DP has walked out on me due to his MH. Help!

[Canwerecover]

I’m looking for advice and insight, and have name changed in case it is outing.

Together for 11 years, not married and no children, but I have a DC from my previous marriage. Have a mortgage together, house in joint names.

Two and a half weeks ago, DP broke down in tears and told me he is feeling really low. I encouraged him to see the GP and he was put on antidepressants and given links for talking therapy. He also has excellent and speedy access to support via his work.

DP has been taking the medication for two weeks, but he has not taken up the additional support offered. He can’t give me a reason for not accepting the help offered.

Our relationship is generally very good, we get along well, have a lovely home, lots of friends locally and I love doing life with him. I knew something wasn’t right (for about four weeks) and despite checking in regularly, he wouldn’t open up until that night when he broke down in tears.

I have been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving, with no demands, but this week has been hard. Tonight he was very distressed and told me he can’t be with me anymore. He’s left to stay in a hotel. He is adamant there is no one else
and I believe him.

The depression is seemingly a culmination of lots of things, he is negative about everything and is unable to see any positives yet there are many in his life. He cannot find joy in anything and has lost his spark. He has never felt this way before, apparently, but I have discovered that there is a family history. He is mid 50’s.

I don’t know what to feel. He is not himself, he is very unwell mentally and I don’t recognise him at the moment. Has anyone experienced this and is willing to share the outcome? I am preparing for the worst if I am honest.

Any update op ? How are you doing ?

When this happened to my dh it took a few months for the Sertraline to work properly and needed increased doses. He also became a totally different person when ill (there was no affair contrary to what a lot of people on MN say).

I hope you can both get to a place where you understand each other and can find a way forward. Once the MH crisis stage is passed, you’ll both be able to have clarity. It takes time.

Thank you for asking! Today is a better day, of course I am still sad, confused, angry, but I feel happier today and a lot less tearful. My inability to sleep was really affecting my resilience so I have started magnesium supplements an hour before bedtime and for the first time in my life I undertook a sleep meditation session and I slept right through to my alarm! It felt amazing! I will make this my new routine.

I also had a wry chuckle at walking DDog in the pouring rain this morning, wearing my wellies and dry robe and DDog in her ‘coat’ (which could do with covering her back better) and reflecting on how much my life has changed in the space of a month! But it actually felt liberating walking in the rain and I don’t resent it at all.

I am focusing on my activity levels, carving out time to use my Peloton bike on top of two 30 minute dog walks a day (longer at the weekend).

He messaged me several times yesterday about the place he is renting. His messages seemed slightly manic, and weird if I am honest. He worked out how far away he would be in terms of miles and compared that to the distance to my parent's house. I found that odd - does he think I will want to visit him?

I am hoping my counselling sessions will
start soon, I have been assigned someone. I am hoping it will help me move on and accept what has happened. I was about to say that I don’t want to carry this emotional baggage into a new relationship, but I’m in my late forties and have no idea how I would meet someone that I would find attractive 🤣

OP, you are doing really well. Whether or not this is really the script or not, I think that on some level he was expecting you to fight harder. You've mentioned a few times that you're focusing on things about the relationship that were less good to help you get through this and I'm wondering if actually, there was more than you realised (or realise yet) and if perhaps, on some level, what he expected ws that you would accomodate more of the things you already didn't like if he used his mental health as a reason. To be clear, this COULD be conscious , but equally, could have been an unconscious process in his head.

But whether his actions and expectations were conscious or unconscious, you haven't responded the way he expected. And that is probably causing quite a lot of angst and chaos for him. He expected more help. Perhaps more facilitation from you, and most likely more validation. Perhaps more begging or you to change things about the way you do things.

But well done for NOT doing any of that!

He messaged me several times yesterday about the place he is renting.

If you can't block him out of your life because you are still organising the split then I would advise holding business hours. You don't need to tell him that this is what you'll be doing, but it will help you.

For example, you will only reply to his text messages between 4-6pm. If he texts before or after, you ignore. This is to protect your peace, so you don't get cortisol or adrenaline spikes before bed, and you can get on with your day time without being disrupted and left feeling emotionally sucked dry.

It isn't fair that whatever he is going through and the choices he is making can continue to impact your day. Having boundaries is healthy.

This is great advice.

@Canwerecover Well done for actioning those changes that will benefit your own physical and mental health.

If he is texting you general things, you are not obligated to respond at all. He doesn't have any automatic right to your time or energy.

Have you considered a parenting app for all communication linked to your DC?

Keep on putting yourself and DC first.
Your husband made his choice so must live with all the consequences.

All I want to say is: well done OP. You sound like a really cool lady who has her sh** together!!! His loss. I think he's realised it already hence he's messaging so much... 🤣 Keep ignoring, keep smiling and enjoy those Ddog walks!!

Absolutely agree. He is NOT entitled to your attention and time. Blank him, and if he persists.tell him you don't want any messages about stuff that does not directly concern you, and that it is inconsiderate of him to bother you. It's not 'good guy' behaviour, is it?

Well done on getting counselling sorted OP. It was so helpful for me in the early days. I’m now 22 months past my XH moving out and while the grief still hits me in waves, and I struggle to make sense of things still, you’re on the path to a new and better life for you and your DD.

For those still watching… I feel a little stronger each day, but any any act of kindness releases the tears still.

