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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Back here again 😟

220 replies

Em1988x · 11/04/2025 20:32

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4740999-divorce-lost This explains me being back here again. And now 37, couple years later and back to where I was 😒😔 I never left my husband purely because of being guilt tripped into staying and being the be to break up our family. I managed to pull away and 1 year ago moved out of our room and we have had pretty much zero contact sexually or barely conversations other than regarding the kids. 2 months ago I officially told him I was house hunting for me and the kids. And after that he told me to stay and he will find somewhere. However he will need a year here to save. I agreed. However I was under the illusion he knew this meant we are now separated however I am doing him a favour by allowing him to stay and get a house for him and the kids. So, I started seeing someone for dates, coffees etc. it was a work colleague and so stupid that I thought this would be ok and I didn’t tell him about it. I feel awful that our friendship developed into this, but it’s what has landed me in now bother. My ex (or husband ) I don’t even know what he is right now, found out and hit the roof. Threatened to kill the guy, tell our kids and turn them against me and make sure everyone knew. After 2 days of talking and crying and trying to explain how we got here. And just how broken I actually am from 21 years of neglect and hell, he has calmed down and takes 90% of the blame for me meeting someone else, however has said for us to make it work I will have to leave my job which I love and been at for 6 years, and the guy I’ve been seeing is still going to be dealt with. However I think if i leave my work and I stay with my husband then he won’t touch him. So he will be safe then. He has also since confessed that years ago he was sleeping with prostitutes behind my back, messages other girls. And now is back in debt and has built it up to 23k in the past year because I checked out the marriage he thought fuck it, might aswell. I feel sad and terrified at the thought of leaving my job, starting again and not seeing my work friends again, but then I feel sad and scared for my kids future if I leave and divorce and not knowing how my husband will be if he goes to ‘sort’ out my work colleague, is in debt and can’t afford anywhere half decent and possibly goes deeper into alcohol binges or debt. I really don’t know which is the lesser of two evils right now. I also feel worried and anxious that when I’m old, I won’t be financially secure because he will gamble again and remain in debt his whole life. I thought he would have learnt his lesson after the first couple of times, but now it’s over 100k debt over the years and wow it makes me sick!

Divorce??? Lost | Mumsnet

OK, new here, first post, I'm 35, kids 6 and 9, and looking for some guidance please. Been with my husband for 19 years and married 4 years. Been a ve...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4740999-divorce-lost

OP posts:
Original poster
Em1988x · 23/04/2025 12:29

At the moment I am signed off sick until Tuesday

OP posts:
boredwfh · 23/04/2025 12:30

Look it’s clear you’re gonna stay with him, bend over backwards to please him in regards to the job & he’ll still treat you like crap & you’ll be back on Mumsnet in a year saying the same things.

Maitri108 · 23/04/2025 12:32

Em1988x · 23/04/2025 12:29

Not sure what I’m asking for here, just so lost. Took the kids out for the day yesterday but couldn’t find any enjoyment, and this is a first for me, I’m usually so happy to be out with the kids

Not sure what I’m asking for here

Magic wand?

There's a saying: you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear. You come across as delusional but we all fear change.

BabyOrca · 23/04/2025 12:38

Whatever about you and your problems.

How selfish do you have to be to put an innocent man (your colleague) in dangers path like that?

That man is somebody's brother, son, friend.

TheAmusedQuail · 23/04/2025 12:42

What you need to do is:

  1. Tell your boyfriend what your husband has threatened. Let him go to the police.

  2. Do not give up your job.

  3. Go to a women's refuge. Move out. Get the police to accompany you to get your stuff out.

You won't do this. You'll stay and it'll continue.

But if you want a life at some point, you need to leave. Your husband is never going to. The only person that can change this is you. And really, deep down, you don't want to. You're still saying he's a good guy. He's alcoholic, drug addicted, violent, abusive and a gambling addict. One day he's going to kill someone.

whathaveiforgotten · 23/04/2025 13:04

He cheated with prostitutes multiple times, got you both into huge debt without your knowledge and threatens to physically attack people.

