DP has walked out on me due to his MH. Help!

[Canwerecover]

I’m looking for advice and insight, and have name changed in case it is outing.

Together for 11 years, not married and no children, but I have a DC from my previous marriage. Have a mortgage together, house in joint names.

Two and a half weeks ago, DP broke down in tears and told me he is feeling really low. I encouraged him to see the GP and he was put on antidepressants and given links for talking therapy. He also has excellent and speedy access to support via his work.

DP has been taking the medication for two weeks, but he has not taken up the additional support offered. He can’t give me a reason for not accepting the help offered.

Our relationship is generally very good, we get along well, have a lovely home, lots of friends locally and I love doing life with him. I knew something wasn’t right (for about four weeks) and despite checking in regularly, he wouldn’t open up until that night when he broke down in tears.

I have been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving, with no demands, but this week has been hard. Tonight he was very distressed and told me he can’t be with me anymore. He’s left to stay in a hotel. He is adamant there is no one else
and I believe him.

The depression is seemingly a culmination of lots of things, he is negative about everything and is unable to see any positives yet there are many in his life. He cannot find joy in anything and has lost his spark. He has never felt this way before, apparently, but I have discovered that there is a family history. He is mid 50’s.

I don’t know what to feel. He is not himself, he is very unwell mentally and I don’t recognise him at the moment. Has anyone experienced this and is willing to share the outcome? I am preparing for the worst if I am honest.

Absolutely this.
Of course you are moved by his tears and of course they were genuine.
However, he chose this and needs to understand what it means. He doesn’t get to leave for a new life with you being kind and supportive in the background and able to pop in and out of your life any more as he chooses.
Obviously you need a civil relationship for your daughter’s sake and him taking his stuff away in a van and saying his goodbyes was no doubt excruciatingly painful and very poignant.
However, beneath this is a man who says he loves you and his daughter, but has just moved out and taken himself and all his things out of the family home and left you both.
You and your daughter need space and time to grieve what has just happened to you, it is very much like a bereavement and is a big loss and life changing event.
Turn inwards now towards yourself and your daughter, he is no longer someone for you to worry about.
Of course friends and family are astonished, nobody is ever “the guy who would” until they are, it’s utter rubbish that there’s a “type” of any kind. It’s just more shocking when it’s somebody who up until this point was perceived as “the guy who wouldn’t”.
I would say that given the right circumstances for the individual, most people are capable of just about anything, no matter how adamant they are initially that they never would.
I know this is Mumsnet and we would say this wouldn’t we, but I’m another one who isn’t buying his story so far. Laughing, crying, organising a van, organising a place to go….most people with clinical depression can barely get out of bed and struggle with normal emotional responses. Yes, there are degrees of it and there’s masking, but he sounds more resigned and relieved than depressed.
In your first post you said he’d seen his GP but didn’t take up the support offered and “can’t give me a reason for not taking up the help offered”. Granted, a lot of people are averse to talking therapy but that’s usually the reason they offer. He’s funnily enough really not interested in talking about his reasons for his depression, reasons for his departure, so why is he doing what he’s just done? He’s just upended everyone’s lives and he can’t tell you why? Rubbish.
Your daughter must be incredibly confused and hurt and he hasn’t even given you a good reason, let alone her.
Take care of yourself and your daughter now, she no doubt feels rejected too as you say, and he should be making huge efforts to explain to her that she isn’t rejected and she should get a full explanation from him as to why he felt he had to do this. Don’t do his donkey work for him, reassure her how fabulous she is and how much you love her and that you have a lovely future planned and remind her that he told her he loves her, but say no more that for him. When she asks “so in that case, if he loves us both, why did he leave?” tell her honestly that you don’t know what’s really wrong with him and that he owes her a full explanation and that hopefully in time she will get one. It’s his squirming to do, his conversation to have. Let him have to look her in the eye and tell her why he’s left.
He’s a cowardly fool OP, you sound absolutely lovely.
I have no sympathy for him whatsoever and I’m the kind of person who really tries to see both sides. To leave with no proper reason or explanation is unforgivable.

I agree with the comments since your update. Be prepared for him wanting to introduce your daughter to his new partner. Pretty soon.

A man in the depths of depression doesn't have the energy to busy himself looking for flats, arranging removal man, financial planning.

You said yourself that he masks. He's doing it again.

This suggests a plan that's been carefully carried out with the intent to make himself look as good as possible.

Don't let him just drop in when he feels like it. Hold him to his promise to pay the household bills (get it in writing).

I was in the camp he's just having a mental breakdown but the more I read the more I feel you are right.

I think OP is being blindsided. Of course he isn't going to admit if there's another woman or not.

You don't move out from somewhere where your loved ones are, you have financial stability and your household responsibilities are halved for the sake of your mental health. I think OP has her therapy hat on, not her wife hat.

