How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

Heterosexual men don't often say a woman looks fabulous, they would say something like hot, beautiful or gorgeous. So yeah, it may well be a female troll. An inept one.

B.I.N.G.O.

Riiiight, because heterosexual men notice whether women's clothes are fashionable or not, describe them in great detail to strangers and say she looks "fabulous." Darling, you don't have a talent for trolling.

Ugh OP you make me sick. It’s your behaviour with your new friend that is eliciting this behaviour from your wife. You’re prioritising your new “friendship” over your marriage. You may not realise this (but I’m sure you do) but it seems a bit like you’re testing the waters in a new relationship while your wife has to sit back, accept it and watch while you do it. Imagine if your wife was seeing a man 40 hours a week at her job, then taking personal phone calls from him at home and meeting up socially? Can you imagine that? Let it sink in. How would that make you feel if she just kept saying “he’s just a friend”. You seem to spend more time chatting and seeing your new friend than you do with your wife. I also want to ask why isn’t your wife invited along too? Please have a word with yourself because you’re coming across so icky and smug. It’s part of nature that men and women don’t feel comfortable if their partners have opposite sex friends that they are alone and stay in touch with. Obviously you’ll get some posters disagreeing saying that sounds controlling, It’s not - It’s natural. And your wife won’t stick around for long i guarantee it

"What might have been."
You might have remained faithful in your heart!

I hope this is made up, because the more you say, the more slimy and disgusting it sounds.

Yes, but are the others dear to you and a part of your life? Because your own description makes your relationship sound very different to that of coworkers.

Be honest with yourself, at least, about how this looks to your wife, and don't keep hurting her.

Your wife sounds insecure and rather controlling. I hate jealousy its a reallybugly emotion. You can listen to her and see where she is coming from but to be distant and withholding with you bc you have a friend of the opposite sex is very alarming. I feel sorry for you mate

The devil, as always, is in the detail... 🙄

I think I am entitled to a bit of an ache over what might have been in a past life, don't you agree?

This being the devil.

Or the detail.

Or both.

OP, I have a male friend who is 22 years older than me.

I am 50, so not naive enough to think he has never thought of me in 'that way' (we've been good friends for nearly 20 years).

But, if I thought this was the basis of our friendship and he had these thoughts about me persistently ie "what might have been in a past life", I'd be sickened. That is definitely NOT how I see him.

And this woman won't see you in that way either.

Sometimes I remember things that never happened. I think I was getting my life mixed up with the Don Black lyrics to the theme from The Italian Job. Easily done at my advanced age.

Yep, as we thought, a bored woman on her third glass of gin trying out fan fiction to see if she can make a few quid selling ebooks to desperate housewives.

Op, it seems that you has already started an emotional affair!! An emotional affair is worse than just fucking a stranger in the bathroom of a local bar.

No one EVER talks about their coworker, saying that she/he is very dear to me and that she/he is a part of my life. That's only the way people talk about their spouse, children, and close relatives.

Op, would you just watch from the sidelines, while your wife talked and texted several times a day with some man? And if your beloved wife told you, that this handsome man is just a very dear friend of your wife, and that your wife contact him several times a day and she has no intention of stopping contact?? And someday you just realise, that your wife don't talk to you much anymore, but instead talked to this very good male friend of hers?

Do you now understand how INSANE your writing sounds to an outsider? Let alone to your wife, the wife you claim to love. Almost in the same breath, however, you write very clearly that you do not respect your wife at all, nor her feelings! Wake up!! You are just trying to make excuses so that you can still keep your "beloved friend".

If you really love your wife, you will stop all contact with this woman in your free time. And even at work, you only talk about work matters. I pity your wife. I hope that you really love your wife and make the right decisions.

Jealousy is perfectly normal and human. It's about the fear of losing your mate. There is nothing ugly about that.
You're just another man who insists women who object to their husbands getting too close to other women are just "controlling and insecure." This is something cheaters use as a gaslighting technique. We're on to this crap, we know it's part of the script.

