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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP has walked out on me due to his MH. Help!

253 replies

Canwerecover · 21/11/2025 23:21

I’m looking for advice and insight, and have name changed in case it is outing.

Together for 11 years, not married and no children, but I have a DC from my previous marriage. Have a mortgage together, house in joint names.

Two and a half weeks ago, DP broke down in tears and told me he is feeling really low. I encouraged him to see the GP and he was put on antidepressants and given links for talking therapy. He also has excellent and speedy access to support via his work.

DP has been taking the medication for two weeks, but he has not taken up the additional support offered. He can’t give me a reason for not accepting the help offered.

Our relationship is generally very good, we get along well, have a lovely home, lots of friends locally and I love doing life with him. I knew something wasn’t right (for about four weeks) and despite checking in regularly, he wouldn’t open up until that night when he broke down in tears.

I have been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving, with no demands, but this week has been hard. Tonight he was very distressed and told me he can’t be with me anymore. He’s left to stay in a hotel. He is adamant there is no one else
and I believe him.

The depression is seemingly a culmination of lots of things, he is negative about everything and is unable to see any positives yet there are many in his life. He cannot find joy in anything and has lost his spark. He has never felt this way before, apparently, but I have discovered that there is a family history. He is mid 50’s.

I don’t know what to feel. He is not himself, he is very unwell mentally and I don’t recognise him at the moment. Has anyone experienced this and is willing to share the outcome? I am preparing for the worst if I am honest.

OP posts:
TheLittleMermoo · 01/12/2025 08:51

I still think its really really selfish of him

Original poster
Canwerecover · 01/12/2025 12:31

TheLittleMermoo · 01/12/2025 08:51

I still think its really really selfish of him

Sadly, I think depression does make you selfish.

DP is still not home, but we talk every day. I go from feeling like I don’t care to missing him terribly to feeling an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness.

I have reached out for support via my company and have been referred for counselling to help me better understand this. A counsellor advised me last week that DP is effectively hiding in a cave and it’s a typical male response. His counselling starts within days.

I don’t know if/when he will be home. We talked about meeting up yesterday, but I decided not to and felt having lunch with friends would be much better for my wellbeing (and it was). I fell apart towards the end of last week, mostly due to sleep deprivation, and I am working hard to improve that and feel much better for doing so.

The longer he is away, the harder it is to imagine him slotting back into family life. I don’t need him, am coping remarkably well and am on top of everything. But I do miss his company and he is telling me that he misses me too.

OP posts:
ConstitutionHill · 01/12/2025 18:22

Take care OP. It sounds like you are striking the right balance between supporting your husband and self care. Good luck.

Original poster
Canwerecover · 04/12/2025 06:45

If you’re still following my thread… my (not so) ‘D’P told me on Tuesday night that he’s not coming home. So that’s it, over.

Yes, I am sad and shocked by how quickly this has all happened but the not knowing was so much worse. During the day on Tuesday I was really struggling with my emotions, my chest felt tight and I felt a sense of foreboding like I have never felt before. During our nightly phone call he could tell I wasn’t right and that’s when I told him the not knowing was having a profound impact on me. He took a deep breath and told me he wasn’t coming home. He went on to say that he wanted to live close by so he’s available to help me, DD and DDog with anything! I do not want his help and that made me so angry (but I contained myself!).

My DD is feeling sad, he’s been a huge part of her life for 11 years and she’s feeling the same rejection that I am feeling. However, we also feel that he’s not the person he was just three or four months ago and therefore this is for the best ultimately. It feels like a form of grief, which I think is to be expected.

I wouldn’t normally do this, but we’re both having a duvet day today. I managed to work yesterday, but I feel like I have been hit by a bus this morning. I am also stressed that he has asked to pick up some belongings tomorrow whilst I am at work, but I feel I should be here. I don’t want any confrontation, but I am not sure that I can trust him. Any advice on this front would be appreciated.

On the plus side, I no longer have to think or worry about him. I can now make plans for Christmas and I do actually feel free and so much lighter now that he has ended the relationship. I am also glad he has ended it as apparently his MH and depression are very bad and he doesn’t think the tablets are helping him (I believe this less and less each day if I am brutally honest).

