Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP has walked out on me due to his MH. Help!

253 replies

Canwerecover · 21/11/2025 23:21

I’m looking for advice and insight, and have name changed in case it is outing.

Together for 11 years, not married and no children, but I have a DC from my previous marriage. Have a mortgage together, house in joint names.

Two and a half weeks ago, DP broke down in tears and told me he is feeling really low. I encouraged him to see the GP and he was put on antidepressants and given links for talking therapy. He also has excellent and speedy access to support via his work.

DP has been taking the medication for two weeks, but he has not taken up the additional support offered. He can’t give me a reason for not accepting the help offered.

Our relationship is generally very good, we get along well, have a lovely home, lots of friends locally and I love doing life with him. I knew something wasn’t right (for about four weeks) and despite checking in regularly, he wouldn’t open up until that night when he broke down in tears.

I have been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving, with no demands, but this week has been hard. Tonight he was very distressed and told me he can’t be with me anymore. He’s left to stay in a hotel. He is adamant there is no one else
and I believe him.

The depression is seemingly a culmination of lots of things, he is negative about everything and is unable to see any positives yet there are many in his life. He cannot find joy in anything and has lost his spark. He has never felt this way before, apparently, but I have discovered that there is a family history. He is mid 50’s.

I don’t know what to feel. He is not himself, he is very unwell mentally and I don’t recognise him at the moment. Has anyone experienced this and is willing to share the outcome? I am preparing for the worst if I am honest.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 26/02/2026 17:10

@Canwerecover he's starting to see that there are lots of things about being in a relationship that he misses, things that he didn't really value before. It's sad for him but he ruined all those nice little things that make up a long term relationship, now he has to live with the consequences of his choices

Dawninglory · 26/02/2026 17:29

Keep strong Op xx

WillHeEverStop · 26/02/2026 20:45

@Canwerecover , good to hear you are doing well. I think of you, your DD and DDog often hoping you all are okay.

Even though he is not better, it appears he may be starting to clamber his way out of his dark hole. He is trying to reconnect or stay connected to you, create some kind of stability/anchor point for himself.

These meet-ups he has with you may be giving him some hope for getting back but for you positively, they help solidify your healing. Though i don't think it's something you should be doing or are even necessary anymore.

I love how you say you need some light now. More power and every success to you.

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/02/2026 06:57

Stay strong OP, you are doing amazingly well.

NOTANUM · 28/02/2026 09:05

Another one chiming in to say how well you’re doing.. Don’t feel you have to meet him as it sounds upsetting.

Regarding the house, he may get angry if he wants to come back and you don’t allow him so looking at finances might be a good move so you’re ready.

LucyLoo1972 · 28/02/2026 09:16

SapphireOpal · 22/11/2025 07:34

He's only been on the antidepressants 2 weeks. You saying "I have been nothing but patient...but this week has been hard" and the fact that you said you were on ADs for 4 weeks yourself - do make me wonder if you were expecting things to be better by now? It's really normal for it to take a while for things to get better when you have depression. My partner and I have both been on ADs for several YEARS. Two weeks in we'd be feeling worse not better as we'd still be titrating on to them.

That said, he could be having an affair. It's a pretty classic presentation. But I'm not sure I'd immediately jump to that conclusion.

ive been deeply unwell after psychosis for NINe years

Yogabearmous · 28/02/2026 09:22

You are doing great OP

I would start fazing out the meet ups and be less available. They seem to set you back and upset you, when you have come
so far.

LucyLoo1972 · 28/02/2026 09:46

Daleksatemyshed · 26/02/2026 17:10

@Canwerecover he's starting to see that there are lots of things about being in a relationship that he misses, things that he didn't really value before. It's sad for him but he ruined all those nice little things that make up a long term relationship, now he has to live with the consequences of his choices

but if he was mentally unwell he wasnt exactly choosing to ruin things?

Daleksatemyshed · 28/02/2026 16:36

No, @LucyLoo1972 , he didn't choose to ruin things, he's trying to get help with his MH and that is to his credit. Unfortunately, the Op feels differently about him now and doesn't seem to want him back, so their relationship was ruined for the Op by his sudden departure.

Meteorite87 · 24/03/2026 11:39

Daleksatemyshed · 28/02/2026 16:36

No, @LucyLoo1972 , he didn't choose to ruin things, he's trying to get help with his MH and that is to his credit. Unfortunately, the Op feels differently about him now and doesn't seem to want him back, so their relationship was ruined for the Op by his sudden departure.

Agreed @Daleksatemyshed
Also, he is trying to get help to a point he feels comfortable with, not the maximum available (according to @Canwerecover last update). He was told that he needs therapy and it was available to him. His response was to "think about it".

His choices have impacted his relationships.

NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 24/03/2026 12:09

OP I'm glad you are doing better. The situation with your ex seems very confusing for you.
My DH had a psychotic episode 2 years ago when he was sectioned and then another period of severe depression last year. He did not leave though, and we are still plodding on. However I am always on edge and I don't think we can ever get back to what we were, because the second time it happened I felt I had to withdraw in order to protect myself, so kind of prepared myself by doing lots of things on my own, found out I quite enjoyed it so have carried on. I don't feel I can relax and plan anything for us for the future because I always think he's going to stop taking his medication, or quit his job ( both of which he did last time). The whole situation got very confusing for our children and he used to freak them out by suddenly being very over affectionate, so they are wary now every time he is affectionate with them. In some ways I wish I was you instead of me and he'd buggered off.

Original poster
Canwerecover · 29/05/2026 07:34

It’s been a while since I last updated, if anyone is still following!

It will be six months on Tuesday, when he told me he wasn’t coming home. I have come so far in that time and I have now fully embraced single life and am enjoying it!

I have enrolled on a distance learning course, have thrown myself into social situations to force myself out of my comfort zone, and am running the house like clockwork. I love the autonomy I now have, my nervous system has reset and I am almost back to the old me. Everyone has noticed how much happier I seem, which is a huge compliment.

My ex is still orbiting my world, but it no longer sends me spiralling, it’s just irritating. He has told me he thinks about me/our life everyday and is lonely. I think these are just breadcrumbs and I take it with a pinch of salt.

I saw him, unplanned, a couple of weeks ago. Unbeknownst to me, he was at my local and saw me walking past with the dog. He pulled in in his car and rather than talk on our street, I invited him in for a cup of tea. It was very much a test of myself, and I felt absolutely nothing when he left. This was reassuring that I am healing. He seems more like the original version of himself, but he still deflects from
questions about him - when I asked him how he is, he got teary eyed and said ‘ok’. He has been offered therapy, but has refused to take it.

I still think of him from time to time, not in a yearning kind of way, but a ‘why did I tolerate that for so long’.

I dabbled with online dating for a short time, and have concluded it’s awful. The problem
is I enjoy my peace, and have trust issues as a result of the brutal discard. I realise it will take someone very special to break my barriers. For now, life is good on my own.

There is no other woman for my ex. I know a lot of posters automatically jump to there being an OW, but that is not my experience.

My DD is doing great, I am so proud of her. She has a great part-time job, is now driving and whilst she is in touch with my ex, it seems mostly healthy. I did intervene when he was telling her how he’ll be alone on his recent Birthday and she was feeling very sad and sorry for him, but I reiterated that this was what he chose for himself and she is not his emotional support. His past relationships mean that I know as soon as he is in a new relationship, she’ll barely hear from him (if at all). I want to protect her from that scenario as much as I can.

I still have more healing to do, but I am feeling very proud of myself. I continue to do a fair bit of inner work, and the focus is on me, bettering me and creating a happy, healthy life.

If you’re still reading, thank you!

OP posts:
WillHeEverStop · 29/05/2026 07:43

6 months... seems like yesterday i read your thread. Indeed, you have come quite some way.
Absolutely lovely to hear from you and how well you are doing.
Good on you.

Re: I agree, online dating... it's soul destroying. But it's worked (& still working) pretty well for some. Don't know that i brave enough to try it again, though.
It's only been 6 months. You need time.

Imthefunfriend · 29/05/2026 07:44

Fantastic update OP. You should feel proud. It’s not easy to climb out of that dark place and you sound like you have not just climbed out, you are flying!

Really inspiring to read. Long may this continue for you.

DierdreDaphne · 29/05/2026 07:45

Just popping on to say what a wise Mum you are. Your DD is so lucky!

Carlou · 29/05/2026 07:45

Glad to hear your update and know that you are doing so well! It's tough but you seem to have made something really positive out of what is a devastating issue. You can justifiably feel proud of yourself!

Plera · 29/05/2026 08:01

Good luck in your continuing journey OP. online dating is grim mostly but you are probably not ready for that either.

Your story shows that everyone is one episode or event from their normal lives unraveling.

You have done so well to continue with your life and actually start to enjoy your freedom and got yourself out there.

Plera · 29/05/2026 08:02

Good luck in your continuing journey OP. online dating is grim mostly but you are probably not ready for that either.

Your story shows that everyone is one episode or event from their normal lives unraveling.

You have done so well to continue with your life and actually start to enjoy your freedom and got yourself out there.

TreadLightly3 · 29/05/2026 08:19

Canwerecover · 29/05/2026 07:34

It’s been a while since I last updated, if anyone is still following!

It will be six months on Tuesday, when he told me he wasn’t coming home. I have come so far in that time and I have now fully embraced single life and am enjoying it!

I have enrolled on a distance learning course, have thrown myself into social situations to force myself out of my comfort zone, and am running the house like clockwork. I love the autonomy I now have, my nervous system has reset and I am almost back to the old me. Everyone has noticed how much happier I seem, which is a huge compliment.

My ex is still orbiting my world, but it no longer sends me spiralling, it’s just irritating. He has told me he thinks about me/our life everyday and is lonely. I think these are just breadcrumbs and I take it with a pinch of salt.

