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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

456 replies

BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 08:38

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

OP posts:
LlamaNoDrama · 15/09/2025 09:42

BigHouseLittleHouse · 15/09/2025 08:53

You are emotionally involved with your friend.

Would you honestly say about one of your male friends “he has become very dear to me?”

No, you would not.

Invest your energy in your marriage and end the emotional affair. It’s inappropriate and very unkind.

This.

weearrows · 15/09/2025 09:42

I think this is probably a wind up.

Lululullabies · 15/09/2025 09:44

Im not sure if you are gaslighting your wife, MN or actually yourself here but your “new dear friendship” comes off as an emotional affair and you need to end it.

Original poster
BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 09:44

Ok, point taken.
But it makes me sad to hear this. Whatever happened to men and women being friends? I have worked in places before where it was blatant that there was something going between co-workers, but this is not how we behave at all because we are JUST friends.
I posted hoping that someone has gone through this too and found a way through it all. There must be some women who have friends who are men too? And it’s okay?

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 15/09/2025 09:45

Your wide sounds perfectly justified in her reaction. Why are you chatting outside of work.

Original poster
BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 09:45

mochimoons · 15/09/2025 09:41

@BobbityBib do you speak to your male colleagues on the phone outside of work?

Yes I do

OP posts:
Lululullabies · 15/09/2025 09:46

I am an Engineer so I have tonnes of male friends all my adult life but you do not have a friendship with this woman you are having an emotional affair. There is a huge difference.

KittyHigham · 15/09/2025 09:46

But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes

She's pissed off because you are having an emotional affair! You've already said this new "friendship" is more important than her feelings.

I'm a believer in opposite sex friendships but what you're describing isn't that.

NoisyLittleOtter · 15/09/2025 09:47

BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 09:44

Ok, point taken.
But it makes me sad to hear this. Whatever happened to men and women being friends? I have worked in places before where it was blatant that there was something going between co-workers, but this is not how we behave at all because we are JUST friends.
I posted hoping that someone has gone through this too and found a way through it all. There must be some women who have friends who are men too? And it’s okay?

You haven’t actually taken on board what people are saying.
Yes, I have friends who are male. What I don't do is give them the attention that I was previously giving to my husband.
Many PPs have asked a question that you haven’t answered. Do you regularly chat to male friends on the phone like you chat to this woman?

Original poster
BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 09:51

KittyHigham · 15/09/2025 09:46

But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes

She's pissed off because you are having an emotional affair! You've already said this new "friendship" is more important than her feelings.

I'm a believer in opposite sex friendships but what you're describing isn't that.

Edited

I genuinely don’t understand the emotional affair bit. I don’t talk to her about things that are deeply personal, I don’t say anything about how things are at home, we just enjoy each other’s company in the same way as I do with men friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 09:52

But thanks to the person who suggested we all meet up. I will suggest this. Perhaps it will help reassure my wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 09:53

NoisyLittleOtter · 15/09/2025 09:47

You haven’t actually taken on board what people are saying.
Yes, I have friends who are male. What I don't do is give them the attention that I was previously giving to my husband.
Many PPs have asked a question that you haven’t answered. Do you regularly chat to male friends on the phone like you chat to this woman?

Show quote history

Yes I am in contact with other friends like this.

OP posts:
RedRec · 15/09/2025 09:53

Lupin61190 · 15/09/2025 08:50

Can your friend and your wife not meet up so she can see it’s 100% platonic? If you are keeping them completely separate from each other then I can see why your wife would be insecure about you becoming too close to this friend

Christ, can't imagine anything worse. How to make your wife feel like she is being tested, while having your massive ego stroked. Ugh.
I would tell you where to go if you tried suggesting something like that.

BluePeril · 15/09/2025 09:53

BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 09:44

Ok, point taken.
But it makes me sad to hear this. Whatever happened to men and women being friends? I have worked in places before where it was blatant that there was something going between co-workers, but this is not how we behave at all because we are JUST friends.
I posted hoping that someone has gone through this too and found a way through it all. There must be some women who have friends who are men too? And it’s okay?

