Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

I have been reflecting on aspects of my life coming to terms with the fact that I married an addict and I sort of normalised it. I love my husband we have a good life and are very lucky. I do feel for him his upbringing wasn’t the best , him and his siblings just dumped into single sex boarding schools and he just went wild had a bit too much fun and those habits carried on at university. The university we went to was pretty much mostly privately educated toffs I guess. I met him and we were inseparable for those 3 years he’s the only man I’ve ever loved and we’ve built a great life together our kids are everything to me.

Lately I’ve been speaking to friends whose partners stopped doing coke and getting more insight into that. It’s made me want my husband to be sober. Then recently seeing him at the pub coked up just how he was acting I finally understood what he means by saying he feels as though “he can do anything” when he’s on coke.

My husband isn’t a violent person (or at least hasn’t gotten violent in the last 22 years) I feel bad for your friend and I hope she’s surrounded by loved ones that’s something no one should have to deal with it.

None of this is normal OP.

You have been brushing off an addiction your whole married life.

But only now is this suddenly an issue you are concerned about. Because you saw him act differently?
But your whole married life you will have seen him before coke and then after coke. Are the effects different now? Is he taking more?
And this is affecting you, you say it's always been this way and just normal, so why have you been up and posting the entire night (unless you live elsewhere time zone wise)?
If everything is still the same for the last 22 years, why now are you having sleepless nights.

Your children are young. But before long your eldest will be a teen. And guess what...teens experiment and unfortunately drugs quite often are in that mix. How you are and your husband especially going to feel when that too is normalised?

He needs a stronger ultimatum as this is not just about him. This affects every single one of you surrounding him. You are most definitely not putting your children first here by sweeping this massive problem under the rug.

Your situation far from shitty - it's a first world problem at best. It sounds like you can afford therapy, so that should be your first port of call.

That said, I think it's right to try and address the problem. Much like people who eat too much or have a glass of wine every night, don't expect to snap your fingers and have this change overnight. However, given your ages, it is a problem that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later, given the associated health risks.

You have taken the right approach to calmly address this and not make any knee-jerk reactions or ultimatums. That said, the most important thing is to make sure he isn't doing any when driving. This isn't only risking his life but other people's and therefore completely unacceptable.

He takes Coke because he is addicted to it and addictions are very hard to break. Chances are he’s using much more frequently than you know and lying to you.

Now you have given an ultimatum you will be in an anxious state of watchful waiting for him to fail.

I really feel for you. I hope he can kick it but he needs to go to groups and get support from recovery services via his GP.

Does he ever keep drugs in the house?

Is he ever high when looking after your kids?

@ThatBlueShaker I feel that being so anal and judgemental towards you is ridiculous. You've spoken to your DH and explained how you feel. Giving up coke won't be easy and he'll need your support to help him quit.
As it's gone on so long and You've enabled him to do it he thinks it's normal behaviour, especially when his social circle all do it as well. Get in touch with a drug councillor as you will both need therapy to overcome his addiction
I love how ppl on here are so judgemental, I think it would be amazing to be so perfect!!
There is plenty of help out there and although it's not going to be easy for him at least he says he's going to try.
Set clear boundaries and a timescale for each step of his recovery.If he fails then unfortunately you have no other option than to walk away until he is clean.
Wishing you all the best x

I haven’t said it’s normal.

I am struggling with a lot in my life right now and it’s made me reflect on what I want for the next decade if my life. I’ve realised I’ve enabled an addict and I’m not just going to divorce him right now after spending 20 or so years saying that it’s fine and/or not being bothered by it.

I have recently had a miscarriage which I won’t go into details of nor do I want sympathy but it’s definitely affected me. Death of a long time friend. I am in counselling it’s all happened in the last 6 or so weeks , counselling is going to work that quick. 2025 has been a very shit year for me. My husband has been a safe haven through a lot of things that have happened this year.

I am a substance misuse practitioner. Recovery is possible and I’ve seen some brilliant outcomes. BUT the person has to want to recover, that is the first step. No one can do it for them. He has to want it and that might mean cutting off social circle and friends who do it. He has to want to make that sacrifice.

Lately I’ve been speaking to friends whose partners stopped doing coke and getting more insight into that. It’s made me want my husband to be sober. Then recently seeing him at the pub coked up just how he was acting I finally understood what he means by saying he feels as though “he can do anything” when he’s on coke

So this is not an out of the blue reaction to seeing him high last night. You have already starting asking for advice from those who have been there. The major issue is OP, this is not your problem to solve. It is your husbands. First he has to admit to there being a problem and has to want to deal with it.

You unfortunately need to brace yourself for a journey ahead now. Whichever fork in the road that is, it's going to be taxing and you need to figure out YOUR priorities.

I don’t need judgment.

I care about my children a lot, there’s a lot more nuance to this I’m not going to go into every single detail but be assured I care about just children. I’ve spoken to my husband about how I feel we’ve come to somewhat of an agreement.

I don’t have hatred for addicts it’s tough I’m married to one. In the past he’s opened up about stuff and used coke as a mechanism it’s not a healthy mechanism he’s even said that many many times.