He is a bad guy. He literally is. And the fact he’s got you agreeing “he’s right, I’m fucked!” while you defend him is testament to what a skilled manipulator he is.

He is not a good man. He is not a good partner. He is not a good dad.

It is so sad to hear you defending him and talking yourself into staying in an abusive relationship.

Your children will be hugely affected by growing up witnessing this dynamic. And the longer they have to live under the same roof as the dynamic, the more likely they are to replicate it as adults.

Wallywobbles · 23/04/2025 13:09

I can’t quite understand how you’ve come to the conclusions you have.

Your husband is abusive because it works for him.

You've given him a massive stick to beat you with. And he is going to use it for the rest of your life.

He won’t be leaving in a year because he’ll still be in debt.

Your children will go on to repeat the relationship you’ve shown them so that will be fun.

You have the perfect opportunity to leave. Everyone will survive and quite possibly thrive. Report the threats to the police. Stay in the job. Move out of the house. Stop twiddling your fingers and do something to improve your life and above all your kids lives. Yes it’s scary. But really your husband threatens to kill people with an axe. You must realize that you cannot stay after that. Surely.

SapphOhNo · 23/04/2025 13:18

It gets to a point where you are just doing this to yourself... What do you want internet strangers to tell you that we haven't been telling you on both threads.

he's not a good person
he's not good for you
he is ruining your life and will continue to do so.

Your poor kids, prioritising him over them after all this.

Aroundthecorner00 · 23/04/2025 13:23

Is it not Stockholm syndrome or something to do with cognitive dissonance? He has done a lot of damage on the inside to get to the point where you want to continue in this relationship.

Smallmercies · 23/04/2025 13:23

Em1988x · 23/04/2025 12:27

Thought I’d take some time to think about things and obviously try to take all the comments on board. My husband isn’t a bad guy at all. He’s been a lot more attentive since it’s come out, and wants us to try make it work and start marriage counselling (counselling was my idea) he has taken a little of the responsibility of us getting to where we are now, and has said he thinks he has emotionally abused me for years and that has got to do something to a person. He’s right, I’m fucked! To put it loosely. He wants me to quit and find employment elsewhere, as my request to work from home has been denied by my employer. Husband is angry because my work colleague is managing director there and thinks he should have been able to sway their decision to let me wfh. He’s annoyed because it now affects me bringing in money, and my hours and flexibility were ideal for the kids, and doesn’t look possible to earn what I earn or have those hours elsewhere. So now he feels the pressure because he has these debts to pay, and now I’ve put us in this situation. My friends and family tell me to grow some balls and tell him I am going back to the office. I have a feeling it will be case of if I do, then he’ll say we’re over and will make my life misery with it. Or I don’t go back, find a job with long hours which I won’t enjoy and kids won’t have me around as much, but maybe our marriage will work then? His ego wants to go beat the guy but I’ve told him if he does then there is no way I would fall back in love with a man that is violent and risk going to prison.

Your husband is the DEFINITION of a bad man, and you are risking your own and other people's lives. However, you are clearly determined to continue on this insane path. 🤷‍♀️

Smallmercies · 23/04/2025 13:24

I hope your children are removed to a place of safety.

ThisChirpyFox · 23/04/2025 13:28

Em1988x · 12/04/2025 07:18

Thank you for the advise and If I read that from someone, I would be saying the same. I know it’s hard to see from how I described him above but he is a fantastic dad in the way of how he is with them, playing with them and showing up, and I know he’d go to the ends of the earth for his kids. The kids do absolutely adore him. That is what makes all this hard. If there wasn’t that then I’d be gone. I feel like I’d make the mistake of leaving, he goes off the rails, maybe lands himself in prison for attacking this guy, which I would then have to leave my job anywhere because of the drama with it. The kids are then without a dad and they grow up and learn of all this and blame me.

