He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

I also get my melatonin from Piping Rock - they've never let me down with fairly fast delivery and reasonable prices. They often have sales so I usually buy in bulk at those times.

Also sedating antihistamines from Boots - SleepEze or something. They work well for me, though I only take them now and again.

Wishing you the best of luck and am really glad you're doing so well!

OP, look up exercises/stretching that are especially for just before bed.
They induce calm, reduce cortisol levels and anxiety.
They help to shake it all out.

I learnt them 30 years ago in yoga.
Game changer IMO.

This loser would inevitably become very very controlling of you as you age.
His life is so small, he would want to control yours.

Surprisingly common in older men.
This is a real blessing.

Do not allow him past your front door.
He's the type that will now want to remajn friends if you say no to taking him back.

Keep telling him "Clean break is best".
Don't ask ANYTHING about him, if you bump into him, walk briskly by.

Don't give him the tiniest in to use you ever again.
He will try.

If he tells you he is lonely, suggest he go on his Apps!

Piriton is great at night for my sinuses....it also helps me sleep.

Glad to hear this OP, your house, your security! and I’m so sorry this is happening to you. In answer to one of your questions, yes there are good men out there, but it appears to be a lottery. When all’s said and done though you are better being on your own than living with a cheater. Thinking of you even though I don’t know you, stay strong

I have no advice but just wanted to say that you sound awesome and ex just sounds like a millstone round your neck that you’ve finally managed to shake off.

Not sure what he expected you to do when he turned up at your house like an unwashed feral raccoon- did he really think you were going to offer him laundry service, a hot bath and a rub-down with a damp edition of the Radio Times? Don’t cave! The gym must be open more than one day a week, and launderettes exist. Or in light of the PP whose husband was in to boot licking, perhaps Ex can find someone with a laundry fetish on one of his swinger websites?

PMSL at this!

OP I was just coming on to say the same. I was on this thread at the beginning and I'm so pleased to see you're doing better and haven't caved to his inevitable manipulation.
Becuase that's what it is and I hope you realise that. The "woe is me, I haven't washed for a week, here's some flowers" are simply cunning acts to get you (a kind and empathetic person) go feel very sorry for him and think about maybe taking him back as he's clearly so sad and pathetic without you. As Inertia
says, he could shower every day if he wanted to - it is simply that he's feeling very sorry for himself and is trying to make you soften towards him. Don't fall for it. He had it cushy with you and has obviously now realised with horror that he's fucked up spectacularly and must now go back to residing in his hovel! Of course he's going to come crawling - he's realised what he's lost!

Maybe his hook up didn't work out eh? Shame!

Me too absolute legend lol

His answer to your question tells you everything you need to know. If your cheating on him would have no effect then he doesn’t value you either as an individual or his partner - your morals mean nothing to him because he’s basically only interested in his own gratification and sees sex as recreational. You can’t forge a meaningful relationship with this OP. You’ve done well to get to ten years, but how much do you really know about what’s gone on in that time ?

Don’t waste your time trying to understand it - or him. You’ve done the right thing and now it’s time to take care of yourself.

I've been a shocking sleeper since menopause days. I don't know if it's just me but I tried melatonin and realised I was starting to feel depressed. I don't normally have depression (I am anxious though) and it lifted when I stopped the melatonin. There are different solutions for different people, I won't bore you with mine but I will say that getting anxious about not sleeping is enough to keep you awake. Try to relax and enjoy the space in your bed, read a bit, take a nice warm drink and just think to yourself "oh well I'm resting". It may help.

Just read the whole thread. You are fantastic OP. I want to be you when I grow up.

only to agree with the others. Here to handhold but also agree to go with your gut instinct.
tbh - almost laughed when i read he had been away 'shopping' for 5 hours with nothing to show.
(I wonder where he parked.)
good luck.

Late to the thread op but I have RTET and I too want to say how much i admire your courage and wish you continued strength. My ex also claimed shopping…can of shaving cream and razors when I always did all the shopping. Im happy you found out when you did…nasty personal behavior and I feel risky behavior and hoping you were minimally exposed to this. It’s said 30 days breaks habits….if so you are well on your way. And I’m not surprised he literally and physically fell apart without you to care for him. I had a very unfaithful DH and a BF in my 40s who ended our relationship and I know how very very painful this is. It’s hard to know how to move forward. I can tell you heartbreak is uniquely painful but it is a pain that goes away with time. And happy to say neither of those clowns from my past are doing as well as I am and you will too! I took comfort in my dc and pets are very comforting…. I just didn’t have any. I was asked “how will you get along” and I borrowed the AA philosophy…one day at a time.

This made me laugh!!! I don’t feel like a grown up most of the time, I’m not sure we ever do. In my head I’m still about 26. Maybe when I’m 80 I’ll feel 50! Thank you though for the compliment

Oh, yes - the struggle to eat thing. Small meals and often. Make sure you've got the vitamins you need. I lost so much weight, forgetting to eat, unable to finish a full meal .... going to bed hungry won't help with the sleep problem.

Bananas are meant to be good before sleep. I did read that when my little ones were toddlers ( which was a long time ago!).

Yeah he's bloody pathetic.

I'm only a year younger than him, and I live on my own, with two small black cats in a very small one bedroom flat. I'm clean, the cats are clean, the flat is clean. I manage all this despite being physically disabled (I have been for 40 years).

If his flat is uninhabitable, it's on him to get that sorted, or find somewhere else to live. It's not your responsibility to run his life anymore...not that it ever was!

Give Big Orange Cat a big cuddle from me x

Hiya @Imustbestupid - saw your thread pop up as active and thought I would say hello.

The Valentines gift and card made me scoff I have to say, going from being a cold customer on 29 January to Mr Sad Scruffbag only a fortnight later. He’s really acting out the playbook to the letter isn’t it he?! I hope that encounter wasn’t too upsetting for you and just reminded you why you are better off without him, but it sounds as if you are getting stronger by the day in being able to view things so objectively - hope the sleep thing gets sorted out before too long.

But on to the REAL man in your life - Big Ginge - so glad he’s fully mended now and I love that he’s commandeered his place under the duvet! He’s your true Valentine of course. Have you booked some fun things to do in the weeks ahead so that you have stuff to look forward to? A meal with friends? A night out somewhere? You are doing so brilliantly, you’ll look back on this time in the future and be amazed at how well you handled things, you really will.

Hello and thank you for your message. Yes I have things arranged, I’m ashamed really how I didn’t make much of an effort with friends previously. You just get used to things being a particular way I suppose. Also had my sister staying with me for a couple of nights. She’s having a really rough time at the moment - she suffers with depression. Big ginger cat has been providing some big ginger therapy.

How are you doing @Imustbestupid ?

Hello, I am good thank you. I still have rocky moments and teary ones but generally ok. And I have a new friend thanks to this - we are supporting one another I hope as we are both in similar situations. She posted on here a while ago and we are in touch so I hope this helps her too.

Oh I'm so glad you found a friend. When I leave your post, I can't help but worry abt you
I'm glad you are improving. All the best and lots of love x

I just wanted to say that I have read all your posts and I’m sorry that you are going through this. It’s so lovely that you have your big orange cat for company. I went through similar with little white dog alongside me and having a pet is very comforting.

I hope you get your sleep sorted out, I used phenergen for a while and it helped.

You sound like a lovely person and don’t deserve to be treated like you were by a lying cheating man, in the long run you will be so much better with him out of your life. Everything people say is true and you will come through this and things will be better. You and big orange cat will be unstoppable!

Hi glad you are gradually on the way to your very personal recovery, well done. I think of you probably daily wondering if your OK, as I was there 30 years ago. I found my 2 babies, one disabled the other 18 months old very very comforting. Throughout all the horrible heartache and crying I clung to my babies and they saved me. Seeing then smiling through adversity, still brings tears to my eyes now. They were wonderful babies and wonderful adults now, as I ignored my ex husband , channelled everything into them, made them my focus, and built my world around them, they saved me. I'm so grateful to them, I love them more than words can express. You will find your children will focus your thoughts. It will be a fight for survival from now on. It is a very primal, maternal, individual fight all of your own, but you will find it and realise how resilient and adaptable you all are, until one day you think luck you to your ex and your children's father. I became so single minded, determined and my thought never wavered from determining a future for us all. There were times of he'll and tears and tiredness, and times when it felt everything was going wrong, and what the he'll next moments. But now, with hindsite, I know I did the right thing. Single parents are brilliant, and the people who shine through, trying to raise children single handed . I applaud you and anyone else who has had to do it. I'm very proud of you. Good luck and love to you. X

Unless you are sensitive to potassium in which case they will give you horrible nightmares.

Karma…….