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 04/12/2025 06:55

Oh man. I started typing ‘so sorry’ but actually… you’re going to be ok and tbh in the end, better.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your dd pleasing yourselves.

One day doesn’t sound very much - glad you are taking it though. You have some healing to do, for sure.

Thewookiemustgo · 04/12/2025 09:35

I’m sorry for all you have gone through OP. Enjoy your duvet day, you and your daughter deserve it.
Your attitude and strength are amazing OP, you are right to feel angry and you tried as hard as you could, letting him go will be the best thing you can do, he is no longer your responsibility. Communicate only as you absolutely have to now, he has made his choice and has to live with the consequences. Let him. Listen to no more of it, they are his problems now, not yours.
Take great care of yourself and plan a lovely Christmas, you deserve it. X

ConstitutionHill · 04/12/2025 09:37

Have the duvet day! Of course you are sad but at least a line has been drawn. Call me cynical but there's still time for an OW to appear though.

JFDIYOLO · 04/12/2025 09:46

All the very best to you and your dd.

It might be wise to have a friend or relative with you when he comes round, to help you keep it together.

Personally, because I've developed a nasty streak over the years, I'd decorate the house for Christmas, including nice smells and baking, not to lure him back but to show him what he has thrown away and will be missing out on, as you look to the future moving on.

And make plans with family and friends for your own wellbeing over Christmas and new year. The arse end of the year can be a very low point in itself. He's centred himself. Time you did the same for you and DD.

NewCushions · 04/12/2025 09:58

Oh OP, I am sorry. I was hoping it was a genuine mental health crisis and he would get better but it does seem to be moving more to the script. Right down to pitching himself as the good guy, available to "help" you and dd....

Well done for prioritising yourself and your dd! And have a great Christmas.

BuckChuckets · 04/12/2025 11:29

I'm sorry he's put/putting you through this, but you and your DD will have a happier future without him. And I'm sure you'll have a lovely Christmas together 🎄

TheLittleMermoo · 04/12/2025 14:06

What a prick. Guaranteed he isnt at his parents house.

Sending you hugs

Lemonysnickety · 04/12/2025 16:23

Oh he really is a total prick. You honestly sound so lovely. I hope you and your DC have a period of mourning and grief and then once that passes you come to the realisation that you deserve so much more out of life and you are able to move forward and develop that life for yourselves. That manipulative toe rag is not who you hoped he would be and we are always better off letting the toe rags go even if it is painful in the shorter term.

SquareHead37 · 05/12/2025 02:49

I’m sorry to hear this. I think it’s best if all his belongings are collected swiftly and your joint mortgage sorted asap because if his relationship holiday doesn’t work out he’ll try to come back. If it does work out he’ll get nasty so make sure he can’t screw you over.

His comment about wanting to help is a statement of intention and he intends to keep the door open. Make sure it’s firmly locked.

Have a friend or family member round when he comes, a brief hi, no more.

notallwhowanderare · 05/12/2025 03:52

He seeing someone else. It's great he's leaving. Don't let him come back when it doesn't work out with her.

UpDownAllAround1 · 05/12/2025 05:39

Sorry to hear the update, OP. Maybe I am alone in this but still early days for the anti-depressants to work. Has he even given any reasons for not
coming back?

Ydkiml · 05/12/2025 07:18

This does not seem right at all . But firstly may I say how lovely you sound and how level headed , caring and a great mother you sound too . You’re going to be ok and you’re going to have a great Christmas. It doesn’t seem right at all because he should be leaning towards you and the fact he’s called the whole relationship off , doesn’t sound like depression, it sounds like he’s had his head turned with another person . Male / female . He’s pretending it’s his mental health so he can blame it when he comes running back when it goes tits up . He wants to stay near to you because he wants to keep tabs on you . He is not depressed. He’s sly . Your daughter and yourself are better off without him . Enjoy the peace and keep being you .

Original poster
Canwerecover · 06/12/2025 07:31

Gosh, yesterday was the most surreal day of my life. He came to collect his belongings, which in the grand scheme of things, didn’t amount to much.

