Back here again 😟

[Em1988x]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4740999-divorce-lost This explains me being back here again. And now 37, couple years later and back to where I was 😒😔 I never left my husband purely because of being guilt tripped into staying and being the be to break up our family. I managed to pull away and 1 year ago moved out of our room and we have had pretty much zero contact sexually or barely conversations other than regarding the kids. 2 months ago I officially told him I was house hunting for me and the kids. And after that he told me to stay and he will find somewhere. However he will need a year here to save. I agreed. However I was under the illusion he knew this meant we are now separated however I am doing him a favour by allowing him to stay and get a house for him and the kids. So, I started seeing someone for dates, coffees etc. it was a work colleague and so stupid that I thought this would be ok and I didn’t tell him about it. I feel awful that our friendship developed into this, but it’s what has landed me in now bother. My ex (or husband ) I don’t even know what he is right now, found out and hit the roof. Threatened to kill the guy, tell our kids and turn them against me and make sure everyone knew. After 2 days of talking and crying and trying to explain how we got here. And just how broken I actually am from 21 years of neglect and hell, he has calmed down and takes 90% of the blame for me meeting someone else, however has said for us to make it work I will have to leave my job which I love and been at for 6 years, and the guy I’ve been seeing is still going to be dealt with. However I think if i leave my work and I stay with my husband then he won’t touch him. So he will be safe then. He has also since confessed that years ago he was sleeping with prostitutes behind my back, messages other girls. And now is back in debt and has built it up to 23k in the past year because I checked out the marriage he thought fuck it, might aswell. I feel sad and terrified at the thought of leaving my job, starting again and not seeing my work friends again, but then I feel sad and scared for my kids future if I leave and divorce and not knowing how my husband will be if he goes to ‘sort’ out my work colleague, is in debt and can’t afford anywhere half decent and possibly goes deeper into alcohol binges or debt. I really don’t know which is the lesser of two evils right now. I also feel worried and anxious that when I’m old, I won’t be financially secure because he will gamble again and remain in debt his whole life. I thought he would have learnt his lesson after the first couple of times, but now it’s over 100k debt over the years and wow it makes me sick!

You are causing damage to your kids if you stay together. They may seem happier initially but what are you teaching them about relationships

Yes I also don't want to hurt xp. But I wont put his feelings over the needs of me or the dc.

No, it’s been 2 months. He came to me a month ago and asked to be able to stay here fod a year to save for a mortgage. Because I didn’t like the idea of a bedsit for him. I want a stable home for my kids. Me staying with him seemed the lesser of the two evils unfortunately, it meant that if I stayed then no one else would get hurt, because that would be a condition I lay now for me staying. However now he’s met him and spoken to him to ask for me to work from home, I don’t think there is a threat there. Before I hated him but the past few days since finding out, I’ve seen a different person. He actually does feel bad for the 20 years of shit, and it does make me wonder whether it could be something we needed. However my friends do think different and think he’ll keep bringing it up and be paranoid which will make me miserable

This is all so wrong - your husband sounds like a family annihilator. How you can call him a good dad is beyond me.

And he's clearly got you brainwashed. Your poor kids, with no one to protect them.

He is going to find any old reason to keep his feet in the family home and his control over you. Get him out, into a bedsit into anything just get him out. I can guarantee though when you reach this point of asking him to go he will not keep to word. He’s a nasty piece of work with a hold over you. He knows he can emotionally manipulate you into him staying. I had a similar situation, my ex wouldn’t leave, he wanted to live in a caravan on the drive. This way he’s still have control over me and work on me emotionally. It took me 2 years of court to get him out because in the end I had to leave the house. As these years go by your emotional health is deteriorating and he’s using the kids to control you further. He’s a terrible terrible father.

Oh god I just read your latest update. Don’t fall for this nice guy act, it’s a perpetual cycle, surely you have noticed that he goes from nice to abusive to nice etc etc. It’s all an act to suck you back into the cycle. He wants you to work from home, oh come on he is isolating you from everything and everyone so you are trapped further. Don’t do this to keep him happy, sooner or later the goal posts will move and he will absolutely use this relationship with this man against you constantly. You’ll feel guilty and bind yourself to him further.

Oh for goodness sake, you need to take your children and leave! Don't give up your job, report your ex's threats to police. He is not saving for a deposit, he is running up ridiculous debts. You need to get out of this toxic situation.

