Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

Of course you're not wrong for wanting to give him a chance at getting sober.

But you do need to be realistic about what that will involve.
It's a loooooongggg journey from him hearing you say that you want him to stop taking coke, to him wanting to stop taking coke...
and an even longer journey from him wanting to stop taking coke to him even beginning to stop taking coke....
and an equally long journey from him stopping taking coke to him being actively sober....
and once he is sober, he will almost have certainly have relapses, because relapses are part of recovering from addictions.

As others have said, you can't do this for him.
You need your own plan for how to manage yourself and the children, and for how you will set your boundaries about his future behaviour. Whatever you have tolerated in the past doesn't matter now that you have changed your mind about it.

Good luck!

Where does he keep his stash or is he just literally scoring on the go?

Absolutely this, and I’ll go a bit further: when in recovery I had to relearn DH, because alot of the things I liked about him in terms of energy and I guess the fun side of him socially were derived from coke to some degree (for him it enhanced his personality when it was being used in a for him manageable way to a degree that I hadn’t realised). When he stopped it was a bit of a switch down in terms of how he was socially and I had to sort of get to know a different dh to the one I was used to. Our lives are much quieter now which is fine but it took a bit of time for me to get used to it, as in our old life that level of fun was normal to me and being done without drugs. I would happily be up all night at a festival or chatting to someone happily in the pub whilst sober, so could have carried on like that, whereas for dh, without the drugs it became more difficult and that was actually an extra testing element to the whole thing.

You can dial up and get it like deliveroo.

What has caused the change in your view of it?

Do you know how much his habit costs in financial terms? For each time he buys, per week, month, year? Multiplied by all the years he’s used?
It will add up to many thousands-
That is all money that has not been available to use for you and your children
Add into that the cost of him not being truly present while under the influence of drugs
That is not a good father or partner

I think you have been very brave by challenging what is normal for you and your family in this way, especially given you say there haven’t been any negative affects on you all. It would be so much easier in that position to ignore it and just let him carry on. So well done for speaking up and telling him that this is no longer ok. Just because you have told him it wasn’t a problem in the past, doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem now. I saw you mention your brother is 10 years sober. I wonder if you’ve spent your whole life around people who were addicts, so this skewed your perception of what is and isn’t normal.

Others on here are right though - your husband needs to want to change. You asking him to stop or get help might not be the push he needs. He could decide to just get more secretive with it. Definitely look into what support is available to you as well as him.

People on here are understandably concerned about your children. What would happen if they found some of his cocaine at home by accident? What would he do if he had taken cocaine and then there was an emergency that meant one of your children needed driving somewhere immediately? Would he go ahead and drive them whilst high? Or would precious time be wasted whilst he tries to find an alternative? Is he ever alone with the kids? For some reason, although you didn’t say it, I kind of got the feeling that maybe you are always there with the kids. If that is the case, maybe subconsciously you have always felt unsafe leaving your children alone with an addict. If he does have the kids alone, ask yourself this - would you hire a babysitter/childminder/nanny (that you KNEW took cocaine regularly) to look after your children? If not, why are you ok with your husband doing this?

I do wish you luck and I hope your husband is able and willing to give up the drugs for you.

If hes not having come downs I'd wager that he's either using a lot more frequently than you're aware of, or he's using other substances alongside.

I get that you love him, you want to support him, that's fine. But you need to change the narrative. You can hide behind the good husband/good father trope, but does a good father do a line of coke to get through an afternoon with his own kids? How much family money is he shoving up his nose on a daily/weekly/monthly/yearly basis? It sounds like you're probably not a low income family, but thats still money that could be providing your children with experiences or preparing for their future.

This. Well said @DecafSoyaLatteExtraShotPlease

You've consented and condoned it for over 20 years OP.

The moment my partner touched drugs he'd be gone and you've got kids too.

You can't say you both are good parents when you both allow drugs around them.
It's disgusting really.

He won't stop. He'll either just not believe you or lie about consumption.

Good luck.

Sorry OP but someone who takes drugs on a regular basis is not an ‘amazing dad’

How much is he using a week on average OP?

You’re giving mixed messages, OP.

You don’t want to give up on 22 years.

Yet you’ve given an ultimatum.

Which is it? The ultimatum means you walk if he doesn’t stop. It sounds like you won’t walk away.

You’re part of the problem as you accept this shitty behaviour which makes him a a shitty dad, husband, human. This has to be a deal breaker now for your relationship. Your kids could start taking it.

Sorry but he is not a good dad at all. He has a substance addiction!!
You cannot be a ‘fantastic’ parent and have a substance addiction. Not only is it terrible for your health - you have people depending on you when you’re a parent; it’s also a dire example of what’s acceptable. It sounds like you’ve also bought this narrative actually having been with him so long. I’d never tolerate this and definitely not if there were kids around in life. You’ve done the right thing; he needs help. X

How much longer will it be OP before one of your children finds his stash and experiments?
Is your DH driving when he is ‘high’?
Take a moment to reflect on both these questions and imagine the devastation and heartbreak when something tragic happens!

