He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

I don’t know if there is anyone on here who still remembers this thread but I just wanted to post an update because I’ve taken comfort from re-reading this lately in light of recent developments. So, I met up with my ex recently (we still live very nearby) and he claimed that the reason he went looking for someone else on swinging websites was because I put on weight. I went from a size 10 to 14 (thanks to the menopause largely). And so I was not his type for about four years. Despite living with me for 10. I am fine but I am angry that he still tries to blame me for it ending. Big orange cat and I are absolutely fine. I’m annoyed I engaged with him again. He can still make me feel rubbish after all this time. How long does it take to get feeling back to yourself? I’ve been very up and down - mostly up for the past few months but now feeling down. (And fat!)

His behaviour is vile and disgusting. You know this. Saying all this stuff to you has made him feel better about himself and is helping him to justify the stuff he did with that other woman / women in his head. He doesn’t look after himself properly and really isn’t a good catch at all. There is no point trying to reason with him or discuss anything with him. He is only interested in himself and lacks the insight or understanding of what it is to be a decent partner in a truly committed relationship over the long term. You're way too good and classy to be wasting your time on this wastrel.

Honest to goodness, hand on heart, they say the things that they have let themselves believe to excuse the acknowledgement they are f*ckheads. And somehow find the thing that'll sting the most - weight is one, money is another (mine was I'd "spent all his money while he was in Afghanistan" - yeah, mate - on the mortgage, the utility bills, paying off his credit card and the bank loan etc). And - he'd been miserable for years ... (didn't keep him out of our bed, made me think every intimacy was actually an assault).

You weren't what he wanted anymore (in my case he wanted someone 18 years younger than me). It's easier for these men to blame their partner rather than admit they are lightweights, cheats etc. It isn't you. It's them.

I won't lie, its takes a long time to become indifferent- but it will happen. You and big orange cat got this, it just takes time ❤

Yes, I remember you. I was impressed by how promptly you kicked him out. Well done on keeping him at bay. That comment from him is a reminder of how much he needs to evolve. What a joke. I take it he looks like Brad Pitt. Sending strength & warm
wishes.x

Oh op, I remember you. I'll be honest, it was ginger cat that made me check the date of posting though! He sounds as delightful as ever 😡. I presume he is a beautiful physical specimen?! You're well rid x

OP he said that about the weight to hurt you..amd it took him a few months to even think of a way to hurt you, pathetic little man. If it was genuinely about weight he would of mentioned it straight away, he's clutching at straws at a last ditch attempt to hurt you because he's hurt you won't take him back. Don't fall for it

As I was reading through your posts I wondered why it had popped up in my feed as it was so long ago and I was also in awe of how you handled everything, you seem lime such a nice genuine person

Don't let this grubby little man make you feel any way, he's a dirty old lonely man who no-one is interested in

I followed your thread as well and thought you were brilliant (and big orange cat adorable).

Look at it this way, he has just said out loud, "I'm completely shallow and have been for a very long time."

He was trying to be clever and hurt you, and make you feel it was your fault, but it just makes him sound disgusting and stupid.

He's pathetic and you are well rid. Have a drink and celebrate getting him out of your life!

He can go on fabswingers and find someone skinny on his own time. Don’t engage in any weight conversations with him. He’s a proven liar.

I remember you and your ginger cat too. Glad you're both doing well apart from the interlude by your ex-twerp.

As others have pointed out, he said it to hurt you and lay the blame at your door. I mean, what else could he do but register on a swinging site and hook up with someone without ending things with his wife first? No other choices at all. Poor lamb, it must have been very difficult for him.

Take it as a reminder of why you made exactly the right choice. He's the only extra weight in your life and you've done marvellously at losing him.

You know this says more about how shit he's feeling inside don't you? Why else would he want to dig the knife deeper? He's a cheating perv and he knows it. All for himself trying to pass the blame.

Your size is irrelevant and sounds absolutely fine. I'm that size and don't feel fat. We can lose weight but he can't lose his shit personality.

Don't engage again. Go through someone else if you have to for any financial reasons.

Glad you and ginger cat are well. This is pathetic. It took him that long to realise his feelings? Bollocks. He sees you are moving on and wants to stomp you down. Next time remind him of his own beauty and how you stayed with him nevertheless. Let’s see how much he likes that.
It has nothing to do with your weight op.

Oh OP! How are you and Big Orange?

It can take a year or more to get fully over a long relationship, so just be kind to yourself. Your ex may be a complete twat, and you may not be grieving him at all now, but just getting over what you could have had (if he hadn’t blown it by being an arsehole).

I hope that makes sense - my own lovely cat woke me very early for breakfast and I’m not sure if my brain has fully caught up 😅

I remember you OP (and orange cat) and I’m still full of admiration for you.
Don’t let this poor excuse of a man gaslight you into thinking less of yourself. Laugh at his comments, eye roll and say ‘whatever make you feel better, you moron. I’ve never been happier’.
All of us are rooting for you and delighted you’ve rid yourself of a complete and utter b***d!
Keep strong OP and fight for your new and better life.