Yes I have seen him switch, if something triggers him and he’s drinking then the mood can shift drastically and walking on egg shells. This happened 12 years ago, I met someone and he find out and I did end up getting back with him as I did love him, just didn’t like how he treated me all the time. We should have stayed apart then however we had children after that. But he made those 10 years horrible tbh because he brought it up all the time, never trusted me, made comments on what I wore and was vile when I was pregnant and after our second child was born. He stole my motherhood from me when the kids were young because I lived in constant flight or fight mode. He cried when I told him this the other day as I don’t think he truly knew how much he has broken me over the years

I’m sorry it’s not that he didn’t know that he hurt you he just simply didn’t care. The tears are fake. If he sat in front of you unmasked and said yeah it’s just I don’t care you wouldn’t exactly stay with him so he cried to keep you from seeing the real him. Don’t be fooled it’s all an act because he needs you, he needs someone to bully when he’s having a bad day.

His stance was that we were a family or nothing at all and he said he wanted me there to 'prove' he had made the effort to change and could win me back. At that point i had enough of words and saw through his lies. Social services later confirmed my suspicions were right and he was infact trying to still trying to manipulate and gaslight me by spinning me a yarn of empty promises for the umpteenth time.

However, you have been in this cycle for 20 years. You even write in your posts that you have seen his patterns and false promises many times again and again. Wise up! You know all of this great dad, feeling bad, admission of guilt and promise to change is all an act. Why are you still finding excuses that manipulate yourself into believing him? What makes you believe this time is the time he will actually step up and mean what he says?

I hope I'm wrong but the more you post, i really believe your going to stay. And every 2 years or so you will be back posting the same thing until the day your on your last legs wishing you had left and made the most of yours and your childrens lives.

I’m so sorry youre going through this. How did he steal your motherhood?

Because all of your attention is on them, are they happy, are they going to start, have you said something wrong doing something wrong. All of your thoughts are based around them and trying to control the situation so they don’t kick off. You get lost in a fog and the rest of the world goes by, years and years. It’s a very codependent relationship. You spend your life trying to meet their
needs so that you get a nice person in return, not shouted at etc.

What a waste of life.

How was he ever going to save for a mortgage when he’d built up over £20k of debt? He knew this so when he said he needed a year in the house to save up what he actually meant was he was hoping you’d change your mind or he’d win you back round. He had no intention whatsoever of moving out. He knows you’re weak & will accept poor behaviour from him so he puts on a show of contrition for a short while then will revert to his old ways. You need to leave as nothing will change.

This. Conpletely. Trying to worm his way back in. Come on op. See through his crap

With all due respect @Em1988x please take your blinders off!!!

He did not cry for you when you told him how he stole your motherhood - he cried for himself and as a manipulation tactic that he knows works with you.

He was never planning on saving for a mortgage - he asked you for a year because he knew he could guilt you into doing it by making himself seem like he will be the one to leave so you could stay. Utter bollocks the lot of it, he only said that so you would stay!! That is the only reason, he has and never had any intention of leaving, and he has not intention of letting you leave either.

He threatened your boyfriend/colleague to you - did he ever make those threats directly to him? I would be willing to bet that he did not. No he made those threats to you, so that you would think the only way to save this man from your husbands fate was to go back to your husband.

He demanded you quit your job - but has now said you can continue work but must only work from home. This is not as a favour to you, it’s a bloody favour to himself so you can continue to bring home the bacon and pay the bills etc.

He promises from now on a wonderful life - if he was always capable of giving you this wonderful life why hasn’t he given it to you before??? He has no god damn intention of giving you said wonderful life, what he will do is the exact opposite and he will guilt you, accuse you, track you and never give you a moments bloody peace. Why on gods green earth would you believe this, he has even done this to you once before!!! This time will be no different!

He is NOT a good Dad - I promise you this that he is not! Yes he may play with them, he may do things for them or give them attention, but you can watch that evaporate as soon as he can no longer use them as a tool to manipulate and control you.

You should absolutely and utterly 1 million percent leave and not look back. Yes it will be hard, yes the kids will be upset, there will be fall out, but my goodness you would be giving yourself and your children the biggest gift, you just can’t see it yet because you are currently paralysed by fear and still allowing him to manipulate you.

