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Original poster

Boyfriend is upset I can't trust he won't cheat

158 replies

Trustisanissue · 17/02/2026 17:08

I was married for 20 years. That ended because XH cheated. I forgave him the first time I discovered his cheating 12 years in. I didn't forgive him the second time I found him cheating again. XH was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I was with the next man for 3 years. He cheated on me too. That was really hard to process, as he knew how deeply XHs cheating had broken me. He was lovely... Until he wasn't.

I've been with my current boyfriend 18 months. We've been friends for 10 years. He got upset this morning when I told him I couldn't trust that he won't cheat in the future. He said things like "it's just not me. I don't do that. You know me well enough by now to know I couldn't do that, it's not in my nature"

He found my repeated reply of "they said that too" upsetting. He finds it hard to hear that my past experiences make me look at him this way as he tells me he's not a cheating person.

The other two men said that too.

I trusted them. And I trust him now.

We both understand the others perspective, and left it this morning with a sad conclusion of "thank you for listening"

Any tips on helping us in this please?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 17/02/2026 17:48

You’re not being fair to him at all. What you said - that you don’t trust him - is a fairly nasty thing to say to someone. You are absolutely fine to think that of course, it’s understandable given your history, but what it means is you’re not ready to be in a new relationship. Don’t be in a relationship until you can be in one when you’re not thinking they’re going to cheat on you.

Tacohill · 17/02/2026 17:48

If a man told me he didn’t trust me I would (and have) end the relationship.

When a man tells me he doesn’t trust me, he is saying that he thinks I have no morals, I am a slut or easy - I refuse to be with a man who thinks of me that way.

These are your issues OP, not his.
If you don’t trust him then don’t be with him - it’s pretty simple.

You either need to work on yourself or stay single, perhaps both for now.

exhaustDAD · 17/02/2026 17:49

The problem is @Trustisanissue , that your lack of trust is your issue, it's not his to fix. And I feel sympathy for you, I am sorry you've been treated this way in the past, but that's not the way life works... Just because 2 men have hurt you, they have nothing to do with the actions of the current boyfriend. To be extreme, even if you had 10 men who cheated on you, the 11th will have nothing to do with them. It's about individuals... And no amount of past hurt will determine anyone else's likelihood of cheating in the future (or lack of). I am sure you agree it's not fair to punish someone for someone else's wrongdoings... Imagine it reversed... What if all your boyfriend's exes have scammed him out of his money for instance... would it be fair if he would expect you to do the same because of them? I would presume you wouldn't like that...
You have some healing to do. Granted, he should not engage in the argument. As it's not about him. I get why he would be upset by voicing the definite lack of trust... I know I wouldn't like it either. And that's the trouble, OP, a concrete lack of trust that he never actually earned will put a strain on the relationship. I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't trust me. You need to find a way to heal or be realistic about these things...therapy?

TY78910 · 17/02/2026 17:50

ValidPistachio · 17/02/2026 17:33

Have you considered not telling him you don’t trust him to not cheat?

This. You can be skeptical through your experiences and in time you may heal. This doesn’t mean that you need to project that on to him. He’s done nothing wrong (unless there’s a drip feed coming) and hearing that, probably on multiple occasions would be frustrating. Just keep it to yourself, do therapy on the side and allow him to enjoy you.

Arlanymor · 17/02/2026 17:50

NannyOggAlterEgo · 17/02/2026 17:45

I’m bit surprised how it is for everyone black and white. Have trust issues so go to the therapy and don’t date till you will fix yourself. What if you won’t be able to fix yourself without meeting someone who will show you that you can trust them? Sometimes you just need a time, and good people around you, I wouldn’t blindly trust anybody, you do give credit of doubt of course but that’s it.

loving partner if it is right partner for you should be understanding, you have past experiences and doubts - then he will just prove with time by his actions that you can trust him and you in meantime try to judge him more by his actions so far. But You should be able to be open with your partner, everyone has right to doubts or insecurities sometimes and partner should support.

same if he will worry you will leave him if he will be depressed or without work / money ;)

She's known him for 10 years and dated him for 18 months - how much longer does she need to be around for him for him to 'prove' himself trustworthy? Plus it's not his job to gain her trust, he's not broken it. It's extremely exhausting being around someone who doesn't trust you - same goes for jealousy and other toxic traits that don't belong in a loving relationship. Yes you should be able to be open to your partner, yes you are entitled to doubts and insecurities, you however are not allowed to project these on to other people, particularly those who have done absolutely nothing wrong. It's exhausting and upsetting.

