Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

Do you allow him to drive you or your children within a couple of days of using cocaine?

Hi... just wanted to say i hope you manage to save him and your marriage.... drugs are not the best for us humans and addiction to anything is bad in the long run...
I truly wish you all the best
Xx

I think that’s the key here, the future. I had a friend who had a heart attack in his 40’s from drug use. It was his wake-up call. I’ve posted before about my family history.

I find MN very extreme and posts full of hyperbole that ignore real life. Always takes of disaster, never the it was all ok in the end. You’ve started the journey and you have no idea what it holds, no one does, you’re getting counselling, I think you’re doing everything you can right now.

I wish you and your DH luck.

IRL you don't keep a cokehead around you for 20 years, or expose your DC to or normalise drug addiction.

This is so well said.

I have known many ex-addicts, and it really can be done.

Wishing you and your DH all the very best on this journey 💐

I think the evidence is against you on that

Such as?

I find MN very extreme and posts full of hyperbole that ignore real life.

That minimises and diminishes the real life trauma that partners of addicts have been posting about on here. There certainly have been some judgemental comments but you can’t tell from them what the personal experience of the poster is. What you can and surely should acknowledge is the heartfelt accounts from people who have been directly involved with addicts. That is not hyperbole.

Posters want the OP to understand the realities that they have been through and to explain and to warn. Possibly it’s only after you have been through this that you can understand that what you were told about was actually true, but nevertheless what’s on this thread is a record of harm suffered and endured by families of addicts.

In YOUR real life.

I suspect the DH here never started as a cokehead, and wouldn't have describe himself as addicted 20 years ago.

The DC wouldn't be exposed directly, as this happened at work or nights out. This makes it easier to tolerate in family life, as it happens outside the home.

Coke is normalised in an awful lot of lives and professions. I've read threads on here in the past where headteachers, mortgage brokers, solicitors, policeman, nurses, doctors, vets are cited as users. On this thread, a residential children's home manager is cited as a user.

The lobster not knowing they're boiling in the pot springs to mind.

We all have different real lives, and @ThatBlueShaker is trying to share the shades of grey in hers in looking for support.

Yes, I am aware of this. A real reason there's so much incompetence and lack of compassion in the system, when health and education service workers are coked up!

All the cokeheads I have ever come across are soulless. No excuse to use it as an excuse to damage innocent lives here and abroad. Where is the fucking accountability?

How are you doing OP?