Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

My parents did, both stopped using coke but both still drink more than they should. So watch out for transferring addiction. Both drink to socially acceptable levels but unit wise it’s a problem

I actually like his friends and I don’t do coke. I think my husband does it because it boosts his confidence he feels likes he’s able to “do anything”. That’s how he described it to me today when we had a long conversation about it.

I've said to him that I want him to try get help properly he’s open to that.

Am I wrong for wanting to give him a chance at getting sober at least an attempt. This is the first time in the 22 years I’ve known him that I’ve ever said in bothered by it before I used to tell him it’s fine.

I remember reading about a doctor who used to avail himself of pharmaceutical morphine, but had a successful career and was well respected, and it only came to light when he revealed it himself at the end of his career. Point being the drug itself isn’t dangerous unless it’s abused. I think the ‘danger’ with addiction is as much to do with circumstances/environment. Given he’s functional in general and able to afford it without it significantly impacting his life currently, I suppose the question is do you want to take the risk that he’ll go off the rails if circumstances change, which could end up pretty badly for all concerned. From what I heard loads of people do coke, including the lawyers, financiers you mention, so many of them must be managing ok.

How long will it be before your children find out and think it is normal?

I couldn't stay with an so called adult that takes cocaine. Does he not give any fucks about the devastation his drug of choice causes across much of south and central america and all the innocent people who's lives are ruined because he wants his high. Your husband is scum of the earth, with no excuse of being young and stupid and not being aware. He is just a selfish cunt who doesn't care and I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him, let alone having him near my children

Fair enough I understand.

You said he took coke at work, does he drive to and from work?

If so, the addiction is already impacting his life. He’s not just socially into coke if he’s taking it to watch a football game. The behaviour is deeply ingrained and he will need a lot of help to overcome this addiction- more than he thinks. He probably isn’t taking it too seriously at the moment as he’s never tried to quit before, and so he probably thinks he can do it alone.

Op, if you haven’t done so already, your boundaries should include seeking outside help for the addiction immediately. It will be difficult for you both.

He took it at your wedding? Why did you say yes that's OK?

Op I’d suggest you seek support for yourself from Al-anon. This is something that you have normalised for a very long time but which is harmful to him and to your family.

It’s your decision to give him a chance. Personally I would ask him to leave and then if he does the work to overcome his addiction then consider reconciling. If you give him a year then spend that year preparing for a future alone. If he stops using then all well and good. If he doesn’t then you’re in the best position you can be

We are in SW London. He hates public transport to work

There's plans to do that.

I never really gave it a thought at the time I just wanted everyone to enjoy themselves

I don't think you're wrong to want to give him a chance, but 22 years is a long time. I can't even imagine the toll this has taken on him.

Like I said, both my husband and I took coke in our youth. It's an awful drug - it fools you into thinking you can take it any time without consequence, but it's not the case. It catches up with you and you feel horrendous.

Two of our friends had long term coke habits and sadly died (one suddenly, the other gradually due to health complications). Everyone thinks it'll never happen to them, until it does.

What has changed for you that means you suddenly have a problem with something he has done for 20 years?
Dont get me wrong, I completely agree with you. This shouldn’t be normalised. But I’m wondering why you now have an issue with something you never have before?
You say he is a different person after taking coke?

Would you be comfortable with your husband leaving you and taking the children/telling you to get out of the family home if you developed a long term issue - eg addiction to prescription painkillers beyond their term and sourcing them elsewhere, alcohol dependence etc, anorexia/bulimia? (And put to one side 'I'd never do that/it would never happen to me')..

Also - to be quite candid - I'm not sure Mumsnet is the best place to seek nuanced advice. The organisations listed in this support partners and families of addicts (for that is what your husband is) and may be a good first start in getting advice/support and relevant signposting - https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/

I was wondering this too. Is there something else going on?

It’s not just socially though - your wedding anniversary? Presume it’s just a celebration between you both?