Naws · 17/02/2026 17:52

NannyOggAlterEgo · 17/02/2026 17:45

I’m bit surprised how it is for everyone black and white. Have trust issues so go to the therapy and don’t date till you will fix yourself. What if you won’t be able to fix yourself without meeting someone who will show you that you can trust them? Sometimes you just need a time, and good people around you, I wouldn’t blindly trust anybody, you do give credit of doubt of course but that’s it.

loving partner if it is right partner for you should be understanding, you have past experiences and doubts - then he will just prove with time by his actions that you can trust him and you in meantime try to judge him more by his actions so far. But You should be able to be open with your partner, everyone has right to doubts or insecurities sometimes and partner should support.

same if he will worry you will leave him if he will be depressed or without work / money ;)

It's no-one's job to 'fix' the OP.

She's not their project.

She's been with this man 18 months and has been friends with him for 10 years, yet she's perfectly happy to upset him by saying she doesn't trust him.

That's a horrible thing to say to a partner and if he had any sense, he'd call it a day.

Loubelou71 · 17/02/2026 17:53

I think he deserves an apology. You're tarring him with the same brush as the previous partners. You can't assume he will be the same and it's unfair to judge him like that.

DelphiniumBlue · 17/02/2026 17:58

When a relationship ends, it’s more often than not because someone has cheated. Serial monogamy with some crossover is par for the course.
Of course you can’t trust someone 100% not to cheat. Why is he even asking you this? It’s a ridiculous question and if he keeps raising it I would see it as a red flag, tbh. He’s not a child or a lovestruck teenager, he must know how the world works.

yikesss · 17/02/2026 17:59

You arent ready or he isnt the one

dapsnotplimsolls · 17/02/2026 18:06

You've known him for 10 years. Has he cheated on anyone in that time? I think you both need relationship counselling.

IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth · 17/02/2026 18:07

DelphiniumBlue · 17/02/2026 17:58

When a relationship ends, it’s more often than not because someone has cheated. Serial monogamy with some crossover is par for the course.
Of course you can’t trust someone 100% not to cheat. Why is he even asking you this? It’s a ridiculous question and if he keeps raising it I would see it as a red flag, tbh. He’s not a child or a lovestruck teenager, he must know how the world works.

@DelphiniumBlue where does the OP say anything about HIM having asked her anything or that he keeps raising it?

She doesn't.

Naws · 17/02/2026 18:10

DelphiniumBlue · 17/02/2026 17:58

When a relationship ends, it’s more often than not because someone has cheated. Serial monogamy with some crossover is par for the course.
Of course you can’t trust someone 100% not to cheat. Why is he even asking you this? It’s a ridiculous question and if he keeps raising it I would see it as a red flag, tbh. He’s not a child or a lovestruck teenager, he must know how the world works.

The OP hasn't said he asked her?

Gnomer · 17/02/2026 18:13

Anyone can cheat, it's not hard. I don't think it's sensible to trust anyone 100% - sometimes people can't even trust themselves! I don't think it has to be as black and white as I trust you 100% or I don't trust you at all though. It's fine to have the attitude of 'I trust you but I'm aware that it's possible you might cheat at some point in the future.' That's just sensible IMO.

If you don't trust him at all though then you're not ready to be in a relationship.

popcornandpotatoes · 17/02/2026 18:14

I think you're probably better off without men tbh

Quitelikeit · 17/02/2026 18:17

Regardless of what others say here you can never ever know that someone will not cheat on you.

I don’t take my husband for granted. Even if he thinks he wouldn’t cheat he cannot truly predict the future.

