How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

You are so dumb. You can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to all the women on here. They have seen and heard it all.

How she looks doesn’t matter to us, but it sure matters to you. Oh and is she a bit younger than you? And somehow vulnerable - does she need you? You can’t even answer the question. Or any question! Let me ask again, why is this new (but oh so dear) friendship more important to you than your wife? You are clearly overstepping friendship. You wouldn’t speak about or treat a male friend like this. You wouldn’t. So so tragic… We all know how this goes.

I bet you love the sound of her voice when she laughs at your jokes.
How exciting for you.

I think you need to share the specifics @BobbityBib.

How many times a week do you speak to your friend outside work?
Do you speak at weekends?
What's the average duration of each call?
Do you also message in your spare time?
If so, do you message her throughout an evening when you're on the sofa watching TV with your wife?
Would you step away from a family activity to take a call from her?
If your wife asked you to end a call to do something with her, would you?
Does this woman have a partner?

So how did she become such a close friend?
According to you, you wouldn't have had time to forge a friendship in the normal course of your working day, so you (and/or she) must have gone out of your way to develop that connection outside of work.

To clarify we barely ever socialise, as a corporate team day out we went to a football match and then evening meal and drinks. That and a few drinks all together after work in a Friday. It’s always connected with work.

Perhaps you could talk to her and try to understand why she is jealous? It seems odd of this hasn’t been a problem before.

I work with men mostly. I have lots of male friends, some who I don’t work with anymore and still meet up with for the occasional drink. This has never been an issue in my relationship. I have two very good friends, my husband has met them, I’ve met their wives, and we’ve all been on holiday together a few times.

I can’t see the issue with the opposite sexes being friends. I find it a big red flag if a man doesn’t have female friends. To me it means they only see women as sexual objects, not as people with individual interests and personalities.

How much time do you spend with this woman? You say that you also talk to male friends outside of work and socialise with them? In which case, either, you've spent your entire marriage basically barely around and this is just the final straw. OR, you're lying to yourself and to us and this woman is your closest friend/the person you spend the most time with outside of work.

I have close friends I chat to on text regularly. I have a couple of friends I talk to on the phone occassionally. People I see at work who are also friends I talk to at work - we might exchange a few texts outside of work but that's it. And yes, I socialise with friends from work and not from work, but it's now and again. I saw my friend "Emma" last week. I'm seeing "jenny" this week and also having a drink with work colleage "Mike" to catch up on a few things. I won't see Emma or Jenny or have a drink with Mike again for weeks now. (well, I doubt I'll ever go for a drink alone with Mike again - this is for a specific reason).

Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too.

Sorry but I don't believe you'd talk about your male friends like this. Are they "very dear" to you? You are more emotional about her than you're making out, which is either denial or disingenuous and no doubt your wife picks up on that.

Thank you, yes I will try and talk to her to try to understand more about why this is upsetting her this much.

I can’t see the issue with the opposite sexes being friends. I find it a big red flag if a man doesn’t have female friends. To me it means they only see women as sexual objects, not as people with individual interests and personalities.

this is why I find the ‘is she attractive question’ so strange. I love my wife. I’m not unfaithful. I don’t want to sleep with this woman. I enjoy her friendship and company. Like I do with men.

Would you be comfortable with her having a male friend that she said she absolutely had no choice but to be extremely close to?

They work together and have a really nice time together and can talk about everything. But she says she 'always makes sure to stay in the friendship zone.' And her relationship with this man is totally non negotiable. No matter how it makes you feel.

You barely ever socialise except for every single week for drinks after work. C'mon, it doesn't help when you contradict yourself like that. If you're not doing anything wrong, don't frame it one way when the reality is patently different.

Do you really see and spend the SAME amount of time with this woman (talking, texting, in person) as you do with your male friends?

Do you not see how contradictory your posts are? @BobbityBib
Either shes's a very dear friend, part of your life and not having this friend would affect you. Or she's a work mate you only talk shop with and rarely spend any time with.
Which is it?

You're wife is picking up on vibes and you are deluding yourself that they don't exist. If you want your wife to trust you, don't put your marriage in this position. Whatever you do, don't insist that your wife accompanies you on an outing with the OW to "prove" anything. You are in the ultimate game of wanting your cake and eating it too. If you want your wife to feel secure and respected, don't dismiss her feelings/tell her she's crazy/try and guilt trip her for not accepting this situation. End it. She deserves your loyalty and you are absolutely not giving it to her.

I mean, you sound like you’ve already made your mind up no matter what everyone here is saying to you.

Carry on with this (definitely younger and pretty) new ‘friend’ of yours and carry on disregarding your wife’s feelings.
That’s all you want to hear.