He doesn’t know how to function without it, it’s that engrained. Did he have any on Christmas Day? New Year’s Eve?

Im the daughter of an addict (alcohol). My mum thought us kids didn’t know - we did. Addiction isn’t static either - you function until you don’t.

Its marked me and my siblings. Google adult children of addicts to see how it will affect them.

I hope he does change but if he doesn’t, you must follow through and leave him. For your children. My mum didn’t and I resent her hugely for it.

Seeing him last night is what’s changed. He’s fast asleep right now while I look at services to contact for myself. I’ve enabled him for over 20 years I’ve never said that I have an issue with it maybe if I had said something when we were 23/24 things would be different.

it’s also health wise, my children’s father is an addict I would like for him to live long enough to see them maybe even have their own children/start families or meet their partners etc.

Thanks …

I came here for some sort of support on my shitty situation not judgment

He says he feels more confident socially on coke and you describe him as totally functional on it with no after effects.
Yet this week you thought him as a totally different person when coked. Why? You don't sound unobservant. Has he started taking more? Mixing it with something else?

I assume he's got a very well paid job if he can buy coke without you resenting the cost. Is his employer OK about their staff snorting at work, so he needn't worry about losing his job?

That's not judgement, it's the truth. You need to face up to how serious this situation is and not bury your head in the sand as you have done for 20 years.

It will be extremely difficult and I doubt your husband wants to give up tbh. If he did he'd be begging you to help him. Unless he actually wants to give up, which by the sound of it he doesn't, he will continue to use.

Middle class addicts are still drug addicts, exactly the same as the ones who hang around on the streets. He'll find it as difficult to give up as they do.

I read your post and wondered why it's suddenly hit you too...

I don't know a lot about coke except my friend's husband (also met at uni and together a long time) was addicted and finally turned violent, which escalated gradually over a couple of years, even though they'd been together ages and even done coke together in their younger years (also a finance family) . They were a very well off family, such a lovely life and wonderful kids, but social services became involved when a child disclosed something at school. She finally left him when he beat her up so badly he broke her arm and ribs. I was fairly close to the family and I had no idea of the 'behind the scenes' as she hid it so well (makeup, 'accidents'). The family is utterly decimated now. Just reading your post has triggered all those sad memories and the absolute devastation to the children (witnessed violence, restraining order so they didn't see him at all very suddenly).

OP, it's so hard to face this so I do admire that - though I also wonder how you've been so detached that you didn't notice or care how different he is on it. Or is the difference a recent thing? And how is that difference showing itself?

I doubt he's going to give up because you've asked him to out of the blue. He wont stop after 20 years just like that. Change has to come from within. Imagine the money hes wasted. He could have done irreparable damage to his heart like young people I know who've just died unexpectedly, its awful. He's so, so selfish, its really terrible :-(

It’s not even been 24hrs since the conversation. He wants to, it’s not as if he’s spent all this time being happy about relying on coke. He’s opened up before about anxiety before. I’m not here to go in depth about my husbands issue I wanted somewhere to rant as I’m already very down.

I care about him, I love him and I’d like to at least try to support him at least give it a shot. If I developed an addiction to say for instance pain meds I’d like it if he supported me through it and at least gave me a chance or an eating disorder etc. Things happen in life in marriage and I’ve enabled his behaviour for some reason that I don’t think I’ll ever know. We’ve had different upbringing he went to an all boys boarding school where coke was so normalised.

FWIW I wouldn't go straight from being completely ok with it to leaving him. You're not the bad guy here at all, what he does is on him, but I think there would be something unfair about being actively supportive of it for twenty years and then immediately divorcing him over it (as some are suggesting you should), especially if he's as great as you say. I would want him to commit to stopping. And for you to realise that he might fuck that up, and then think about what you'll do if he does. But FWIW I would give him the chance to try and like PP I think professional advice would be better than MN.