DP has walked out on me due to his MH. Help!

[Canwerecover]

I’m looking for advice and insight, and have name changed in case it is outing.

Together for 11 years, not married and no children, but I have a DC from my previous marriage. Have a mortgage together, house in joint names.

Two and a half weeks ago, DP broke down in tears and told me he is feeling really low. I encouraged him to see the GP and he was put on antidepressants and given links for talking therapy. He also has excellent and speedy access to support via his work.

DP has been taking the medication for two weeks, but he has not taken up the additional support offered. He can’t give me a reason for not accepting the help offered.

Our relationship is generally very good, we get along well, have a lovely home, lots of friends locally and I love doing life with him. I knew something wasn’t right (for about four weeks) and despite checking in regularly, he wouldn’t open up until that night when he broke down in tears.

I have been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving, with no demands, but this week has been hard. Tonight he was very distressed and told me he can’t be with me anymore. He’s left to stay in a hotel. He is adamant there is no one else
and I believe him.

The depression is seemingly a culmination of lots of things, he is negative about everything and is unable to see any positives yet there are many in his life. He cannot find joy in anything and has lost his spark. He has never felt this way before, apparently, but I have discovered that there is a family history. He is mid 50’s.

I don’t know what to feel. He is not himself, he is very unwell mentally and I don’t recognise him at the moment. Has anyone experienced this and is willing to share the outcome? I am preparing for the worst if I am honest.

I don't think the OP cares. And nor should she. She is working on building a better life for her and her daughter which is exactly what she should do. She doesn't need to spend her time analysing her stbxh. Some people find this a necessary step but the OP doesn't seem to and that is a good thing.
Merry Christmas @Canwerecover

I have a lot of experience of being married to someone with severe MH problems, including bad depression. For people saying there is an OW, I disagree. It can absolutely manifest the way that OP is describing. Sometimes they latch on to things in their life that they think might be making them feel that way, and get rid of it to try to make their life better. It’s a kind of desperation. My exH was convinced that it was the U.K. making him depressed, so we emigrated to his country of birth. Then, when that didn’t work, it was me, and he left me. Between times, it was work and people at large - which he denounced as awful. He was an endless bundle of misery and always trying to find someone or something to blame for his mental state. He did get treatment - two types of high-dose anti-depressants a day and therapy - and that helped the depression a lot. (But he had other severe issues like a personality disorder and anger issues that it didn’t fix.)

OP, you have my utmost sympathy.

But the good news is that depression is very treatable, if the person will get help. If he won’t get help then the relationship is doomed. If he will, the depression can heal and your relationship too, assuming no other MH issues.

The man is in tears, and people are saying it’s an OW. This just reflects a poor understanding of severe MH issues.

A lot of what you have said makes sense… and you could be right. Nonetheless, I can’t see him returning to the family home. He is still taking the medication (at least, he was a week ago) and is having counselling. I think long term therapy is also required. I am
so sorry that you have been through such a torrid time, I hope things are better for you now

My thoughts exactly! I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but on MN it seems the explanation for just about everything.

my husband goes to the pub twice a week with the dog. I doubt he’s having an affair with the barmaid. He’s just having a couple of pints and a chat with the other regulars . The dog would tell me anyway!

Sorry OP I wrote the above before reading the whole thread.

I stand by my post but I’m sorry you are struggling at the moment. I hope you and your daughter have a a good a Christmas as you can x

I understand. You do right to keep him on side until the house is sorted . Don’t let him have the excuse and try to make you move out . This will all work and one day you’ll be pleased it happened. You’re doing a great job .

@Canwerecover , I too have had experience of DH with severe MH problems and agree with @NewNameforThisPost2025 that this seems more likely than affair.
You need to separate for you and DC. Build your own world that’s yours. Keep those joint friends, and nourish friendships of your own.
From there you can observe DH. support him as your DCs parent but draw your own boundaries.
You are doing well, as someone mentioned above the Grey Rock technique Is your friend.

@Canwerecover

Hope you and your dd had a lovely Christmas and you are in a place that can see a happy New Year .
Here's to moving on and up !

Thank you! Christmas was lovely, but yesterday and today I have been struggling. I feel overwhelmed and a little bit lost, I think the Christmas adrenaline was keeping me going!

My DD is travelling to a European city tomorrow, for four nights, to celebrate the New Year. She’s on 17, but super sensible but I can’t help worrying! My Uncle arrived yesterday and he is staying the week - he’s great fun and good to be around, but hosting is naturally tiring.

My ex has been messaging DD and I… he wants to meet me early in the New Year. We’ve agreed to meet on the second Sunday of January. Not sure how I feel about this!

Honestly, I wouldn’t meet him. Conduct the business side of your split via email.

He really really needs to know he’s thrown you away.

Has he said why he wants to meet? My (from unfortunate experience) prediction is it will be puppy dog eyes, the beginnings of “I’m not really sure I’ve done the right thing” and he’ll then go cold and you’ll cry.

Only meet him on your terms and if you feel ready to at all.
If you decide to go, remember that at any time before the meeting, even 30 seconds before, if it feels wrong, you can change your mind. During the meeting you can close it down any time it gets uncomfortable or you feel like you are being manipulated or emotionally blackmailed.
If he’s just lonely and thinks he can meet you for a coffee and have a level of support from you with any marital obligation to you, he can think again. He no longer has the right to access to you whenever he feels like it with no regard to his marital status.
You are in charge at all times.

