Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

Several things I think you should keep in mind here, OP, in your unwavering support of your DH.

You say how much you love him, but you have never really known him, or at least seen him clearly, until now. You’ve observed how much he changes when using - but you don’t know what he is like without this addiction in his life. Be prepared that, if he does decide to get clean, he will be a different man from the one you think you love now.

You say you like his friends, who also use. He will have to stop seeing these people socially if he’s going to get clean. Your joint social life will change dramatically, and perhaps cease to exist all together, at least for a time. Be prepared for this.

You need to reconsider your view of him as a good father. He must have spent thousands, even tens of thousands, on drugs, over 22 years. This is money your family should have had access to. Has he also put away large sums of money to see your three children through university? Has he paid off your mortgage so that your children have a secure roof over their heads regardless of what happens in the future?

If you still have a mortgage, has he declared his drug addition to your life insurer so that they still pay out if (when) he has a heart attack or stroke and dies, so that you and his children are left with a home?

Has he properly considered how unbelievably stupid his actions are in using at work? He only needs to make an error of judgment in an important meeting while feeling he can ‘do anything’ and mess up for his company to be dismissed. Good luck getting another job after being sacked for being high at work.

None of this screams ‘amazing husband and father’ to me. I wonder why you have been so ready to excuse it all and not to see how much he changes under the influence until now? Coke users are incredibly obvious, boring and annoying. Have you been a user yourself up until recently, so that only now are you seeing the reality? It’s the only explanation I can see which would have lead to this epiphany, and your continued support and indulgence for him.

What is the problem ? 20 odd years and you have not said what are the negative consequences

You don’t think she’s making excuse after excuse for his drug taking?

Someone has probably said this already but in 22 years he hasn't tried to stop? He hasn't wanted to? If he hasn't I'm not sure that he will just because you have asked him to. He will just hide it better maybe? In a way I sort of get him doing coke in social situations but at a football match? In a pub with a few friends, it's hardly rave central. So it's not about giving him confidence, he just really likes it. That's his routine, out and about, do some coke. I sympathise OP, my partner is a functioning alcoholic, lovely bloke, I really love him but he isn't going to stop drinking and he will die because of alcohol. He has been a heavy drinker all his life, his friends and his family too. I have suggested he stop but there's no chance, I do think that if someone is addicted to something they have to want to change for it to happen.

It’s a completey normalised part of their life and friendship group, like a lot of people have with alcohol. She’s finally realised it needs to stop. And she’s trying to work out how to manage it. So it’s great she’s realised. He still hasnt, or maybe he has. She needs support.

If they're spending a lot of money on coke I guarantee you his friends won't stay 'very wealthy' for long. Their dealers will though.

He does coke socially, (possibly more as you say he's an addict). So you want him to stop or leave.

Presumably you can tell if he's been using or not so stick to your guns. If he does then boot him out.

If you don't then he probably won't stay clean. I mean he could relapse anyway with the best intentions. But if he's deleting dealers numbers, seeking help, going to NA etc, that's at least showing he's trying.

This 1000%. I get so so so fed up with people normalising illegal drug use when it in fact supports a whole criminal world including trafficking. It’s the very definition of spoilt western self-obsessive egotism.

Thank you for your bravery in raising this and reaching out for help. I did a lot of drugs in my teenage years and started down a bad path - coke was actually the most addictive for me and I found myself struggling to stop and taking it more and more often throughout the week. It is a (temporarily) wonderful feeling - but for me the crash afterwards was pretty awful and the financial cost of it all was difficult to maintain. I ended up quitting cold turkey - quit my job, dropped my friends and just resetting my entire life. Much easier at 20 than at 40 so you both have my full sympathy.

The issue is that he didn’t raise this as an issue and his entire social and work life is wrapped up in his drug addiction. It will be very, very difficult to quit in this scenario - particularly after more than 20 years of it. I’d ask him to add up what he spends on his habit each month - maybe as a financially minded person that will resonate with him. But unfortunately as long as he’s surrounded by his triggers and as long as his life isn’t dramatically different, it’s very unlikely that he could quit - particularly as he doesn’t actually want to, he would just be doing it because you asked.

Of course you know that all this is just leading to a tragedy at some point. Drug addicts don’t tend to live long lives. The worse case scenario of course is that he hurts someone else along the way.

How often are YOU using OP?

Why are you badgering the OP?

MN is a hard place to ask this question, as many MNers have little/no experience of coke use, coke users, and just how prevalent it is in our society.

Most MNers believe no one in their circle of friends uses any drugs ever, when the likelihood is that the friends who do use would never tell the MNer as they know they'll get the judgement back.

I can fully believe your DH is a good father and husband whilst also being a coke user. I know a few men who are. I know their wives feel like you used to.. I know the men work in industries where you'd be weird if you didn't have an occasional bump before a big meeting or a day/night out.

The "wasted money" is going into enjoying their own pleasures, just like other men spend a fortune on cycling/climbing etc, so I don't see that as a reason. Tbh, coke is a lot cheaper than the male sport obsessions regularly cited on this forum and doesn't take you away from the family as much.

If he does decide to stop using, then he's got a hard journey ahead getting clean. Sounds like his workplace and friendships are rife with other users.