He moves into his new rental tomorrow. He is collecting some post, and other bits he left behind, en route. I am okay with that.

My counselling started on Wednesday and it was okay.

I woke up at 4am this morning with my brain pestering me over a thought: attachment theories. I studied these a couple of years ago for my counselling course. I remembered the theories and the different types, and now I am questioning if he has an attachment avoidant style. Everything I read describes him to the letter. Why didn’t I see this earlier? I will raise this with my counsellor during my next session.

I enjoyed my first ever game of padel last night. I haven’t laughed that much in a good
month or more. It was good for the soul. Tonight I am seeing friends for drinks and a catch up. Am looking forward to that, and won’t drink too much, or at least that is the aim 😊 I don’t drink much these days so I must remember my tolerance won’t be what it was!

If you’re still reading, thank you 🙏🏼

I remembered the theories and the different types, and now I am questioning if he has an attachment avoidant style. Everything I read describes him to the letter. Why didn’t I see this earlier? I will raise this with my counsellor during my next session.

Why do you think this would be helpful?

I think you are possibly, in grief, misusing your professional knowledge for a very personal situation.

It doesn't matter if he has an avoidant attachment style.

It doesn't matter why he is the way that he is.

You can't fix him.

He does not want to be fixed.

Let him go. You are worth more than he has to offer.

Entirely up to you, but if you want to read about attachment theories, Michelle Mays’ books are very good, give her a search on Amazon or similar. She does podcasts too and has a website.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, bad enough at any time of year but this season heightens everything and it will take a while to establish a new routine so be kind to yourself. From someone who only knows anything about you from what you’ve written, you seem a lovely person and it’s his loss . Take care of yourself.

It’s helpful because he is unable to give me any explanation whatsoever for his sudden decision to run to his parents and then decide 9 days later that he’s not coming home. It hurts, a lot, and the consequences for both of us are huge.

It’s also important that if I am right, that I am firm in my decision to not let him return - he won’t change.

This is so much more than depression. It’s not an affair, gambling, criminality, or drug use or anything similar that would be a dealbreaker for me. It’s confusion, it’s grief and I am trying to understand so that I can move on with my life and not carry any of this into a new relationship should that ever happen.

Thank you for your kind words, and reference to helpful materials. I will take a look

Isn’t what he is saying and doing pretty much the textbook script for an affair though? I would just assume that was the case and try to focus on yourself and your daughter now.

You're doing really well in the circumstances. Enjoy your Evening Op.

But your therapist would be unwise to diagnose or even explain someone else's behaviour to you that they are not in communications with.

They are only getting second hand accounts of his behaviour from you, it would be really unethical for them to make those judgement calls about why he has behaved the way he has without getting that information first hand from him.

I understand you want closure, but he's chosen his choices, now you have to put boundaries in place and say I am moving on I am not accepting this level of instability anymore, it is bad for me and it is bad for my child and I am putting us both first.

Hello op . Just wondering how you are ? Hope you are looking forward to Christmas.

read your post and just wanted to wish you a happy Christmas, it’s really difficult at this time of year for lots of us x

Thank you @SallyAny and @Ydkiml I am doing okay. I do feel stronger, and less emotional, with each passing day but I still feel a sense of loss and shock.

My DD and I are planning a lovely Christmas, and we are both looking forward to it.

I hear from my ex every few days. His last message was addressed ‘Hi Hon’ and was signed off with ‘big hugs and speak very soon’. I can shrug that off now, but I still find it odd.

I am making a conscious effort to keep in regular touch with our mutual friends. They still can’t believe what he has done, and I appreciate and respect their feelings around the situation so tend to change the subject!

I am often asked if I miss him. I miss what could have been, not the man he has become.

Here’s to Christmas being kind and peaceful to us all, and a happier 2026

You are doing great . Be proud of yourself . You are also showing a great example to your daughter how to be independent , strong , and positive. Yes stay in contact with the mutuals . I think by the time he regrets what he has done you’ll of moved on and wouldn’t consider him returning . I do think he has someone else male/female but he’s also still clinging onto you and checking up on you to see if you’re missing him and hoping for him to return . I’d grey rock him . You deserve better than him . Enjoy your Christmas . I have a funny feeling it’s going to be your best Christmas you’ve had for years !

No , I’ve changed my mind , don’t grey rock him , tell him to stop contacting you , he has a full circle around him he can learn on for support so let him do that . Of course he won’t , because I don’t think it’s his mental health , I think he’s left for someone else . So for that reason , you don’t owe him any support , loyality or care . Let him miss you .

@Ydkiml I am, I suppose, keeping him
on side purely because we have a mortgage together. I need to negotiate with him, because I don’t want to sell my beautiful home. However, I want him out of my life, but I do need to keep things amicable because unlike him (he ended the relationship via video call when he said he wasn’t coming home), I will want a face to face with him to discuss the house, because I am not a coward. I am determined to build my strength so that I can have that conversation without emotion, that’s how I will show him that I have moved on and he no longer has a place in my heart.

Should add that there is no evidence of anyone else, but if there is then I wish them
good luck - he won’t change.

Hi Op. Reading through your STBExH behaviour. Some posters have mentioned there could be someone else, but you don't think so. Could his recent mental health crisis be that he has realised he's gay? Something alot of people find hard in their circles to say .
Have a great Xmas with your DD.x