He was here for five hours, he was very emotional but just like a switch is flicked he can mask very effectively. It’s strange to observe and very disconcerting. He was here so long because the ‘man with a van’ was running late. There were tears, laughter, cups of tea and hugs. He told me he loved me, loved my DD and said it was good to see us. He’s going to try and rent somewhere within a 30 minute drive. His stuff has gone into storage for the time being. He said he will update me on how he is doing and asked me to contact him if there’s anything I need.

I don’t know how I feel. I asked him if there is, or has been, someone else and he promised me there isn’t/hasn’t. I believe him, afterall he has nothing to lose now. He will continue to pay his share of household bills and he takes full responsibility for our situation.

I had a big social event to attend last night, but gave my apologies as it just didn’t feel right and I wanted to stay home and be with my DD as she too is feel sad and rejected.

I still can’t believe this has happened. I have started to tell mutual friends, of which we have many where we live. They are all in shock, and are showing DD and I such kindness and support (the kindness is what sets off my tears… every message, call… I hope that passes soon!!). I didn’t think he was capable of this, no-one did, he has always been Mr Dependable, the go to in a crisis, calm, rational and level headed and the guy you could put in a room full of strangers and he could chat to anyone about anything.

I don’t recognise the man he is today. It very much feels like grief, the loss of someone entrenched in our lives and the loss of who he once was.

There are much worse things happening in the world right now, and I try to use this to gain perspective that things could be much worse for me at this time. I do like the autonomy I now have, and I know this storm will pass and the emptiness will ebb away.

One thing that I am very grateful for is my DD, she truly is a wonderful human being and I’m thankful for our closeness. She keeps me going, lifts me up when I am low and is wise beyond her 17 years. I feel very blessed and she is my focus because I need to ensure that she is okay too and we have a wonderful Christmas and we make new memories.

Here’s to new beginnings and eventual peace

OP posts:
JustSomeMama · 06/12/2025 07:47

OP: I hope that you're as okay as you can be. I wonder though, has he ever actually said why he's leaving? What's his goal? I understand that he's struggling but how is being alone going to help him? What's the reason here? He said he loves you so I'm so confused and my Goodness, you must be in so much shock as this makes little sense even to strangers on the internet, let alone his actual partner.

Please look after you and DD, there's something odd about a man's sudden change of behaviour. It could be so many things and I hope he figured it out, but like you said - not your problem!!

Andepeda · 06/12/2025 07:48

What a lovely person you are OP, it really, really is his loss. Flowers

TokyoSushi · 06/12/2025 07:55

Oh gosh OP, I’ve just come across your thread, sending strength, it sounds like you’re doing amazingly well.

BeKhakiReader · 06/12/2025 08:23

Having been through something quite similar, my advice (which I’d didn’t follow myself and regret) is to stop all but essential communication with him.

Because you’re obviously a lovely person, you’re going to want to check in with him frequently. This enables him to exist in a nice existential bubble.

He needs to experience the full consequence of what he has put in place. This will allow him to focus on what is going on for him. At the moment he’s probably concluded it’s somehow you/your relationship that is responsible.

It will also allow you to take a deep breath and move towards your new future.

Mine was a decade ago and for reasons of my own mental health I begged and pleaded with him to stay. He did, but I bitterly regret it and wish I’d been able to be strong at the time.

Fiftyandme · 06/12/2025 08:30

Canwerecover · 06/12/2025 07:31

Gosh, yesterday was the most surreal day of my life. He came to collect his belongings, which in the grand scheme of things, didn’t amount to much.

He was here for five hours, he was very emotional but just like a switch is flicked he can mask very effectively. It’s strange to observe and very disconcerting. He was here so long because the ‘man with a van’ was running late. There were tears, laughter, cups of tea and hugs. He told me he loved me, loved my DD and said it was good to see us. He’s going to try and rent somewhere within a 30 minute drive. His stuff has gone into storage for the time being. He said he will update me on how he is doing and asked me to contact him if there’s anything I need.

I don’t know how I feel. I asked him if there is, or has been, someone else and he promised me there isn’t/hasn’t. I believe him, afterall he has nothing to lose now. He will continue to pay his share of household bills and he takes full responsibility for our situation.