Your not going to have any replies here that you are hoping for.
(1) Your wife comes first.
(2) Most woman wouldn't like this set up.
(3) explain to the female co worker and stop all contact other than strictly professional.
(4) look for another job. Is it worth losing everything (& you would) for.

Did you just assume my gender? Jealousy is an emotion that a child can not control but an adult should be able to. If you have trust then what does it matter if you have friends of the opposite sex? Usually when somone is acting out over issues like this and trying to be controlling it is an indicator that, that party has an issue with not being trust worthy.

Acting in this manner will be a massive turn off. She sounds like she is being hard work. Poor bloke

It's pretty simple.

Which relationship means more to you? That's the one to prioritise while you walk away from the other one.

Your wife doesn't have a history of jealousy. You should not expect her to adapt here.

True, just because you feel sorry for a male OP who is in emotional affair territory does not mean you're a man. My apologies.

Nowhere does the OP suggest his wife is not in control of her feelings. He has said she has expressed them, which is entirely healthy and appropriate. Expressing your feelings is not being "controlling" either. You can ask whatever you want of your spouse, including giving up a friend you feel threatened by our can't abide for whatever reason. If your spouse does not comply, you can either let it go, decide the relationship isn't working for you, or continue to kvetch to your spouse fruitlessly. Controlling behaviour, otoh, is a pattern of coercion.

I do agree with you that OP's wife probably has reason not to trust him, which is why she feels threatened by this other woman. Just based on the way he communicates on here he comes off as disingenuous, and if we can see that, imagine what she's seeing at home. So why feel sorry for him?

Yeah it's ok if your single, or if you are in that kind of open relationship?

Thankyou for your apology I appreciate it. The OP said:

But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.

Having mood swings or acting this way to get your own way is ver controlling. You need to grow together in a relationship otherwise you can grow apart. She obviously feels threatened by the new woman. But it feels like OP genuinely doesnt have anything but platonic feelings for his new friend and his wife is feeling left out. Its a tough situation. I see both sides of it. But if he acquiesces then what happens the next time he makes a female friend? Sorry I cant come out to play bc my wife says we cant be friends. Its sad and controlling. Like I say I feel sorry for OP

I cant believe the advice here. I work in a place where its 50/50 men and women. So should I just walk around not making small talk with anyone else incase my wife gets insecure and upset?

My wife trusts me implicitly and likewise. I couldn't care less who she talks to or spends time with because I know who she comes home to. It would kill our relationship if I kept asking who he she was talking to or texting or who she was working with in a certain day. The time we spend together is quality and fun. No way would I make it hostile. I just dont get the insecure people on here. Makes me sad for the world

It's only your supposition that her motive for expressing how upset she is is to get her way. She may simply be expressing her feelings because that's what people do when they're upset. I don't know about you, but when I'm sad I feel free to act like I'm sad and when I'm upset I feel free to act like I'm upset. Why should she repress her feelings? That isn't healthy.

I do not agree that it sounds like OP only has platonic feelings. This woman is "very dear to him" and "an important part of his life." I doubt he says that about his male friends. He also said his wife doesn't have a history of jealousy and is a lovely person, it's just in this one instance where she feels threatened. That indicates to me that she's not a controlling person, it's just that she senses that this relationship is heading into affair territory.

Re; apologizing, when I've been an ass I will admit it. ;-)

You aren't reading the situation right at all. OP stated his wife is not a jealous person, it's just been this one person she feels threatened by. That would seem to indicate she thinks OP is starting to have romantic feelings for his friend.

So your new friend is more important then your marriage and your wife?

@Himan

You and your wife trust each other implicitly, so there is no boundary to that?

I couldn't care less who she talks to or spends time with because I know who she comes home to.

How about if she comes home and spends a good chunk of your quality and fun time together texting and calling a very dear new male friend? When does that start to become an issue, or does it never because of the implicit trust?