Back here again 😟

[Em1988x]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4740999-divorce-lost This explains me being back here again. And now 37, couple years later and back to where I was 😒😔 I never left my husband purely because of being guilt tripped into staying and being the be to break up our family. I managed to pull away and 1 year ago moved out of our room and we have had pretty much zero contact sexually or barely conversations other than regarding the kids. 2 months ago I officially told him I was house hunting for me and the kids. And after that he told me to stay and he will find somewhere. However he will need a year here to save. I agreed. However I was under the illusion he knew this meant we are now separated however I am doing him a favour by allowing him to stay and get a house for him and the kids. So, I started seeing someone for dates, coffees etc. it was a work colleague and so stupid that I thought this would be ok and I didn’t tell him about it. I feel awful that our friendship developed into this, but it’s what has landed me in now bother. My ex (or husband ) I don’t even know what he is right now, found out and hit the roof. Threatened to kill the guy, tell our kids and turn them against me and make sure everyone knew. After 2 days of talking and crying and trying to explain how we got here. And just how broken I actually am from 21 years of neglect and hell, he has calmed down and takes 90% of the blame for me meeting someone else, however has said for us to make it work I will have to leave my job which I love and been at for 6 years, and the guy I’ve been seeing is still going to be dealt with. However I think if i leave my work and I stay with my husband then he won’t touch him. So he will be safe then. He has also since confessed that years ago he was sleeping with prostitutes behind my back, messages other girls. And now is back in debt and has built it up to 23k in the past year because I checked out the marriage he thought fuck it, might aswell. I feel sad and terrified at the thought of leaving my job, starting again and not seeing my work friends again, but then I feel sad and scared for my kids future if I leave and divorce and not knowing how my husband will be if he goes to ‘sort’ out my work colleague, is in debt and can’t afford anywhere half decent and possibly goes deeper into alcohol binges or debt. I really don’t know which is the lesser of two evils right now. I also feel worried and anxious that when I’m old, I won’t be financially secure because he will gamble again and remain in debt his whole life. I thought he would have learnt his lesson after the first couple of times, but now it’s over 100k debt over the years and wow it makes me sick!

You're not taking on board a single thing anyone says, are you? Why are you still posting?

The man cheated on you with prostitutes!! You had broken up! Why are you letting him dictate to you about your work?! Where have all the consequences got his abdomen behaviour. I agree, I’m gonna have to check out this thread soon cos you clearly aren’t going to take any advice!

Just to point out he put the axe in his car yes with intention to possibly harm however he didn’t and thought better of it, he was just very angry at the time.

However, being sober, never laid a finger on me.

Jesus Christ. Well then in that case he sounds like a great husband and dad so I say you give him a second (or is it third?) chance. That's what you want to hear isn't it?

Just hope he never gets drunk (or angry) again.

Good luck.

You definitely would be great. He sounds like an absolute gem ❤

I for one could not think of a better husband and father than one who sleeps with prostitutes behind my back, physically abuses me (whilst drunk though so according to you that's ok as he doesn't do it sober), gambles all our money away, threatens to turn my kids against me, takes an axe to "go and sort someone out" (oh but he was just angry so that's ok too) and has an alcohol addiction.

It really, really upsets me that any woman (or man) could think so little of themselves that they continuously defend behaviour like this but I know it happens frequently.

Tragic.

Harsh, but true. You are utterly deluded.

Your kids are gonna despise you.

This is just a bad marriage, the kids are not hurt in anyway shape or form

You are deluded.

I agree with PP you are in complete denial of how awful this is for your children.

You tell us how abusive he is, then make excuse after excuse to somehow convince yourself that it isn't that bad.

Every single person reading your posts can see how dangerous your situation is.

What happened in you childhood, that made you aged 15, go for this man?

If you're not going to break the cycle of abuse, I hope your children can.

He thinks you were still together because he hadn't told anyone? Are you serious? You've told us in detail that he was saving foe somewhere else and yet again now you are still making excuses for him being angry, and you actually have posted that he should get angry at YOU?

Noone expects a poster to take in advice on here if they dont ultimately agree but you are countering every single piece you've received, so I can only assume that contrary to what you typed, at some level this is good for you, otherwise you would see how it's affecting your children. You're acting in your own soap opera now. I'm out

You are actively allowing your children the be harmed. Please listen to everyone who's saying that.

This is just a bad marriage, the kids are not hurt in anyway shape or form

You can fucking delude yourself until the cows come home, but I can assure you that your kids are being hurt every single day you put this 'man' above them...because that's what your doing.

You asked another poster who went through similar how her relationship with her kids are is like now...well I have a mother who did the same, and this is how our relationship is in 2025:

I'm 56, 57 in a few months. I'm having treatment/counselling for C-PTSD...have been for 15 years.
I deliberately live on the other side of the world from her.
I've not seen her since May 2009.
Before that I hadn't seen her since February 1999.
I speak to her on average every 2 months. I only do that because of a sense of 'duty'. I have to be drunk to actually cope with the calls.
She wasn't invited to my wedding.
Neither myself or my two brothers have had any children, so she has no grandchildren.

I wouldn't care if I never saw her again...and I will never forgive her for what she put me and my brothers through. Oh, and my father left her for another woman when I was 21.

Their father is an addict. Chick, I wish you very well, and your children even better. But fast forward 20 years and you will know that your children were damaged. You're in denial.

How is he providing for them when he's built up over £100,000 of debt?
A bad marriage doesn't involve an addict.

He's an addict. SS would take a very dim view of this.

