DP has walked out on me due to his MH. Help!

[Canwerecover]

I’m looking for advice and insight, and have name changed in case it is outing.

Together for 11 years, not married and no children, but I have a DC from my previous marriage. Have a mortgage together, house in joint names.

Two and a half weeks ago, DP broke down in tears and told me he is feeling really low. I encouraged him to see the GP and he was put on antidepressants and given links for talking therapy. He also has excellent and speedy access to support via his work.

DP has been taking the medication for two weeks, but he has not taken up the additional support offered. He can’t give me a reason for not accepting the help offered.

Our relationship is generally very good, we get along well, have a lovely home, lots of friends locally and I love doing life with him. I knew something wasn’t right (for about four weeks) and despite checking in regularly, he wouldn’t open up until that night when he broke down in tears.

I have been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving, with no demands, but this week has been hard. Tonight he was very distressed and told me he can’t be with me anymore. He’s left to stay in a hotel. He is adamant there is no one else
and I believe him.

The depression is seemingly a culmination of lots of things, he is negative about everything and is unable to see any positives yet there are many in his life. He cannot find joy in anything and has lost his spark. He has never felt this way before, apparently, but I have discovered that there is a family history. He is mid 50’s.

I don’t know what to feel. He is not himself, he is very unwell mentally and I don’t recognise him at the moment. Has anyone experienced this and is willing to share the outcome? I am preparing for the worst if I am honest.

I think it sounds textbook masking depression for men in their 40-50s.
it’s huge that he “cracked” and is open to help (albeit baby steps). I have lost friends who weren’t able to & OP is doing great.

triage has to be key here: if he is telling the truth (which I do believe he is), helping him through & avoiding self harm is the priority.

if I am wrong and he did cheat, at least he’s alive for the bollocking

Whatever is going on with her DP I think OP is behaving brilliantly in what is obviously a very distressing and difficult situation for her.

God you’ve done amazingly. Brilliant step to call 111 and get his consent to do that.

When Dh was ill I used to find it helpful to think about his illness as almost a separate thing from him, a thing that sometimes was making decisions for him, or certainly decisions he would never have made without it. I don’t really know whether that helped overall, and it certainly doesn’t mean you should put up with whatever happens without complaint, but it did mean I could leave some things in the past and move on when he was better. Stuff like him saying he didn’t think ds was his son. The illness wants him dead, essentially- it wanted my Dh dead and it wants others dead. It certainly wants them alone and shut into a room with no help.

Make sure you talk to ?your GP or your own support. Never agree not to tell other people what’s going on.

Good that you were able to call 111.

Those saying that he wouldn’t be capable of fleeing if he was that depressed are talking utter bollocks. This is quite a common reaction to SSRI treatment in the first few weeks - it’s not talked about enough. The ‘you’ll feel worse before you feel better’ sentence occasionally thrown out by health professionals does not do justice to exactly how much worse some people feel and in what way (because it varies).

Having a flight response when starting SSRIs is common

Hi OP great that you contacted the MH Team. GP review positive - she’ll refer to Secondary Mental Health if she feels it’s needed. He might be too depressed for talking therapies at the moment though.
Hope you and your DD can do something nice today.

Most of us fight that urge when giving in to it devastates a family.

I’m afraid my experience working in mental health says different.

And he went to a hotel - he didn’t ‘devastate’ a family.

Hi all, I am reading and appreciating every response and continue to be so grateful - thank you.

DP left again this afternoon and has gone to his parents. There was little point in me trying to talk him out of going, but reiterated (for the billionth time) that he is loved by me and is not a burden and I’m here for the long haul. Nonetheless he went and I felt a sense of relief. I hate myself for saying that, but I am so, so exhausted.

I really do need to be selfish, I am not eating, my sleep is poor and aside from walking the dog, my typical exercise routine has gone out the window. As a result I feel depleted and out of sorts.

My DD and I have put the Christmas decorations up. We decided that it would be good for us both and brings some much needed sparkle and twinkling of lights. It’s only a week earlier than planned and we’re so glad we did.

I am trying to take comfort in thinking he is in full on flight mode and I liken him to a headless chicken. His thoughts are chaotic, fragmented and dysfunctional and the impact on all those around him is profound. I don’t know what the future looks like, but I have a plan for myself and my DD should it be needed and that’s a comfort to me.

Thank you, sadly he has gone to another county to stay with his parents but I was really hoping he would see his GP tomorrow for a medication review and general check in. I did express concern about this, but his urge to go was too great

Your response has really struck a chord with me and is very much how I feel. I too am trying to remember that I am not dealing with my DP, I am dealing with the demons that have taken over his mind.

Thank you for being so kind, I have done my absolute best so far, but am grateful for the break from it all. I hope I get my DP ‘back’ but it feels very bleak at the moment. But, I also have so much to be grateful for, and I need to keep sight of all those things and people in my life that bring me so much joy

Thank you, it is incredibly difficult

Well, if gratitude helps you then great, but I hope you have someone to talk to where you can say how absolutely diabolically extremely shit this is, without feeling you have to also say you have a lot to be thankful for.

