How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too

To go from new work colleague to a "very dear friend" who is now "part of my life" in a short space of time is not a simple friendship. You are expressing emotions that are more intense than simple friendship. You said you can " talk to her about anything" which means deep conversations not banter over the water cooler.

I'm assuming you have other women friends? And your wife has no problem? Take a moment to think about what's been different in this case.

Your level of emotional investment indicates it's an emotional relationship not work colleague mate.

How much younger than you is your new 'friend'? You sound desperate to justify yourself holding on to this new relationship. To the point that you are happy to see your wife miserable. If I were her and you asked me to meet your new woman I would take it that you wanted me/us to do the pick me dance for you. And I would look for other options / a new friend of my own. Your new friend will lose interest in you soon enough and you will be alone. TBH if I were your wife I would already be reducing my emotional engagement with you and considering my next steps.

I have friends who are male at work. I'm mindful of appropriate levels of contact and closeness and am respectful first and foremost to my husband.
If you're wife is uncomfortable then I think you should take that on board.

If it's all innocent OP then show your wife this thread.

Ok you said you are being totally honest so here's a few questions. (You dont have to answer). How do you feel about this woman, is there an attraction there? Is she your 'type'. Is she younger and more attractive than your wife? Do you have more in common with her than you do with your wife?
If the answer to any of these is yes, can you try to understand why it might bother your wife that you have got close to this friend?
Of course you shouldn't leave your job, but imo you should consider distancing yourself a little from this woman for the sake of your marriage.

I don’t think you want to understand that by being in constant contact with your “friend” that it os taking emotional energy away from your wife.
However you are very convinced you won’t change your behaviour therefore you are already having an emotional affair! Why can’t you chat to a male friend that has the same interests? Probably because you aren’t attracted to them is the answer!

Is the new friend pretty?

If you weren’t married, would you pursue a relationship with this woman?

I really do believe that men and women can be friends, but a long-standing opposite-sex friendship is very different to a new one that is taking emotional energy away from your relationship. My husband and I both have friendships with the opposite sex that pre-date our relationship, and there is no issue there on either side, but if either of us began to develop a new, intense friendship like you're describing that would be a very different thing.

I have plenty of male friends who I've met since I've been with my husband, either through work or hobbies, but it would be very weird if I started chatting with them on the phone or hanging out with them 1-1 just for the sake of spending time together. They are not "very dear" to me. You are having an emotional affair, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, and your wife is absolutely right to be unhappy about it.

These replies are batshit. Op works with this woman! He can’t not speak to her or not see her unless he changes jobs.

If the sexes were reversed here and a jealous man was stopping his wife socialising or speaking with a male colleague then he’d be labelled controlling and abusive.

I would be very very angry if my husband had a friendship like you describe with a woman.
His stuff would be on the pavement when he got home if he didn't stop this.

How often are you chatting on the phone? TBH, I'd find it a bit enmeshed for anyone to be regularly chatting to work colleagues on the phone. Don't you see enough of her there? Do you genuinely spend the same amount of time talking to male colleagues outside of work?

I have male friends. I wouldn't choose to spend my evenings on the phone to them instead of interacting with my husband though.

If your wife isn't usually a jealous person, I'm inclined to think that you're probably giving off vibes that there's more going on here. You certainly seem to care more about your relationship with your friend than your wife's feelings which is suspicious in itself.

How much time do you spend in her company for this to be such an important relationship?

But they’ve taken this ‘friendship’ outside of work. It’s become much more than just colleagues. And yes if it was a woman posting about a male colleague I’d think exactly the same as I think most other posters who find this inappropriate would .

If my husband of many years suddenly made a new friendship with a woman and was chatting to her on the phone etc around me I wouldn’t be happy.

You know her feelings are hurt so what’s more important to you this new random woman or your wife?

You don’t have to cut the friendship but keep it to work hours. There’s no need to be making phone calls and spending time together outside of work.

Explain the situation to your friend and let her know you’ll be pulling back from outside work contact.

Why is that even relevant?
That if she was considered unattractive that would be okay?

There is a difference between speaking to someone at work as part course of your duties and allowing it to spill into your home life. I would be saying the same to a female. The boundaries are blurred and he isn't taking into consideration the impact upon is wife, hardly controlling saying I am not okay with this. He has a choice that isn't controlling even. I am not a cool wife but if you are okay with your partner having an ea in front of you crack on.

If you really want to reassure your wife you need to stop contacting this other woman outside of work.
It's really simple.
But you don't seem to want to do that. I think you're enjoying having another woman's company and you don't actually care how this is impacting your unfortunate wife.

Why can’t you answer the question if this is real and you really care?

Whether you find her physically attractive or not is relevant, I think.

How often are you chatting on the phone? TBH, I'd find it a bit enmeshed for anyone to be regularly chatting to work colleagues on the phone. Don't you see enough of her there? Do you genuinely spend the same amount of time talking to male colleagues outside of work?

He also sees her socially - so it’s work, social occasions, phone conversations.

It's a valid question.
Is she pretty?

The job requires us to be in the office most of the week and very occasionally have to work unsocial hours on projects if we are meeting deadlines. But it’s usually fast paced and in a busy team and often no time to chat so we catch up out of hours, like I do with other people. It’s nothing deep and meaningful.

He could choose to not speak to her and see her outside of work though.

Then crack on mate.

Just be aware that it is hurting your wife.