Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

He’s not an amazing dad and partner if he takes coke.

I work with addiction. Op will need to scarifice a great deal if they are to successfully manage a future without cocaine.

This might mean all socialising, and I mean all socialising and trigger points. The man he currently is today will be very different to the sober version he will become tomorrow.

He may struggle a great deal in the short term, and need the escape of his addiction. It is going to include counselling for both of them, couple counselling eventually, professional support and plenty of it.

There is a good chance he might become very low, and even depressed for a while. Op may even start to wish for her ‘old’ life back and the man she married. It’s a tough road. Life will look very different. That is what I mean by sacrifice.

They will be giving up their old life, the man he is now in many respects, without his crutch. This could bring up a lot for her husband that is unexpected and painful. The process is likely to reach the core of who he is, and the insecurities he is having to live with.

At the end they will have a life they deserve - healthy and wholesome, free of drug use. Coke will eventually cut his life short if he continues, as he ages it will start to really affect him. Op, you are being very brave, facing up to this now. Drawing a line in the sand, I hope you can line up the support you will both need. 💐

A previous manager did coke in their younger years (say 20 years prior to being my mabager). One day they just decided they were going to stop, but they had only been addicted for a few years having just been mid-20s then.
i still think it’s a challenge for ex-manager to be clean. They smoke so still has an addiction (albeit a legal one).
Good luck with it all. You’ve laid your cards on the table now so the ball is in his court. I def think you’ve done the right thing, your kids are still young but as they grow up they would’ve seen the effects much more clearly as they’ll be up later, may see him high, will know about the existence of drugs, etc.

He’s an addict - you given an ultimatum

so depends what happens next

if he still does coke wil you follow through and split up /divorce

or will you forgive his lies if he does it again and then Says he won’t

hes done it for 20yrs - I think he will find it very hard to give up so if he doesn’t then will you divorce him ?

due to having an addict as an dh - now split 2yrs and middle of divorce - but due to alcohol - I am now very blunt and will say 99% addicts imo will fail /relapse etc

keyhole for your sake he will beat his addiction but the bottom line is / if he doesn’t will you be brave enough to split

they say they will stop. They even go to aa or in your cause na - but many relapses and dh just wouldn’t stop drinking so I said enough

it tough and hard being a single parent But you HAVE to split if he doesn’t stop

I'm sorry for your situation. I too would give him a chance to change.
He's been an addict his whole adult life (if adulthood, in a brain sense, starts at 25) so he doesn't who who he is without it. It will be very scary and destabilising for him to find out. He'll need some proper support and also a genuine motivation within himself to change.
I wish you both well

Good luck with this OP (genuinely). As the daughter of an alcoholic who eventually beat their addiction, it’s a long crap road ahead. You’ve got the ball rolling which is great but you need to be preparing for a separation from your DH while he gets clean. I don’t say this lightly but it’s not easy for addicts to give up and this can cause relapses and escalating (often aggressive) behaviour. You don’t want your children around that - it’s so damaging and they will need to feel safe with one parent. You also need to prepare to potentially move away from the area, change jobs and to completely cut off his old friends. It is that shit - sorry. He’s never had to choose between the coke and you before but now you are twisting his hand please be prepared for things to get very nasty and difficult for a few years before they start to get better.

I can speak to this from experience. The positive - My brother is one of the lucky ones who managed to beat addiction and move on with his life, sober 15yrs (drugs inc coke/alcohol). He had to hit rock bottom before accepting help that I arranged for him. Addicts need to be self motivated to change. But - it can happen, so there is hope for your husband.

being realistic - for those around the addict recovery is not a smooth path. There’s a reason for the addiction (seems your husband is using it as a way to cope with constantly feeling “less than”?). Don’t be naive enough to think it’s as simple as the coke stops and you get to keep the rest of the “great husband” behaviour - he’s great BECAUSE of the coke not in spite of it. You will be confronted with the warts and all version, possibly someone you won’t recognise and don’t like. You will be very confused. He uses coke as a coping mechanism and once that’s gone he will need to confront himself and, if he is able to stay out of the addiction, find new coping mechanisms that hopefully aren’t transferred addiction.

