Back here again 😟

[Em1988x]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4740999-divorce-lost This explains me being back here again. And now 37, couple years later and back to where I was 😒😔 I never left my husband purely because of being guilt tripped into staying and being the be to break up our family. I managed to pull away and 1 year ago moved out of our room and we have had pretty much zero contact sexually or barely conversations other than regarding the kids. 2 months ago I officially told him I was house hunting for me and the kids. And after that he told me to stay and he will find somewhere. However he will need a year here to save. I agreed. However I was under the illusion he knew this meant we are now separated however I am doing him a favour by allowing him to stay and get a house for him and the kids. So, I started seeing someone for dates, coffees etc. it was a work colleague and so stupid that I thought this would be ok and I didn’t tell him about it. I feel awful that our friendship developed into this, but it’s what has landed me in now bother. My ex (or husband ) I don’t even know what he is right now, found out and hit the roof. Threatened to kill the guy, tell our kids and turn them against me and make sure everyone knew. After 2 days of talking and crying and trying to explain how we got here. And just how broken I actually am from 21 years of neglect and hell, he has calmed down and takes 90% of the blame for me meeting someone else, however has said for us to make it work I will have to leave my job which I love and been at for 6 years, and the guy I’ve been seeing is still going to be dealt with. However I think if i leave my work and I stay with my husband then he won’t touch him. So he will be safe then. He has also since confessed that years ago he was sleeping with prostitutes behind my back, messages other girls. And now is back in debt and has built it up to 23k in the past year because I checked out the marriage he thought fuck it, might aswell. I feel sad and terrified at the thought of leaving my job, starting again and not seeing my work friends again, but then I feel sad and scared for my kids future if I leave and divorce and not knowing how my husband will be if he goes to ‘sort’ out my work colleague, is in debt and can’t afford anywhere half decent and possibly goes deeper into alcohol binges or debt. I really don’t know which is the lesser of two evils right now. I also feel worried and anxious that when I’m old, I won’t be financially secure because he will gamble again and remain in debt his whole life. I thought he would have learnt his lesson after the first couple of times, but now it’s over 100k debt over the years and wow it makes me sick!

Just to add when I took about the guy I was seeing being dealt with. I don’t exaggerate it, my husband said that when he discovered about us, he put an axe in his car.

Oh ffs. I just read part of your first thread and really, it's you that keeps getting in your own way. And screwing up your children's lives for this lying, manipulative loser.
Why do you think he keeps going back to his old ways? Because you let him! Is this really how you want your life to be? And the bs you want to raise your children around?
They'll be messed up for life at this rate .Especially if you allow this bollocks for one more day!
Why the fuckity fuck would you quit your job? Divorce him now. Before you're more responsible for at least half of his gambling debt!

What advice are you looking for?

It's obvious that you shouldn't have children in the same house as a man who sees sex workers and threatens a man with an axe.

He's in serious debt, there's no intimacy, he's still paying for sex (they never stop), he's controlling and volatile.

You describe your relationship as years of neglect and hell, yet you're considering taking him back and giving up your job.

It's pretty obvious you should divorce and let your colleague know of the threat.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You were given good counselling by others
last time around. I see m scared for your kids futures if you stay.

You keep on falling for his manipulation and lies. Did your dad treat your mum similarly ?Why on earth would you at all quit your job?. Stop wasting your life with him and get on with divorcing your abuser.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?. Do you not think they have seen and heard more than enough already?.

I feel the most for your children in all
this because their dad and you continue to let them down abjectly. They are likely to leave home far sooner than later and will not want anything to do with their dad or you either because they think you’re putting him before them.

Thank you for the advise and If I read that from someone, I would be saying the same. I know it’s hard to see from how I described him above but he is a fantastic dad in the way of how he is with them, playing with them and showing up, and I know he’d go to the ends of the earth for his kids. The kids do absolutely adore him. That is what makes all this hard. If there wasn’t that then I’d be gone. I feel like I’d make the mistake of leaving, he goes off the rails, maybe lands himself in prison for attacking this guy, which I would then have to leave my job anywhere because of the drama with it. The kids are then without a dad and they grow up and learn of all this and blame me.

Just to say also, my dad didn’t treat my mom bad and the only thing I know of my parents is that they had a couple of affairs between them. Never violence or money problems.

He is not a fantastic dad. You said he would disappear and go on drink/drug binges. Just because he plays with him does not make him a good dad. He does not keep them safe.

The kids 'adore' him because they are trying to get him to love them. They sense just how shit he is trust me. When they get older and it's harder to hide who he really is they will blame you for staying with him and raising them in this abuse rather than getting out.

Tell him your not seeing anyone, get a divorce and move! You owe it to your kids for them to be safe.

Have you been to the Police to inform them of your husbands threats towards the other man. If you want to keep him safe you need to do so.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Staying for the sake of the children, well whose sake are you really staying for because it is not theirs but your own. Fear of him, fear of the unknown, potential
money problems and other factors like codependency keeps you with him.

Your kids fear their dad because they see what he’s done to you as their mum. They don’t adore him.

You're the adult and it's your job to protect your children. Children will unconditionally love their parents even if they are abusive, so don't use them as an excuse.

Your husband is a piece of crap and has threatened someone with an axe. He's emotionally manipulating you to get you to stay and he's in danger of going off the rails if the children are there.

You describe your marriage as hell and you're miserable. Do you think your children haven't noticed the awful atmosphere? You need to wake up.