Why bother posting on here with the hugely drastic details and then just turn around and deny them? What are you trying to get out of this process?

The way to not allow your children to be harmed by him is by leaving him. You don't know what he's going to do, you do not control him or anyone.

"he put the axe in his car yes with intention to possibly harm however he didn’t and thought better of it, he was just very angry at the time. I’ve told him his anger should be at me"

Jesus fucking Christ! I get very angry sometimes and I dont threaten to hurt or kill someone, let alone put a fucking axe in my car with the intention of doing so. This is not normal! This isn't "being angry" normal behaviour. You cannot justify this or be relieved he didn't do anything with it. This is enough to be extremely terrified.

But why did you check out? Because of the way HE treated you. It’s his fault things are the way they are. He ‘changed’ too late and only to win you back. However his behaviour since he found out about your colleague has shown that it’s not true change. He will only treat you well when he knows he’s taken you to the edge. Is that a man you can live with for the rest of your life? Leave him for your kids. He can still be a present father if he wants to but your household is toxic right now.

This!

and that’s only skimming your post

good parenting is 360 and doing all parts of THE ENTIRE ROLE all of the time

you are playing a “yes but” game which feels like self sabotage

@Em1988x I feel really sorry for you as you are a victim here yet you make excuses for his dangerous behavior towards himself, others and yourself.

Please get some therapy and look up trauma bonding which is what I believe is some of what is in play here.

I really think it unsafe to continue like this.

feel free to pm me x

OP, you met someone else 12 years ago but H hoovered you back in. You've more recently started seeing someone, H attempts again to hoover you back in....

Do you see a pattern?

H knows that you meeting someone else means jack shit. He'll just turn on the charm (or threaten some poor bloke with an axe or something) and lure you back in. You have shown him this works before and scuppers your chance of a fresh start.

'Hoovering' is a classic tactic from an abusive partner. The regret, the tears, the promises, the (temporary) changes, the admission of guilt. He's not stupid, of course he knows he treats you like shit and is guilty of all this. What you hear is a wonderful revelation, he finally realises you're worth hanging on to. All your patience has finally paid off. Except, you know how this ends. It is merely a tool of manipulation.

Let me tell you something about men like this. They do not love you. Love is not expressed like this. In general, these demons enjoy abusing the women in their life and love that they are rewarded for this with a maid and a nanny. That's not love OP, it's really not.

If your daughter’s future husband twisted her wrist and stepped on her ankle, would you tell her that it wasn’t physical abuse if he had been drinking?

No to marriage counselling. Just what on earth would you be trying to achieve from it? A good counsellor wouldn’t see you both either as it’s an abusive relationship. You need your own.

I am a child of parents with an appalling marriage. Addiction. Gambling. My mother ‘stayed for the children’ but it wasn’t, she just scapegoated us. She was too weak to leave.

me and my siblings grew up in a horrendous environment. We knew it was wrong. My mother thought she protected us from it. She was fooling herself.

i resent my mum as much as I do my father, as she was the adult, she should have left. I have nothing to do with either them now. She’s still with my father. Miserable. She won’t ever leave.

you will lose your children. One way or another. You are doing them no favours and they will resent you.

it’s taken years of therapy to address the harm my parents caused me. Years.

you need to wake up and fast.

you need solo counselling fast. NOT bloody marriage counselling.

OP, wake TF up! I agree with above poster in that your kids are going to despise you when they're older. My Mother was just like you. And I will never, ever forgive her for forcing us us to live in that abusive environment.

You need to get real about some things! Now!

I fear it’s all being normalised. Once something has become normal it’s very difficult to change. Mental and physical health will just deteriorate until nothing is left. The poor children are going to end up with mental health issues and ruined lives. It’s very sad.

Oh op

Come on now

What is more important to you - trying to save this "relationship" or the health and wellbeing of your dc?

You are so deep in the FOG. You need to speak to woman’s aid and the local police and need an exit plan to leave with your DC.

If you give up your job he will have you exactly where he wants. He will blame you and abuse you for the rest of your life and he doesn’t care how that impacts the DC.

Ah, that explains it then. ''Look what you made me do because you stopped trying''. That old chestnut.

OP you do not have to dance like a monkey to earn the nice version of him. A healthy relationship is respectful and loving by default. Men like this hate women. They enjoy abusing their partners way more than they'd enjoy loving them. They don't think like us and that's why you don't always see the deception.

The dates with your colleague are a gift. He will likely accelerate the abuse. Now he can take your job from you and lock you in even further. He will also bring this up every single time he can use it as leverage.

You'll have to work harder and harder to heal the rift you caused by seeing another man while still married to him. He may become 'insecure' and require unnecessary levels of reassurance. Eg photo's to prove you are where you say you are.

Periodically you may be asked for access to your phone/emails when he feels you 'pulling away'. Just to reassure him that you aren't in contact with anyone else...... On and on.

OP this isn't a game. A game implies rules and a chance at winning. You will never win. You will never earn enough brownie points to get to the next level. The next level only exists in your abused, confused and gas lit mind, You're chasing a hat in the wind. He's fucking with you.

Please leave ❤

Oh OP, this fucker's done a right number on you.

You dismiss abuse if he was drunk. He knows he's abusive when he drinks. If he loved you he would stop drinking to prevent this. In the full knowledge that drinking makes him abusive, he drinks anyway.

OP he makes the decision to potentially abuse you when he's sober. He chooses to have that first drink. It's not because he's drunk, it's because he doesn't care about the outcome for you when he is.