OP: don't let this vile man make you feel bad about your body!!!

Weight gain and loss are all part of various life stages we go through as women. It's normal for weight to go up and down.
But this man doesn't want normal. He doesn't want a loving relationship. He wants a sexual fantasy he saw in porn and was stupid enough to throw his life away for it (what a sad life for him). As much as he can find someone as perverted as him on a weird website for sex and for a quick fix, he will not find emotional connection there and that is guaranteed. So my prediction is that he will end up sad and alone with erectile dysfunction at some point when he's older and nobody left to talk to because he's not a nice human being. Just lots of regrets, that's what he will be left with. That's not me being spiteful, I do genuinely believe that this will be his reality in a few years.

Whilst you, beautiful OP can live with the thought of you being strong and being able to stand up for yourself. You know you deserve better and you have plenty of time to find it! My mom who is now almost 60 found her true love in her early 50s. They are getting married this year.

Also I will mention, although less relevant but may make you feel better, that I have recently lost a lot of weight and went down from size 16-18 to 12-14 and everyone keeps telling me how skinny I look so the words 'skinny' and 'fat' are very subjective depending on who's looking at you honestly. To some people I'm fat and to some (who have known me when I was bigger) I am now 'skinny'. These words do not mean anything. What matters is you and whether you are healthy. Please take care of YOU and forget that idiot.

Agree with pp! It’s such a lame thing to say and he said it because he knows that what he did was unjustifiable. He’s grasping at straws.

You are so much better off without him. You will feel better off soon.

Ha! I bet he said that!! Because that is far more palatable, to him, than the actual truth, which is “I am a lying, cheating, toad”.
He fucked around, got found out and now he’s living with the consequences….and he STILL cannot accept responsibility? Blergh. He has the self awareness of a tin can. You may well have put on weight (don’t we all? And I am bloody certain he is no Brad Pitt!) but that is nowhere near as unattractive as being a lying, deceitful, duplicitous wanker. Which is what he is. You are very well rid. Tell him you’ve lost weight - about 13 stone of useless twat!!!!

It’s always someone else’s fault. He’s a lazy coward. It’s not you, it’s him.

This is so true, and helpful to keep in mind when it’s tough.

It’s a slow process but it happens and things ease up gradually, just hang on in there and remember this.

Your weight has nothing to do with this Op, he wanted a regular relationship and sex with strangers, if you'd never found him out you'd still be together. He lost you and his home for a cheap thrill, he's just annoyed you found him out and so quickly and easily. Hope you and Orange cat have a lovely Christmas

Hi Op, I remember you. It’s always the relationship threads I think of every so often and hope people are happy! I’m sorry to hear that he’s making you feel like sh*t still. It absolutely is not your fault and your rational brain knows that but you were committed to this man so your heart will always be hurt by this. Honestly if life was just fine without him then I’d disengage again and go about your life without his input. Life happens and weight fluctuates, by his thinking my husband should be on swinging websites (2 c sections in 2 years has really changed my body!). Have you been happier without his influence? If so then you know it’s right to step away again. Focus on creating a new life, finding a new hobby/craft, looking after orange cat and making the home and environment you deserve. Best of luck OP, come back whenever you need reassurance or a kick away from him! X

@Imustbestupid id rather be “fat” ( your not ) than a nasty cheating no doubt disease carrying arsehole like him.
It does take a long time to get your confidence back , have you did any counseling ? This could fast track you to releasing it’s not you.

What did you meet him ?
Honestly op delete and block in every way possible .

It’s not your weight OP, or anything you did or said or didn’t do it didn’t say.
It’s his big fat ego and big fat lies that caused this.
He needs a justification for his vile behaviour which absolve him of blame, it’s as simple as that. If you’re not to blame then he is, and that’s totally at odds with how he wants to see himself. The cognitive dissonance of knowing he’s been a shit (and is still pretty good at it if vile insults are all he’s got) but desperately trying to convince himself he’s the good guy, blow his mind. The square peg won’t bash into the round hole, so he lashes out at you to make himself feel better.
Don’t feel down, feel relieved that you know for a fact that he’s a total knob and that thank God he’s not your total knob any more. Feel sorry for his next victim and proud of yourself.
The best weight you’ll ever lose in your life is the several stone’s worth of this nasty, useless man.
Head high, your worth isn’t measured by what an amoral toerag thinks.

What a prick .

Gah! I am furious for you. Don't let that scumbag get you down. I will echo what a PP said- indifference does take a long time to develop so I can't blame you for feeling needled about his comment. He's no prize specimen is he and I suspect that he's finding it rather difficult on his own. Otherwise he would be out there having a whale of a time instead of devising ways to bring you down. Onwards and upwards!