You are literally coming up with excuses again. You should have left the first time. How can he be a good dad, if he's threatening to harm others and gets the family in debt? Surely his actions have/will affect the kids. I read the replies from your first post, which gave sound advice. You didn't take it so not sure why you're back asking for similar.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 23/04/2025 13:29

My friends and family tell me to grow some balls and tell him I am going back to the office. I have a feeling it will be case of if I do, then he’ll say we’re over and will make my life misery with it.

So you say that if you go back to work he will leave you and make your life a misery?

Let me tell you this... one of three things will happen:

  1. You go back to work and he probably won't leave you, but will make you miserable anyway.
  2. You go back to work, he might leave and make you miserable anyway.
  3. Or you find another job, you are miserable, AND he makes you miserable to boot.

So... miserable no matter what. That's your lot. One of those options has a better outcome than the others. If you do option 2 and KICK him out, then you stand a chance of actually being happy after a period of misery. The other two are just misery forever.

You will not choose option 2.

Smallmercies · 23/04/2025 13:32

I fear your family is a lost cause 💔 . Your children will become damaged adults.

CanOfMangoTango · 23/04/2025 13:35

Do not quit your job. DO NOT.

Stop trying to rekindle your relationship. Your DH is a bad husband and a terrible father.

OchreRaven · 23/04/2025 13:53

Do not leave your job. He wants to isolate you from everything. He’s admitted the bare minimum. He hasn’t changed he’s just showing you what you need to see until he’s gets his way. He has major problems and you couldn’t wait to be rid of him a few weeks ago. And now he’s jealous of someone who treats you well you think this is him showing you love. Honestly he has done a number on you. He slept with prostitutes and gambled all your money away!!

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 23/04/2025 14:03

Divorce your husband.

He pays to overturn women's "no". That alone is cause for divorce, never mind the threats to your new lover and attempts to control you.

BabyOrca · 23/04/2025 14:19

Do you have a daughter?

Your daughter will grow up to think a man like this is normal. A man who threatens and uses violence, a man who cheats on her and uses prostitutes.

If you have a son, he will become that man.

How will you feel about that? Please see this person for what he is. Going by your username, it seems you have been with this guy since you were a teenager, so i understand its hard.

You need to think of him as an addiction. You need to get rid of it.

Starlight1984 · 23/04/2025 14:43

Em1988x · 11/04/2025 20:32

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4740999-divorce-lost This explains me being back here again. And now 37, couple years later and back to where I was 😒😔 I never left my husband purely because of being guilt tripped into staying and being the be to break up our family. I managed to pull away and 1 year ago moved out of our room and we have had pretty much zero contact sexually or barely conversations other than regarding the kids. 2 months ago I officially told him I was house hunting for me and the kids. And after that he told me to stay and he will find somewhere. However he will need a year here to save. I agreed. However I was under the illusion he knew this meant we are now separated however I am doing him a favour by allowing him to stay and get a house for him and the kids. So, I started seeing someone for dates, coffees etc. it was a work colleague and so stupid that I thought this would be ok and I didn’t tell him about it. I feel awful that our friendship developed into this, but it’s what has landed me in now bother. My ex (or husband ) I don’t even know what he is right now, found out and hit the roof. Threatened to kill the guy, tell our kids and turn them against me and make sure everyone knew. After 2 days of talking and crying and trying to explain how we got here. And just how broken I actually am from 21 years of neglect and hell, he has calmed down and takes 90% of the blame for me meeting someone else, however has said for us to make it work I will have to leave my job which I love and been at for 6 years, and the guy I’ve been seeing is still going to be dealt with. However I think if i leave my work and I stay with my husband then he won’t touch him. So he will be safe then. He has also since confessed that years ago he was sleeping with prostitutes behind my back, messages other girls. And now is back in debt and has built it up to 23k in the past year because I checked out the marriage he thought fuck it, might aswell. I feel sad and terrified at the thought of leaving my job, starting again and not seeing my work friends again, but then I feel sad and scared for my kids future if I leave and divorce and not knowing how my husband will be if he goes to ‘sort’ out my work colleague, is in debt and can’t afford anywhere half decent and possibly goes deeper into alcohol binges or debt. I really don’t know which is the lesser of two evils right now. I also feel worried and anxious that when I’m old, I won’t be financially secure because he will gamble again and remain in debt his whole life. I thought he would have learnt his lesson after the first couple of times, but now it’s over 100k debt over the years and wow it makes me sick!