Im not going to expect him to do this himself. I’ll support him and give him a chance. Same way I’d hope he’d support me if I developed an ED or a pain med addiction. Addiction comes in many ways and it can affect anyone I still very much care about him he’s the father of our kids I also care about my children.

No he’s not high when looking after our kids where in the original post does it say that ?

I don’t want him to fail !

He will be in contact with gp, he’s also got private health care through his work so we will see. I have details for some services near us so we are going to contact them today.

it’s why I’ve been up pretty much all night

As I said below i work within substance
misuse. The person has to want to recover- that is a first step.
first steps is to contact the community drug misuse service in your area. They can offer a structured approach to support in recovery. You can self refer. Google who the provider is. Commonly this may be change live grow (CGL).

As I said below i work within substance
misuse. The person has to want to recover- that is a first step.
first steps is to contact the community drug misuse service in your area. They can offer a structured approach to support in recovery. You can self refer. Google who the provider is. Commonly this may be change live grow (CGL).

He has admitted many times that he’s got an addiction and he says he’s a functioning addict he hates it. I think you’ve got the complete wrong idea but text is very hard to convey what a person is trying to say.

My DH was much like yours op. Works in an industry where use is totally normalised, took Coke recreationally. Very high functioning and it didn’t turn him into a total knob when he was on it, so whilst I didn’t like it, it predated me being in his life and I didn’t feel I could say anything about it. However during a period of high stress his use escalated. He lied to me about this for a long time, and it ended up causing huge issues for us indirectly. He got clean twice, then relapsed and lied about it twice before the final time which was two years ago. At that point he really did realise I would leave him if it carried on and he hasn’t taken drugs for two years now. The trust took a long time to come back but we are now in a good place.
he had taken drugs since he was 18 recreationally-and he was 47 two years ago when he stopped. He did it largely on his own, along side some counselling for other things, and tbh me checking up on him regularly which wasn’t fun for either of us. So it is possible but your DH needs to commit to it and really mean it.

Do you meet a lot of functioning addicts ?

It doesn’t clarify this in your Op, which is why I asked. You say he takes coke at work, which would give me the impression he may still have it in his system when he comes home to be with the kids.

I know he gets transport to work but does he have a car at all? Does he drive the kids anywhere?

And are there drugs in the house that the kids could end up finding?

Sorry I was not specific.

He doesn’t have meeting with important client everyday. It’s very normalised in his industry to do coke to help with anxiousness etc.

You will get alot of judgement on here as people of course have strong feelings re drug use. But in lots of industries and social settings it’s very rife and normalised and people can be loving partners and parents, excel at work, be in all other ways healthy and fine when using. In lots if respects it’s probably not as harmful as booze imo, though middle aged users are on a high way to heart attack and I do believe it’s abysmal for mental health. No judgment from me is what I’m trying to say. I think you are right to support him and give him a chance but be prepared for it to be hard work for both if you.

He needs to do it OP. Not we. 'We' here means that it is you who is going to be making the first step.

I apologize if you feel I have come across as judgemental. This was not my intention. I just have seen this situation personally. Similar circumstances, no financial issues and in the finance industry. And it was very much a case of the done thing and a lot of Keeping up with the Joneses. Lines just there on the table. It was just how blase it was, which was and just there in the open like it was the most normal thing ever.
So this is why I say you have a big journey ahead.

Of course you’re not wrong to give him a chance.

I have a family of addicts, my cousins, father, uncle, all drugs or booze. I think my dad (also a boarding school boy) suffered with social anxiety and self medicated in his high achieving job. He worked in an environment that meant everyone was boozing. My mum finally issued an ultimatum and he stopped. That was it, went to AA and never touched a drop. My cousin is dead early 50’s, another cousin is on the way out, uncle is also dead.

My school friend and her DH did loads of coke, he spiralled out of control, she never has.

Addiction is a tough master and you never now how hard it is. I do believe you owe him a chance, but I fear he may not be able to just stop, but seeking help is the right move.

Yes and No-
inevitably someone manages as “functioning” often for a long period but then is overcome by addiction and/or the side affects. He needs to cut off social circle where this is accepted to use. He probably needs to stop going out to places and events where he wants to use initially. I urge you to contact community teams

No not in the house he has no reason to have the drugs in the house.

We had this conversation especially because we have children. My husbands habit has never been a secret I’ve always known he’s always told me

I think your husband needs help and you need to be by his side as you are doing. You were aware of his habit and you have accepted it for so long that it would be a journey for him to rewire his brain and understand that despite him being functional you no longer want to accept his addiction. You have been together in this for so long, that it would be unfair to just give an ultimatum now that this is no longer working for you. I suspect also that he is probably a great dad and husband also because of cocaine as unfortunately for some high performing individuals it helps them keeping it all together, it might have been a way to self medicate deeper issues. I think you should approach this also with some couple therapy as well as this journey will affect both of you and you might discover that behind this perfect dad and man there’s a man full of anxiety or depressed that has never been able to fully express his real feelings. You are in this together and you will need to support him at least in this initial stage. Couple therapy will help you understand if this habit was also functional for you in so many ways that you don’t even imagine. No judgement here, you just have to be pragmatic and be behind him and support this initial phase of looking for help. See how motivated he is in wanting to stop and be kind to yourself.