I can see you’re blaming yourself and taking responsibility for his addiction because you said it was ok - that’s not the case though, he’s been quite manipulative imo by asking for your permission. He’s made it “your fault” when it’s entirely not your fault - but expect that to be thrown back in your face a fair few times.

just remember that your children only have you to protect them - if that helps you put aside the guilt of having enabled him then use it as motivation. Protect them at all costs.

I have a friend who is just beginning to admit the depth of his addictions to me (also coke and misuses alcohol, thinks it’s well hidden from the kids). He is deeply unhappy in his marriage, the household is utterly chaotic, the kids are teens one is totally shut down and the other is a tearaway with really worrying behaviour. His wife also “allows” him to go out and indulge his addictions. But from the outside if you met him you’d see a functioning adult with a senior very well paid job who is very involved in family life, pulls his weight round the house and is generally being a “great dad”. The drugs allow him to do this.

good luck, I wish you all the best with this, and don’t forget to get yourself support that is just for you and not for him. It sounds like you’re at a bit of a watershed moment in your life.

I grew up with a parent with drug addiction - it was fine and I wasn’t aware until suddenly it wasn’t fine and everything blew up (many many years into the drug addiction). As we were middle class, had nice holidays, were well dressed etc etc no one stepped in.

I still harbour a huge amount of resentment against my other parent and everyone around us who saw what was going on and didn’t protect me and my siblings.

One consequence of this is that my siblings and I have never touched drugs and I would not tolerate it in a partner and absolutely not if we had children together.

Your husband is a ticking time bomb. He needs to seek addiction support before his behaviour has further impact. It is clearly already impacting you.

I have huge sympathy for anyone struggling with addiction issues, I know it isn’t just a simple case of stopping. But it sounds like you are in a financial position for him to access help.

Please do something before the children get older. Once they are teenagers do you think they will notice their DF going off to the toilet and then having a complete behaviour change? Imagine them finding out that their middle aged DF is a druggie? How will they feel when they find out? Because they certainly will.

Where does he keep the drugs @ThatBlueShaker

Does he ever think of the people exploited in the drug trade?

How much money do you think he has spent on his addiction?

I feel for you. In your situation I would push very hard to help him get sober. He will need to get away from the social circle that he mixes with. He will need help from addiction services (NA that type of thing)
I dated a coke addict for 2 months this summer. He had 30 years or so of using coke, MDMA etc. Ex raver and DJ. Now he is a functioning addict with a job. He keeps his stash in the house with a young teen son. I had to dump him.even though I adored him. There were lies, mood swings, and prioritisation of planned sessions for him to use coke. All this took main priority for him. When out socially it was not immediately obvious he was high because he would do bumps of small doses of coke in the toilet. He did have a constantly runny nose and was short of cash.

Anyway, I ramble. But I remember how much it tore me up ending only a short 2 month fling. I thought I loved him. So after 22 years and 3 kids, yes, I would absolutely be fighting to save my marriage. I wouldn't just write him off but he does need to get sober with your help and professional help.

I think you're being a bit naive assuming you know exactly when he uses it op. It's human nature to semi-confess to stuff like this. To tell you enough so you think he's being honest but not the full story.

You mention not seeing him 'come down'. Maybe because he isn't coming down? He's probably taking more than he's telling you. If it sounds and feels too good to be true that he could take coke for decades without any repercussions that's probably because it isn't true.

Do you have full sight of your finances? Although even then he could have hidden debt. My sister's ex husband was addicted to coke and had taken out loans in both their names by forging her signature.

You come here looking for advice.

Everyone tells you that coke use is unacceptable.

You basically say, “No, it’s fine”

22 years is a long time to be a addict
you really don’t know him
you only know the coke head version of him
you have no idea of what he is like would be like if he wasn’t an addict because he’s been one the whole time your together

I knew quite a few coke heads growing up
none of them are alive now most died before they got to 55 - youngest was 45 mainly of stokes / heart attacks

often they swop one addiction to another
obviously your husband is wealthy enough to afford his habit but what would he do if he couldn’t afford it ..

This is a good point.

he is prob taking it a lot more than you think

and check joint accounts and ask to see any single accounts

how often does he do it afayk @ThatBlueShaker - weekly as a minimum - he will really find it hard to stop as he is a total addict

Bloody hell!! Run for the hills! It’s not just the habit itself and risking his health and his family’s wellbeing( not a great dad) but the Coke industry is reason to shun this habit. Has he watched that Gordon Ramsay documentary? It’s a few years ago now but worth a watch.

