Back here again 😟

[Em1988x]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4740999-divorce-lost This explains me being back here again. And now 37, couple years later and back to where I was 😒😔 I never left my husband purely because of being guilt tripped into staying and being the be to break up our family. I managed to pull away and 1 year ago moved out of our room and we have had pretty much zero contact sexually or barely conversations other than regarding the kids. 2 months ago I officially told him I was house hunting for me and the kids. And after that he told me to stay and he will find somewhere. However he will need a year here to save. I agreed. However I was under the illusion he knew this meant we are now separated however I am doing him a favour by allowing him to stay and get a house for him and the kids. So, I started seeing someone for dates, coffees etc. it was a work colleague and so stupid that I thought this would be ok and I didn’t tell him about it. I feel awful that our friendship developed into this, but it’s what has landed me in now bother. My ex (or husband ) I don’t even know what he is right now, found out and hit the roof. Threatened to kill the guy, tell our kids and turn them against me and make sure everyone knew. After 2 days of talking and crying and trying to explain how we got here. And just how broken I actually am from 21 years of neglect and hell, he has calmed down and takes 90% of the blame for me meeting someone else, however has said for us to make it work I will have to leave my job which I love and been at for 6 years, and the guy I’ve been seeing is still going to be dealt with. However I think if i leave my work and I stay with my husband then he won’t touch him. So he will be safe then. He has also since confessed that years ago he was sleeping with prostitutes behind my back, messages other girls. And now is back in debt and has built it up to 23k in the past year because I checked out the marriage he thought fuck it, might aswell. I feel sad and terrified at the thought of leaving my job, starting again and not seeing my work friends again, but then I feel sad and scared for my kids future if I leave and divorce and not knowing how my husband will be if he goes to ‘sort’ out my work colleague, is in debt and can’t afford anywhere half decent and possibly goes deeper into alcohol binges or debt. I really don’t know which is the lesser of two evils right now. I also feel worried and anxious that when I’m old, I won’t be financially secure because he will gamble again and remain in debt his whole life. I thought he would have learnt his lesson after the first couple of times, but now it’s over 100k debt over the years and wow it makes me sick!

He did leave yes. It’s been 2 weeks and he’s had dd a 3 times over night and ds once. I am wft home now as that is what he wanted. We sought counselling but he didn’t find useful however said he would continue. But he didn’t want me disclosing everything between us. We just spoke about the gambling which resulted in losing house and my ‘affair’ we are on a trial separation so that is what we told the kids. It’s been good up until yesterday when he had a day off work (booked off) he was meant to pick us ds at 3.30 from me, he sat waiting with his bag and PlayStation packed up and excited. But he never did come. Ds called him and he was drunk. Ds was very sad and broke my heart seeing that. I called him and told him he wasn’t have him whilst drunk and no way would he be collecting him. He text at 5 to say he was back home but I told him I think we should leave it considering he is drunk and do on Sunday. He replied back at 9.30 going off on me calling me a bitch and I’ve ruined his life, hope he was worth it, I’ve broken him and he won’t be ok for a long time now.

You are not in a good position to be dating. You need to step up and be the adult for your children, focus on the priorities first and foremost by getting your home situation under control (by getting rid of your vile ex).

heaven knows why this new man would want to be involved with you while all this complexity is going on. Talk about baggage.

please don't give up your job, it's your route out of this mess. Stay financially independent. Block him out of your life other than getting the divorce sorted out and access to the DC, other than that, he's toxic and you don't need his abuse,

Counselling is pointless if you aren’t being open and honest.

End your marriage it’s a complete farce, your H will bully you and victimise himself until the end of time.

you need therapy. Serious levels of therapy. You didnt have an affair, you told your husband it was over and then stated seeing someone else. Tell your children that when the time is right. You havent broken him. He was paying prostitutes for years. Has that been told to people down the pub? Or the gambling?

i cannot believe you called this absolute piece of shit a great father in this thread. His behavioir and actions have been awful and he will have damaged your children. Get them counselling too. Have aomeone else be there for drop offs and pick ups. And stop communicating with him outside a parenting app.

OP, please get counselling for you alone and be honest. He has done such a number on you. Reading some of your posts I could shake you! Unless you do, your life is going to remain like this and honestly, it'll be your own fault.
Your poor kids.

This

I say this with respect: you are entrenched in victim mode and not only enabling him to carry on with his disgusting behaviour but actively collaborating. Why do you keep pointing out his 'good' side? As if it ,makes up for anything. You really don't want to split with him. You haven't seen the light even though you think you have. Make your life a misery if you split up? As opposed to what? The misery he's caused for years and continues to do so?

