Back here again 😟

[Em1988x]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4740999-divorce-lost This explains me being back here again. And now 37, couple years later and back to where I was 😒😔 I never left my husband purely because of being guilt tripped into staying and being the be to break up our family. I managed to pull away and 1 year ago moved out of our room and we have had pretty much zero contact sexually or barely conversations other than regarding the kids. 2 months ago I officially told him I was house hunting for me and the kids. And after that he told me to stay and he will find somewhere. However he will need a year here to save. I agreed. However I was under the illusion he knew this meant we are now separated however I am doing him a favour by allowing him to stay and get a house for him and the kids. So, I started seeing someone for dates, coffees etc. it was a work colleague and so stupid that I thought this would be ok and I didn’t tell him about it. I feel awful that our friendship developed into this, but it’s what has landed me in now bother. My ex (or husband ) I don’t even know what he is right now, found out and hit the roof. Threatened to kill the guy, tell our kids and turn them against me and make sure everyone knew. After 2 days of talking and crying and trying to explain how we got here. And just how broken I actually am from 21 years of neglect and hell, he has calmed down and takes 90% of the blame for me meeting someone else, however has said for us to make it work I will have to leave my job which I love and been at for 6 years, and the guy I’ve been seeing is still going to be dealt with. However I think if i leave my work and I stay with my husband then he won’t touch him. So he will be safe then. He has also since confessed that years ago he was sleeping with prostitutes behind my back, messages other girls. And now is back in debt and has built it up to 23k in the past year because I checked out the marriage he thought fuck it, might aswell. I feel sad and terrified at the thought of leaving my job, starting again and not seeing my work friends again, but then I feel sad and scared for my kids future if I leave and divorce and not knowing how my husband will be if he goes to ‘sort’ out my work colleague, is in debt and can’t afford anywhere half decent and possibly goes deeper into alcohol binges or debt. I really don’t know which is the lesser of two evils right now. I also feel worried and anxious that when I’m old, I won’t be financially secure because he will gamble again and remain in debt his whole life. I thought he would have learnt his lesson after the first couple of times, but now it’s over 100k debt over the years and wow it makes me sick!

Apologies OP, I see it's him that doesn't count it as abuse. The rest still stands. Don't let him tell you what is and isn't abuse.

The issue isn't the freind you're dating, it's your guilt about leaving. Listen to the Let Them theory by Mel Robbins. Read about co dependency. Youre currently accepting a man threatening someone with an axe, almost taking you under with massive debt, sleeping with prostitutes, ohysically harming you, all because you can't face feeling guilty for doing what most of us would have done at the first betrayal. You will be OK, the guilt won't cripple you, do NOT leave your job, leave the man, you owe him nothing.

Update. Thank you for all the supportive advice. I really do appreciate it. He has now got a 1 bed rental apartment, which we agreed would be temp to give me time to think, however I have now told him it’s over for us properly and I’ve made me decision. However, he still keeps trying win me around, touching and grabbing me, so I do not think the message has got through once again. I’m terrified I will lose my job, and Tuesday they will deny my request to work from home so I will have to go back to the office, which he will hate because obviously the other guy is there. I wanted a clean break for him to be gone before I go back, so they’d be no tension around the kids. However, eldest has his sats wc 12th May and I’m worried about telling them before that date incase it causes him to not do as well as he should.

And he keeps driving to my colleagues house, and just drives by 😟

I think its time you call the police and update them with all of this information, including the threats to your colleague OP.

You need to get the police involved.

He's mental op. He put an axe in his car FFS. Go to the police.

He needs to be kept far away from you. You should also report the unwanted touches. They are assault fyi.

Well done on ending it. Never be alone with him again if you can help it. Change your locks on the house asap as a matter of urgency.

It's a dangerous time, when you first leave them.

He's a bully and he needs reporting to the police. Keep safe. Tell your work your ex is possibly stalking you. They need to be able to watch out for you and your colleagues.

The trouble is that because the major gambling (loss of house) and the physical incidents happened over 5 years ago, he says he is changed now and tries to convince me that it isn’t abuse at all because he was drunk and he didn’t actually hit me. It really does make me feel like I over exaggerate it all in my head and now because I chose to separate years later, I’m the villain now and especially since seeing someone new.

He says that because he slept with them in his 20s (he’s now 39) that it doesn’t count. I’m letting him control my work situation because the guy I was seeing is there and even though we split, he thinks it has gone on for longer than what I said.

It is sad, and when it’s written down I do think wow, why didn’t I leave and that’s what he says to me, that I should have left him then, not when he’s trying to make amends. I guess I feel guilty that I’m trying to choose myself for once and he twists it that I was never happy with simple things so felt like he had to keep gambling to get more money. However, we’ve always been on good money and if he had stopped gambling and drinking then that money would have soon built up. The prostitution from what I know, is before we had the kids, like a year or two but we still had a mortgage together and been together for 8 years at the time.