2 months ago I officially told him I was house hunting for me and the kids. And after that he told me to stay and he will find somewhere. However he will need a year here to save. I agreed.

Oh come on. He isn't going anywhere. There is absolutely ZERO chance of him looking to move out.

EDIT - Sorry didn't mean to quote the whole OP!!!

Starlight1984 · 23/04/2025 14:55

So after telling us how your husband has been sleeping with prostitutes, messaging other women (and the rest), has threated to kill someone with an axe, threatened to turn your kids against you, run up over £60k of debt, has alcohol and gambling addictions and subjected you to 21 years of "neglect and hell", you go on to say...

My husband isn’t a bad guy at all. He is a fantastic dad in the way of how he is with them, playing with them and showing up.

OP. You know full well he is an EXTREMELY bad person. And a fucking awful father. No amount of "playing" with the kids can cancel out all the other horrific things he has done. He is an abuser, a cheat, a liar and to be honest, probably pretty dangerous.

You are deluding yourself. But I feel no amount of advice on here is going to make any difference so I wish you the best of luck and hope you and your children stay safe.

Starlight1984 · 23/04/2025 15:05

His ego wants to go beat the guy but I’ve told him if he does then there is no way I would fall back in love with a man that is violent and risk going to prison.

What the hell?!?! You're basically telling him not to go and beat someone up so that you will fall back in love with him?! Even though he's been sleeping with prostitutes behind your back, gambling, drinking, threatening to kill people...??? Yet you think you can "fall back in love" with him?

Also there is literally no chance of him saving to move out if he has £23k of debt. He knows it and you know it.

Sodthesystem · 23/04/2025 15:31

Sorry op but...are you on crack or something?

Your husband's IS a bad guy. A very bad guy.

As far as bad guys go, he's below Hitler, sure, but chances are him and Ted Bundy would get on nicely regarding how to treat women. Murder asside.

He's manipulative, aggressive (dangerous), abusive...basically a right evil fucker.

Until you stop lying to yourself about this and decide you need to stop trying to placate the devil (something you'll never manage, because no matter how small you make yourself, he.will.never.be.happy) and instead, get out of his bed, there's bugger all anyone can do to help you. You're cooked, as the young ones say.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 23/04/2025 16:25

Em1988x · 23/04/2025 12:29

Not sure what I’m asking for here, just so lost. Took the kids out for the day yesterday but couldn’t find any enjoyment, and this is a first for me, I’m usually so happy to be out with the kids

Well hopefully you're not asking for sympathy, because I'm pretty sure everyone who's tried to offer advice and support is all out of sympathy for you!

Original poster
Em1988x · 23/04/2025 17:24

Oh wow, feel like I’ve taken a right battering 😞 I do just want to live in peace with no regrets and no one getting hurt. Yes, I sound absolutely ridiculous the fact that I care about his mental health, but he is the father of my kids and whatever happens to their dad would have an impact on them for the rest of their lives. If we can part as friends then we all stand a better chance of escaping this with minimal damage. The kids have seen the odd bicker and spat but nothing that no other kid has seen. Any bad arguments and nasty words were usually when he had too much to drink and this was when they were younger and would have been tucked up sound asleep. When I say drug or alcohol addiction. I mean, in the week he worked, worked hard and didn’t take drugs or drink. The weekends yes, but never around the kids like what everyone is probably picturing. It was more a case of coke at the pub and coming back a couple of days later wasted or hungover.

OP posts:
LeavesOnTrees · 23/04/2025 17:28

Why are you putting this man's feelings above those of your children ?

They are growing up in an abusive home and you seem in complete denial about this.

Listen to your family and friends. You will NEVER have peace with this man.