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Original poster

Friend crossing boundary with husband?

203 replies

xxCharlottexx · 30/12/2025 14:16

I’m looking for opinions and advice please xx

So I’ve recently got back in touch with an old friend after falling out for 7/8 years, Literaly not speaking at all. She’s recently split from her husband and is living back at home with their 4 children. She’s the 1 who reached out.

She’s been round the house a fair few times recently and she seemed to hit it off with my husband quite well. They’re both ‘gym goers’ so that seems to be their common interest.

Anyway, now it seems like she’s messaging him a lot privately on social media. It was just memes to start with, but now she’s constantly asking for ‘gym advice’, ‘what to eat, what exercises to do’ etc.

I’ve seen the messages and they are quite flirty, little love heart emojis, kisses etc. It seems fine from my husbands end as his messages are quite blunt, and sometimes even ignores them when she’s trying to carry on the conversation. She likes every post / story he puts up and comments privately on them.

I feel it’s a little bit much, but I don’t know whether I’m just being paranoid or not? My husband says he’s just being polite by messaging back.

We recently had a night out in town where my husband a few friends met us later in the night. She was taking loads of photos of them both together ( we both agreed it was a bit weird ) and then sent like 10 photos to him privately the next day. It Literaly looked like they were a couple as she had her arm round him with the biggest smile on her face.

I haven’t seen her in person since then and I’ve deliberately said I’ve been busy to avoid meeting her. But i obviously can’t ignore her forever. Should I just tell her that I feel it’s crossing my boundary as a friend? Or maybe just go for the cowards way out and get my husband to block her, then pretend he deleted his account. I really don’t like confrontation but feel I should say something.

OP posts:
shuggles · 31/12/2025 11:24

@Alwaysalert Oh yes, I have met plenty/observed plenty more women, who would take a friendly smile from a man as an invitation to take her out/have a shag. Some women are delusional, some predatory and some just plain desperate as they seem unable to get or keep a boyfriend/partner/husband of their own, so all bets off and solidarity so out of vogue.

I'm not sure where you developed this perspective, but I can assure you that this does not reflect reality.

From experience, I know that women don't just throw themselves at any man.

Alwaysalert · 31/12/2025 13:35

MsDogLady · 31/12/2025 07:57

@xxCharlottexx, the toxic actions of this woman are way beyond your description of ‘weird’. They are calculated and malicious.

She is decidedly not your friend or a friend of your marriage. She has an agenda to pursue and snare your Husband, and couldn’t care less about stabbing you in the back. She feels entitled to make these moves and he is allowing it. His blaming his porous boundaries on ‘I’m just being polite’ and ‘I was drunk’ do not cut it.

My H would have nipped her advances pronto. By not definitively shutting her down, your H has enabled and fueled her. She sees that he is entertaining her frequent flirty messages featuring hearts and kisses and flattering requests for his advice about their common interests. He has shown her (and you and others) that he is open to her marathon hugs and cozy ‘just-us’ selfies and SM stories. Instead of being put-off and angry at her disrespect to you both, he is clearly boosted by her infatuation and attention.

Please don’t diminish yourself by continuing to speak to and meet up with this devious individual who is actively trying to harm your marriage. H needs to send her a clear message that he is uncomfortable with the contact and then you both need to block her.

MsDogLady
re. situation with @xxCharlottexx, everything you have said is true and more. It is a total lack of respect from the vile interloper to OP and her DH. When I was much, much younger, I and my elder sister were constantly told by men, and some women, that we were absolutely at the top of attractiveness - at this time, I had a serious relationship, got engaged and then married him so was not interested in anyone else, but the amount of men including those who knew me or him, or both of us, and who were constantly pestering for dates or "just to have a drink" by men we knew was ridiculous. I did not feel flattered at all by those men - the exact opposite - as to me knowing I was in a relationship and engaged, and then still asking me out, was totally disrespectful to me, and showed what they thought of my morals. Total disrespect for my bf/fiance as most of the men in the town knew him and would not have dared to disrespect him in person. I never told him as he would have gone and physically assaulted them. The so called friend is totally out of order and disrespecting them both. Cut her loose and send her on her way with a large flea in her ear. The DH should have distanced himself at the first hint she had her sights set on him, which seems from the moment she met him. Who needs enemies with "friends" like that.

chunkyBoo · 31/12/2025 13:49

@xxCharlottexx- she’s asked him to come and do
somehjng in her house …. Sounds like her predatory approach to lure him in and strike!

Original poster
xxCharlottexx · 31/12/2025 13:58

Something I forgot to say about the night when she was taking photos etc. I saw her grab my husbands hand in one of the bars, and squeeze it for a few seconds. He instantly pulled away and carried on talking to his friend. I don’t think she knew that I saw her. I didn’t say anything to her at the time because I wanted to speak to my husband first and see whether she had done anything else throughout the night. He said she hadn’t, and was just being really friendly.

