DP has walked out on me due to his MH. Help!

[Canwerecover]

I’m looking for advice and insight, and have name changed in case it is outing.

Together for 11 years, not married and no children, but I have a DC from my previous marriage. Have a mortgage together, house in joint names.

Two and a half weeks ago, DP broke down in tears and told me he is feeling really low. I encouraged him to see the GP and he was put on antidepressants and given links for talking therapy. He also has excellent and speedy access to support via his work.

DP has been taking the medication for two weeks, but he has not taken up the additional support offered. He can’t give me a reason for not accepting the help offered.

Our relationship is generally very good, we get along well, have a lovely home, lots of friends locally and I love doing life with him. I knew something wasn’t right (for about four weeks) and despite checking in regularly, he wouldn’t open up until that night when he broke down in tears.

I have been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving, with no demands, but this week has been hard. Tonight he was very distressed and told me he can’t be with me anymore. He’s left to stay in a hotel. He is adamant there is no one else
and I believe him.

The depression is seemingly a culmination of lots of things, he is negative about everything and is unable to see any positives yet there are many in his life. He cannot find joy in anything and has lost his spark. He has never felt this way before, apparently, but I have discovered that there is a family history. He is mid 50’s.

I don’t know what to feel. He is not himself, he is very unwell mentally and I don’t recognise him at the moment. Has anyone experienced this and is willing to share the outcome? I am preparing for the worst if I am honest.

Just to say:
you are doing GREAT! And the tide WILL turn: it sounds like he sat on his low moods masking & coping for quite a while & when he got the help was quite lethargic / numb with it all. When that lifts with Sertraline, you have to pass through “Mordor” where you CAN feel stuff again, but it won’t be ny nice stuff (hence AD can make you feel “worse”. You’re in fact coming back up or out through the fog of depression and all the shit feelings it carries. Through those crappy weeds though lies the further increased seratonin, better resilience, less anxiety & more perspective.
He may be in the thick of it right now, but he came home, he wants to talk to you and this is progress and a “glimmer” (although in the surface it just looks like shit really :))

I’m a “flighter” too - it sucks when it happens. But can also say hand on heart, it’s never ever been about an affair, just self loathing, dark thoughts and wanting to get away.

There is 100% a risk that the medication can make him feel worse before it starts working.

When I started my meds, I went from just tired, numb and unmotivated to pushing everybody away and actively suicidal.

When I rang my GP to say I don't think these meds are working for me, he said really non chalantly that more depression and suicidal ideation are known and well documented side effects, so for the first few weeks you can actually seem like you're getting worse, but that's why it's important to be open with the GP about your symptoms because they need to assess risk based off of what they know to be clinically true about the medication you're taking.

I think OP must be in such a horrible limbo right now of wanting to respect his need for space and worry, but I think that's all she can do right now and it's a hard place to be in.

It's so hard. I've been through this with my dh. No other woman involved in any sense.
Eventually I got help from the crisis team, but it took a fight.

Men let things get very bad before seeking help unfortunately.

This - particularly if they’re SSRIs.

I’ve been on various anti depressants and am currently on sertraline. It took much longer to get into my system, made me feel worse initially but now is great.

I know lots of people feel the same and it took about 3/4 weeks for it to tip into good

I am going to assume he's being completely honest. my experience in my extended family with depression is that it's almost always more complicated than "am depressed. take meds". You've said yourself you still had to do a lot of hard work.

I also think that severe episodes can be brought on/exacerbated by something so I'd be wondering if there's something else going on - a tough time at work that he's not telling you about, a financial issue, a family member in distress etc. ot, as others have said, if there's something deep down he's finally finding he has to acknowledge or recognise but isn't able toa ctually do so yet.

The problem is that it's all very well taking the meds, but he has to do the work. And with a good workplaces option, it's completely unacceptable that he's not engaging with seeking therapy etc.

This isn’t true for everyone. When I had a severe depressive episode some years ago I didn’t want my partner anywhere near me, and the only reason I didn’t finish with him was because I had been through depression several times before and knew it might not be the right decision. I really didn’t want to deal with anyone. He put up with a lot at that time! We are still (happily) together many years later.

My first thought was 'affair' but your later comments suggest otherwise. Don't rule it out tho, do some observation and a little digging so you don't get blindsided, but do keep an open mind.

Men do let medical things get really bad before they will seek help - sadly it's one of those well known toxic masculinity / male socialisation things.

If his mind is ill it can't be expected to function properly, same as any other organs, and sadly if decisions, behaviour, personality, choices etc are being done by an unwell mind there's going to be trouble.

Ensure his family and friends know what's happening and that you're supportive, there for him etc.

If he gets really bad it may need escalating to psychiatric hospital help.

I’d get my ducks in a row just in case. A lot of men don’t usually go from being in a partnership to being alone. Just look at how many widowed men move on so quickly.

I hope it is a case of him working through his mental health but safeguard yourself.

Men are notorious for pretending everything is OK when it isn't. The few men that I have come across that committed suicide had given their loved ones no iclination that they were this depressed. So it is likely he has been feeling down but trying to hold it all together for some time. There is probably a bit of male menopause going on here, and perhaps he is questioning everything in his life. Give him space and love. Let him know you understand he needs some time on his own but that you hope he will come back soon because you can tackle this together better than him trying to manage on his own. Give him one month.