I saw him, unplanned, a couple of weeks ago. Unbeknownst to me, he was at my local and saw me walking past with the dog. He pulled in in his car and rather than talk on our street, I invited him in for a cup of tea. It was very much a test of myself, and I felt absolutely nothing when he left. This was reassuring that I am healing. He seems more like the original version of himself, but he still deflects from
questions about him - when I asked him how he is, he got teary eyed and said ‘ok’. He has been offered therapy, but has refused to take it.

I still think of him from time to time, not in a yearning kind of way, but a ‘why did I tolerate that for so long’.

I dabbled with online dating for a short time, and have concluded it’s awful. The problem
is I enjoy my peace, and have trust issues as a result of the brutal discard. I realise it will take someone very special to break my barriers. For now, life is good on my own.

There is no other woman for my ex. I know a lot of posters automatically jump to there being an OW, but that is not my experience.

My DD is doing great, I am so proud of her. She has a great part-time job, is now driving and whilst she is in touch with my ex, it seems mostly healthy. I did intervene when he was telling her how he’ll be alone on his recent Birthday and she was feeling very sad and sorry for him, but I reiterated that this was what he chose for himself and she is not his emotional support. His past relationships mean that I know as soon as he is in a new relationship, she’ll barely hear from him (if at all). I want to protect her from that scenario as much as I can.

I still have more healing to do, but I am feeling very proud of myself. I continue to do a fair bit of inner work, and the focus is on me, bettering me and creating a happy, healthy life.

If you’re still reading, thank you!

This is wonderful news! Thanks for updating. So glad to see you got the life you deserve xx

Daleksatemyshed · 29/05/2026 09:21

Well done Op, you've found time for you which shows how much time you spend worrying about him. Stay strong and get on with your new, happier life

Meteorite87 · 29/05/2026 11:20

Canwerecover · 29/05/2026 07:34

It’s been a while since I last updated, if anyone is still following!

It will be six months on Tuesday, when he told me he wasn’t coming home. I have come so far in that time and I have now fully embraced single life and am enjoying it!

I have enrolled on a distance learning course, have thrown myself into social situations to force myself out of my comfort zone, and am running the house like clockwork. I love the autonomy I now have, my nervous system has reset and I am almost back to the old me. Everyone has noticed how much happier I seem, which is a huge compliment.

My ex is still orbiting my world, but it no longer sends me spiralling, it’s just irritating. He has told me he thinks about me/our life everyday and is lonely. I think these are just breadcrumbs and I take it with a pinch of salt.

I saw him, unplanned, a couple of weeks ago. Unbeknownst to me, he was at my local and saw me walking past with the dog. He pulled in in his car and rather than talk on our street, I invited him in for a cup of tea. It was very much a test of myself, and I felt absolutely nothing when he left. This was reassuring that I am healing. He seems more like the original version of himself, but he still deflects from
questions about him - when I asked him how he is, he got teary eyed and said ‘ok’. He has been offered therapy, but has refused to take it.

I still think of him from time to time, not in a yearning kind of way, but a ‘why did I tolerate that for so long’.

I dabbled with online dating for a short time, and have concluded it’s awful. The problem
is I enjoy my peace, and have trust issues as a result of the brutal discard. I realise it will take someone very special to break my barriers. For now, life is good on my own.

There is no other woman for my ex. I know a lot of posters automatically jump to there being an OW, but that is not my experience.

My DD is doing great, I am so proud of her. She has a great part-time job, is now driving and whilst she is in touch with my ex, it seems mostly healthy. I did intervene when he was telling her how he’ll be alone on his recent Birthday and she was feeling very sad and sorry for him, but I reiterated that this was what he chose for himself and she is not his emotional support. His past relationships mean that I know as soon as he is in a new relationship, she’ll barely hear from him (if at all). I want to protect her from that scenario as much as I can.

I still have more healing to do, but I am feeling very proud of myself. I continue to do a fair bit of inner work, and the focus is on me, bettering me and creating a happy, healthy life.

If you’re still reading, thank you!

I hope you are proud of yourself for all the progress you have made @Canwerecover 🔥

Your ex still refusing to commit to all available treatment options but "breadcrumbing" comments says plenty about him.

Your DD will always know that you are the one she can rely on for stability, love and guidance.

Andepeda · 29/05/2026 12:06

Wonderful update OP. Thankyou. Smile

JFDIYOLO · 29/05/2026 19:19

Still expecting women to be emotional support animals there for him even after he did this!

Original poster
Canwerecover · 29/05/2026 22:45

JFDIYOLO · 29/05/2026 19:19

Still expecting women to be emotional support animals there for him even after he did this!

It really doesn’t sit comfortably with me, and I absolutely do not want my DD to feel it is her ‘duty’. If it continues, I will raise it with him and have a good, neutral message drafted in readiness.

OP posts:
Original poster
Canwerecover · 29/05/2026 22:48

Your story shows that everyone is one episode or event from their normal lives unraveling.

@Plera this really landed with me. I have a close friend that is going through similar, also blindsided. We are supporting each other and have often discussed the fragility of what we once considered safe and secure. It’s a lesson to be self sufficient and independent, with lots of friends, hobbies and interests to keep you going during difficult times. We both have daughters and we are doing our best to share this wisdom with them!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread