How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

Well, as others have said. It's abundantly clear that the OP is not interested in anything other than continuing a relationship and his wife's feelings (and gut instinct) can go hang.

You've posted asking for advice.

You've had a lot of fairly consistent advice.

You don't like the advice and would rather people agree you can on spending lots of time with your new friend and somehow you can make your wife (who has never been particularly jealous before) ok about it.

Because although its just a friend like any other you really need to chat regularly outside of work and also socialise together.

Is that about right?

Do you chat to your wife? Do you still tell her things and talk about your hobbies and interests? I know after decades of marriage it can be easy to fall into a rut. Maybe your wife isn’t jealous and moody, but is sad that suddenly you seem to enjoy the company of this colleague more than you do hers.

If a woman posted that her husband told her she wasn't allowed male friends anymore, the man would be labelled as a controlling misogynist. Just saying.

If your wife is your best friend then you'd be better of talking to her about this than us.

If it was a man telling a woman she couldn’t be friends with someone it would be roundly called out as controlling - because it is.

either she trusts you or she doesn’t trust you in which case she should leave the relationship

But she's not remotely saying that is she? It's one particular friend who the OP works closely with and also needs to spend a lot of time talking to and socialising with outside of work. And OP's wife is concerned about this particular friend and yet OP still NEEDS to see and spend time with her. Although it is just a friend like any other.

This is an emotional affair. Your wife's reaction is justified and not at all irrational. Leave your work friendship at work. It's easy!
How many of your male coleagues, or friends, do you describe as being "very dear to me"?
Grow up and catch on to yourself. You are at best being unfair to your wife, and at worst gaslighting and emotionally abusing her.

It's not that this man isn't allowed female friends any more. After a long, happy marriage and children, now one particular woman/friendship is causing a problem in their marriage. There is a difference.

Oops crosspost @GatherlyGal

Nah, in a flipped version of this scenario, everyone would be telling a female OP that she's deep into limerence and on the brink of EA with this 'very dear' friend who'd become an indispensable part of her life.

I don’t think that’s what is going on here. I think most people are trying to understand the confusing and contradictory nature of the OPs posts to try to figure out why a woman he barely knows or sees is such a dear friend all of a sudden.

And quite a few posters have encouraged the OP to talk to his wife the get to the root of her concerns and/or expressed discomfort with how dismissive the OP is being towards his wife.

Very few have said end the friendship, although clearly there is some overstepping on the part of the OP and the friendship is impacting on his relationship.

I posted because I had hoped others might be or have been in a similar position and had dealt with it in a way that worked for everyone.
I take on board the comments. I will cut down our contact.
But I really find it difficult that the majority don’t think two mates should never be in contact outside of work if they get on well and have a laugh because they aren’t the same gender.

Who has said that?

Most posters have assumed the OP does have other women friends because with his obvious gregarious nature it would be odd if he didn't.

We're questioning what the OP is doing to create such a clear reaction from his wife of long standing. And the language he used in his OP was very different to the way most people would use about a purely work related friend.

You say you love your wife but still insist on talking to this woman on the phone and meeting her socially ! You are a nasty man. No doubt your wife being jealous makes you feel good and that is why you are fanning the flames. I hope both your wife and your new "friend" tell you to bugger off. Sad pathetic excuse for a man.

I'd hazard a guess that your wife's problem with this friend is how you feel about the friend not her gender.

But she's not remotely saying that is she?

Yes, they are. Lots of people have told OP to 'end the friendship'.

It's one particular friend who the OP works closely with and also needs to spend a lot of time talking to and socialising with outside of work.

He literally says 'we barely ever socialise', so not sure why you've made that up into 'spend a lot of time socialising'.

@BobbityBib are you for real??? I would be giving you an ultimatum!! how can you describe this woman as a dear friend when you hardly know her?? why do you need to see this woman socially if she is only a work associate?? why the hell are you chatting with this woman on the phone?? go to work, come home and forget about work mates!! no wonder your wife is upset!

I find these long involved threads about misunderstood husbands somewhere between goady, trolling and attention seeking. Honestly, why are you here on a site that is predominantly women? Go find some men to talk to and stop looking for attention and validation from women.

Going against the grain here but I think it's unreasonable to demand ending a friendship just because it's a woman. @BobbityBib is treating this woman as he treats his other colleagues/friends.

Oh no, he isn't!
He's loving the attention from the new woman and angry because his wife had rightly figured out that he's about to wreck their marriage.

BS, you are asking for MN approval for what you know deep down is the start of a very slippery slope, just good friends, emotional affair, full blown affair.

Your wife's spidery senses are on high alert.

I think op, you need to try and meet your wife halfway.

You need to sit down and have a very honest conversation about how she's feeling and what exactly is making her feel uncomfortable about this friendship. Then you need to talk about what boundaries you might need to put in place to help her feel more comfortable. And then you stick to those and check in again after a period of time to see if that's working or if you need to look at it again.

I think you should introduce them if they haven't met before so she can get a feel for her.

Have you ever been unfaithful or had friendships with blurred boundaries in the past? Has your wife been cheated on before?

I think you also need to consider how much effort you are putting into your marriage, when did you last take your wife out on a date that you arranged? Do you make time to sit and chat with her and properly listen to her? Do you do your equal share around the house? Could you do something fun together to help with the transition of your dc leaving home? If she feels neglected and then a new female friend has appeared then that's going to feel worse than if you are clearly invested and proactive in your marriage so reflect on this and ask her what her perspective on this is.

I'm sorry but someone has to say it beep beep, if you cannot put your wife's feelings first and leave this friendship at work or work nights out I'm sorry but private phone calls outta work, crossed the line🤣

If your wife has never exhibited any kind of jealous behaviour before, and it coincides with your new friendship with a female colleague, who you like chatting to and has become very dear to you, could you consider for a minute that your wife can see something going on that is not reasonable and doesn't feel appropriate to her, and has a point?

Have you asked her how she feels and why and actually listened, or are you as tone deaf with her as you've been to the replies you've had here?

But you haven't answered the question of HOW MUCH contact you have with this woman outside work. How many days of the week do you talk on the phone outside work and for how long? Do you text her throughout the evening when you're with your wife? Would you happily show your wife those messages if she asked?

I think you're being disingenuous about how entrenched you are with this woman.