Have you given yourself some hard lines about how you'll respond if he doesn't try to get clean? Are you ready to leave him over this? I think getting support for yourself is a great first step as you try to get your head around your thoughts now.

Wishing you all the best.

How often is her actually taking cocaine?

I have a number of friends who used cocaine recreationaly but regularly throughout our late teens, 20s and into our 30s. Two of them did spiral and start using more and more regularly and needed lots of support to get clean. Most just gradually stopped in their 30s as they became more health conscious.

I'm not sure I would get him to go to the GP as would he want that in his medical records. It sounds like you can afford private therapy for him you and as a couple.

I wish you both the best.

OP- I worked on a detox ward for almost 10 years and this post is spot on.

I am not going to repeat it as it covers pretty much everything but this man is not a "good husband/father" if he requires coke to make his life bearable. The only way he will stop is if he has reached a point where he has no choice but to stop. That is the nature of addiction.

That means - either you leave him or he will end up having a heart attack or a stroke which are very likely physical outcomes for men as they approach mid 40s after a life time of coke use.

Working in safeguarding in a high school I find this so insulting it is almost laughable:

I do feel for him his upbringing wasn’t the best, him and his siblings just dumped into single sex boarding schools and he just went wild had a bit too much fun and those habits carried on at university. The university we went to was pretty much mostly privately educated toffs I guess

You feel sorry for him as he had a very privileged upbringing and such a great time at school and university?

Op have you had therapy yourself for why you even considered the coke at your wedding and why that wasn't your line in the sand?

Well done for waking up. Now he needs to too. Presumably if he has money for drugs he has money to throw at the problem. Get signed up for a private clinic. Can he take leaves? Or go to GP and get signed off for a while? Getting off the junk and building his confidence to function without it should have house-on-fire type urgency. Good luck.

Please also consider that your husband, who has so many options in life, chooses to support a drug trade that makes life a nightmare for the people of the source countries in South America and other states.

Most MNers believe no one in their circle of friends uses any drugs ever, when the likelihood is that the friends who do use would never tell the MNer as they know they'll get the judgement back
I would say it is more likely that if drugs are your thing and on your scene you are much more likely to have friends who have the same lifestyle. If drugs are not on your radar, you are more likely to have friends who also don't use drugs. Because you and your friends use drugs doesn't mean everyone does.

I’m going to play devils advocate here, as I’m an ex cocaine addict. You say he’s doing it to help in social situations. You say he’s up at the crack of dawn. Is it possible that he has Adhd? at its core adhd is a a dopamine deficiency and cocaine food your system with dopamine hits, that’s what makes it so very addictive to neurodivergent/adhd people.

if you suspect he is, talk out through with him and get him a private diagnosis and medication. Better to be taking a LEGAL prescribed drug to manage his symptoms and even at £100 a month privately you are going to be £500-2000 a month better off by the subs of it. Do you even get how expensive it is?

The bigger concern right now is that he’s mixing cocaine and alcohol. That creates an incredibly toxic chemical called cocaethylyne . It’s psychoactive and very very damaging to the human body, and has been poisoning himself with it for two decades.

feel free to search my name and cocaine, I’ve commented on dozens of threads about addiction and I’m of the few addicts that’s spent decades in therapy trying to understood how my adhd/autism and trauma has created this disaster. I’m drug free and have been for years but still struggle with alcohol on and off. Not a full blown alcoholic but I often swing into Binge drinking and i do drink to much pretty much on a weekly basis. Is a constant effort and takes Herculean effort to overcome addiction. I know very few people that have successfully done it. The vast majority of addicts destroy their families, it’s just the time line that varies.

I will have a good guess at Finance.

@ThatBlueShaker if you aren’t seeing come downs then there is more to it . There will be lies as he will be secretly taking it .
Id go as far as to say he was up early snorted a line then away to the gym .
Addicts don’t just take it at social events , it’s part of their daily living .

I think you have been greatly naive.

I’m sure I read somewhere that it increases the chances of heart failure, Why would any dad do anything that would increase their chances of not being around for their children?

I stuck by my partner during his recovery and frankly if there’s a second relapse I’ll leave.

Considering you have children, I’d advise you to leave. It will either be his wake up call or you get a clean break from this life of misery. It’s fun until it isn’t (plus a sky high probably he’ll cheat or is cheating).

I know somebody who’s a residential children’s home manager who is a coke addict, It’s definitely not limited to the pinstripe brigade these days. It’s cheaper than a few pints down the local.

Your DH - such a great father and husband- actually supports the grooming and abuse of children caught up in county lines. You both need to own this. I could not be married to such a callous and cold hearted person.

I agree with all this. My neighbour years ago was a “high functioning addict” with family, house etc. whenever he spoke it…was…really…slowly. I have a son with dyslexia and soeech hesitancy & it was nothing like that. A friend of my husband’s has a bad stammer and often you have to be very patient and wait. My neighbour was nothing like that. He was just very slow and very annoying and I felt our having to wait around whilst his beffuddled mind worked his way through a sentence was a manifestation of his egotism, frankly. That’s even before getting onto the support for criminal activity in UK and abriad that his habit funded.