Therefore yes your bf could cheat but I don’t think it’s helpful the way you frame your worries to him - maybe too accusatory

Try reframing them to I feel so insecure today or similar

Randomuser2026 · 17/02/2026 18:21

What answer are you expecting from him. What the actual heck is he supposed to do with this?

The correct answer of course is “I appreciate that, however I have no wish to be punished for the actions of your exes, so we’ll leave it at that and I wish you the best”

Original poster
Trustisanissue · 17/02/2026 18:22

TheThingOnTheIce · 17/02/2026 17:43

I mean let’s be honest you can’t really 100% trust anyone and the threads on this board prove that every day
however, while I wouldn’t put my sons life on someone not cheating on me I’d trust them to a point until they gave me reason not to and would tell them I trusted them if asked .
I think there’s a difference in knowing everyone has the potential to cheat and actively not trusting someone

This is where I'm at.

I do trust him. He's a lovely man.

This morning was a one off conversation prompted by an anonymous valentine's card he received in the post to his work. It hasn't prompted me to worry in the slightest that he is cheating, but it did result in our conversation.

I've never, and would never, trawl his phone or try to tell him who he can/can't see.

But you cannot 100% trust a person not to cheat. And my experience has shown me that.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 17/02/2026 18:28

You shouldn’t be dating let alone in a relationship if you’re still carrying so much emotional baggage

How long were you single inbetween these relationships? What work did you do on healing yourself?

ginasevern · 17/02/2026 18:28

No answers OP. Other than to say that any man is capable of cheating. It doesn't mean they ever will but none of us can predict the future, or control someone else's journey through life. All we can do is hope for the best and make decisions based on what we see before us. That's all anyone does when they choose a partner. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but generally there's no magical equation or stereotype.

Naws · 17/02/2026 18:30

Trustisanissue · 17/02/2026 18:22

This is where I'm at.

I do trust him. He's a lovely man.

This morning was a one off conversation prompted by an anonymous valentine's card he received in the post to his work. It hasn't prompted me to worry in the slightest that he is cheating, but it did result in our conversation.

I've never, and would never, trawl his phone or try to tell him who he can/can't see.

But you cannot 100% trust a person not to cheat. And my experience has shown me that.

Show quote history

But you cannot 100% trust a person not to cheat. And my experience has shown me that.

You don't need experience to show you that. It's like saying in your experience water is wet.

But what I find unacceptable and actually quite horrible, is that you chose to drive it home to him.

Almost as though you took pleasure in making him feel insecure about your trust in him.

Endofyear · 17/02/2026 18:34

Honestly, given your past experiences, I'm not surprised you're a bit wary - I think it's understandable.

I've been married 35 years - I don't think my DH has ever cheated, I don't think he ever would. But to say I know for certain 100% he never would is foolish imo. Given the right circumstances and the inevitable ups and downs of a long relationship, who knows?

TY78910 · 17/02/2026 18:35

Naws · 17/02/2026 17:52

It's no-one's job to 'fix' the OP.

She's not their project.

She's been with this man 18 months and has been friends with him for 10 years, yet she's perfectly happy to upset him by saying she doesn't trust him.

That's a horrible thing to say to a partner and if he had any sense, he'd call it a day.

Show quote history

Absolutely. Imagine if this was the other way around. Posters would be saying LTB, the man is emotionally abusive, it’s his way you keep you on your toes and control you.

Dweetfidilove · 17/02/2026 18:36

Mysticguru · 17/02/2026 17:09

He needs to finish with you and you need to heal.

Pretty much.

Original poster
Trustisanissue · 17/02/2026 18:40

Naws · 17/02/2026 18:30

But you cannot 100% trust a person not to cheat. And my experience has shown me that.

You don't need experience to show you that. It's like saying in your experience water is wet.

But what I find unacceptable and actually quite horrible, is that you chose to drive it home to him.

Almost as though you took pleasure in making him feel insecure about your trust in him.

Show quote history

Have you read MN recently? Seen the several threads started by women posting in shock as they never thought their partner was capable of cheating on them.

OP posts:
FryingPam · 17/02/2026 18:41

I don’t think this relationship has a future if you can’t trust him and judge him by things other men did.