There is a reason he feels his hand is forced into this. Of course he isn't going to admit this. It is self preservation and it's coming up to Christmas.

Get your ducks in a row now and take action OP. Don't wait for him to make the first move. Stop being so selfless. You should be absolutely livid.

Be prepared for him to expect to be invited over for Christmas. And to be welcomed with open arms. Do you have plans yet?

Thanks all, time will tell if there is an OW, as much as I want to believe him I never trust anyone 100%.

Thankfully it’s not his biological daughter, but has been in her life since she was six. I am grateful that I can ultimately achieve a clean break and never have to see him again.

I haven’t messaged him, and have no intention of doing so. As far as I am concerned, he has made his bed and can now lie in it.

I completely agree that typical depression does not provide the energy or ability to do anything that he’s doing. That has blindsided me, but he is a complex individual and always has been. He is a product of his parents in that regard. I probably need to write a list of all his negative behaviours and focus on that, rather than dwelling on the fond memories, which are in turn causing me the overwhelming sense of loss!

There will be no space for him at Christmas or the New Year, I am surrounding myself with family. That’s what I really need.

In the NY I will be seeing a financial adviser to look at all of my options. My parents mentioned helping me too, and a conversation will be had in January. I need to sever all financial connections to him, but for now I feel I should focus on this first stage which happens to coincide with Christmas!

I need to reach a state of indifference, that’s the ideal emotion. I will get there!

I very much doubt he's still taking medication now, if he ever actually did.

Lots of outwardlly reliable, decent people are capable of all sorts when the opportunity arises. I'm with you OP, you can't trust anyone 100%, even yourself. x

I'm sorry you are going through this. You must now look after yourself and your DD and do not worry about him anymore. He is thinking about himself and putting himself first, you must do the same.

I hate to be negative, but it's highly likely that there is an OW. Men rarely leave the family home if this is not the case and his actions sound like he is absolutely racked with guilt and sadness about it. It's a grief for you both and he will feel bad about it. I had almost the same experience 20 years ago with my exh. He was depressed, devastated, checked into a hotel felt he couldn't be with me anymore.... the she appeared. It didn't last, we got divorced. I didn't think I would get over it, but it was actually the making of me.

You must think of yourself and your DD now. It is a grief, you will go through lots of emotions before you get to indifference, but I promise you, you will get there.

Take comfort in your friends, do things that make you feel good and above all be kind to yourself

Can I just say, on MN there does seem to be a slight obsession with the idea that there must be an other woman, when in reality it doesn’t actually matter or not. He may well be depressed and blaming his relationship with you /you expecting him to be an equal partner etc and men do leave for these stupid reasons too. That doesn’t mean you have to tie yourself in knots or blame yourself. (It could well be he expected you to “work to fix” his problems and so is leaving because you can’t/wont.)

equally if he’s leaving because you are to blame in his head for his mental health issues, don’t be surprised if he does seek out a new partner quickly who will look after him.

If he does get a new partner, don’t be surprised if he then suddenly wants to get his equity out of the house. I’d be getting things in place for that soon, get the house valued, work out of you can buy him out or if you’ll have to sell.

I agree. The poor bloke sounds like he's having a breakdown and everyone is accusing him of an affair.
Op, talking therapy isn't for everyone, I didn't access it when i was very low, it just wasn't something I could face. Anti-depressants can take a while to kick in and sometimes people need to try a different one. I would try to check on him regularly, try to encourage him to go back to the GP for a review if things are not improving. I'm sorry you are going through this.
EDIT : Sorry I hadn't read your update when I posted.

People who are having breakdowns to the point that they walk out on their partner and go to stay with their elderly parents dont generally have the wherewithal to organise a man with a van, storage, flat-hunting while also continuing to pay their share of the bills at the house they have abandoned.

It smacks of someone fully capable, paying out guilt money.

If he were having a breakdown he would be brittle to the point he would be unable to deal with logistics so swiftly. He would leave all his stuff in situ at his home and just take a month to bed down with his parents.

As I pointed out in my post at the end, I had not read op's update.

@Canwerecoveryou face a difficult road but you will emerge a stronger person. The feelings you had yesterday will not be the same as today's and that is only natural. Try not to dwell on the reasons why and just move on with the process. What he has done is one of the most disrespectful and cruel things a person can do to their partner. It attacks your very own self worth. Yes relationships break up but there are dignified ways of doing so. The good years I had with my ex h of 28 years disappeared under the pain that he caused me. I emerged though and am much happier now and stronger. I have nothing to say to my ex h now as he was a coward and a liar. I am glad I'm not the kind of person he is. You will find your strength and take comfort from the fact you tried to help him. You are the better person.

I can’t tell you how much your comments are helping me. Thank you. Every perspective is so valid, and I appreciate some are lived experiences.

