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Original poster

Divorce??? Lost

31 replies

Em1988x · 12/02/2023 10:06

OK, new here, first post, I'm 35, kids 6 and 9, and looking for some guidance please. Been with my husband for 19 years and married 4 years. Been a very rocky relationship, just to cut a long story short spent many years pre and post kids where he would vanish from Friday through to Sunday and be on a drinking binge, no word from him, let down constantly, there was anger rages from the cocaine and resulted in physical violence a few occasion (nothing major just twisting my wrist, or standing on my ankle and throwing keys at my head) but nothing really big and was when he drunk or on drugs, later on the drink was knocked on the head for few months at a time then back to it again and then replaced with gambling of which racked up 80k of debt over the series of a few years, remortgaged house to pay some and few years later did it again to us and was thousands of pounds in debt with one gambling bet at 6k for a football match! Took out loan for this he did, came clean few weeks before wedding, went through with wedding and sold house shortly after, paid off 40k of debt and tried to start over but what I felt for him had gone, took me 11+ years of constant ups and downs but that feeling of being in love faded. It's been 3 years that my feelings have changed and he knows that I don't love him anymore, yet the past 9 months has changed and I kick myself that he didn't do this all those years ago when I kept pleading him to. He's found an apartment to go rent but doesn't want us to split because he still loves me and obviously because we have two young children. But the thought of living by myself with our 2 kids brings me joy, albeit sadness because I want a family but how do you stay with someone that you don't want to be around, I don't want to be alone with him because that part of me that felt that way for him has gone. Any advice, should I make it work more?? And break his heart. 😔😔

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 12/02/2023 10:08

Stay strong, go through with the divorce. Focus on you. One day you'll likely meet someone who actually deserves you and doesn't act in the way your ex does.

Bonbon21 · 12/02/2023 10:28

No way!
He has had more chances than he ever deserved.
Get the divorce, demonstrate to your children that they need firm boundaries in their lives.
Dont ever put yourself or your kids in a situation like that again.
You find your self respect and hold it close.

BlastedPimples · 12/02/2023 11:32

Wow.

He's an absolute horror show.

Twisting your wrist. Standing on your ankles. Throwing keys at your head. All of these alone are enough to divorce.

Then the endless debt. It will never stop.

Please escape. Get away from him.

Original poster
Em1988x · 12/02/2023 16:50

It's so difficult when someone still loves you and has changed recently since I told him I'm done, and he won't except the fact that someone can fall out of love over time and want to leave.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2023 16:55

He wants you to be around only and basically to cook clean and wash up after him. He had not changed one iota but he’s probably been very adept at telling you what you’ve wanted to hear.

you and your kids deserve better and he’s had way more than enough chances up till now so no more. You’d be an idiot to even consider otherwise.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2023 16:56

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 12/02/2023 17:00

You really think he's changed? A few weeks or months down the line when he thinks he's got you back where he wants you, you're certain there will be no more "minor incidents" or nasty surprises? If you can't do it for yourself do it for the kids.

Original poster
Em1988x · 13/02/2023 17:26

Honestly I really don't know. This is the most he's ever done around the house and hasn't been on a bender in months so hoping he has for the kids sake. Unfortunately I don't feel the way I used to sexually or romantically and it feels a chore and have to summon up so much energy just to have a conversation with him. I know it's me that's now being the awful one towards him because I show no affection and the kids see that 😔 I just hate who I am around him. We had a talk last night and he was going to go look at an apartment, but then guilt tripped me by saying I'm the one doing this as he's trying now and I'm going to break the kids hearts and he doesn't see them being ok at all. What do you do, break your own heart or your kids 😭😭

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 13/02/2023 18:33

i couldnt get past the violence… nothing major …just twisted my arm stood on my ankle… you think that’s love? (It isnt)

you know you’ll be happier (and so will dcs) on your own

FlowerArranger · 13/02/2023 18:44

Look, your life is not a soap opera.

You know what you need to do.

For your children's sake if not your own.

If you have not yet read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf online), now would be a good time.

Warspite · 13/02/2023 18:49

A leopard doesn’t change its spots.
Believe me I know.
As soon as you let your guard down, he’ll revert to type. I really really know this.
Do the divorce. Just do it. All will be well, in time, when you are free. You’ll see.

Restinggoddess · 13/02/2023 18:52

Re read your own post - all the red flags are there

time to look after yourself- any recent changes just reflect his panic about standing on his own two feet

EarringsandLipstick · 13/02/2023 19:05

OP, your post resonated a lot with me.

He is 'playing nice' now as a form of control. You are showing your strength & he's doing what he can to find a way to persuade you not to end it because a) he doesn't want to lose the nice family set up where you've protected him for years b) he doesn't want you to be happy.

You are so in the throes of it you can't see how bad it is - he's physically abused you (and it's not minor), he's lied and deceived you, he's run up debt repeatedly.

Keep strong. Get him to leave & create a life for yourself. It will be worth it.

padsi1975 · 13/02/2023 19:17

It's absolutely not you now. He has behaved in so many atrocious ways that it killed the love. That's squarely on him. You go and have a beautiful, peaceful life, free of violence and debt.