Be strong and leave!!! 💐

OP it is not acceptable or legal to make threats against another person. Why aren’t you going to the police? If anything happens you’ll have been aware there was a risk.
Why go back to square one under duress? Tell your friends and family yourself. Then he has no hold over you. It’s not a great situation but if you were in my circle I’d see threats to harm or tell unless you do x or y as worse.
So he’s kicking off even though he did worse including paying sex workers? He has potential to be violent. Isn’t responsible. You wanted rid before but now are (why!!?) contemplating staying and want assurance it’ll not all go to s* again.
All a bit mad but you do need to stand up/wise up. Stop indulging and don’t leave your work if you don’t want to.

Woman meets man and gets into a relationship with him. Man turns out to be a dickhead. He goes out on full weekend long benders where he's using alcohol and drugs. Woman thinks it would be a marvelous idea to have not one but two children with this absolute cretin. Why not bring innocent children into the world amd raise them in a shitty relationship with an alcoholic/druggie for a father?
Man continues to be a prick. Cue lots of drama.
Woman decides to leave. Woman decides not to leave and to continue to subject her children to the shitstorm.
Drama continues. Man continues being a prick.
Something about Woman dating someone else and the man throwing an axe at the car.
Children are surely loving life and thriving in this wonderful nurturing and loving environment.
Woman leaves it a couple of years and them decides to leave him.

Grow up, OP. Put the children first and stay away from men. You've subjected those children to enough already. Focus on looking after them and trying to help them heal so they don't have any lasting effects from all of this.

Yes, I'm putting it all on you, OP. You knew he was a dickhead before you had children with him. You had two children knowing what he's like. He was never going to change. You could have left him and looked for a man who would provide love, care, and stability for a family.

He stole my motherhood from me when the kids were young because I lived in constant flight or fight mode.

So he's absolutely not a good dad...

Good dads also don't say "fuck it" and run themselves up to their eyeballs in debt.
How is he going to move out with debt? He's not. He's deliberately sabotaged his ability to move out to try and trap you with him

Please get advise from women's aid as you are living with a very manipulative man who has threatened violence

Please please rid yourself of the thoughts of him being a good dad. Good dads don't abuse their children's mother

It is farcical to describe a man who carries an axe with a view to committing a crime which carries a lengthy prison sentence as a 'good father'.

Does he go shopping for their dinner and cook for them? Organise their doctors appointments? Of course he doesn't, he's got you to do all the boring stuff while he has a laugh with them if he happens to be in the mood. Pathetic. Stop lying to yourself.

he is a fantastic dad

you're delusional and in denial. He is not a fantastic anyone and when your children grow up they will know you continued to enable their useless father's behaviour. He has no incentive to change. You've made sure of that.

You need RL help to get free of this waste of space because none of the advice you've been given has made an iota of difference,

You absolutely need to leave. This guy is a real piece of shit. Even if you are living in the same house what’s to stop you filing for divorce immediately?

OF COURSE you won't have a blissful life. You and your kids will continue to have a shitty life, and they'll grow up as miserable adults in shitty relationships.

Thought I’d take some time to think about things and obviously try to take all the comments on board. My husband isn’t a bad guy at all. He’s been a lot more attentive since it’s come out, and wants us to try make it work and start marriage counselling (counselling was my idea) he has taken a little of the responsibility of us getting to where we are now, and has said he thinks he has emotionally abused me for years and that has got to do something to a person. He’s right, I’m fucked! To put it loosely. He wants me to quit and find employment elsewhere, as my request to work from home has been denied by my employer. Husband is angry because my work colleague is managing director there and thinks he should have been able to sway their decision to let me wfh. He’s annoyed because it now affects me bringing in money, and my hours and flexibility were ideal for the kids, and doesn’t look possible to earn what I earn or have those hours elsewhere. So now he feels the pressure because he has these debts to pay, and now I’ve put us in this situation. My friends and family tell me to grow some balls and tell him I am going back to the office. I have a feeling it will be case of if I do, then he’ll say we’re over and will make my life misery with it. Or I don’t go back, find a job with long hours which I won’t enjoy and kids won’t have me around as much, but maybe our marriage will work then? His ego wants to go beat the guy but I’ve told him if he does then there is no way I would fall back in love with a man that is violent and risk going to prison.

Not sure what I’m asking for here, just so lost. Took the kids out for the day yesterday but couldn’t find any enjoyment, and this is a first for me, I’m usually so happy to be out with the kids