I wouldn’t meet him
you’ll be on edge for these few weeks until the meeting happens
don’t do that to yourself
no doubt things aren’t working as well with the ow as he hoped
plus all house and mortgage related things are better off in writing anyway
so you’ve got nothing to talk about really. You don’t owe him anything .

Glad you had a nice Christmas . Ask him why your meeting / what the point of it is ?
Tell him you will only discuss practical matters only and will leave if its anything else .

Communicate with him via email only. No texts, Whatsaps, phone calls etc. That way you can easily keep track of everything that's said, agreed and arranged. And any unacceptable behaviour.

Ask via email what is the purpose of the email.

Ask for an agenda.

He has left the relationship.

From now on, this is business. The business of the house and contents, child support and other financials etc.

Hopefully you're planning legal and financial advice. Do not take any from him. Especially don't accept 'we can do this ourselves, we don't need to involve solicitors.'

Be very wary of the manipulative 'I'm sorry, I've made a mistake, I'll do better, can we try again' mask. If you believe it, sooner or later it will ooze off again.

The first 2 weeks on anti depressants can actually make the symptoms worse. It may be that he is experiencing this and struggling- he needs to reach out for help x

Apologies I have now read the whole thread- I am sorry for what you are going through and hope that things will get better for you. X

Just been thinking of you . How are you doing ?

Thank you for thinking of me and I do have an update of sorts.

Christmas and the New Year was lovely, obviously different, but nonetheless I was determined to fill our home with love, laughter, great food and a calmness that was needed. My DD and I had a lovely time and truly are blessed with wonderful family and friends.

My exDP came over yesterday, after he asked to see me early in the New Year. It was weird, truly weird. So long as the conversation is steered away from us/his departure, he is his normal self. As soon as I broach anything about the situation, he shuts down. It was very clear that he is still mentally unwell.

The one thing I wanted clarity on was the house, and his thoughts/intentions. He reassured me again that he doesn’t anything to change in that respect, he will pay his share and doesn’t want it sold. This gives me breathing space to focus on my own healing from his sudden departure. It has been brutal and so destabilising.

It’s clear that he hasn’t actually sat in the discomfort of what he has done, but therapy restarts this week after a three week break (due to the therapist being ill). He feels guilty, that’s obvious to me, but I think he wants me to move on so he can maintain this good guy illusion. He still hasn’t updated his social media to show that he is single - we are still connected (I have hidden my status).

I am getting stronger each day, but allow the tears to fall when I need them to. I am stronger than I realised, and am finding the positives in my ‘new’ life. I feel almost excited about the future, especially the warmer days and tending to the garden (my happy place), but I still have a way to go before I can make peace with the situation.

Do I miss him? Yes, but also no. He has changed, I don’t feel safe with him, he has lost credibility, I pity him and his inability to look inwardly at his behaviour, and I hope one day I will look back on this moment in time with a fresh, indifferent, outlook and know that it was worth the pain to be in happier, healthier and much better relationship (although I have no idea how to meet such a man if the posts on here are anything to go by!!).

Here’s to 2026… I look forward to the Year of the Horse, as I am done with shedding 🤣

What a lovely update, Op.
You sound calm and centred. Love it for you.
I hear you re: the house & space to breathe.
But do set a time in your mind when you will start to seriously look at your options. I worry that similar to his sudden departure, he can suddenly change his mind about what he wants. There is no saying what effect therapy may have on him.
Good to hear Christmas/New Year was good for you. I often wondered how you and DD were faring.
All the very best.

Great to hear you and your daughter had a lovely Christmas and I think you’ll have a good year as you will grow and grow . As for him , I think he ll soon be changing his mind about selling the house . I think it’s either two reasons he’s saying he doesn’t want the house sold atm - 1. He’s with someone else but he still wants you there incase it all goes tits up with her or - 2 . He can’t cope with selling it atm as it’s too final and he’s possibly thinking he might want to move back in in the future . Either way , you’re right not to trust him as he will be so unpredictable with this . I’d start to look for another home soon (once you’ve got more strength ) so you can have a clean break unless you may want to consider having him back when he wants to . I think you’ve handled this fantastic and he ll be in shock how strong you are being . Well done

Call his bluff and get the house valued so you know your options. He doesn’t get to call the shots. Can you buy him out and stay put (if you want to)

I'm glad you're moving on with your life Op and finding hope for the future. I'd be wary of your Ex paying the mortgage as a way of hanging onto you, if he gets back to mental health he may want to come back and by then you will probably have moved on. Good luck and let us know how you're getting on

For those still following, I thought I’d provide an update.

In general, life has gone on and with each passing day I am stronger. I have taken up Boxing Fit and have a good routine of walking my dog twice a day. I have lost 21lbs so far and feel better for it. I eat better, exercise more and drink a lot less.

He messages me at least once a week. It will be about something that we used to watch, or follow in the news, or just an in joke between us. He asked to see me again, and I reluctantly agreed to last Sunday. I wish I had trusted my gut and said no. Despite feeling so strong, I found it so hard and it took a good 48 hours to calm my nervous system and feel strong again.

He told me he missed me, us, our life, my DD, the dog, and he feels lonely. He has had counselling, but has been told he needs therapy, his work have offered him this, but he is thinking about it. That tells me everything really. The upside is that leaving me, our home, our life and everything that comes with it has not made him better, in fact he was tearful last Sunday (but so was I).

It all seems so ridiculous, but here we are. I am moving on, starting to get myself out there with the encouragement of my DD and close friends. I need some light now, I have been travelling a dark tunnel for over three months.

Also wanted to add that there is no one else, that much I know for certain