OP posts:
Alwaysalert · 31/12/2025 13:59

BunnyMcDougall · 30/12/2025 18:10

She wants help with stretching. Her fanny. With his penis.

Show quote history

OMG I nearly wet my pants laughing. Thanks for cheering me up.

Alwaysalert · 31/12/2025 14:09

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 30/12/2025 16:42

Suggested message from him:

Hi, I need to ask you to stop sending me private messages. You’re an acquaintance of my wife, and the tone of your messages is inappropriate and disrespectful. I’m happily married and not interested in continuing private contact.

Good post.

Blondiebeach · 31/12/2025 14:31

I had a "friend" who was a bit like this. As soon as her marriage ended, she started hitting on friends husbands. At least two of them shagged her. One of them was MY (then) husband. I found out by snooping on his phone when he was passed out drunk. I ditched them both. I am now married to someone else, and if I ever encountered a woman like this again, I would have no hesitation to go No Contact instantly. I trust my DH completely, but I have NO TIME for bullshit like this. Get rid of her, you owe her nothing.

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 31/12/2025 14:31

xxCharlottexx · 31/12/2025 08:16

I’ve literally just caught up. Thank you so much for all the comments.

So she’s been trying to wrangle her way into my friendship group since we’ve been back in touch. She’s had a couple of nights out with us and none of them like her. They’ve all said she gives off a bad vibe / doesn’t seem trustworthy. So it was getting awkward anyway with her trying to gate crash everything.

You are all right. My husband is going to block her and I’m just going to try and distance myself from her.

She messaged him again yesterday asking if he could come and sort an issue out at her house ( he’s a builder ). I’ve told him to tell her he’s just too busy. Strange thing is, when we were friends back in the day, she used to use someone else.

When I first read your thread I thought "Oh hello - it won't be long before she starts asking for manly help with jobs around her house" and bingo. Here we are.

Blondiebeach · 31/12/2025 14:34

Oh and just to add, with regard to the other husband she shagged, that all started with her asking him over to do little jobs at the house. Stupid things though, like hang a small picture. I mean, FGS, you only have to bang a nail in the wall. He certainly was banging a nail in, and it wasn't the wall. They had sex loads of times, and as far as I know that wife has no idea, because they are still together, and this was about 17 years ago.

EarthSight · 31/12/2025 14:37

I have to wonder why she got back in touch with you after so many years. Do you think she could have seen photos of you and your husband on social media, and her intention all along was to meet him rather than be friends with you?

Your husband doesn't owe her anything. He's been polite and helpful so far. I can understand he wouldn't want the awkwardness, but at this point he should ignore messages from her on a permanent basis and let her get bored & move onto someone else. He can do a slow fade, but it doesn't go on for too long.

The problem with blocking or confronting her in a more clear, direct manner is that women like her love the drama of it. It's kind of like being a mini-celebrity for them and gives them something to gossip and make a fuss about. It will make it look like there was something going on between them and that he's blocked her because he's simply too attracted to her, or such nonsense.

TwistedWonder · 31/12/2025 14:47

Sounds like your DH knows she’s a predator but either likes a bit of attention or brushes it off to keep the peace.

Tbh I wouldn’t even be subtle about blowing her off. I would block her, get DH to also block her and I’d make sure my friends knew why.

Women like her are toxic and complete penis panderers - she’ll drag your circle find because she thinks the world revolves around her

CinnamonBuns67 · 31/12/2025 15:02

Ditch her, a mate doesn't behave that way. I'd expect him to do the same.

GentlemanJay · 31/12/2025 15:04

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 30/12/2025 14:17

Take her to fuck off and get back out of touch.

Tell you your dh to talk gym with dave and John.

This.

Tigerbalmshark · 31/12/2025 15:15

But i obviously can’t ignore her forever

You literally can! And I would. If you must say something, just say “since you got back in touch, I've realised we don’t actually have much in common any more. But wish you all the best!” then block.

chillidoritto · 31/12/2025 15:21

How did she react when your husband said he couldn’t go round?

GlitzAndGigglesx · 31/12/2025 15:23

I'd be inclined to ask him to block her then see how keen she is to speak to you. I imagine her contact will be very minimal with you, if any.

Tigerbalmshark · 31/12/2025 15:24

shuggles · 31/12/2025 11:24

@Alwaysalert Oh yes, I have met plenty/observed plenty more women, who would take a friendly smile from a man as an invitation to take her out/have a shag. Some women are delusional, some predatory and some just plain desperate as they seem unable to get or keep a boyfriend/partner/husband of their own, so all bets off and solidarity so out of vogue.