You’re not in your right mind when it happens and the depression is making the decisions, not you as a rational human being. You want out, away, unburdening everyone of you. It feels right, and best, in the moment/throes of it. Like the kindest & best thing to do for those around you. You feel worthless, burdensome, loathsome, hideous and in the way. You’r helping those around you by not being there.
That’s the voice of depression for quite a few - me included.

It wasn’t my experience of depression, hence my comment.

Hope you’re doing ok this morning @Canwerecover , just keep putting one foot in front of the other and I hope things resolve a bit soon, I know it won’t be an instant fix. Do you have someone irl you can talk to, you really should. I spoke to a few girlfriends when my DH was dealing with stuff, the ones who would go wtf! Because I needed the back up that it was ok to feel mad at the same time as being very worried about him.

Then say that. Don’t say “most” as “most” is not your experience please. And don’t say we’re “devastating families” - when it’s the depression & not us in our right mind. It’s shit enough already without added guilt.

Thank you, I have several people IRL that I am talking to and they are all great and their different perspectives are helpful too! I have put my weekends on hold since this all began but I am making plans for next weekend regardless of whether he is here or not.

I feel more positive this morning, but that’s mostly because I keep thinking that something far worse could be happening to me right now. This storm will pass, and if it truly gets too much, then I can walk away because we are not married and we don’t have any children together.

A month from today it will be Christmas Eve, and I am excited for that and need to focus on buying gifts and making sure my DD and I have the best Christmas regardless of the total crap that is going on. Ultimately I can’t control my DP, but I can control my response and am working hard to detach myself emotionally for the time being. It may be that I can’t come back from this, but it’s too early to say.

You have a wonderful attitude OP.

It's realy refreshing to hear on MN someone who balances caring with such a rational and practical approach to their life and problems.

Totally agree, great attitude.
Hope it all works out for you OP, all the best xx

I really hate to add to the echoes of affair but this was my exact experience when my husband was embroiled in the beginnings of an emotional affair. The fleeing and depression/anxiety was due to a total incongruence with the man he believed himself to be and the way he had behaved and the hurt he knew was to come when he inevitably had to be honest and answer the difficult questions. It was a total identify crisis for him as someone who had placed so much importance on being a good man, being kind and supportive to this woman whilst actually pushing boundaries and hurting me immensely. He couldn't face me and wanted to flee because he couldn't deal with the effects of his actions. Or that I'd look at him differently.

I really hope this isn't the case for you. I really really do but the tale is strikingly familiar.

I’m sorry that happened to you, it’s not uncommon, to be honest, I’ve known of a suicide by an unfaithful husband because he couldn’t live with what he’d done to his wife and children. Terribly sad.
My husband had an affair and on discovery nearly had a breakdown and struggled with shame/ regret/ remorse really badly. It was compounded by the fact that he couldn’t escape the fact that he chose it and was responsible for it and had ruined his life.
However, at present I think OP should deal with it at face value, it’s very clearly a mental health issue that has come to a crisis point, no matter what underpins it.
OP I think you have the right attitude, you can do no more until he starts to take full responsibility for his own wellbeing, chooses to accept the support being offered and seeks proper help.
As I’ve said before, you put your own life jacket on before helping anyone else put on theirs. And they have to want to put it on.
Your strength is an inspiration OP.

For those still following… DP is still at his parents, but has sought help via his employer and that will start very soon, and has had a telephone consultation with his GP (no change to meds or dose). When we spoke yesterday, he seemed much brighter, less so this morning. I do hope there is a glimmer of light though and I have asked if we can meet on Sunday and he is up for that and I think our dog would love to see him!

I found an article yesterday, I could have written it as it absolutely describes our situation and I shared it with my DP and he agrees. I feel that insight is so important. Here’s the link for anyone going through similar:

https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/when-a-depressed-partner-falls-out-of-love

I have had moments of strength this week, then despair, and then an overriding desire to walk away and live on my own with DD and have a fresh start! My sleep is awful (my new Oura ring is very accurate!) and I really need to improve this as my resilience is being affected as a result.

I have asked DP to give thought to coming home as I don’t think this distance is healthy, or helpful, and I think routine and familiarity will help his mind in the longer term. My fear is that the longer he is gone and the longer I cope just fine on my own, the harder it will be for him to return.

That’s a very good article and absolutely relevant to your experience, OP.
He sounds like he’s being more pro-active and you must continue to do the same with yourself, prioritise your own health and make sure you are factoring in things that bring you pleasure.
How you reconnect and even decide if you want to reconnect, will evolve naturally as he gets better, with time.
Don’t worry about the future currently, I know that’s easy to say, but depression isn’t a linear recovery and progress can only be measured over time, one bad day doesn’t mean the previous two good days didn’t happen or weren’t ’real’, it’s a roller coaster for a while, but the roller coaster will even out and there will be more good days than bad as he recovers.
You’ll arrive at ‘the future’ one day at a time and how you will both feel then can’t be predicted, so there’s no point pondering on and worrying about something that’s not certain or predictable or controllable. Stick with what you can control rather than stressing yourself out speculating.
Live in the moment at present and welcome all the good things in your life and celebrate any progress he might make. Remember that the not so good days are down to an illness and that he’s a different man when not in the grip of this horrible affliction. Take great care of yourself.

It's good to read some progress is being made, OP.