I have good male friends. I don’t have one solitary male friend whom I work with, talk to on the phone out of work hours and socialise with, even though I see him all day. Can’t you see the difference?

Wateryworlds · 15/09/2025 09:54

Can’t you see the difference? !your wife isn’t happy , so put her first ffs , and if not , why not?

PrioritisePleasure24 · 15/09/2025 09:55

Put yourself in your wife’s place…. how would you feel if your wife suddenly had a ‘new friend’who was ‘very dear’ to her and you were listening to their phone calls, listening to chat about her and so on…You are putting alot of priority into this friendship and your wife sees it.

I have male friends, i have male colleagues. Some of my male friends i have known for decades. However we aren’t calling each other all the time to the point it’s making my parter uncomfortable, we check in now and again, If my partner found anything uncomfortable he would absolutley be my priority.

Actually i’m not even spending that kind of time with my female friends either; spending all day together at work, socialising and speaking on the phone all regularly!? That’s quite intense friendship!?

ViciousCurrentBun · 15/09/2025 09:55

If it’s a new friendship it’s easy to drop.

I have loads of male friends, DH has quite a few women friends.

When a relationship is in difficulty starting a friendship innocent or not is not a good idea with someone who you could in theory have sex with. If your having little in jokes, talking about relationship difficulties and wanting to spend time with her and finding her the fun one then it’s already an emotional affair.

She thinks you’re great because you haven’t got on her nerves yet and are in fun stage, same with how you feel about her. At best you are a naive fool. Or more likely you are just selfish and don’t care how your wife feels.

RB68 · 15/09/2025 09:55

You need to talk to your wife about it but as a min no more socialising and phone calls etc out of work hours and for the most part stick to work convos esp if working from home.

THis is about trust in the relationship. Give your relationship some more attention

Original poster
BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 09:56

Toddlerteaplease · 15/09/2025 09:45

Your wide sounds perfectly justified in her reaction. Why are you chatting outside of work.

Because we have things have in common that we chat about. The same as my wife does with her friends and I do with my male friends.

OP posts:
NoisyLittleOtter · 15/09/2025 09:56

BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 09:53

Yes I am in contact with other friends like this.

Show quote history

If you’re at work all day and regularly spending time chatting on the phone with/socialising with multiple friends in this way, how much time are you actually spending with your wife? How often do you speak with this ‘friend’ on the phone?

JustStopItNorasaurus · 15/09/2025 09:58

Actually I think suggesting you all meet up so your wife can be reassured is ridiculous. You will put BOTH these women into an uncomfortable situation just in order to get your ego stroked and to confirm (inside your own head) that it's all okay.

Paganpentacle · 15/09/2025 09:58

BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 09:44

Ok, point taken.
But it makes me sad to hear this. Whatever happened to men and women being friends? I have worked in places before where it was blatant that there was something going between co-workers, but this is not how we behave at all because we are JUST friends.
I posted hoping that someone has gone through this too and found a way through it all. There must be some women who have friends who are men too? And it’s okay?

The 'way though it' is to listen to the one person you should be listening to.... your wife.
No friendship- male or female - should come before her.
Bore off.

ViciousCurrentBun · 15/09/2025 09:58

What are the things you have in common with this new friend, her marital status is what? plus both your ages.

anyolddinosaur · 15/09/2025 09:59

I've had male friends - but they have always made an effort to get on with my husband. I would never prioritise them over my husband and wouldnt generally arrange to meet them unless in a group or with my husband present too. I also wouldnt spend more time talking to them than to my husband.

If you are talking to this woman a lot at a time when your children have just left home and you need to rebuild a relationship with your wife then it's an emotional affair and you need to cut back drastically.

Clonakilla · 15/09/2025 10:00

You describe your male friends as very dear to you? That’s quite unusual.

I’m surprised your wife even noticed this friend given you’re also messaging multiple male friends from work with the same frequency.