I was buying it until he came in and sa8d he wanted to go and stay with his parents.
If you felt all withdrawn and helpless why would you go and worry your parents instead of just taking some time for yourself or at home?
He could be very upset out of guilt and the realisation that he is pulling the trigger on a relationship that has meant a lot to him.
I just dont think a grown adult goes tk crash with their parents when they're feeling down when they have a loving partner and kid at home

Yeah the parents is odd. Sorry. Is he very close to them? Does he think he will get more space there? What is his reasoning (logical or not) for going there?

Going to his parents for protection because he knows already the roof is about to cave in on you OP.
Immature, selfish, coward.
Please get your ducks in a row ASAP, he already is one step ahead. You need to be quick and smart now.

I’m on day 30 of taking sertraline. For the first two weeks, I actually felt worse as my brain chemistry adjusted - I was numb, constantly tearful, and honestly felt like I could have walked away from anything in a heartbeat.

For me, the turning point was around day 21. It was like the trees suddenly looked green again instead of grey. I’m slowly feeling better now, but it really does take time.

This is just my personal experience, but I hope it helps.. Please don't forget to take care of yourself. Sending you my best wishes💛

Hi op, i had similar with my partner, however his situation led to a diagnosis of UEPD. We got through it in the end but it took time and a lot of help.
He was put on anti depressants to start with and if anything, they made him feel worse. They also led to ED which knocked him even more. It took a long time to access counselling services and that didnt help at all. We dropped lucky and found out about a mental health access hub one day. Called them, They assessed him over the phone within 4 hours of the call, then had him in the next day to see a psychiatrist. From there, so many options became available to him along with his diagnosis.
Your husband really needs to reach the point of being open to accessing help beyond medication.

The main thing that stood out to me in your post was the amount of questions you have fired off at him when he came home today. I get its coming from a good place and trying to help make him feel cared for, and maybe it has done that for him. But from my experience it did the opposite. The questions and the fussing round made him feel worse and overwhelmed which led to further shutdown. I'd tread carefully with asking things and let him come to you and be the one to speak about it.

Definetly recommend googling ' your local trust name mental health access hub' and see if theres one in your area. The one we used you could self refer and it was all very quick. Some ive seen you have to be referred by a professional so GP or maybe 111 mental health option are able to do this.

Hi OP I posted a couple of weeks ago in Mental Health as my DP has sudden onset anxiety and depression and this been for about a month now. His antidepressant has just been increased again. I was worried about your husband because he was not just thinking irrationally but in moving to the hotel he’s acting on these thoughts and I’m so glad he’s back.
People can be too depressed to use talking therapies so don’t worry that this is a bad sign.
You did absolutely the right thing to ask him if he was thinking of taking his life. People take their lives because they start to think irrational thoughts that grow arms and legs eg they are worthless, their loved ones will be better off without them, nothing will get better. If he can put his dark thoughts into words, even just a few words, it reduces the grip of these sort of thoughts.
Just telling him you love him, he’s ill, he will get better you’re there for him will make a massive difference.
I agree it’s a good idea to ring his GP for advice on Monday.
Please don’t think that this won’t lift because I am sure it will, but it may be a few weeks or even months.
What are you saying to your DC? I’ve been open with my teen son as I don’t want him to think that we live in a world where someone can be so sad and changed and it’s not a big deal.
Im rooting for you and your family.
I’ll come and look for your post from time to time if you update.

I would wonder if he's had his head turned - and is finding it a big shock. As in, he thought you were his one and only, he loves you... and then suddenly there's someone else (not necessarily returning any affection and he's not necessarily done any more than just admire from a distance) and the whole feeling about 'what if?' has shaked him to the core? It can be enough to send some men into huge doubts about their current relationship which can spark off a MH crisis.

I would take steps to independently rule out an affair. If that means snooping so be it.

A few days ago you’d have probably been certain he had no plans to leave yet he has suddenly announced he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You wouldn’t be the first woman to be offering care and support to a man who appears depressed but who is actually overwhelmed by his affair.

Thank you again, all of the comments are so useful and those sharing personal experiences are greatly appreciated.

It has felt incredibly intense today, but I eventually gained his consent to call 111 and speak to the mental health team on his behalf. I know I didn’t necessarily need his consent, but it felt like the right thing to do. It took a lot of persuasion and explanation regarding the benefits of taking such action. I am so glad I made the call, the team were excellent and it was reassuring to me to know how to reach them. They spoke to my DP too, whilst he was masking some of his feelings, he did really well and I told him how proud I am of him. He told me he felt good for talking to the c

His GP has been asked to review the meds and make a referral for a greater support, however DP has also promised to take up
the support offered through his work.

I have given him a lot of space since then, I needed a break too so I can only imagine how he feels. He is at home for now, but his flight reaction is still a threat and I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but I am breaking each day down into chunks.

Couple of answers to previous queries, I understand the question about fleeing to his parents and I also feel this odd. I really don’t feel comfortable going into the dynamics, but they live in the next county to us and his time with them is important to him and I won’t interfere with that. My DD is awesome, she has a wise head and is very intuitive. However, I am her mother and whilst I am being honest and realistic I am trying to also be her strength too. Finally, I do have my ducks in a row, I am very aware that it’s not sustainable to put everything and everyone before my own needs for an indefinite period of time. But, for now, it is my default to be everyone’s strength.

Why do you live in such an expensive area?
This will not help with the stress.

I don’t think this is at all helpful to the OP at the moment.

I think he’s lying sorry. Most depressed people don’t leave to go to a hotel.

Apologies but also think he's making a ridiculous back story. Handhold and look for plus accept support.

If he wants to go to his parents you should let him.

I do.
Seems you know less than you think.