I had a real wobble earlier, I found one of his t-shirts in the ironing basket and it still had the faint smell of his aftershave (I clearly need better washing powder) and it made me sob. But having got that out of my system I feel better for it.

It goes against my default setting, but I am going to write a list of all his bad habits and faults and use it as a point of reference every time I have a wobble or ‘what if’ moment. I need to remember that he wasn’t perfect and certainly his recent behaviour suggests that he is very far from perfect.

Close family and friends have asked me if I would take him back. The answer is no. I can’t ever put myself or my DD (or even DDog!) through this again. The situation with DDog is interesting… he considers himself to be a dog lover, before we had a dog he would take great delight in approaching dogs and their owners and asking if he could give them a fuss. Our dog is a rescue, we got her on February 2020 and she is very much my girl. He did a lot of the walking mid week and of course I now do that. DDog wasn’t bothered by his presence yesterday, she was indifferent. I need to be more like DDog! But it struck me that I never thought he would leave DDog as he was smitten by her.

I’ll update this thread if/when anything big happens. I am now curious to see how this all plays out

Having a sob is perfectly normal - it would be odd if you didn’t have moments now and then of being really upset, that’s fine.

Do use this time to prep on the assumption he’s going to want his money out of the house / stop paying the bills. He might be trying to “do the right thing” by you for now, but if there is someone else (or if there’s not someone else yet, however he gets a new someone else soon) his generosity might not last. At least if you know where you stand, you don’t have to worry.

Also agree with PP, no contact. No nice messages, no support from you.

I'm sorry this has happened to you @Canwerecover
It's very sad for you and your daughter.

Hey, I've not caught up on the whole thread so sorry if it's been said but I'm about to go out and didn't want to not reply. I've been in his position and I can understand how hard it is to reach out for support. The fact he went to the doctor's is a really good step, but starting talking therapy can feel like climbing a mountain when you're suffering with depression. When things get really bad I too want to run away. My DH doesn't always understand what's going on in my head either and I can't imagine it's been easy for him at all.

Also antidepressants take a long time to settle down and often people need to try a few different types before they find the one that can help. The first lot I tried made me a lot worse for a few months, it was a long hard slog

Well you seem sound as a pound @Canwerecover - I don't understand his bahaviour... but we're all different. I would have thought, in a crisis, a moment of uncertainty, that you would turn to someone solid like yourself. We both understand why you've been pelted with the OW theory - frankly it's top of my list too - but it's a guess and could easily be totally wrong - it's wise not to forget that. I will mention one real life anecdote - the only one I personally know of where the guy left under very similar circumstances. He set himself up in a flat, insisted there was no OW throughout. It was well over a year later after he had left their marriage, that the wife discovered that .... he hooked up with the wife of a good friend of theirs (a couple who had been supporting her through the breakup) who had left her husband maybe a year after her husband had left - something had been going on for a long time. So if there is a parallel - do you know another couple that either have separated recently (or even not so recently) or might do in the future? This couple had clearly gone to great lengths to make it look like their affair wasn't the reason for the 2 separations - incredible that they went to those lengths over such a long timescale. Who knows what the future holds - maybe he'll sort himself out and it will make sense - it's so hard to believe that, I think, people are thinking of easier and, on the surface, more rational explanations. Look after yourself - I'm hopeful for you.

Do you believe the 'man with van running late so I'll just have stay for HOURS' story?

It was convenient, wasn't it.

That's keeping you soft, malleable, believing.

For everyone's sake, don't let another marathon heart to heart happen.

If he wants to see the dog, make it at the park. Don't invite him back.

It certainly wasn’t what I expected!

For the time being I have no desire to see or speak to him. It irritated me that a parcel arrived for him yesterday because he hadn’t changed the delivery address. My DD messaged him as I want minimal contact.

One day he will realise the enormity of what he has done, but for now he is oblivious. Meanwhile, I am enjoying my peace and ability to do what I want, when I want. My head is doing a great job of reminding me of all his annoying habits and traits that I accepted, but no longer need to.

I'm flabbergasted at this thread.

What reason is a man ever "allowed" (in posters' eyes) to leave a relationship??
And in which manner?
(leave with no opprobrium I mean)

I'd put good money on him having the parcel delivered to you to force your hand and reach out.

Don't accept parcels for him, decline them when the courier arrives, or post them back as return to sender.

Absolutely, from now on all letters and parcels return / refuse / not at this address.

If there isn't someone else I will stand corrected but in every other story I have heard and witnessed first hand like this, there always is. She maybe staying with her partner for christmas for the sake of the kids maybe but it's coming. Brace yourself and if (big if) and when it all comes out just KNOW that you being caring and understanding of his mental health is a mark of how incredible you are. Men will lie to their dying breath rather than admit to being morally in the wrong.