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Original poster

Friend crossing boundary with husband?

203 replies

xxCharlottexx · 30/12/2025 14:16

I’m looking for opinions and advice please xx

So I’ve recently got back in touch with an old friend after falling out for 7/8 years, Literaly not speaking at all. She’s recently split from her husband and is living back at home with their 4 children. She’s the 1 who reached out.

She’s been round the house a fair few times recently and she seemed to hit it off with my husband quite well. They’re both ‘gym goers’ so that seems to be their common interest.

Anyway, now it seems like she’s messaging him a lot privately on social media. It was just memes to start with, but now she’s constantly asking for ‘gym advice’, ‘what to eat, what exercises to do’ etc.

I’ve seen the messages and they are quite flirty, little love heart emojis, kisses etc. It seems fine from my husbands end as his messages are quite blunt, and sometimes even ignores them when she’s trying to carry on the conversation. She likes every post / story he puts up and comments privately on them.

I feel it’s a little bit much, but I don’t know whether I’m just being paranoid or not? My husband says he’s just being polite by messaging back.

We recently had a night out in town where my husband a few friends met us later in the night. She was taking loads of photos of them both together ( we both agreed it was a bit weird ) and then sent like 10 photos to him privately the next day. It Literaly looked like they were a couple as she had her arm round him with the biggest smile on her face.

I haven’t seen her in person since then and I’ve deliberately said I’ve been busy to avoid meeting her. But i obviously can’t ignore her forever. Should I just tell her that I feel it’s crossing my boundary as a friend? Or maybe just go for the cowards way out and get my husband to block her, then pretend he deleted his account. I really don’t like confrontation but feel I should say something.

OP posts:
Notquitethetruth · 30/12/2025 15:09

Her mother finds your husband attractive??? Those are her words not her mother's.
You should both block her and have nothing more to do with her. Her behaviour is inappropriate and disrespectful. She's not a friend.
Why did she split with her husband?

goldhearts · 30/12/2025 15:11

I wonder if she was in contact with your dh before she got back in touch with you? So you don’t see what’s in plain sight.

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 15:11

SmileyMoonset · 30/12/2025 14:35

As you are both uncomfortable with her behaviour this is really easy to fix.

Your DH needs to say a straightforward “no” to inappropriate requests like going her gym.

He should block her from private messaging him.

You should no longer invite her to your home, or let her drop in.

Personally I’d stop seeing her at all, but at the very least you should limit it to nights out your DH isn’t on.

She appears to be either deliberately trying to cause trouble or have no idea about appropriate and respectful boundaries - so not someone I’d want to spend time with.

However you both need to grow a backbone:

1)Why on earth did he allow her to take some many selfies with her arm round him - he could have shut that down after the first one.

  1. You need to learn how to deal with conflict. It’s a basic adult skill and you need to acquire it so that you can model good conflict resolution skills to your children. Not liking conflict isn’t the mark of a “nice person”, it’s the mark of a doormat.
Edited
Show quote history

not liking conflict destroyed my marriage and ruined my life entirely

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2025 15:15

Me and my husband both have friends of the opposite sex, go out with them for meals / hobbies etc. Your friend is being completely inappropriate. If she genuinely wanted gym advice she would ask someone at her gym, get a personal trainer, or find advice on tiktok / YouTube etc for free. Unless your husband is a PT or similar but even then, private messaging him for freebies, taking loads of pictures etc is completely inappropriate for a recent friendship.

I agree there is no point speaking to her about it, I doubt very much she will see the error of her ways and back off. She is more likely to tell people you are paranoid, tell you she was just being friendly, you've over reacted, you should be glad she gets on well with him, why are you looking to stop her / him being friends etc.

Your husband however should see that by responding at all, she is taking it as encouragement. You need to distance yourself from her, and he needs to block her. How would he feel if you didn't shut down someone obviously hitting on you, out of politeness? Why does someone who is trying to do something so nasty to you, deserve such a courtesy?

HitchinNudists · 30/12/2025 15:15

Its not that she fancies your husband as such; she's just envious of your happiness with him. I'd quietly end your rekindled friendship with her and tell hubby to ignore her messages. She sounds like trouble.

Mrsknowitall · 30/12/2025 15:19

Just message her saying “hi, can you stop messaging my dh as it’s making him feel uncomfortable that you message him more than you actually message me”
did she send you photos of the 2 of you on your night out and does she like and loveheart all of your messages? Or is it just your husband she’s doing it to?

Mrsknowitall · 30/12/2025 15:22

xxCharlottexx · 30/12/2025 14:44

So my husband was a little drunk when she was taking the photos. Not that it’s an excuse for him. Literaly like 8 of them are the same and there’s a couple of others. She also put up 2 stories with just them in the photo which I thought was very weird. Oh and then she went on to tell me her mum finds my husband attractive and was talking about how muscly etc he was.

