DP has walked out on me due to his MH. Help!

[Canwerecover]

I’m looking for advice and insight, and have name changed in case it is outing.

Together for 11 years, not married and no children, but I have a DC from my previous marriage. Have a mortgage together, house in joint names.

Two and a half weeks ago, DP broke down in tears and told me he is feeling really low. I encouraged him to see the GP and he was put on antidepressants and given links for talking therapy. He also has excellent and speedy access to support via his work.

DP has been taking the medication for two weeks, but he has not taken up the additional support offered. He can’t give me a reason for not accepting the help offered.

Our relationship is generally very good, we get along well, have a lovely home, lots of friends locally and I love doing life with him. I knew something wasn’t right (for about four weeks) and despite checking in regularly, he wouldn’t open up until that night when he broke down in tears.

I have been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving, with no demands, but this week has been hard. Tonight he was very distressed and told me he can’t be with me anymore. He’s left to stay in a hotel. He is adamant there is no one else
and I believe him.

The depression is seemingly a culmination of lots of things, he is negative about everything and is unable to see any positives yet there are many in his life. He cannot find joy in anything and has lost his spark. He has never felt this way before, apparently, but I have discovered that there is a family history. He is mid 50’s.

I don’t know what to feel. He is not himself, he is very unwell mentally and I don’t recognise him at the moment. Has anyone experienced this and is willing to share the outcome? I am preparing for the worst if I am honest.

MH professional here- Dont go jumping to conclusions of another woman/man it could be anything! regarding the medication, was he (and you) warned that starting antidepressants can make make you feel much much worse before they start to work properly - suicidal thoughts can intensify, I would be more worried about his safety than worrying about cause at the moment

I could have written your post myself OP re ex supposedly not loving me any more and "mental health" issues. Turned out ex H had been on fetish websites for some time had been dressing up in latex in hotels and taking numerous photos of himself.
I infiltrated the site he was on which was fet life and couldn't believe what I was seeing and hearing. The man on there couldn't possibly be my husband, the awful things he was saying about me with the encouragement of the others.
When I confronted him he engineered an argument and walked out. I was handed divorce papers a week later.
A year after the divorce he wanted to come back, he said it had all been a big mistake and the people he met at the club weren't worth leaving me for. I told him to get to fuck.
Im guessing he missed the easy life he had with me in my house and didn't much enjoy the rented bedsit fetish life.
He wasnt awarded anything in the divorce much to his shock becsuse I'd owned it all before we got married. He'd been expecting a big pay day.

I’m concerned that this happened two weeks into taking his antidepressants. They can lift your mood enough to be taking action again, while still being very low. I think he should see his GP again - though there’s not much you can do to make him. My husband once went missing for five days when he was psychotic.

Could you contact his GP, say that he has walked out 2 weeks after starting antidepressants and ask them to contact him for a review? Some GPs would respond to that, although they won’t tell you anything.

@Canwerecoveri don’t think this is the script but as a HCP I am concerned that he is alone in a hotel and as you said, no plan for beyond that. I think you need to get the hotel staff to do a check on him to make sure he hasn’t done anything to risk his life. Or even a police welfare check is suitable at this stage.

I see, sorry if I missed this before.

I dont think depression generally leads to not wanting to be with your partner and not wanting to get help (work/doctor)

Especially as hes only a few weeks into the depression. I don't think ending a relationship is usually the go to for newly depressed people

I'd definitely be at that hotel, knocking on his door

I'd also be taking the opportunity of him not being around, to get photos/screenshots of his investments/pension/payslips/savings etc

Just to add to my post and subsequent ones from hcp’s, 2 weeks of antidepressants can lift mood enough to motivate the person to harm themselves and going to a hotel etc is not unknown to actually do this as it is thought the person believes doing completing suicide in a place not associated to home etc is better for those they leave behind. I would advise a welfare check bybthe police.

Also what support have you got? Sane were the most helpful org for me as a carer if they’re still going. Or your own GP, or an employee welfare organisation if your work has one?

If you know what antidepressants he has been prescribed look them up
I would be surprised if they were effective in 2 weeks, it usually takes a good six
Look at possible side effects- some can make you feel worse before you feel better
It maybe they just aren’t the right ones for him - if he won’t consider counselling at least suggest a review of medication & they can go through it again

It is not clear what is causing the depression, all suggestions are possible but I have come across situations where men do in the throes of depression rent a hotel room to harm themselves. People saying they wouldn’t are irrelevant others definitely do. In my line of work I have seen it on multiple occasions. I would do a welfare check via the police. Isolation during depression is high risk behaviour and the period after starting medication can be a high risk period. You are clearly concerned and if it turns out in the future it was an affair etc that will require its own responses down the line but today you can just act on what you know now.

He's only been on the antidepressants 2 weeks. You saying "I have been nothing but patient...but this week has been hard" and the fact that you said you were on ADs for 4 weeks yourself - do make me wonder if you were expecting things to be better by now? It's really normal for it to take a while for things to get better when you have depression. My partner and I have both been on ADs for several YEARS. Two weeks in we'd be feeling worse not better as we'd still be titrating on to them.