I'm not sure where you developed this perspective, but I can assure you that this does not reflect reality.

From experience, I know that women don't just throw themselves at any man.

Some do! Thankfully a tiny minority, but they do exist. They want the ego boost of knowing they could “steal” somebody else’s boyfriend/husband. Then once they have shagged them and “proved themselves”, they move onto the next attached male. It’s not about the men at all, it’s about getting one over on the woman. I’m sure a psychologist would have a field day.

HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 31/12/2025 15:53

xxCharlottexx · 31/12/2025 13:58

Something I forgot to say about the night when she was taking photos etc. I saw her grab my husbands hand in one of the bars, and squeeze it for a few seconds. He instantly pulled away and carried on talking to his friend. I don’t think she knew that I saw her. I didn’t say anything to her at the time because I wanted to speak to my husband first and see whether she had done anything else throughout the night. He said she hadn’t, and was just being really friendly.

Edited

Think you're starting with a DH problem too if he's excusing it as being friendly.

He obviously enjoys it if he isn't blocking her.

Original poster
xxCharlottexx · 31/12/2025 20:47

chillidoritto · 31/12/2025 15:21

How did she react when your husband said he couldn’t go round?

sent like a beggy message back saying she’d pay him ‘whatever’ and to please atleast add her to his ‘cancellation list’. I think he just ignored it.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/12/2025 20:51

Sod the friendship. It’s done

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 31/12/2025 23:50

xxCharlottexx · 31/12/2025 20:47

sent like a beggy message back saying she’d pay him ‘whatever’ and to please atleast add her to his ‘cancellation list’. I think he just ignored it.

Show quote history

So she said she'd pay him 'whatever', did she?

Well first off, you would naturally expect to pay a tradesperson to do work in your house so why would she need to say that and secondly, 'whatever' sounds rather like she'll 'pay' him in whatever way he wants. Bloody hell. Blatant or what?

LAMPS1 · 01/01/2026 06:55

She will now start painting him in a bad light as rude tradesman. And then turn herself into a victim of your wild imagination, saying she was just being her friendly self…as if she would ever do that to a friend.

Always best to get your own clear simple decisive (evidence based) message in
first OP, especially with someone you can’t trust where you have nothing to lose.

Pessismistic · 01/01/2026 11:34

xxCharlottexx · 31/12/2025 13:58

Something I forgot to say about the night when she was taking photos etc. I saw her grab my husbands hand in one of the bars, and squeeze it for a few seconds. He instantly pulled away and carried on talking to his friend. I don’t think she knew that I saw her. I didn’t say anything to her at the time because I wanted to speak to my husband first and see whether she had done anything else throughout the night. He said she hadn’t, and was just being really friendly.

Edited

Op she wasn’t being friendly would your dh think this if his male friend kept messaging you then held your hand? I don’t think so. I think you need to tell her straight you don’t want her in your life she’s not really interested in you so you tell her to fuck off you don’t owe her any loyalty or respect she’s coming on to your dh in front of you.

CountryGirlInTheCity · 01/01/2026 12:08

Honestly I think it needs decisive, direct action, none of the polite excuses and it needs to come from your DH.

My DH had this with a woman from work years ago. The first flirtatious attempt he ignored, the second time he shut it down and told me that evening and the third time she tried to get him to go for a drink with her after work he said absolutely not, I’m v happily married and not interested. Again, told me in the evening and said he thought he’d been clear enough but was willing to be firmer if he needed to. It stopped after that.

Your DH needs to stop with the ‘I’m busy’ stuff and be direct: ‘No I won’t come round because your behaviour indicates that you’re after more than house repairs. You’ve already been inappropriate and you know you have. Charlotte and I have talked about it already. I’m not interested and I won’t be responding to your messages anymore. You also owe Charlotte an apology as she’s supposed to be your friend.’ The end!

Letsbeeavenue · 01/01/2026 12:19

She needs to be out of your lives immediately.
Force her to make the move, having come to her own conclusion.
Exclude her. Make arrangements to meet up with others in the group (who clearly don’t like her). Ensure she knows she’s deliberately not been included. Keep doing it. I know it’s childish and mean but she’s trying to destroy you and your marriage.
Devalue her. In front of her tell another friend how much you appreciate them. She should reflect on how little you think of her and want to avoid the embarrassment.
If all else fails. We once encountered a similarly persistent indomitable woman with the same intention on a group holiday so had an intense few weeks of it. One concentrated, contemptuous, hateful sneer reduced her to a puddle.
I wouldn’t worry about her harming your husband’s reputation. She’s established hers and it isn’t good.