We are not living together. My update was about him letting his son down last night. I am not dating anyone, and I am wfh to try lessen the blow to all involved

What he did to your son was unforgivable, he's teaching that little boy that the adults in his life can't be trusted. That disappointment will live with him for a very long time.

how are you going to move your life forward from here? You need to have a plan and go through with it to take back control. Don't waste year after year letting him drag you and your son down.

I Know and I a devastated for my children and do some how feel responsible because it was me that chose to end our relationship in the end. Would he still let him down if we were together if I go off past actions, then yes however I always covered it well so they didn’t feel the let down as much. Now they have to take this burden on themselves. Yes I will be here and all I do is work and take care of my kids. I don’t go out and I don’t drink (stopped 3 years ago even just having a glass of wine to make up for the fact ex drank too much) so I will be here for everything they need. I don’t have a plan because I can’t tell how he will be from one day to the next. He’s just shown up to take dd to footy as he coaches them. He was surprised to see that I had a chain and bolt fitted to door, and ring cam, he thinks it because of him but it was actually because I am here with my kids and my dad wanted extra security for us, he asked if I wanted the key back, told him no.

Jesus Christ! Take the key back! He’ll be muscling his way back in soon. Stop being so naive!

I didn’t take it because when he has kids and incase I’m not home, I want him to be able to bring them back and get anything they need or may have forgotten. I hope that it shows I am willing to be flexible and I am not hiding some guy here

You may not be living in the same space but you're still very much together.

But this is you bending over backwards again. You need boundaries. He will continue to try control & abuse you from a distance. Tell you it’s all your fault, guilt you into taking him back etc. you need to be ok guard, he is not your friend, he does not have yours or your kids best interests at heart. He is only looking out for himself.
You say your kids are older I think. Can one of them not have a key?

I am yes, because I do want a nice as possible co parenting relationship. We agreed on this 2 weeks ago and he was adamant kids would not be affected but after a night of drinking it’s all gone off the rails. He is 11 and not the most reliable haha. I could try that yes but ex could just get a key cut if that is what he wanted

I suppose it’s hard to not be that way when been together for 22 years, how do you detach from that?

For the sake of your DC end it properly.

Stop trying to cover up for him, let him “fail” let them see what he is really like. The current situation is more damaging, it’s confusing for them.

BTW you can’t have a “nice coparenting relationship” with your ex because he’s ABUSIVE he will emotional abuse them to get at you.

You need boundaries for contact, fixed contact and no more key to your house. The DC will soon learn to organise things and ex will have to buy stuff for his house.

Put your CMS claim on and start the divorce.

You need help, OP. He has done this to you. It's not your fault. I am no the only one who sees this, as you can see from the comments on this thread. Ask yourself, are we all wrong? What do we have to gain from lying to you? What is the most likely scenario - that we all have him wrong or are judging him harshly? Or that we actually see this situation clearly because we are not involved and have no agenda?

He will NEVER change. You hate this life but are choosing it, every single time with your actions, constantly appeasing him and trying prove how good and trustworthy, reasonable and reliable you are. You cannot see that all these are not redeemable, worthy attributes in his book, but pathetic weaknesses and stupidity, chinks in your armour that make it as easy as pie for him to manipulate you.

You need to seek professional help. He has screwed with your brain. He is still screwing with your brain.💐

So you care more about him than you do your kids? , no i am not dressing this up it is what it is

I have been in your shoes OP. I wanted my DC to have a good relationship with their father even though he was an alcoholic and a drug user, living a chaotic disordered life. I covered for him A LOT. And as a result, my DC blamed me for our divorce.

Of course, later, as DC got older they worked out what was going on. But I did them no favours by covering for my disordered ex.

You've got to let go and let him crash and burn in full view of your children. It's the only way to detach. And it may well be what turns him around. Because addicts have to reach rock bottom before they can start looking for the light. And he hasn't yet because you're protecting him.

No, no, no, you need to get that key back.

Even after all this you're saying it's your fault because you chose to end it.yoi don't seem to see that staying around him is doing the damage to them.

You aren't really any further forward than you were in your thinking.

Yep, feeling guilty and like it’s my fault and once the kids know from him that it was my decision to part then they will blame me for him not being around. I know they will see it when they are older but can’t stand the thought of them not liking me whilst they are young. Ex says that I caused this and to blame for him not showing up yesterday

Your kids need age appropriate truth, that Daddy has been unkind to you for a long time, that he is unreliable and you don’t want to live with someone who treats you so badly.

Age appropriate truth is not bad mouthing.