That said, he could be having an affair. It's a pretty classic presentation. But I'm not sure I'd immediately jump to that conclusion.

I have a DH who struggles with depression. I know everyone is different but this isn’t really what the onset of an episode of low mood/depression looks like. Also DH informs me when he’s feeling unwell, we talk about it, look at home circumstances, anything we can change in the short term and treatment options etc.

Going from ok to suddenly withdrawn and Tearful overnight seems suspicious to me. I would also suspect strongly that there’s guilt rather than any other emotion involved.

Have you got any way of checking whether he actually was at a hotel?

I do believe anti depressants can take weeks to kick in and begin working, or may not be strong enough or to find the right one.When he has next review can you go with him. My own DM suffered with mental health from when I was 5, she would walk out, fortunately we were able to persuade her to come back and get her help, she couldn’t deal with how she felt and her instinct was to leave. She was diagnosed as manic depressive, but I believe it would be called bipolar now.

You’re right - but does a DH who is struggling with depression flit off to a hotel? Not usually. There’s too much inertia involved in depression to start discussing leaving a relationship.

I have been through similar a few times, out with police searching for my partner, worried about him, him going on rampages that were incredibly detrimental and hurtful, mainly to me. He had been crying telling me he didn't want to live, couldn't be with me, along with cheating. Sometimes through websites, sometimes randoms. Anti- depressants can give people a bit of extra oomph to act on desires, or people can be looking for any possible way to feel better, infatuation is often like self medicating with alcohol or drugs. As well as this, some people use their mental health as a way to garner empathy and manipulate, whilst they screw you over. If something like that has happened, and you forgive easily, it will likely happen again. Sometimes blessings look a lot like bullshit, and although I don't know what exactly is going on in your situation, please see yourself as a person too, imagine what you'd want for a loved one and treat yourself as well as you feel they'd deserve. Hoping for the best for you.

I'd bet my house on there being another woman. His behaviour is not like someone with depression and very like someone who is having an affair. Would he have the opportunity? Any 'work' trips or random nights out recently?

Thank you all so much for responding.

I can confirm that I reached out to one of his closest friends this morning, explained (briefly) what has happened and asked him to check in on my DP. I can see my DP has been active on WhatsApp in the last 45 minutes.

The GP told him the tablets could take 2-4 weeks to work, the leaflet said it could take up to 8 weeks. My own experience was back in 2018, was solely work related and it spurred me on to look for a new job which I successfully did and have been there ever since (and my MH has been good ever since, as it was before). The triggers for my DP seem vast and all consuming.

In terms of timescales, I would say this started around the end of September/beginning of October. It took him several weeks to open up and to be honest with me about his feelings. His/my/our friends will be shocked as and when they find out. I too am shocked, it’s hard to believe how much he has changed since this began.

Is there a risk the medication isn’t working yet or that he’s going through a period of feeling worse before feeling better?

There’s absolutely no risk to you to give all your support to him at this stage. The risk of listening to random comments on here about him having another women is that you miss helping a very sick partner and he does something stupid.

Are there any mental health or suicide prevention charities that have helplines you could call?

Sorry this is happening. It does seem unusual but I would check on his safety first, give him the benefit of the doubt. If you presume he’s cheating (which it feels like) and he’s not, you will never forgive yourself. Perhaps calmly tell him it’s not the end of the world if he has cheated and you can easily organise for you to go your separate ways. When I have struggled with low mood in the past I have leaned in to my husband and couldn’t imagine going off alone, I wouldn’t have had the reserve. You just need to be careful his intention is not to harm himself. Hope you find some peace to this situation soon. Take care. x

My ex behaved exactly the same way when he started hanging out with another woman.

It follows “the script”.

He never ended up with her but that was because he thought he was better than her. She was married at the time of their inappropriate relationship (we were still together) and wanted to get married to another man and have children straight away - which she did.

Weirdly enough he was only depressed when he was around me because he hated me and wanted to be with someone else.

The guy now has two children to his ex girlfriend and is living in a suburb so far from the city. It’s literally at the very end of the train line. Any money he has will likely be taken up by child support.

Can everyone saying “I bet there’s another woman” consider for a moment this man may be in a mental health crisis and that creating suspicion around him and urging the OP not to trust him is not only unhelpful but potentially dangerous. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50.

@Franjipanl8r Yes, all of this too. However incredibly naive to think that could be the only possibility. Support fully, whilst looking into every possibility.

Take steps to protect yourself now. If he comes back, bonus. If he doesn't, you're prepared

I think you have done the right thing OP in reaching out to his friend.

This may be a bit random but have a look at ROCD. Can be triggered at any time.

When DH was in a bad place recently he went to a hotel for a few days but he never spoke about leaving, he just wanted a break from day to day life to think about things, it wasn’t pleasant and I did make it clear that I wouldn’t even think of doing something like that but it’s what he needed. However your DH seems to be making big decisions with nothing to back them up. I’d be pushing for counselling on top of the drugs. I hope there isn’t someone else involved.