He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

Hi OP,
I’ve been silently watching you going through the motions but felt compelled to message and cheer you on. As a woman in my mid 30’s I read ‘I am 51’ as ‘this is the perfect time for you to begin again on your own terms’.
You sound so compassionate and in tune with your emotions, you are well established and self sufficient with no ties- not to mention having your wonderful Big Orange Cat by your side.
Keep trudging on as brighter days are coming ❤️🍊

Have u tried Rescue Remedy night.?

I'd love to say your Ex will have learnt a lesson from all this but I really doubt that. Men like him take all your kindness for granted and he hopes his new trampy persona will make some woman take pity and rescue him. You'll be much better off with big orange cat for cuddles

Wrt sleeplessness... I run Audible all night (on a fairly low level) and swear by non-fiction. Anything narrated by Stephen Fry or Bill Bryson is guaranteed to sedate me (sorry chaps!) and if I find myself lying sleepless and awake - at least I am learning something!

Big orange cats for the win! (Only don't tell my terrier, who serves the purpose of a big orange cat but won't let me have one).

Perhaps he never did manage to find any washing powder after you refused to give him some last month?!

Just read your thread. I’m impressed that after having such a shock you simply refused to put up with his sleazy behaviour and acted so decisively.

It sounds like you have good friends, a decent job, your own home and ginger companion. I wish you all the best moving forward

Am howling at this 😂😂 how it can go so quickly from wishing ill on someone to the proclamation of love for cats of the red variety. Hilarious 😂

Only come across this thread today, so late to the party. Hope you're doing OK.

Lack of sleep - are you going over what's happened in your head, his actions, your responses, what might have happened at the time, what might happen in the future? Busy head?? My suggestion - write it down, I've got stuff in my draft emails going back to when I found out - and this was 13 years ago this month! - so it's documented and I don't have to think about it, get it out of my head and not dwell. Tapping stuff out while watching telly, long ranty draft emails, going over the sht he pulled while I was still unaware (family night out and he's tapping away on his phone to her / his Mum staying at Christmas and he's off on long walks with the dog on the phone to her etc). The stuff he's said (he'd obviously practiced the "We can't get back together, I've had my eyes opened (by how sweet and lovely she was)" - and my response "Ain't we all'! The "You should have been a better wife" stuff. His internet browsing on some XXX sordid websites (he wasn't IT savvy and the ugh stuff I found when I finally caught on)! I can re-read that stuff in low moments and think thank Gd I don't have to deal with that crap anymore!

It's early days - I'd suggest spend some time getting to know the new you, get some new hobbies.

Re sleep or lack off. I had similar problem. Definitely as much exercise out in the air as much as possible during the day. I also readjusted my body clock and alarm goes off at 6.30 every morning. I don’t necessarily get up I might just get a cup of tea up and read in bed for a while. Then when 9pm comes round I am tired enough to fall asleep right away usually. I play a sleep meditation and usually am asleep before it ends.

So sorry to read this. It's a very difficult situation. This happened to me 7 years ago, I've tried to forget, but can't. Its never the same again, the trust is gone, Now at the point where I need to take action for my own sanity! I just want to be on my own now!

Enjoy your Bridget Jones movie today, @Imustbestupid , and enjoy the fact he's all trampy and unwashed while you're now living a great life free from him. Of course, you do realise he blames you for his current state because you wouldn't let him have your laundry detergent, don't you? 😂😂😂

Best of luck to you and Big Orange Cat from me and my mad orange girl..

Hello 👋 I've just randomly come across this thread and wanted to say what a lovely person you seem. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of this, but wow, you're absolutely amazing in how strong you are!
As for the sleep issue, I have a teenager with SEN (as per my username) and if you're just struggling to fall asleep, melatonin is great! (it's a natural hormone that our bodies create) the only issue is that you can't buy it here in the UK. It's on shelves in supermarkets in the USA and Canada. You can legally buy it online (I use Piping Rock website) it takes about a week to arrive but it's a legit website, and reasonably priced too.
My teen is also prescribed phenergan, which is an allergy/travel sickness drug that you can buy otc, it helps you to sleep and stay asleep too. I've bought that for myself previously for my perimenopausal sleep struggles.
The usual natural stuff is no screens for at least an hour before bed, dark, cool room etc, but I'm sure you've already tried all of that.

From one tired lady to another, I hope you keep as strong as possible and give big ginger puss a stroke from me please 😊 sending you a huge hug and best wishes for a good night's sleep!