Her mum absolutely did not say that, she is telling you what she actually thinks and disguising it by using her mum, you need to be brutal here and tell her to fuck right off, she is actively pursuing your husband

SmileyMoonset · 30/12/2025 15:24

LucyLoo1972 · 30/12/2025 15:11

not liking conflict destroyed my marriage and ruined my life entirely

Show quote history

I’m so sorry to hear that Lucy I hope things are improving for you.

I find it quite worrying, the number of people, women especially, who grow up without learning how to manage small disagreements, differences of opinions and minor arguments.

It often means that they end up either putting up with terrible behaviour; walking away from relationships unnecessarily or exploding after holding it all in for years.

There does seem to be a feeling that “nice people” don’t argue, don’t make a fuss. It’s such a flawed position.

liamharha · 30/12/2025 15:26

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 30/12/2025 14:17

Take her to fuck off and get back out of touch.

Tell you your dh to talk gym with dave and John.

This 💯

CyclopsElf · 30/12/2025 15:26

I would get out of touch with her again.

She was a pain in the arse last time and she's being a pain in the arse this time.

She brings nothing but drama to your life. Get her out of it before she comes between you and your DH.

noidea69 · 30/12/2025 15:26

He likes the attention.

liamharha · 30/12/2025 15:28

She's looking for a who boost from your husband at your expense .
She wants what you have .

Bc87 · 30/12/2025 15:29

This does not seem normal to me at all 🤔

NewDogOwner · 30/12/2025 15:34

Get her to fuck. She is not your friend. Tell your husband to block her.

Betty91 · 30/12/2025 15:34

She's not your friend.

Makingadecision · 30/12/2025 15:34

Do not trust her.
lose touch with her and make sure your husband does too
This sounds like a power trip tbh with her wanting to show she is more attractive to your husband. Does she feel inferior to you ?

AnonAnonmystery · 30/12/2025 15:35

ThatCyanCat · 30/12/2025 15:03

It doesn't really matter what you do, it matters what your husband does. And what he should do is cut this off, firmly. If he doesn't, you have a problem.

Exactly this.

StopBothering · 30/12/2025 15:35

Your husband needs to be very candid with her:

"Mavis, I am asking you never to contact me again. Your messages and behaviour have crossed a boundary. To be clear, I will not be leaving my wife for you or engaging in an affair with you. I will not be responding to any messages from you, and I do not wish to continue a friendship with you".

Then block once she's read it.

And don't give a fuck what anyone else might think should they get wind of this (Mavis may kick up a stink). It will be last week's news very quickly.

To any comments from folk in your life who bring it up, OP " I don't wish to go into specifics, and it's now been dealt with as Jimmy and I felt we needed to nip the situation in the bud" - then change the subject.

There can be no room for ambiguity. People like this woman will find any crinkle in the armour and try to rip it open. It needs to be an extremely to-the-point message, with no room for doubt, that your husband needs to send.

IGNORE any protestations from this woman, or anyone else, that you or your husband have over-reacted.

Charlenedickens · 30/12/2025 15:36

Dont act like it's a comp. Your husband needs to deal with this as he's the one she's targetting. He needs to ignore her. One word responses every two or three days. She's not your friens

Whowhenwhat · 30/12/2025 15:36

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 30/12/2025 14:50

Your husband needs to put a stop to this - unless he’s enjoying the ego boost…

Absolutely this. He has no respect for you or himself if he's tolerating this shot from her. You have a husband problem

Cheesandcrackers · 30/12/2025 15:43

Assuming he is not hiding anything your husband is in a "damned if he does or doesn't" position. OP u need to take charge of this and don't expect your H to do the dirty job of getting rid of her. She is your "friend" after all.

skyeisthelimit · 30/12/2025 15:46

Your DH needs to ignore her and she will get the message. If she doesn't then you will both need to spell it out to her

Ladybridgerton25 · 30/12/2025 15:48

Nothing wrong with your husband asserting some boundaries here and backing off more. He needs to lack interest, so not reply to her messages occasionally, give simple blunt replies like he already is. Then just stop responding all together eventually or say that he’s really busy with family life and work etc and send over some PT recommendations. And no he’s not changing his gym because he goes to work out solo, so even if she was there he’d have his headphones as it’s HIS down time.

and yes you need to cut this woman off, the brass neck of her you don’t need someone like that in your life.

MightyGoldBear · 30/12/2025 15:51

I'd ignore her completely and end all contact. I'd be far more concerned with why my husband didn't immediately shut it down. He'd not be concerned with appearing polite at all. He wouldn't of responded to the first message.

TwistedWonder · 30/12/2025 15:52

She’s no friend but your DH needs to either ignore her or shut her down.

And you need to cut her out - she’s trouble with a capital T