Back here again 😟

[Em1988x]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4740999-divorce-lost This explains me being back here again. And now 37, couple years later and back to where I was 😒😔 I never left my husband purely because of being guilt tripped into staying and being the be to break up our family. I managed to pull away and 1 year ago moved out of our room and we have had pretty much zero contact sexually or barely conversations other than regarding the kids. 2 months ago I officially told him I was house hunting for me and the kids. And after that he told me to stay and he will find somewhere. However he will need a year here to save. I agreed. However I was under the illusion he knew this meant we are now separated however I am doing him a favour by allowing him to stay and get a house for him and the kids. So, I started seeing someone for dates, coffees etc. it was a work colleague and so stupid that I thought this would be ok and I didn’t tell him about it. I feel awful that our friendship developed into this, but it’s what has landed me in now bother. My ex (or husband ) I don’t even know what he is right now, found out and hit the roof. Threatened to kill the guy, tell our kids and turn them against me and make sure everyone knew. After 2 days of talking and crying and trying to explain how we got here. And just how broken I actually am from 21 years of neglect and hell, he has calmed down and takes 90% of the blame for me meeting someone else, however has said for us to make it work I will have to leave my job which I love and been at for 6 years, and the guy I’ve been seeing is still going to be dealt with. However I think if i leave my work and I stay with my husband then he won’t touch him. So he will be safe then. He has also since confessed that years ago he was sleeping with prostitutes behind my back, messages other girls. And now is back in debt and has built it up to 23k in the past year because I checked out the marriage he thought fuck it, might aswell. I feel sad and terrified at the thought of leaving my job, starting again and not seeing my work friends again, but then I feel sad and scared for my kids future if I leave and divorce and not knowing how my husband will be if he goes to ‘sort’ out my work colleague, is in debt and can’t afford anywhere half decent and possibly goes deeper into alcohol binges or debt. I really don’t know which is the lesser of two evils right now. I also feel worried and anxious that when I’m old, I won’t be financially secure because he will gamble again and remain in debt his whole life. I thought he would have learnt his lesson after the first couple of times, but now it’s over 100k debt over the years and wow it makes me sick!

Your ex is manipulating you and threatening to weaponise your children. I think you need counselling just for yourself as he is guilting you all the way. For example saying it was your fault he got drunk - he takes away all his ownership and responsibility for his actions and blames YOU. He made a choice to have many drinks that afternoon - you were not there pouring the drinks down his throat!!!
Please do not worry about kids hating you - they will 98% love you and 2% hate you. You need to be able to sit them down and explain why you have separated. I say 2% hate you as my kids blame me for divorcing their dad and they will sometimes blame me and I will remind them of how I got to that position and that their fathers behaviour was unacceptable. Please please do not take this man back. You sound like your head is an absolute mess- please get counselling.

Sorry to hear that for you also, it’s a sad situation. How old were yours when you separated? How are things now with your co parenting and how are your children?

Correct, my head is messed up, even the simplest decisions to make are difficult right now, and I’ve noticed that it’s been like that for a good few years. I do feel some what controlled to a certain degree and he keeps me locked in this state of fear, and I’m constantly managing his emotions and I don’t want him to be angry or upset. Just yesterday he came back around to see the kids and do football training for our youngest and left on the note that he was still going to smash my colleagues face in. This was on the back of asking me if I was still seeing him or spoken to him and me saying no. He then messaged few hours later asking to come for tea and I allowed him to try smooth over him letting our son down the night before, however he had a friend over and wasn’t bothered by his dad being there. He did take dd for a sleepover though but he seemed very reluctant to want to leave.

how old are your children? How long have you been divorced?

Seriously end it. Move all communication onto a court approved parenting app.

You need to report his threats to the police.

He is seriously emotionally abusing you and the DC. Do it for them.

Offer fixed contact and stop let him talk to you about anything else.

You have to cold hard cut this invisible umbilical cord because he’s draining the life from you. He won’t care what it’s doing to you and the children. He isn’t who you think he is. Stop being so accommodating because he is using this weakness to stay attached to you, he’s a leach.

