Back here again 😟

[Em1988x]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4740999-divorce-lost This explains me being back here again. And now 37, couple years later and back to where I was 😒😔 I never left my husband purely because of being guilt tripped into staying and being the be to break up our family. I managed to pull away and 1 year ago moved out of our room and we have had pretty much zero contact sexually or barely conversations other than regarding the kids. 2 months ago I officially told him I was house hunting for me and the kids. And after that he told me to stay and he will find somewhere. However he will need a year here to save. I agreed. However I was under the illusion he knew this meant we are now separated however I am doing him a favour by allowing him to stay and get a house for him and the kids. So, I started seeing someone for dates, coffees etc. it was a work colleague and so stupid that I thought this would be ok and I didn’t tell him about it. I feel awful that our friendship developed into this, but it’s what has landed me in now bother. My ex (or husband ) I don’t even know what he is right now, found out and hit the roof. Threatened to kill the guy, tell our kids and turn them against me and make sure everyone knew. After 2 days of talking and crying and trying to explain how we got here. And just how broken I actually am from 21 years of neglect and hell, he has calmed down and takes 90% of the blame for me meeting someone else, however has said for us to make it work I will have to leave my job which I love and been at for 6 years, and the guy I’ve been seeing is still going to be dealt with. However I think if i leave my work and I stay with my husband then he won’t touch him. So he will be safe then. He has also since confessed that years ago he was sleeping with prostitutes behind my back, messages other girls. And now is back in debt and has built it up to 23k in the past year because I checked out the marriage he thought fuck it, might aswell. I feel sad and terrified at the thought of leaving my job, starting again and not seeing my work friends again, but then I feel sad and scared for my kids future if I leave and divorce and not knowing how my husband will be if he goes to ‘sort’ out my work colleague, is in debt and can’t afford anywhere half decent and possibly goes deeper into alcohol binges or debt. I really don’t know which is the lesser of two evils right now. I also feel worried and anxious that when I’m old, I won’t be financially secure because he will gamble again and remain in debt his whole life. I thought he would have learnt his lesson after the first couple of times, but now it’s over 100k debt over the years and wow it makes me sick!

If you report him he may be told to stay away from you, which would get him out sooner.

Are you worried he will trash your home if you go to work or something?

Have you had a convo with work about what's going on? Maybe they don't need to fire you if the time off can be agreed upon.

But heres the thing op, I don't believe he will leave. I think you need to make him leave. I'm guessing the 1 bed apartment will mysteriously fall through. He wants to stay and keep abusing you. It takes time to groom people into codependency and if he wanted a new victim he's have to start that whole processes again.

You've told him it's over, if he keeps making unwanted advances then that's what the police are for. You should see a solicitor regarding divorce and getting him out or, you leaving. Don't leave it up to him. Because he's not going anywhere without you making it happen.

Last night we discussed telling the kids tonight so it’s not like we’re telling them and then he’s moving out next day. So will give them a few days to adjust. But then dropped on me that he would never tell the kids that I had an affair ( he sees it as affair because we’ve worked together so long and I’ve admitted there was office flirting before I told my husband I wanted to separate) so I hold my hands up to that and class it as an affair now. 😩 however, he’s said that he can’t promise other people won’t tell the kids and will just have to deal with that then, and whether we should just tell them what happened before anyone else tells them. Apparently another guy at my work drinks in the pub where his friends go, and word could get around. This thought terrifies me, as I’m not sure how an 11 and 8 year old would react to it .

Surely you can see this is all emotional manipulation? So you’re breaking up because of your supposed affair? Yet him sleeping with prostitutes, gambling & getting you into debt etc doesn’t count? And how on earth would an 8 & 11 year old hear about your ‘affair’ from someone down the pub. Why would any adult tell your children about this? They wouldn’t, he’s trying to manipulate you into staying. As others have said he has no intention of moving out. I’d be surprised if this 1 bed rental exists given how much debt he’s in & I’d imagine his credit rating is shot. Rentals are in such short supply. He’s getting you focussing on all the wrong things. When is he due to move out? Have you got proof that he has this rental? Do not engage in conversations that are designed to make you feel guilty. You’ve been brainwashed by him which is understandable after so many years.

@Em1988x can you get some counselling? He's really done a number on you to make you believe the rubbish he's spouting. You DIDN'T have an affair. He DID cheat on you with prostitutes and he IS an abusive arsehole.

You didn’t have an affair. Just draw a line and move on. If you think your kids haven’t seen anything, or don’t understand what has been going on, you are mistaken. They will be relieved with the split.

@Em1988x I don't mean to sound harsh but this is getting silly now. Why are you telling a man who abuses and gaslights you so much detail about everything? All your doing is giving him more ammunition and reasons to blame you. Your still accepting blame here and ignoring everything he has done, why?!

By all means, let him tell the children about the affair. It's unlikely they will be blindsided and turn against you. They are old enough that they will have seen, or atleast heard more of what's been going on at home over these many years. You know exactly why he's doing this, threatening your colleague hasn't stopped you preparing to leave him so now he's threatening to work on trying to turn the kids against you (like he already said he would)

I know its hard but stop letting him get in your head. Continue with the plan and soon you will be free. Also speak to a domestic abuse charity or a counsellor, Its took so long to get to this stage. Dont end up back at square 1 again for the next umpteen years.

Don't you think you should tell the police that your husband is threatening to harm your colleague?

