DP has walked out on me due to his MH. Help!

[Canwerecover]

I’m looking for advice and insight, and have name changed in case it is outing.

Together for 11 years, not married and no children, but I have a DC from my previous marriage. Have a mortgage together, house in joint names.

Two and a half weeks ago, DP broke down in tears and told me he is feeling really low. I encouraged him to see the GP and he was put on antidepressants and given links for talking therapy. He also has excellent and speedy access to support via his work.

DP has been taking the medication for two weeks, but he has not taken up the additional support offered. He can’t give me a reason for not accepting the help offered.

Our relationship is generally very good, we get along well, have a lovely home, lots of friends locally and I love doing life with him. I knew something wasn’t right (for about four weeks) and despite checking in regularly, he wouldn’t open up until that night when he broke down in tears.

I have been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving, with no demands, but this week has been hard. Tonight he was very distressed and told me he can’t be with me anymore. He’s left to stay in a hotel. He is adamant there is no one else
and I believe him.

The depression is seemingly a culmination of lots of things, he is negative about everything and is unable to see any positives yet there are many in his life. He cannot find joy in anything and has lost his spark. He has never felt this way before, apparently, but I have discovered that there is a family history. He is mid 50’s.

I don’t know what to feel. He is not himself, he is very unwell mentally and I don’t recognise him at the moment. Has anyone experienced this and is willing to share the outcome? I am preparing for the worst if I am honest.

Is he on sertraline? In my first couple of weeks on that I felt absolutely frantic, definitely worse than I was already feeling. I remember wishing I hadn't had my children because I couldn't bear the world I'd brought them into with the mother they had (ie me)

I really only started to feel "better" after about 4 weeks .or so. When I started another course a few years later the GP gave me a low dose of valium to "cover" that awful adjustment period.

So yes I would prioritise his safety right now and you have done the right thing to reach out to a friend to check on him. I would try to let him know you don't need to talk to him at all, but he needs to talk to someone who can assure you he is safe.

If it turns out he is more or less in his "right mind" then clearly the marriage has problems, as pointed to by his flight. But you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

No harm in doing some financial admin this weekend, making lists and records of documents and policies. You may be going to need it, and it's important to be on top of all those things anyway.

Not every problem means there is another women for god sake.

This sounds exactly what happened with my ex, he swore blind there was no one else, I also believed him.

Turned out in the end that there was someone else and there had been for months.

I'm sorry OP but was in almost the exact same situation and it was an affair. FWIW we're still together.

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope it was explained to him that when starting anti depressants and each time the dose is increased the anxiety / depression can get worse before it gets better.

I don't think it sounds like another woman to me @Canwerecover. I think he's left it till he's got to breaking point and should of talked to his GP much sooner. Maybe when the medication kicks in he will be able to explain further. Sorry you are going through this.

He is adamant there is no one else and I believe him.

Tale as old as time.

It does sound like it could be another woman. Everyone I know whose husband has left to be with another woman has behaved in exactly the same way - there were signs that something was off, leading up to a mental health crisis and the husband leaving to get some space to deal with his mental health issues and then the OW appeared.

However, it could be that he's feeling worse because of starting the medication. It feels worse before it gets better.

There's not a lot you can do really because only time will tell whether he will come back to you or not. And during this time you will also have space to decide what you want and what you do in various situations, such as if he wants to return; if he's having an affair and decides to end it and return; or if he decides he wants to leave permanently.

I agree that a depressed person doesn’t usually up and leave their home and partner, unless there is more going on than [sudden onset and very acute] depression but given all the OP shares with the DP is a mortgage none of the financial stuff is relevant? She has not rights to his savings and investments etc.

If he is leaving she needs to speak to an independent mortgage advisor to explore buying DP out and to workout what downsizing might look like with her share of the house if they have to sell it. She also needs to work out what the impact may be of having to take on 100% of bills etc. Unsure what age her DC are, but if she and DP have been together 11 years I am guessing they are at least teenagers or perhaps young adults, so priority may be ensuring they are not impacted.

I do agree with this however most people in the throws of depression want the support of their loved ones so I guess that is what people find odd.

OP when he says he can't be with you anymore is that because he does not want you to have to go through this with him or that he is doubting his feelings for you and the marriage? There is a huge difference between the two.

When I struggle mentally with my depression that’s exactly my pattern and “out”. I leave, I want to leave, book a hotel, take myself away from the whole sorry mess etc etc.
So I do get that part as it’s “normal” behaviour for me when the antidepressants don’t quite work. It happens a lot less often now, but my kneejerk response is definitely that when low/having a particularly shit time mentally.

my main concern is this: recent new job, mid50s , male and depressed = Whilst he says he’s not suicidal etc, he is prime age & gender for it statistically. Please check on him!

Female here but other than my “I’ll leave/take myself away to a hotel etc” pattern, I do have suicidal ideation sometimes (always leaving it very much at the thought!!!) and I do deny it if asked.

Not true. I retreat, leave,don’t want to be near any support. Very strong & immediate reaction, pattern & wish.
most of my friends (mainly males who will talk about depression at all) are the same. Retreat, retreat, retreat.
Sort of part & parcel of the whole depression ride really.

I am sorry Sertraline was a rocky ride to start with. It took a while before I felt any “glimmers” here too. Feeling mostly like myself now, but can definitely feel the seasonal impact right now and may need to adjust for winter.

Been there, yes it was the start of an emotional affair. The cognitive dissonance of betraying your family takes a toll on your mental health.

We are all different aren't we? For me I want my loved ones around me it is the things that helps pull me out of the dark hole, to feel their love and warmth.

