Back here again 😟

[Em1988x]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4740999-divorce-lost This explains me being back here again. And now 37, couple years later and back to where I was 😒😔 I never left my husband purely because of being guilt tripped into staying and being the be to break up our family. I managed to pull away and 1 year ago moved out of our room and we have had pretty much zero contact sexually or barely conversations other than regarding the kids. 2 months ago I officially told him I was house hunting for me and the kids. And after that he told me to stay and he will find somewhere. However he will need a year here to save. I agreed. However I was under the illusion he knew this meant we are now separated however I am doing him a favour by allowing him to stay and get a house for him and the kids. So, I started seeing someone for dates, coffees etc. it was a work colleague and so stupid that I thought this would be ok and I didn’t tell him about it. I feel awful that our friendship developed into this, but it’s what has landed me in now bother. My ex (or husband ) I don’t even know what he is right now, found out and hit the roof. Threatened to kill the guy, tell our kids and turn them against me and make sure everyone knew. After 2 days of talking and crying and trying to explain how we got here. And just how broken I actually am from 21 years of neglect and hell, he has calmed down and takes 90% of the blame for me meeting someone else, however has said for us to make it work I will have to leave my job which I love and been at for 6 years, and the guy I’ve been seeing is still going to be dealt with. However I think if i leave my work and I stay with my husband then he won’t touch him. So he will be safe then. He has also since confessed that years ago he was sleeping with prostitutes behind my back, messages other girls. And now is back in debt and has built it up to 23k in the past year because I checked out the marriage he thought fuck it, might aswell. I feel sad and terrified at the thought of leaving my job, starting again and not seeing my work friends again, but then I feel sad and scared for my kids future if I leave and divorce and not knowing how my husband will be if he goes to ‘sort’ out my work colleague, is in debt and can’t afford anywhere half decent and possibly goes deeper into alcohol binges or debt. I really don’t know which is the lesser of two evils right now. I also feel worried and anxious that when I’m old, I won’t be financially secure because he will gamble again and remain in debt his whole life. I thought he would have learnt his lesson after the first couple of times, but now it’s over 100k debt over the years and wow it makes me sick!

I'd be willing to bet your children seem to 'adore' him, because they are in fact scared of him.

The fact you think that’s not that bad says it all 🙁. Kids pick up on a lot unfortunately. He is human and I’m sure he’s not evil as some have said but the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. He will bring you nothing but heartache as he has done nothing to inspire real long term change. You don’t need to defend him to MN. You were the one who couldn’t cope with him anymore and needed to get away. All we are saying is that this ‘change’ will not be permanent. If you want to go round in circles with him for the sake of your kids then that is your choice. But don’t fool yourself that life will get better long term.

You are right that you shouldn’t be dating right now. You need him out of your house and if it can be done amicably then that is best for everyone. If he really changes once he’s out of your home and you want him back you can reconcile.

See you again in 2 years?

or will you realise and leave. Stop making excuses to stay. Choose you!

Do bad men physically assault their wives? He twisted your wrist, stepped on your ankle and threw keys at your head. You described that as ‘nothing too bad’ at the time (when to most people it’s absolutely shocking and definitely relationship ending) so we know that your sense of reality when it comes to what is and isn’t healthy / normal / acceptable is completely distorted.

Have you had any solo counselling? Have you been completely honest during sessions if so? About evening including those physical assaults?

You need to prioritise getting some counselling SOLO asap. If he wants you to be happy and healthy he will be fine with you doing that.

Let me guess though, he wouldn’t be happy with you going without him?

Why are you still making excuses for him? You’re living in cloud cuckoo land if you think he’ll separate from you amicably. You’ll be better for it & it’ll be temporary but don’t buy he won’t allow it to be amicable. He’s never cared for your mental health so why do you care for his?

You need to get your head out of the clouds and think of your children.
I honestly can’t believe what I’ve just read.

OP, I left after 23 years. Convinced I had sheltered my children from the worst of it. Until they played me their phone recordings that they had been making for a long time when I thought they were tucked up in bed. Hearing them describe how they would prefer not to eat rather than pass through the room my husband was in during lockdown (and I was at work), and how they had been researching alcohol addiction and narcissistic personality disorder to find out what was wrong with him was beyond bleak. Hearing the lies he had told them about me paled into insignificance when I realised how they had attempted to navigate this alone. How they used to wonder what mood he would be in when he came in when they were primary school children. I failed them as their mother, I should never have tried to stay until my youngest left school. I thought a broken family was the most damaging thing that could happen to them. Now I see that it had been broken for years but I had refused to face it, don't let sunk cost fallacy keep you existing like this...

I get that you WANT an amicable split. But that's never going to happen. A lion is chewing on your leg. You might want to leave and for the lion to happily let you go. Maybe even roll over so you can give it a little tummy tickle before you leave.

The lion just wants to eat you.
That will never change.

Stop trying to have an amicable split with a man who means you harm and demonstrates it clearly and constantly.

Start looking into how you can escape quickly and safely. Your jailor is not going to free you. Steal the keys and run.

