Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

We’ll have to keep mentioning the funding of murderous drugs cartels and Amazon deforestation until the point goes in.

Though I suspect this is fake at this point. It’s too repetitive and irrational and she’s been caught contradicting herself about not having a car.

Though I suspect this is fake at this point. It’s too repetitive and irrational and she’s been caught contradicting herself about not having a car.

This!!!!

Or maybe he's not really an addict because he managed 5 weeks without it while driving around Europe.

I agree that everyone has something they do that can be improved and everyone deserves love and support… to an extent. But after 20+ years of this I’m not sure how much more accommodating you or your children should be. You say your kids have no idea and aren’t affected and this has no financial implications and everyone is happy and in love and delighted with life. So there are very few reasons to make a change which will make this incredibly challenging for him.

Cocaine is a horrible, horrible drug for so many reasons and I can’t work out how either of you could possibly have ignored that for so long. Either financially or socially or environmentally or just solely from a selfish health perspective this must have been entirely obvious for decades now. Being insanely wealthy will only protect you so long (though obviously much longer than many people)

also curious if he flew over to Europe with his drugs or bought them there. Either way… shudder. But wondering how many risks he took while driving around with his children for weeks.

I did believe it at first but now I think it can't be true because of the slip up about having no car yet driving around Europe for 5 weeks. Also he's been an addict for 20 years and she's never had a problem with it, yet he has apparently never had any in the house...

I'm not here to shame you, help you nor appeal to your conscience. I doubt this possible after your years of comfort with casual drug use. No doubt if your husband's high function starts/continues to decline as he continues to powder his nose; you and many will be vilifying those awful people who supplied your wonderful husband with drugs. Conveniently forgetting that you were all fine with him having a jolly good time, over 20 years, snorting like most of your friends do.

I am only here on this public forum to register my disgust at the hypocrisy that surrounds drug consumption.

@ThatBlueShaker what am I being silly about?

Yes. Am a bit blown away by the casualness of the OP about all this.

I worked in finance, including the trading floor of an investment bank. My DH is in finance. Rung below CFO at a FTSE100 company. His longest standing friends - also in finance [partner in big 4 accountancy firms etc] - have never done cocaine. Not one.

Vast quantities of booze seem to have always been sufficient, especially with a side helping of sport. I have no idea who these cocaine socialites are, but I’ve never encountered them.

I agree. I think OP needs to face up to the fact that your husband chose to take drugs rather than him being a supposed victim of circumstance. Plenty of people went to boarding schools and top universities (both myself and DH) and did not take drugs or emerge as drug addicts. We have also worked at a senior level in investment banking type jobs and it really is not the norm there either. It is baffling.

I don’t think anyone believed they don’t have a car. It was said to stop the questions about drug driving

Was he capable of going without for 5 weeks? If so, he may not be an addict.

If he had to smuggle a stash across the border or find a European dealer, that’s another story…

Coke has become normalised in a lot af circles, I know a lot of people who do it. IME it doesn't change their personality to an extreme, more gives a lift and a sense of being sociable, much like alcohol. I've never taken it properly and avoid it because I fear if it did make me feel that good I would want more. Yes it's irresponsible, again like alcohol, even if taken in moderation I imagine there is always that craving.

For someone to go cold turkey would be hard, all addictions need a plan. Xx

Or like many people/families in London, they hire a car when needed for holidays etc.

And do they and you not care about funding murder and rainforest destruction? Cocaine is not a personal choice like alcohol.

But own a caravan that they can’t tow without hiring a car?

I think you’re doing really well @ThatBlueShakerbecause you’ve taken a huge amount of stick here.

Maybe you are being naive and it will all go horribly wrong but you are in a good position compared with many to be able to navigate this.

I know some will think their ‘robust’ approach is helpful/tough love/straight talking but it always makes me uncomfortable on threads like this. Everything is painted as so black and white and binary with no nuance.

I just want you to know that there are people (even if they’re not posting) who get it and can see the complexity of your situation.

Stay strong, define and hold your new boundaries. Despite how much you love your husband you might need to walk away but you already know that.

Maybe. If they went away for 5 weeks last summer it’s probably cheaper to own the caravan and hire a car than have a car sitting there all year round not being driven.

I know lots and lots of people who just hire/use zip car for trips and holidays.

I don’t see this as a ‘gotcha’ that the op is lying.

That’s positive op well done.

hope Monday goes as well as it can

lots of very unhelpful replies on here

Some absolutely crazy replies in this thread smh. I especially love the ones insisting her husband is so addicted that he's defo doing lines off his kids foreheads on the hour every hour behind her back, but in the same breath bragging that they know not one single person out of their very successful and very huge high flying friendship group that has even even seen a flake of cocaine, let alone sniffed it. Fucking hilarious 😂

Good luck on Monday OP, it's a good start that he's open to intervention xx

Honestly if it were me, I think I would’ve done the same. I think I just would’ve done it sooner.
I think the ultimatum is good, but offer him support as his wife to help him quit his addiction.
if he is not willing to quit or goes behind your back and lies about it, gone.

if he feels like it helps him socialise or calms his nerves with meetings perhaps he is neurodivergent? Have you ever looked into this? As people with ADHD/Autism tend to self medicate and have addictive personalities and can remain high functioning.

I think that personally, I would’ve seen it as a problem a lot sooner but as you say, hes always done the right things so you didn’t think of it as a problem. But now you’ve made that realisation you can begin to make a better life.

You say he is a good dad/partner but you just mean he does all the things a dad and partner is supposed to do and that’s the bare minimum. But he also does something awful and unacceptable and that is not a good parent/partner. Just because hes high functioning on drugs now and has been for years doesn’t mean he always will be and he could potentially put you/your children at risk in future. It’s your job as their mother to make sure they have a stable home free from drugs.

as I say, if it were me I would be firm with my stance. I wouldn’t want that near my children.

I think most of care about these things, not that I've looked that deeply into cocaine. Everything is a lifestyle choice, sorry I don't get your point about alcohol not being one?

Do you know exactly how much coke he takes at a time? I guarantee it will be significantly more than he was taking even five years ago and will increase significantly as time goes on as he’ll need more and more to get the same high. It’s a very slippery slope.

You've genuinely never had an issue with your husband funding murder and rainforest destruction. You sound like an educated woman, so you must be aware what the cocaine industry does - yet you just genuinely don't care - as long as its not your children being forced into labour, sex traded or murdered eh?

My nephew took some coke which ended up being laced with fentanyl. He was dead before he hit the floor.
He left behind 3 young children who are absolutely devastated that they no longer have a father.

Your husband needs to consider how his family is affected- this is selfish behaviour

I’ve worked in Big 4 consulting for 20 years and never seen any drug use, like ZERO.

It’s baffling how willing you are to normalise something that really isn’t normal. you said your brother is an addict - is there other addiction in the family too?