Ultimately yes, I’ve decided to end us ‘officially’ because of the affair being in the open now. I did tell husband that we were over couple of months ago, as I developed stronger feelings for my colleague and so thought I was doing the right thing but I guess I didn’t because we knew each other beforehand and have always been close friends through work. So in my husbands eyes it’s a betrayal. He wants us to stay together and feels like I’ve thrown the towel in, even though I’m the one in the wrong . He has accepted 80% of the blame for us being in this position now. However, on the same hand will not accept me and AP having a future relationship at all, and does live in the hope of us rekindling in the future. He keeps digging and looking up all my work colleagues to try get more info and evidence that it’s been going on a lot longer.

I haven’t a clue, I think maybe his plans are take the kids around the people that might find out but I can’t see why an adult would tell a kid. He has said he’s looking out for me by warning me and has told his friends that nothing went on. However, I did say to him maybe if you told people we had separated but still living together a couple of months ago then people wouldn’t be looking it as an affair.

I found the rental for him. It’s a woman that lets out the downstairs to a big farm house, so I do believe he’s signed, but it is a month by month rental. I do feel like I always bow down to him and do what he wants, and always looking out for his interests. I’m kicking myself now that 2 months ago I didn’t just move out myself or tell him to go, instead of being nice by letting him stay and save money.

We did see a counsellor together so going forward I am going to be seeing one yes. I struggle to see clear and get talked around too easy. Correct, but he says that is in the past and I need to move on

Because he turns it back onto me and I do hold myself accountable in a way because I seen it coming with this guy and should have ended it with my husband on my occasions yet always felt bad on him. I’ve tried to me honest with him to a degree because I’m terrified of living in fear that he’ll be asking people all about me and then rumours start.

It is really hard when he’s here and constant conversations about it and going back and fourth. Once he has moved out Friday I will feel relieved for sure. I do fear that the kids will see it as mom did wrong and kicked dad out. Losing my kids is the only fear I have in life

Plenty of men badmouth their exes to their children. Mine did it. You just have to try to ride it out. One day, your kids will be grown up and it'll be in the past.

He's trying to manipulate you into staying together. Just stand firm. FFS do not back down again.

I think you are deluded if you think staying with him is going to be OK.

He is taking you for a ride and you haven't got it in you to do the decent thing and get yourself out of there with your kids.

I am lost at what you want from this new post as on the previous thread, the advice was very much the same as it is now.

Losing my kids is the only fear I have in life.

That is not actually true, because in the previous post you said
I’m terrified of living in fear that he’ll be asking people all about me and then rumours start.

You are afraid of lots and lots of things. There is no shame in that.

The way I see it, you keep prioritising feelings over actions. You give too much importance to how he feels, how you feel, how the children feel, how everyone else feels.
Feelings and emotions are just not that important.
What is important is what you actually DO.

STOP LISTENING TO HIS BULLSHIT.

If a random stranger in the street through a bunch of keys at your head would it be ok?
If you were in the pub with your husband would he throw a bunch of keys at your head? Would people watching say…
oh it’s ok, Dave’s a bit pissed, it’s not abusive?
Neither situation is okay. It’s not okay he did it in private.
Stop listening to him, he sounds unhinged. Stop worrying if people find out about your affair.
And as for the ‘the kids knew nothing we’d never heard them’ many adults on here have been traumatised whilst pretending to be asleep hearing all sorts of horrible stuff going on in the house. And never, ever mentioning it due to fear.
This is damaging your kids at 11 and 8. Live your own life, go back to your job, and stop worrying about this abusive, nasty piece of work.

You’ve been slowly taken over by one of those aliens that get into your mind. Your own values opinions and beliefs have been eroded and replaced by his self serving ones. That inner voice that pipes up and says this isn’t right has been gaslighted and scared into the corner and told to face the wall. It’s very normal in these situations. It happened to me any many others. Listen to that inner voice not the one he has put in your head. It’s scary, you are right to be scared of this man because he is not who he says he is and you know this. Get support to get out and then get support to keep him away. He is not your friend, he is a dangerous parasite. You have to be brave.

You are drowning in fear and it’s clouding everything. You kids will not do this. I can assure you that when you are free the fear will stop blinding your thoughts and you will start to shine and your kids will know this. You will be able to counter this when your energy is switched from trying to survive. Fear is keeping you from seeing the way, you have to believe it will clear.

But hold on, this axe threat situation is now right? So no actually its not all behind him....and, he's trying to convince you he didn't hit you, when he did.

You feel like the villain because hes going out of his way to try to paint it like that so you don't leave! This is all classic. If power and violence doesn't work, try pity. Reframe yourself as the real victim in all this and voila! The other person feels guilty.

The thing is, you should obviously and definitely leave. But you should consider you might be in danger if you do. He is who you know he is and he doesn't want you to leave.

Ah sorry he's leaving Friday...OK well that's good. You're not gonna be there when he leaves are you?

What ever you do or say he will bad mouth you. Just like he has convinced you it was an affair 🙄

Do the right thing for you you and get your DC out of this shitshow of a “family”. They and you will all be so so so much happier once it’s done.

You need to use a court approved parenting app and block him elsewhere. It’s the only way to stop him messing with your head.

I would never go back. He makes my skin crawl. I dont even have sympathy for him anymore. Literally cannot fucking stand him

How are you doing OP? Has he gone?

I think you are focussing too much on who is to blame. It doesn't matter who did what. You don't want to be with him any more You are allowed to feel that. Shut down conversations about whose fault it is and keep telling him that.

I doubt op will be back