How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

How many male colleagues do you see and talk to on the phone that much out of work? Who you say you can talk to about most things? And who you describe as being “part of my life now and very dear to me”?

Not many I imagine……

As you often see said on here, when it comes to men making “new friends” at work, it’s never an older gentleman called James is it? It’s always a female….

You need to picture your life without your wife, as this is where this is heading. As you read that sentence did this ‘friend’ as a replacement pop into your head? hmm bet she did - stop being so fucking disingenuous, you will reap what you sow for sure.

I don’t see any problem with a male and female friendship as long as no lines get crossed.
for your wife maybe meeting the friend would help her as sometimes people minds fabricate stories and she might feel insecure due to this or it could be how much you enjoy your new friendship if there’s problems in your marriage insecurities usually come from some where

Sorry OP you solve this by ending your friendship

Stop speaking to your friend out of work. Stop investing time in your new friendship. Start investing time in your marriage. Maybe try counselling. These so called friendships can easily head into affair terriority. Stop having your ego stroked. Put your wife first. Sick to death of hearing how men just thinkvof themselves all the time. Can guarantee that your friend will be thinking more than friendship. Get a grip.

Your wife isn’t being irrational. Grow up and end your emotional affair.

Consider why you’re willing to jeopardise your marriage for a new work friend.

This.

Women tend to have a sense for these things and your wife sees that your attention and probably attraction has been directed away from her.

I think you are fooling yourself tbh.

Really?
Of course you'd be happy with your wife having long emotional chats on the phone with a male colleague she's spent all day with?
You don't do a hobby too with her by any chance?

The issue is that he's already putting this "new friend" above his wife.

You are having an emotional affair. You are talking to her about things you can’t or won’t talk to your wife about.

and that is what you aren’t seeing. You are well we haven’t done anything and won’t do anything physical and see cheating in those terms and not the emotional ones

You do NOT have to keep chatting on the phone from home to a colleague however much you like her. It’s an emotional affair and you’re being cruel letting your wife know all about it while denying her any right to object.

You need to recognise that another woman is taking a place in your life that your wife used to.

This. Men have different relationships with women than they have with men. They chat about everything and anything. When dh and I started having trouble he’d come in after a big long batter with a work colleague on Teams and then barely talk to me. He’d said it all already. Within weeks I knew nothing about the little things and then he’d get irritated catching me up. Within months we just basically co parented. No conversation, no laughs.

Your having an emotional affair - end it or you will loose your wife.

THIS!

You are having an emotional affair with this “friend”. You are being unfaithful and your wife is right to be upset about it.

I agree with this. Why are you putting a friendship and another women in front of your wife?

There are so many threads on mn where it’s started off as a friendship then emotional affair.All men behaving exactly how you are right now.

You have already started taking steps in being disloyal to your wife by making her upset about the friendship and you are asking us to help enable you. No thanks! Sorry I’m a woman’s woman and advocate your wife. She must be so disappointed in you.

Perhaps your wife thought that when your kids left home the two of you would become closer and spend more time together socially and chatting together?

I expect your wife is at a stage in her life where the nurturing years are winding down and now she's thinking of her future. What you think is irrational and moody is her finding that you're not coming up to the mark and instead are mooning about like a teenager over another woman.

End this friendship, concentrate on your marriage or you might find that your wife will find herself "a new friend (who is a --man)".

Same old same old. This is how affairs begin and your wife is not stupid. Give her some credit ffs. Your children have left home you say? You’ve probably been taking your wife for granted for years. She’s unhappy with this new interest of yours and with good reason. I’m surprised that your colleague has not thought it inappropriate to be seeing you and communicating with you outside of work. Have you spun the line that your wife doesn’t understand you and you’re really unhappy at home? Tell the truth. You want some excitement and the feeling that a relationship is new and fresh. You don’t want to hurt your wife. Concentrate on your marriage and rediscover your original best friend. Fall in love with her again. You are already hurting her. Stop.

This.
I cannot believe its even a question.
Who is most important to you?
Wife?
Or 'friend'?

What did you want, everyone on here to say 'ooh, it's fine. Keep upsetting your wife, you're so sweet to ask'?
We see through you from one post, so I'm pretty sure your wife knows what she's talking about.

Ok, so in case you don’t realise, you’re doing with your friend what you should be doing with your wife.

I doubt your wife is jealous, I bet she’s pissed off that you’ve been together for decades with all that invested emotional effort and time and you’re trotting off to socialise with someone you work with and enjoy chatting to after work which means you’re not doing it with her.

Affairs aren’t just about sex. I think many men don’t realise that. Think about your relationship with your wife and how you consider her. Is it just based on sex or is there a whole load of other feelings involved? Going off and just shagging someone is awful and is a betrayal, but having an emotional affair is worse IMHO. Sex can be just sex, but sharing and enjoying an emotional connection and closeness with someone who isn’t your spouse is a massive betrayal that I don’t think I could come back from.

Yes, people can have friends of the opposite sex without anything happening but it’s really easy to cross boundaries without realising you’re doing it. What sort of things do the two of you do together when you’re socialising? When you’re out, would people think you’re a couple?

Think about what “jealous” means:

feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages

Your wife shouldn’t be put in the position of being envious of the relationship someone else has with her husband.

If you think you are completely justified in having this friendship and are unwilling to change anything then I can guarantee you will be spending your latter years on your own and will have absolutely no idea why your wife suddenly decided she wanted a divorce after so many years of being happily married. Women, eh?

"Have you spun the line that your wife doesn’t understand you and you’re really unhappy at home?"

She's irrational, jealous, unhappy and moody.
I don’t recognise her sometimes.
We haven't been happy for a year now.
I have a good time with you.
I can talk to you.

These are the lines you've spun us OP. How are you telling this story to your dear friend? Does your dear friend think this is innocent - because I imagine she thinks you're pursuing her.

The faux naïveté in your post @BobbityBib is repellent. Of course you know why your wife is worried. Did you really think we’d sanction your likely affair?

@BobbityBib so are you and your wife not getting along due to your new friend .
Or did the new friend come along to fill a void as you and your wife aren’t getting along ?

@BobbityBib do you speak to your male colleagues on the phone outside of work?