I really dislike the "he's an amazing dad, I'm staying for the kids" line for the reason not to leave an abusive partner. All your doing is making them suffer and damaging them further. Not only are you normalising this as their expectations for relationships in the future but your also shifting the burden of guilt onto them to give them a warped family dynamic. Is that really something you are okay with?!

I grew up in an abusive household and have been in an abusive relationship myself but my kids WERE my reason for leaving. They are innocent and precious, they dont deserve any of this damage. I guarantee in a few years time your DC will be making their own MN thread saying "my dad's abusive, my mum enables it, AIBU to go NC with them both?!"

It's been 2 years since your last thread, which you seem to have ignored the advice of and nothing has changed. Yet you've brought another innocent party (your colleague) into this abuse and threats. Now your saying your going to stay and quit your job?! I literally have no words because your not protecting anyone by staying, he's already told you regardless of whether you stay or leave he will carry out those threats to the colleague, so what exactly are you gaining here?

You don’t want to leave him, maybe his attention and threats make you valued? Worth something? I don’t know. Your children would love anyone, it’s their dad, but they would definitely love more a dad that doesn’t threaten, use prostitute and god knows what else. You want losers? Keep staying, they’ll have to deal with the psychological problems
you and he created for them for the rest of your lives. But I bet your husband also says that you are an amazing mother?
And fgs tell the other man involved that he needs to watch his back. You think he might go to prison for harming someone? What about you, knowing it’s happening and doing nothing about it?
What a mess your life is.

Op. I havent read your previous threads.

You need to get out
You need to warn the other guy
Do you have any messages etc with the threats in?

Its hard to break up the "family unit"

I know this because i'm in the process myself. I have also stayed for too long but now i am certain that i am getting out

@THATbasicgirl would you mind me asking you the reasons for you leaving and whether you have children?

I 100% see how foolish I once again look to be back in this same situation and now having met someone when I either should have been investing in making my marriage better or leaving our home before pursuing this. At the moment things are calm, he did go see him and asked how long it had been going on, I’m not sure what else was said but he’s told him that I can only work from him if the company want to keep me. The guy in question is actually my managing director. We only work for a small close knit company so it’s not a case of he should know better and abusing his position etc. we’ve worked together for years and are same age.

my friends tell me to go and half of me agrees but I don’t know why I feel so much sadness at the thought of hurting him and telling him it’s over and then seeing my poor kids devastated and only seeing their dad a few times a week. Are any of you co parenting? How is it?

Yes we have children

I am leaving because I dont love or even like him anymore. Our relationship has got worse and worse over the years. Im now at a point where he has said and done things I can never forgive and I won't live like this any more. Im also very aware that by staying and putting up with it im teaching my children that its ok. It isnt.

Ive found it easier to crack on and make plans since i let people in real life in on the situation. This has given me strength

I don't understand why you're suddenly entertaining talks about getting back with him.

What on earth have I just read.

You and him were over, you dated. What do you mean he is now 'accepting the blame'. You didn't cheat so no one is to blame for anything!

He's worked a right number on you. And now to keep the peace you're what, considering getting back with him? That's batshit.

Wake the fuck up babe! Don't go there! His plan was to leave? He wanted a year? How long has it been? Is time up? Good, he can fuck off then. If he threatens you or that guy, go to the police

You don't agree to stay with the devil your whole life in the hopes he will treat you kinder than if you try to escape.

Get out of therem if he won't leave, YOU leave.

Don't date again for a while. As you'll attract more toxic. Until you heal from this abuse.

I'd live in a caravan forever rather than stay with this fud!

Go to the police if he makes threats. That's what they are theire for. Gosh the madness some women put up with is astounding.

OP what support do you need to leave?

Good Lord! You need to leave this relationship. It is very unwise to start a new relationship now as it is only going to inflame the situation and you are putting an innocent man, your colleague, in a dangerous situation. Why would you bring someone else into this disaster?
Find a new place with your children, start a new life and focus on them and their needs for the time being. You have to put their safety first and they deserve a peaceful life.

Honestly, I don't think you'll leave and in 12 months time you'll be posting again , things will have gotten worse because you gave up your job and you'll still be asking for the same advice.

Are any of you co parenting? How is it?

@Em1988x No, I don't co parent, I solo parent. Ex refused contact as he only wanted to see DC if I was part of it. Social services later agreed that co-parenting would not be safe and recommended a contact centre, again he refused because I wouldn't be allowed to attend.

I personally don't think it would be safe for you to peacefully co parent either due to the threats he's already made and the obvious manipulation to get you to stay, which will likely escalate once you cut ties completely and by the sounds of it (I don't mean to be harsh) you are an easy target for that to work quite quickly.

I'd probably recommend communicating via an evidenced paper trail or parenting app only and for a third party to be with you or do drop offs/pick ups on your behalf.

Strength and putting another persons feelings aside. Despite all this I do care and love him as the father of my kids, and makes me feel sad at the thought of hurting him and the kids, and taking their dad out of the family home

Sorry to hear this, sounds awful 😞 so was it that he wanted to keep seeing you to try win you back or just make it worse for you?

That is what I am afraid of, that I’ll be back here again and we didn’t live this blissful life like what he’s telling me we will now have. I’ve spoken with close friends and they’ve said to tell him I’m not leaving my job or working from home. And he can’t track me. Because I will be unhappy being constantly monitored and being at home every day.

Trust me, I wish I never brought someone into this, it was years of friendship at work that developed. I didn’t think we’d get caught and I’d have time to tell him once he moved out. However, looking at it now, I only want peace. I want to live a life where I don’t feel drama and hate the person I am and so weak minded. I constantly live in a nervous state, and now have under active thyroid which makes me feel awful most days.