I had a big social event to attend last night, but gave my apologies as it just didn’t feel right and I wanted to stay home and be with my DD as she too is feel sad and rejected.

I still can’t believe this has happened. I have started to tell mutual friends, of which we have many where we live. They are all in shock, and are showing DD and I such kindness and support (the kindness is what sets off my tears… every message, call… I hope that passes soon!!). I didn’t think he was capable of this, no-one did, he has always been Mr Dependable, the go to in a crisis, calm, rational and level headed and the guy you could put in a room full of strangers and he could chat to anyone about anything.

I don’t recognise the man he is today. It very much feels like grief, the loss of someone entrenched in our lives and the loss of who he once was.

There are much worse things happening in the world right now, and I try to use this to gain perspective that things could be much worse for me at this time. I do like the autonomy I now have, and I know this storm will pass and the emptiness will ebb away.

One thing that I am very grateful for is my DD, she truly is a wonderful human being and I’m thankful for our closeness. She keeps me going, lifts me up when I am low and is wise beyond her 17 years. I feel very blessed and she is my focus because I need to ensure that she is okay too and we have a wonderful Christmas and we make new memories.

Here’s to new beginnings and eventual peace

After reading this I’m afraid I’ve joined the ‘cherche la femme’ camp. This is now classic.

He’s cheating

TheThingOnTheIce · 06/12/2025 08:44

Canwerecover · 21/11/2025 23:21

I’m looking for advice and insight, and have name changed in case it is outing.

Together for 11 years, not married and no children, but I have a DC from my previous marriage. Have a mortgage together, house in joint names.

Two and a half weeks ago, DP broke down in tears and told me he is feeling really low. I encouraged him to see the GP and he was put on antidepressants and given links for talking therapy. He also has excellent and speedy access to support via his work.

DP has been taking the medication for two weeks, but he has not taken up the additional support offered. He can’t give me a reason for not accepting the help offered.

Our relationship is generally very good, we get along well, have a lovely home, lots of friends locally and I love doing life with him. I knew something wasn’t right (for about four weeks) and despite checking in regularly, he wouldn’t open up until that night when he broke down in tears.

I have been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving, with no demands, but this week has been hard. Tonight he was very distressed and told me he can’t be with me anymore. He’s left to stay in a hotel. He is adamant there is no one else
and I believe him.

The depression is seemingly a culmination of lots of things, he is negative about everything and is unable to see any positives yet there are many in his life. He cannot find joy in anything and has lost his spark. He has never felt this way before, apparently, but I have discovered that there is a family history. He is mid 50’s.

I don’t know what to feel. He is not himself, he is very unwell mentally and I don’t recognise him at the moment. Has anyone experienced this and is willing to share the outcome? I am preparing for the worst if I am honest.

I know it doesn’t really matter as he’s gone now but I agree. Another woman will come out of the woodwork soon and he’ll claim he only met her after he moved out and this will be a lie. I just think you need to know he’s not your friend anymore . He’s studied the script well .

TheThingOnTheIce · 06/12/2025 08:46

Sorry I meant to quote the post before mine and not the original post . Not sure how that happened

OchreRaven · 06/12/2025 09:55

I’m really sorry @Canwerecover. I agree with others who say there is another woman. You are here because you are confused by his actions and his words. You are right to be confused because they don’t make sense. He says he loves you and your DD and his solution to his depression is to move out and add stress to his life by finding a new place to live whilst still committing to paying your bills.

As someone who has had a depressed partner, the last thing he would want or be capable of doing, is making plans that would cause more stress. His actions instead scream guilt. Especially the short time frame, the lack of wanting to find meds that work, and offering to financially support you. A man depressed enough to throw his life away would be hiding under the duvet at this parents, not capable of thinking of the future.

Like you said he is ‘Mr Dependable’ and that image is clashing with his actions right now. That mental dissonance is causing his mental health issues. I would bet money on the fact he has been emotionally supporting another woman, becoming her knight in shining armour and in the process the villain of your story. He is hoping he can still come out of this smelling of roses with him being the victim.

The good news is you know you don’t need him. I would make a clean break and prepare for him to have a girlfriend in the next six months. Concentrate on emotionally detaching and building a wonderful life with your DD.

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