I just want to give you some sympathy.
It will be hard for him to give up as he has a physical and social addiction, but people do do it. He may need in patient care. And there will likely be relapses. He's likely to need time off work.
Having a slightly similar experience with a partner (different drug) I'd say that you will need a lot of patience and you need to agree to complete honesty with him. If you're staying together he needs to be able to tell you when he's relapsed, how much he's taking, how he's tapering down etc.
While he's coming off it he'll have physical and mental symptoms and you will be left picking up the slack at home. He'll need therapy and you will also need to work out how to look after yourself as a temporary carer. It sounds like you have plenty of financial resources so I'd really use them for this.
Good luck xxx

I really hope he is serious about quitting but I guess it will be very difficult if his circle of friends and colleagues all use.
If he is serious then he could do the 28 day ATC (addiction treatment program) at The Priory. It is an intensive inpatient program and life changing for those committed to change. I was on the same MH ward as those on the program and it was incredible to see the change in them over the course of the program.
Good luck OP

I don’t know anything about substance misuse but it sounds to me as if your husband’s addiction is quite socially mediated if that makes sense. I wonder if that is potentially hopeful.

I think you’re right in what you’re doing, but would reframe it not as you ‘giving him a chance’ but you being honest about how you want YOUR life and the life of your children to be. And getting support for yourself seems right too. I think given how close you are, that should be powerful for him, but more importantly, you.

Id be thinking practically. I believe you that he’s a great dad and that your children don’t see it - yet. But I also think that children learn from their parents. The first day your child comes home high and tells you ‘well, dad does it’ would half kill me. This needs to stop being part of their lives. And the other thing would be life insurance/savings. I doubt he’s honestly insurable right now but I’d check any policy in place for life insurance or death-in-service benefit, and see what he is risking for you all. Prioritise savings that he doesn’t have easy access to.

First stop is you need to get support for yourself because if he does or doesn’t kick his addiction, it will be hell either way. Talk to your brother, if he is close to you and your H he might already suspect.

It’s not just white powder, it’s a crutch, it’s his mistress who always understands, it’s an escape. So when you ask him to quit, you are asking to give up all that. The dynamic of your relationship up to now is you condoning his usage, that has now changed. Coke has never asked him to choose and in the battle for his loyalty, your demand of him will count against you.

If and it’s a big if, he does kick his addiction, the man he will become is not the man he is now minus the coke. Sobriety is a life long commitment and if his environment is coke then that will have to change; friends, hobbies, job, industry etc. Addicts will always choose the path of least resistance; lies, evasion, manipulation, gas lighting and given you’ve condoned his usage for so long, he will do his very best to return to that status quo.

I think you have done the right thing by confronting his addiction but by doing so hells gate has been opened and the life you’ve lauded in your original post will be changed forever and in many ways, not for the better. Integrity is not without sacrifice.

Good luck and please for the love of god, don’t try to do this alone. You need the support of professionals and that may mean resisting pressure to keep your H’s secret. Addiction thrives in the dark.

@ThatBlueShaker sending hugs, i think people are being very black and white. Your needs are changing and he is open to discussing this, no one is perfect and there will be bumps in the road but hopefully you can get to a place together that you are both happy with in time, of course you want to try and make this work just like as you said you would expect him to help you, you are supporting him, Best of luck ❤️

It sounds like he is using coke to manage his social anxiety, I would ask him to seek a professional therapist and get to the root of why he needs to use coke as a coping strategy. What is making him anxious? And really explore how it started and what he feels before he takes it. What happens after.

He absolutely can kick the habit. Cancel for now all social occasions or events he feel he needs take Coke. Go into counselling. He needs to acquire a tool kit that can be used. He will learn ways to manage his stress, with support. Then you reintroduce very slowly and carefully a small social life. He leaves the minute he feels he needs to etc.

His recovery needs to be prioritised. I can see why you love him and are willing to support him. He is probably very successful, but it is costing him a great deal to keep up with his own life.

Aoproach him with empathy and kindness op. Be serious about supporting him to really address the root cause. Be willing to sacrifice what you need to, he must not be compromised. Keep talking and ask him to do the same. Be non judgemental and open to his view. No one chooses this for themselves, it will be covering some kind of pain and trauma, or GAD. All the best.

‘Be willing to sacrifice what you need to’ - honestly @Blizzardofleaves what does that mean? I would say the opposite tbh, it’s time to set boundaries.

I think you are getting a lot of ‘set’ replies. Like the one saying he puts coke above everything. But he hasn’t, has he? He’s been a very present H and Father, a good father and H and a provider for the family too. Until now, you have been ok with the coke habit, presumably as it has not negatively affected any of you.

people can get over addictions, but don’t expect t this to be an easy thing for him to do. Especially when he has hardly hit rock bottom due to it.