldn't have posted if I didn't want help to move through this.

However, you have inferred from my posts that I haven't been. Your responses have made that clear. They've also shown a lack of understanding of the nuance of life

Some reflections for you to take away here I feel. I mean that.

This thread has helped me realise that you can fully trust someone whilst still acknowledging that they could screw up

I think it goes further than that actually, I don't think you can trust someone without acknowledging they can screw up.

The sun is going to come up tomorrow morning. I know this to be true. The chances of it not happening are so infinitesimal that it's not worth thinking about it. I don't have to trust it will happen, it just will.

On the other hand, I trusted the weather forecast this morning that it was going to stay dry and didn't bring my waterproofs. Turns out that trust was misplaced and I got a bit soggy but that's by the by. You can't guarantee the weather forecast is going to be accurate, so you have to trust it.

Trust requires an element of risk. If there's no chance of someone fucking up, then there's no need for trust.

It sounds as if the anonymous Valentines card has triggered the feelings the OP felt when her other two relationships went bad due to her partners cheating.

It's hard to rebuild trust, but this present boyfriend shouldn't be judged by men he has never even met.
If it was a one-off conversation I think it would be best to leave it there....there is such a thing as being too open with your feelings, especially when they are negatively impacting her present partner.

Could you be in a relationship with someone who didn't trust you?

Helping you I think. He is being reasonable

This.

You’re punishing him for the actions of others.

Yet another post on this thread containing assumptions.

No feelings triggered here, unless you know otherwise?

You know my present boyfriend has never met the previous partners because...?

I’m not entirely sure what you want from this thread OP. You’ve laid out your issue and are absolutely unwilling to consider that your way of thinking isn’t necessarily everyone’s way of thinking. If you are so rigid in your views then I don’t think anyone CAN give you tips as you are simply going to repeat your point of view.

Punishing him?

By telling him I think he, like every human being in the world, could be capable of cheating on a partner?

Just wow.

Have a read of @VimesandhisCardboardBoots most excellent analogy of this situation and see if you still think I'm punishing him.

If you read all my posts, you'll see I've already answered that question from another non helpful poster.

And you'll also see I've reached a conclusion with the help of some wonderful posters who recognise that get therapy for this, dump him, stay single forever, allow that poor man to find someone who trusts him is just too black and white for life and so far removed from what has actually happened.

I mean I would echo that it sounds like you need to be single and heal but, also, pretty much anyone can cheat under certain circumstances, no matter what he says. Everyone is falable.

But if he does, why should that mean the relationship wasn't worthwhile up until then?

Most relationships, end. That's life.
Sometimes for amicable reasons like drifting apart. Sometimes for stupidity and moral failures like cheating. Sometimes because one partner is horribly insecure and makes the relationship impossible to continue with.

Get over the idea that this relationship is a forever. Because it's 99.9percent not going to be. And just enjoy it for what it is. And try not to be the one that fucks it up. Partners are just company. If and when it stops bring good, walk away and be thankful for the time it was healthy.

It's not that deep babe. Life us painful. But you can't live in the past. Or in the 'what ifs'.

I think you have had a hard time on this thread, but I'm glad some of it was helpful.

I do not currently doubt my husband's fidelity. I do not expect him to cheat. However, I don't trust anyone 100% because you do not know what the future will bring and you can't control what another person will or won't do.

My husband is not hurt by my stance on this. To me, it is just honest and realistic. I am surprised that your partner wouldn't be more understanding given what you have been through. It's a realistic view of relationships.

If you were very suspicious without cause and were monitoring him etc, then yes, I would agree that you need to heal. You aren't doing that.