Kennykenkencat · 13/02/2023 20:21

He knows your feelings have changed so of course he is on his best behaviour
He wants help paying this money back. You rode to his rescue before so he os expecting it again.

As soon as he thinks he has ironed over this bump the next lot of twattish behaviour will be brewing.

He might think that taking drugs and gambling thousands means he is edgy and interesting but for those looking at the actions being played through again and again it is just so predictable and boring.

I would divorce because he is boring and stupid.

Stick to the divorce and get every penny you can. Save yourself and your children from a lifetime of never knowing what will happen next. What debts you will need to pay off when you are in your 50s or 60s

Make sure the judge knows that his debts are gambling debts

Justmeandthedog1 · 13/02/2023 20:29

Em1988x · 12/02/2023 16:50

It's so difficult when someone still loves you and has changed recently since I told him I'm done, and he won't except the fact that someone can fall out of love over time and want to leave.

He’ll say he loves you as you are his enabler fir his drinking, drug use or gambling. He’ll say anything to keep whichever of those he’s addicted to atm.
Sorry, it’s harsh, but I e been there and it was a HUGE shock when a counsellor pointed out to me I was enabling his addiction which led to his behaviour.

Walk now. Don’t look back. It sounds to me like he has an addictive personality so no matter how much he says he’ll change , he won’t. Your life will get much better for him not being in it.

Chrimbob · 13/02/2023 20:36

His heart won't be broken. How can he treat someone he says he loves as appallingly as he treats you - there's no love here from him. He will probably be angry though as his support has been removed and he'll have to deal with his numerous problems himself.

Speakingofdinosaurs · 13/02/2023 20:51

Break your kids hearts?!!!
Don’t you think that’s already happened?
What on earth do you think they’ve seen over all the years of their short lives.
His ‘anger rages’ his ‘violence’, being blind drunk and on drugs, seeing him shout at you, abuse you, assault you during your ‘very rocky relationship’.
Unfortunately they probably think all this trauma is normal - it’s certainly normal life for them.
THOSE POOR KIDS!
Give them a different life and leave this horrible man - for your children!

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 13/02/2023 20:54

RUN! As far and as fast as you can and never look back.

Ofcourseshecan · 13/02/2023 21:04

physical violence a few occasion (nothing major just twisting my wrist, or standing on my ankle and throwing keys at my head) but nothing really big

OP, imagine your friend or sister telling you her partner did that to her. Would you say “Oh nothing major then”?

This really is not trivial. Added to all the other abuse, drugs, drunken rages etc and gambling away enough money to buy a flat!

Of course he’s being nice to you for the moment. He’s scared of losing his provider and supporter. He could have been just as nice all the time, but he didn’t bother to because he didn’t care about your feelings.

Don’t let him talk you round. Protect DC and yourself by getting him out of your lives.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 14/02/2023 08:30

This makes me so sad because it sounds as if you are so scared of being on your own that you are looking for reasons to let him stay. You maybe think you've protected your children from the worst of it. You haven't, they know, they feel it, and they are being affected by it every day of their young lives.

Igmum · 14/02/2023 09:38

So sorry Em, you have been through a terrible time. It really isn't you. You can't control him. You are not responsible for him. It is he who has done this, and no, it's not minor. Please don't let your kids grow up with this man in your house. They will be suffering too. You might find Al-Anon (for the families of alcoholics) helpful. But definitely definitely definitely leave him.

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 14/02/2023 10:10

I've counted 8 completely unacceptable things in your post. Each of those on its own would be enough to justify you wanting to leave him. You will be giving your children a vastly better life by getting away from him. If he's capable of doing the right thing now, he was capable of doing so in the past, but he chose not to. That's your answer. Please get out and start again, you deserve a million times better than this Flowers

Original poster
Em1988x · 18/02/2023 13:24

The kids definitely think this is normal, they actually asked whether we kissed on our wedding day because we don't kiss now or show affection. It would be weird now if we did, even though he comes near me I make an excuse snd leave the room or stay around the kids as much as possible just to avoid any close contact. The kids tell us off for squabbling, don't get me wrong it isn't raised voices it's more digs at each other. He has now asked for a weekend away just us to reconnect and has said if I still feel the same then we knows it over. Honestly the thought of being alone for 2 whole days does not excite me in the slightest and I feel like I will have to have sex just to make him happy and so he doesn't guilt trip me into it and then In his eyes we are ok.

OP posts:
Dery · 18/02/2023 13:39

@Em1988x - OP - the truth is you should have left this man many years ago and well before you had children. I can only imagine you grew up in a DV household and therefore have a skewed percentage of what is acceptable in relationships. That has led you to minimise and normalise serious abuse.

This man doesn’t love you. He doesn’t know what real love is. His version of love is really shitty and not worth having. He’s panicking now the woman he has abused for years is moving on and his life is going to be less comfortable than it was. That’s all. This is all selfish - not about love for you. You owe it to yourself and your children to get away and make your new life without him.