@Em1988x my children are 14 and 19 now.., they were 9 and 15 when separation and divorce happened. My children are generally thriving, good at school and academic, good friends and well adjusted. Life is not perfect but tell me whose life is? But it’s better than it was.
Pleasr do not let him come and go as he pleases. This is not a separation. Your children need structure right now. Set times to see their dad outside of the family home. Preferably your children need to be with him at the same time so you can have a break.

You are in a cycle of fear and abuse trying to appease your husband. He controls your emotions right now. Please get counselling for yourself. As long as you are in this horrible self perpetuation cycle you will not be able to move forward. The cycle needs to be broken, take small steps, get yourself strong.

Do they still see their dad? That is great to hear and so pleased they are thriving. And no, you are right, no one’s life is perfect.

I think because it’s early days, i am trying to be accommodating, and I don’t want the kids suffering by not seeing him so feel like easier I make it then the more beneficial for them. He won’t have them the same time because he thinks I will then have the opportunity to go meet this guy 🙄

I am going to look for a counsellor today

Op only tell you children one hour before planned visit so if he doesn't show your children won't be any of the wiser, so not hurt or upset by this, only you will know,

@Em1988x yes they are with their dad 50% of the time, I can’t believe how jealous your husband is that he will only see one child at a time to ensure you don’t see the other man. He sounds really dangerous and scary and I understand why you are the way you are. But something needs to give. Let me share with you a link for finding a good therapist x

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/?_gl=14gi790_upMQ.._gaMjUxMzM1NjI0LjE3NDgxNzQ0NzY._ga_BMWGCG64PD*czE3NDgxNzQ0NzUkbzEkZzAkdDE3NDgxNzQ0NzUkajAkbDAkaDAkZDNjd2FQQ3B5Ulpjalc4SzhMUGwzT1NwbDQwc1M0eWxOUWc.

He really isn’t a fantastic dad. Anyone can see that. You know it too.

You’re trying to convince yourself he is a good dad to your children so you don’t have to leave him.

You are very scared to leave him - leap into the unknown in all sorts of ways. What if the future without him turns out worse than being with him? Better the devil you know?

Thats totally understandable. It’s a massive and scary step for anyone to take. Anyone would feel like that and maybe you feel too scared and anxious to take the leap.

Thats ok, to feel that. But just don’t try to persuade yourself it is because he is a ‘good dad’ - you know that he isn’t.

the children may well love him and they can continue to love him and see him if you are separated without this horrible darkness in the background which they must have a sense of even if they can’t articulate it.

Read this back to yourself.
Imagine what you'd say to a friend who told you this about her life.

Move out.
You were going.
he's played you and convinced you to stay.,

LEAVE.
As you'd planned.
He's a bad man. Your kids are suffering every day they stay with him they will be more and more affected.

Report his threats to the police so they have a record of it.

He can be very unpredictable at times, and does worry me what he could be capable of. Thank you 🙏

@Em1988x I'm sorry you've felt you've had a battering. I really think posters are just trying to get you to see what is so obvious to the outside world :-(

So he’d go to the ends of the earth for the kids but deliberately carry out an attack that could put him in jail for a very long time? Which is it? Can’t be both.

You posted this a few days back , I remember reading it .
If you really think your ex ( or whatever he is ) is like to put an axe through someone's car ( or possibly do physical harm to someone ) then surely you'd report that to the police ?

@Em1988x you don’t have to follow 50/50 for kids, it might be that he has one weekend every other weekend until he gets his shit together.
I am very concerned he has isolated you even further by making you work from home. Do you have any one in HR that you can make aware of your situation so you can go back into workplace. Or a work counselling scene ect?

WOW!

What a bell end, trying to play victim when he was the one sleeping with prostitutes throughout your marriage and messaging other women. What a sad, self absorbed twat saying you have ruined him when he’s the one who let his son down and cheated on you multiple times. Blokes a joke honestly. Done even acknowledge this behaviour just speak to him about the kids and that’s it. You need to cut off the small chat and him coming in the house etc.

I feel really sad that you went ahead with the WFH in spite of now separating.

please do get your own counselling. Your thought processes are way off here - because of his abuse.