He wouldn’t like it if I mentioned the assault at counselling purely because he doesn’t see it as that, and you are right, I think he has convinced me that it’s normal. We’ve been together since I was 15 so he is all I’ve ever know really and we’ve always had arguments, and little bits of physical violence between us, purely due to getting together so young. When I’m around him my sense of what is right and wrong is all off and when I’m not, I do see that it’s wrong. I do feel like time on my own and counselling would be good for me

Decide in your head one line to grey rock him with and stick with it.

”Yes the violence, sleeping with prostitutes, gambling & drinking may be in past but the damage to me is not. I can’t forgive how much you have hurt me and I can’t move on from it. It’s too little far too late for me to love you. I was too traumatised before to end it but now I am stronger & can decide what is best for me”

Read up on sunken cost fallacy, Co dependency and guilt.

Remember you deserve freedom & happiness. He’s bullying you so he hasn’t actually changed.

Op i do get where you are coming from i really do

We were together very young and for a very long time

It took a lot for me to reach my breaking point but once i finally got there that was it

I cant pin point what made me feel like that, but now i do i would never go back. I am emotionally switched off to him, things that would previously have drawn me back in like him sending me an apologetic birthday card do not work - he has tried this in the past couple of months

I cant wait to be in my own house away from him

How long were you together? Do you mind me asking the reasons for separation and whether you have children?

I do think a lot of it is co dependency and because he lost his mother so young, I also feel like I’ve held some sort of responsibility towards him and mothered him

Together for 17 years. Several children together.

Reasons for separation - realising I am worth more than him being such a negative drain on my life, he does nothing, i do everything, he drinks too much, hes self pitying but lacks empathy for others, he was bringing nothing positive to my life and had zero respect for me. I realised how much I had changed and how little I was valuing myself. He has said and done some vile things to me. I dont need that shit in my life. I am lighter mentally without him

It’s definitely a huge awakening when you don’t even recognise yourself anymore. How is your co parenting relationship ?

His parenting is minimal

We are still under the same roof at the moment but i pretty much do the parenting apart from one task which he has always done

Once we are living separately I feel like his interest and involvement with the dc will drop off even more

This isn't ideal but I can't force him to be better all I can do is be the best I can

I would involve the police now. He’s making threats to your boss and also intimidating him by constantly driving past his house. That’s not normal.
Oh and you’ve separated, so there’s no need whatsoever to wfh. Just go back to the office!

The thing is op, you don't owe people forgiveness. He can say what he likes but he attacked you and there's no excuses for that. Plebty people manage to drink without assaulting their partners.

Secondly, he's continued to abuse you all these years. Abuse isn't just physical.

Things like putting the axe in his car the other night for example. That must have been terrifying for you. And he meant it to be. He meant to terrorise you because he's an emotional terrorist.

Abusers convince you that your natural reactions to their horrible behaviour are 'overreactions'. That want you to keep putting up with their shit. They make you look inwards for fault, desperately trying to change yourself to fix the situation...to fix THEM. But it's just not possible!

Step off the merry go round of trying to change yourself. Of making yourself and your needs, smaller.

He assaulted you, abused you and is now stalking someone and continuing to harass you.
The problem is not with you.
You are not the villain.

If you'd stayed, your life would be a sad story forever. Constantly minimising yourself to try and stay safe. Dulling your shine in futile hopes 'for a quiet life'.

Now you have a chance to live in joy. To wake up each day and just, be, without having to worry about tiptoeing around your proton guard.

But please report the git to the police. And speak with womens aid for some advice. I think the national stalking helpline might also be of use to you in future.

*prison guard

xD

Believe me, I want nothing more than to go back into the office. I’m actually terrified that from all this they may have grounds to fire me. Just to keep the peace at home, I’m just staying here and not working and not earning money now as my holidays have now all gone. It’s a small family run company and my boss’ family used to own it so I know the loyalty would be with him and it would be me that gets the short straw unfortunately.

Living in peace is what I have dreamed of for years. Not to have to think of his needs or him feeling a certain way about something or changing my personality to fit his, or wondering whether he will return home from a binge of drinking. I don’t think it’s my place to report it, as I’ve told my boss to do that if he comes by again. I don’t want to cause more uproar for the sake of my kids

How is it with living together? We’ve done that for about a year and now when we officially separated, after all this we’ve gone back onto the same merry go round. Do you fear that you might slip back whilst living together? How are the kids? Have you told them anything?

This is ridiculous. Do not give up your job.

You must speak to the police. Your H needs to be dealt with appropriately.

Your DC are already living in a shit show. The sooner you end it and separate the better for them.

That's great news that he has moved into his own flat.
However, you still seem very emotionally entangled with him.
The best would be to go very low contact with him and only to discuss practical things like the child arrangements. It's madness that he is still controlling you going to work.

I suspect he doesn't really believe it's over.