Thank you for this. I’ll check out piping rock. 🤞

Big Hugs OP. I got cheated on and he denied it till he was blue in the face. So I carried on with the relationship but I never trusted him again. In fact I was a complete bitch to him because I was seething with anger and resentment. So I think once the trust is gone, the relationship is over even if it takes a few more years to be 'officially' over if that makes sense.

I would have been better to cut my losses and just get out when it happened. You know how it goes though, you start doubting yourself and of course you want to believe he didn't do it so you don't have the upset of another relationship ending.

I should have known better. He lied about his age to me by 6 years and I found out by chance months later and he couldn't understand why I was upset about it. He also used to tell people he went to private school went he didn't. Crazy.

I spent the first few days after our end not being able to eat (and that never happens!) and feeling completely panicked and disorientated. Thankfully I had help financially to buy a place of my own and thankfully I really liked the new place.

As for me I'm alone with a wee fluffy dog (who also sleeps in the bed with me, well on top of it at least). We broke up years ago and I still from time to time think about things to do with the relationship. I think I have been through every emotion - anger, hurt, humiliation, betrayal, dread, fear, panic, shock.

What pisses me off the most was we had a dog that was just a puppy when we split. He told me if I didn't want the dog to put him in a dog's home as he couldn't have the responsibility if he was going to be single. I was horrified as he always made himself out to be such an animal lover. I was glad to get the dog though. I love the wee soul with all my heart although it was another worry to deal with at the time. I found out he had told everyone he let me take the dog as I needed it more than him. What a bloody saint eh! The funniest bit was how I came to know this. I met him in the street years later. I tried to pretend I hadn't seen him cos I couldn't be bothered making small talk but he chased me down the street yelling my name making it impossible not to stop (he was married again by this time). So we had a chat and exchanged news etc and he told me he was glad he had been able to give me the dog because I need him more than him. WTF. He had obviously told the story so many times he forgot it was a pile of shit and so actually repeated it to me!

The arse then went on to slag off his new wifes house and her dog. Disloyal toad.

Anyway I just wanted you to know you are not alone and there are plenty of lying cheating men. They are ten a penny. Nothing special.

Thank god you never sold your house and got married to him cos that would have been so more worse to sort out. I promise you will survive. And yes I sometimes get sad when I see couples etc but I figure I would rather be just me and the dog and have peace of mind. You can't put a price on that.
That's not to say I will never have another relationship again. Life for me got really busy after we split with new jobs, property renovations, caring responsibilities and of course looking after his royal furryiness.

Anyway big hugs. Keep posting here for as long as you like. Plenty of us have been where you are and understand.

Start writing down exactly whom benefits from him returning.

You certainly don't.
Skivvy, cook, laundry fxxking fairy, thats what he's missing.

He was really nasty to you.
He doesn't love you.

He does however miss your skivvy skills, he misses that for sure.

How any women could find a dirty, smelly, helpless cheat attractive, is beyond me.

Being your own boss, free to live your life, and think only of yourself and your cat, sounds like a glorious win to me😁

I think you need to stand in front of the mirror and practice saying clamly, firmly, without emotion.."I'm so sorry, but my life is so much better without you in it, there is absolutely no going back.....but I wish you well. Please don't contact me again as I WILL involve the police for harassment".

Please do not think pigs like him miss anyone, other than what they can do for them.

My friends sister had a husband like this and she is so nice.
They were married 8 years and he always behaved like he was this great man who married her despite her not being able to have children. Twat.
He refused to adopt.

She found out that he was having a long term thing with a married colleague, like a fwb arrangement.
His office knew from their work trips away.
She felt so humiliated as he was very controlling of her free time.

He threatened to spilt up and he was very arrogant about it.
She said ok and he walked out.
He wanted back in quickly but it was her house before they married and her solicitor brother acted quickly for her.

They divorced but she had to buy him out of the househthat she alone paid every morgage payment for🙄.

Two years on and things are vastly different for them both.
His fwb dumped him for a new guy in the office and has walked away from her marriage and transferred office.

My friends father died and they have all come into a substantial inheritance that they didn't expect would be so large.

Her finances have never been better and she is now a very well off woman in her late 40's that can retire whenever she likes.
She met a widower at a colleagues wedding only last November, with two pre teens and while they are taking things very very slowly, she has never looked better.

She ran into her ex at Christmas and he was so full of regret and she couldn't get away from him quick enough.

He knows all about her good fortune and is so hurt they won't be able to realise "their travel dreams together".
His face was an absolute picture apparently when she told him that she still intended to travel as she had now met someone else and was really happy.