OP you need to try and find what will help you DH, if he will let you. I don't think everyone shouting affair is necessary correct though it is always the go to on here (a lot of the times they are right but not always). I hope your DH can get the support he needs.

Either way, it’s horrid when it happens. I’ve learned to wait for the “wave” to pass to a point where I can then talk about it, but initially still want to get away/out etc. I’m glad you do it differently.

And yeah, at the end of it all for OP, it could be an OW but I’d act in order of priority here which would be his recent AD prescription after finally admitting to needing help, the possibility of MH being worse right now (out of depressed apathy to depressed and able to act.) and ensure he is safe.
If it does turn out to “just” be an affair, then at least he is safe & hasn't harmed himself.

This was my ex H - crying etc. He left. He resumed an affair he had been having. Stayed in a hotel nearby initially. They spark fear into their nearest and dearest and don't give a shit.

When he comes back ask him to hand over his phone. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

To come at this from an angle other than "he must be cheating", I struggled with depression most of my adult life which compounded in 2022 with an almost complete breakdown.

I got put on Sertraline and for the first 6 weeks I was worse on it, and at one point I had an "I can't do this anymore" moment and left home to stay in a hotel for a few nights. There definitely wasn't another person, just a lot of overwhelming thoughts and a deep self loathing that lead me to thinking "I can't inflict myself on my partner anymore it's not fair". In my skewed mind I thought I was doing the right thing.

It took several months and two medication changes for me to normalise and actually start getting better.

Depression isn't a single headed beast and just because no one on here has ever experienced a "flight" response to it, doesn't mean that doesn't exist. I've done it three times in my life as a result of depression, once so bad I left the country trying to get away from myself.

You know your husband better than anyone on here ever will OP. Could it be an affair? Yeah, not saying otherwise. But it could just as easily be an avoidant man who is used to putting up a front trying to escape from his problems rather than face the fact that it's got too much for him.

Wishing you both the best of luck and the most positive outcome possible 💐

So many women think their H will never have an affair ... but guess what? They do.

He’s home, for now. Thank you again for all
the responses, it’s a real comfort and giving me lots to think about too.

DP came home an hour ago to collect some
belongings and planned to head to his parents for a few days. He came in crying, he looks awful.

I asked him if leaving had made him feel better, or ‘relieved’, he said no. I asked him, on a scale of 1-10 how he is feeling and it’s an 8/9 out of 10 (10 is bad). He is on Sertraline.

i have asked him if he would consider calling the crisis team, or give me consent to do so on his behalf, he said no. I asked if he would like to speak to a mental health helpline, he said no, he only wants to speak to me. I am happy to talk to him, but I am not qualified (I don’t think a Level 2 Counselling qualification helps much!).

I have told him how loved he is, how much I’d rather he stayed here at home and I support him through this time as best I can. I am coming at it from an angle of friendship with no want or expectation on my part.

Someone mentioned contacting his GP, and as much as I may feel like I am overstepping, I am actually going to do this because how else will they know how bad things are for him at the moment.

I have left him to rest in bed, I am going to crack on with cleaning which always makes me feel calmer and happier (I know, I am weird).

I truly don’t believe he is having an affair, right now if that was the case he wouldn’t be as upset as he is. There is absolutely nothing to suggest he is, my DC sometimes uses his phone (we know each other’s passwords) and she is adamant that there’s nothing to suggest an OW.

I do feel out of my depth at the moment, I think I can keep him safe but I am very mindful of the stats for men of his age.

Thank you for being so candid about your experience. It has really resonated with me as this best describes my DP at the moment and he is taking Sertraline. Thank you

It’s catastrophic for us both financially (we live in an expensive area of the country)

Why do you live in such an expensive area?
This will not help with the stress.

Does one of you have anywhere else to live temporarily?

I would suggest that one of you moves out until after Xmas.
Then after Xmas consider selling and moving to a cheaper area to remove the financial burden of you both.

Forcing yourselves to stay together isn’t going to help.
Although it’s depression, he needs to miss you and know that he could lose you.
But I wouldn’t be harsh on him.

I would suggest a break until after Xmas and then make a plan going forward.

I agree with the poster about it triggering a flight response.

Depression makes me not want to see or speak to anyone, as well as other things.
The best solution for me would be to run away where no one knows where I am, I don’t have to speak to anyone and no one knocks on my door.

You just want to shut everyone out.

Your DH may be cheating but nothing you’ve said makes me think that.
Sometimes MNers can jump to this conclusion on most threads.

Did he say why he wants to be at his parents and not at home? I understand wanting to retreat and be alone, but why is it more comforting for him to be at his parents? Did he vocalise why?

This sounds very hard on you I'm sorry.

Firstly, I am sorry you are experiencing this. It must be such a worry and I can only imagine how you are feeling worried for his mental health and then having a load of strangers convincing you he is having an affair.

He may well be having an affair but I think right now, you need to take him at face value as he may well be in crisis.
It is not unusual for someone to withdraw and isolate themselves when they are depressed or in crisis.

I think the priority is his mental health and him knowing there is support out there. I think you have done the right thing in involving his friend. Is there any other friends/family members you can involve? Having a support network is really important in maintaining our mental health.

It is maybe worth considering a police welfare check. I would recommend sending him some numbers such as breathing space, and SHOUT and encouraging him to reach out to them for someone to talk to. SHOUT is a crisis text service he may prefer rather than actual talking. Is there any men's mental health support groups in your area? I would recommend encouraging him to open up to a friends/family members. Is there somewhere else he could go that would mean he is more likely to keep himself safe/feels supported such as a family members house or a friend?

It's really important you look after yourself too in all this. Have you got people to speak with? People you can spend the day with?