I’ve had this issue, genuinely due to my partner’s deep naivety though.
He thought I was just being silly over his new deep friendship with the young Swedish girl at work and they were just friends.
Then his work colleagues told him that she was clearly after more and it was obvious to everyone.
Suddenly I wasn’t so ‘paranoid’ anymore and he was mortified that he hadn’t listened to me.
He nipped it in the bud but he should have done so when I told him how much it was upsetting me.
He would never do it again, but it still hurts to think about how distressed I felt back then.

The new friend isn’t worth making your wife feel the way I did, not if you love your wife.
Scrap it, remain professional and move on with your wife as your priority, as she should be.

As the well known phrase goes; “It’s never fat ugly Dave from accounts that you form these deep bonds with, is it?” 🙄

You already see this friend at work. You can eat lunch together, chat during your breaks etc.

frequent socialising after work seems excessive to me. Isn’t that time you should spend with your wife? Your family? Or friends you don’t see everyday?

of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too

Wow! That sounds like you’re massively over invested and on a direct path to “emotional affair”…

If you'd said that in your first post you would have got a whole different range of responses.

So, you go to the football in a work gang, Friday curry, few beers and yet she's very dear to you. Now we understand.

Wow I would not be happy about this, a new woman in your life and you expect her to put up with it? It's not like it's been a life long friendship whom you both meet up with. You see and talk to her separately to your wife. You've got your own relationship with this woman no matter which level it is on. How would you feel if she met a man who she saw and called socially? I think you'd have something to say about it.
Unless you want a divorce, I suggest you leave this relationship at work.

Of course I would be sad if she left and I didn’t see her. But that goes for other coworkers too!

What a messer.

Easy. You can reassure your wife by not seeing your friend socially without her, and not chatting to your friend on the phone. Neither of those things is necessary as you will still be able to see her at work every day anyway.

By continuing to meet her socially 1:1 or have phone chats, despite knowing how much it upsets your wife, you are demonstrating that you value this relationship more than the relationship you have with your wife. So your wife obviously has good cause to be upset.

It’s deep and meaningful enough for you to keep speaking and seeing her outside of work hours even though it’s making your wife feel a certain way.

I should have said that we barely ever socialise just the two of us. Apologies, I see how this is confusing.
As a team we only go for work drinks about once every three Fridays so it’s not that often.

Are you really that obtuse to how your wife might feel about your new “best friend”?

Imagine your wife is working, she comes home one day saying “New guy started at work today, Gary. Gary likes star gazing and talking about movies”

A few weeks later, Gary is now the hot topic of conversation “Ohh Gary said we can meet up and watch the stars, Gary said he wants to see the new Downton movie, Gary likes coffee and we were thinking of popping into the new Nero in town”

Another month goes by - “Gary told the MOST funniest joke ever today” Wife talks about how much she likes her new best friend - Gary this, Gary that. Wife is investing huge amounts of time and head space talking to Gary,

Husband starts to feel insecure - Gary is permeating every conversation, every thought your wife has is about Gary. Gary is such a good listener, Gary is so thoughtful, Gary understands me better than anyone…

Do you ever get that thing where you use a word or name too often and it doesn’t sound right?

Husband tells wife she can’t talk to Gary any more. Wife goes nuts telling husband he can’t control her and her friends and she will talk to Gary when she wants.

At this point your marriage is over. It’s a ménage à trois. 3 into 2 doesn’t go.

It will go one of two ways.

Wife falls in love with Gary and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Husband wants to kill Gary. Wife tells Gary she loves him.
Gary craps his pants at the change in friendship dynamic and the fallout he has unwittingly caused and changes jobs. Wife now is heartbroken over Gary. Husband still wants to kill Gary. Divorce beckons.

or.

Wife falls in love with Gary. Wife starts to go quiet with husband. Talks with Gary are done in secret. Wife wants to make sweet love to Gary under the stars. They seal the deal under a moonlight evening and plot the rest of their lives together. Husband wants to kill Gary. Divorce beckons.

Don’t be such a Dicktim bleating about how your wife is being unreasonable, because quite honestly it makes you look pathetic.

Decide if this friend is worth destroying your marriage over. Decide quickly. You could be spending Christmas in a bedsit separated from your wife staring down the barrel of a £20k divorce battle over who gets what…

Going against the grain here but I think it's unreasonable to demand ending a friendship just because it's a woman. @BobbityBib is treating this woman as he treats his other colleagues/friends.

My partner has made some strong female friendships at work and initially I have felt a bit jealous, but I told my partner how I was feeling and then he arranged for us all to go out for a drink and it put me at ease and I am quite good friends with these people now.