In 2 years time the eldest DC will likely (hopefully?) be making their own post asking for advice on how to get the hell out of that house and go NC from BOTH parents.

A dad who threatens to harm another man with an axe, uses prostitutes and is up to his eyes in debt because he went on a petulant spending spree is hardly going to be in the running for Dad of the Year Award. For the sake of your children, end this now.

As for him wanting you to quit your job ofcourse he does, so that you will be more financially dependent on him and isolated from the social benefits of colleagues which include the man in your new relationship.

Op , you come on and give us details of a litany of horrendous behaviour in both your threads. You say you basically agreed to separate and him save to get something else. You meet someone else and your separated husband threatens him with an axe? Then, when you've received good and honest advice you suddenly switch and he's not that bad and the kids love him?

I'm never ever harsh on here but quite honestly I don't know that you want honest advice and wonder if there's a bit of you enjoying all this drama at some level, otherwise you would be absolutely horrified that an innocent man was being so violently threatened and would kick the fucker out. And thats before what he's done in abusing your family financially and visiting prostitutes!

Im all for supporting people who genuinely need it, but you've been given such good advice so far and each time come on saying how he isn't thst bad...dear god.

He's an addict. Sooner or later, he's going to die from one of his addictions. Or he'll get into such debt from his gambling that a loan shark will come after him.

Wake up! You are complicit in your children living with an addict. If social services knew, you'd get the children taken off you.

I appreciate you're in a shit situation but you're STILL making excuses for it.

Frankly that’s the best possible outcome. Unfortunately there’s a much greater chance he’ll kill somone. Quite possibly the OP or one of the kids partners.

He is emotionally abusive
He's been violent
He's run up over 100k gambling debt, over several time spans
He's slept with prostitutes
He has messaged other women
He gaslights you saying it's your fault earnings might be less
He's disappeared on benders for days at a time
He threatened to take an axe to someone
Did I miss anything?
Oh, he plays with the kids sometimes.
Pros very very short there compared to cons list

He is NOT a good man or father. Get. Out. Now. Before you totally fuck your kids up for life.

Oh, and counselling isn't appropriate with an abusive relationship

This is true. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion.

Just get rid. You are making this worse for yourself and dc. Move out.
I haven’t read all your updates but you need to make a decision and stick to it.

Both these threads are just bonkers. Almost hard to believe it’s real. OP, if you’re real, I would just stop posting because you will never leave this man. What a waste of time and your life. Feel sorry for your children (and you).

Unsure of how you’ve gone from being separated and sleeping with someone else to suddenly deciding he’s a great man and time to try again.

You are deluded. Please wake up.

Every time you read something you come on and argue that he's not that bad, the children love him, its never in front of them, as if we are being too judgemental or something

Look it was YOU who told us all this! About how he took your motherhood and axe weilding at someone you quite justifiedly started a relationship with.

So I don't know what you want here

I don’t like the drama, it does feel like our whole relationship has been drama so maybe I am just used to it. I want peace, a life where I’m not waiting for something to happen or another screw up. We’ve been together since 15 and 17, I’m now 37. Just to point out he put the axe in his car yes with intention to possibly harm however he didn’t and thought better of it, he was just very angry at the time. I’ve told him his anger should be at me, not the other guy. His problem now is that he doesn’t know whether it’s better I work there as he’s hoping the other guy is too scared to try a relationship with me or whether he could trust me working elsewhere, and it happen again. Even though we had a conversation about me moving or him moving. He thinks we were still together as he hadn’t told anyone, whereas I did tell a couple of my friends and my mom. So yes, he feels betrayed and cheated on and because I’ve worked there for 6 years, he thinks it has gone on all that time.

Wow harsh. My children are loved and provided for and in no way would I allow them to be harmed and their dad would never hurt them. This is just a bad marriage, the kids are not hurt in anyway shape or form

Thank you for your comment. How are you now and how are your children? What’s your relationship like with you and ex?

No they don’t, however he doesn’t see that as abuse, especially because he was drinking on each occasion. However, being sober, never laid a finger on me. I haven’t tried solo counselling. I do know I need it, however I thought maybe marriage counselling might help guide us to a place where we can see if there is anything we can build on or if we should separate

Does he not think sleeping with prostitutes is cheating? Who cares if he lives in a different reality doesn’t make it true and it sounds like you are enabling these delusions rather than shutting it down.

I understand he was upset. He didn’t think there would be any real consequences to the way he has treated you and now he’s blaming you. Unless you have been misconstruing the situation in your post and you knew it wasn’t clear you were separated and were cheating why are you defending his point of view?

If you want to be with him then that’s your choice but you came here to ask how to get him out of your house and stop him hurting an innocent person. Your mindset seems to have changed. And your children will be affected by your bad marriage. It’s your choice to continue to expose them to this toxic environment.

Thank you 🙏 if I look back at the past then I know the change is temporary but he says that he has only gone back to his old ways these past few years because I checked out and stopped trying. So now I don’t know whether this is actually my fault and if I invested again and didn’t check out then right now we would be great