Single life isn't so great and he misses what they had dearly apparently.
He tried texting her after they met and she had to reply that it was over and not to contact her again.

She told my friend that she didn't know if the widower will go anywhere, but it did her heart and soul good to see his stunned face when she told him SHE had moved on.

Long term, users are NEVER a good bet OP.

For sleep, anxiety issues Google 'calm palm' or 'calm carry'. You can get much cheaper ones on Amazon to test them out. I do believe it helps me, maybe not to sleep but to not lay in bed getting more and anxious which in turn helps me to sleep. It's like a tens machine for you hand and there's something about the buzzing sensation in your hand that just takes away that awful stillness and silence when you're alone and can't sleep.

He hasn’t washed any clothes in the time since you kicked him out? ….well that’s his way of punishing you for no longer doing his laundry and for not responding to his doorstep plea for laundry detergent. Stupid man doesn’t realise, yet, that punishing and manipulating you isn’t going to result in you caving in and feeling sorry for him.

Honestly OP, what the heck is wrong with you. If you aren’t going to take him back, at least you could be lovingly handling his filthy slimy laundry.

I think I'd want to tell him to reach out to the OW for help.

Plus I'd remind him of the saying "Act in haste, repent at leisure" or "You made your bed, now lie in it".

He didn't give a shit about you while he was off cheating on you not once but (at least) twice and now he expects you to feel sorry for him?! I'm glad that you have the real life support of your friends.

There are good men out there OP.

What he's done is on him and him alone.

You're still the woman you were before you met him, with a good family and friends.
He can't take that away from you.

In the beginning it is hard as you feel like someone has literally pulled the rug under your feet.

He's made you wiser than before, so for the next relationship if you choose, you know what not to tolerate from the beginning.

Well done for ending it so swiftly. It's easier to hold on and think you can fix them or the relationship, but it never works.

I forgave a cheat and after we broke up 3 years later. He said I'd changed after the incident and although I'd forgiven him, he always felt the unforgetting part throughoutthe relationship.

So the relationship is never the same and you're better off out.
It changes you and you become a shell of your old self.

Getting out everyday will help too. I walked 4 miles before work each day after the break up. A big help mentally and gradually moved on from him.

You're lucky to have your parents being so supportive and the friends you have. You sound like a great person and things will get better.
All the best.

He said it's all a game, now he's become the human embodiment of "play silly games, win silly prizes." 🤣

You are doing great OP!! :). But just stop seeing your ex in person, you don’t need him popping round ever again, any communicate about money etc can be done via text x I hope you can now see how pathetic he is, and how amazing you are! Please, don’t dwell on him now, move forward and enjoy life, good luck x

Sorry you're going through this. On the sleep - it's linked to stress so it's likely to be be a bit up and down. I have tried a few things in the past and everything pharmaceutical gave me a horrendous hangover the next day. The thing that really works is high quality magnesium, even better if it has theanine in it too. Also tiring myself out physically during the day as much as possible. Good luck

The calm app has been a game changer for my sleep. Perimenopausal overthinker here! I put a little story on every night and am always asleep before it finishes. They even have meditations if you wake up in the night to help you go back to sleep. It’s really helped me quiet my mind.

Hello, I've just seen your thread and read your updates. I'm in a similar position, or was was, my relationship broke down last May and I split up with my partner. We are both in our 50s. I ended up leaving him and starting again buying a house, getting a job, getting back in touch with friends. I also got myself a ginger cat!

I can't lie, it's not been easy, lots of ups and downs. We are totally no contact and we live a long way from each other which helps as I don't bump into him.

But, 9 months on things are getting easier. I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I don't ever think I'll want to meet anyone ever again, but I'm getting happier on my own and with my furbaby!

PM me if you ever need to chat xx

Gosh thanks everyone for all the replies. Lots of wisdom on here! It is getting easier and I think I miss having ‘a person’ rather than actually missing him as he turned out not to be the person I thought he was. Far from it in actual fact! To the poster who said don’t see him, that’s not easy as he lives very close to me so, unless I stop going out, I will probably inevitably bump into him now and again. I don’t really want to sell my house to escape this issue as I like it here and why should I put myself through that. Seeing him in such an awful state yesterday actually helped - I just looked at him and thought what on earth are you letting yourself become?! He’ll be some sad 60 year old soon with nothing in his life but online hook-ups. He has no family and very few friends. I’ve ordered the melatonin so hopefully my sleep will get better. I slept not too badly last night. Big orange cat and I are having a lazy day before I go out later. 🌹to you all x