Your DH sounds very similar to a guy that sits next to my DH at football, although not Arsenal. Professional man, early 40’s, with a very highly stressed job, 3 DC, big family, the norm is to take drugs alongside drink just to have a good time. This guy can be nice, funny and a great guy and my DH has told him this is when he’s great to be around, but once the coke kicks in, he becomes a joker and on several occasions my DH has had to pull him up on his behaviour. He is now getting help, like you, his DW and family had to be truthful and say he needs to get help. DH hasn’t seen him for a while, but his brother says it’s going well, but he’s taken himself out of situations like football.

I just couldn’t be with someone who risks his health and life like that. This is an unregulated industry, he has no guarantee of the contents of that bag of white stuff- it’s mental behaviour! You have been turning a blind eye while the father of your children takes illegal substances. Thank god you have finally woken up! You need to stick to this for your children’s sake.

I don't have any experience with coke addiction but I do have a husband who sounds like you, committed and caring and who supported me through and out the other side of a host of other shitty behaviours and addictions, including long term excess alcohol consumption. He ignored the bad for too long and let me make my own poor choices until he drew a line.

He didn't ever give me ultimatums or threaten to leave, because (in his words) he believed in me, and us. But he was very clear that things needed to change, and we worked through it together. Therapy helped. It shook me up a lot, that I had put this person who I love and who loves me, through so much and that he had to shake me awake to the consequences. I feel blessed to have his positive steadying influence in my life. Some of us need help to see what our best life can look like. Wishing you both well on the road ahead.

It’s appalling how many posters are commenting not to offer a pragmatic and constructive point of view on how to handle the situation, but simply to judge the poster.

What’s his industry? I always worry about this.

Sorry youre going through this. It’s a slow process but it’s obviously all he’s known since childhood has he ever gone to therapy? I think he will need a lot of therapy.

I agree, it’s pathetic. I hope you’re ok op.

She’s never said that! Wtf! She’s said the exact opposite.

I would come at this from the angle of you love him, you’re worried about him, you don’t want this to ruin his life - or worse, kill him prematurely (it is very likely having some really unpleasant impacts on his heart).

People absolutely can change, but they have to want to because they know people are worried about them. Not because they’ve been given an ultimatum and feel forced.

I was a heavy drinker for 20 years. I knew it was a problem. I could see the effects it was having on my health and my mental wellbeing. Dh sat me down and told me how worried he was and how he didn’t want to lose me. It started to plant a seed, as did other things. Change isn’t linear and it doesn’t happen overnight. It was about 9 months from that conversation until I got sober. I needed to be ready and I needed to do it for me.

That was nearly 3 years ago and I’ve never looked back. I would say lead from a point of love and concern, not anger and pressure. And unlike what MN will tell you, just because he can’t stop right now doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to, doesn’t mean to LTB. It’s a process if he’s going to do it right and make it stick. You will also need to think about what you need to change to support him. This probably will mean giving up drinking if you drink, as least in the early days. Or giving up certain friendships or routines that might bring up stuff for him.

If he’s a decent dad and husband now (I was actually a pretty good wife and mum even when I was drinking), he will be fantastic once the dust settles. I can’t tell you how much easier and better it is now. It does take time and there will be some bumps in the road along the way.

I have a 38 year old husband who's been on coke since I met him 16 years ago. I let it go when we were younger as I'm not perfect either, I put my foot down more when I was pregnant with our first child together and after some hellish rows (part I'd the problem were his horrendous childhood friends) he cut those friends off and stopped taking it unless he was out out rather than routinely every weekend without fail. He only goes out out just a handful of times a year so again, I've never been that bothered by it, especially as I go to raves and do rave things a few times a year. He is also an amazing dad, and sole breadwinner for the family and works incredibly hard.

I have recently found out that in the past few years, when he stays out til 4/5am he's staying out on his own coked up in bars. This revelation floored me because it's just totally weird imo and feels like this man I thought I knew might be a deviant on the sly. He swears it's just because when he's high he doesn't want the night to end and tries to make new friends. Whether this is true or not is a different story - but what I do want to to say to you is please please give yours an ultimatum to STOP taking this disgusting drug. It turns people you know into strange strangers. It makes people lose their morals. No good comes from taking cocaine. It ruins lives, even if the user is not addicted.