He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

I bet he is really sorry you caught him now! Don’t buy his act!

Sleeping tips:

mornings: see daylight soon as you get up - open the blinds and go outside (even briefly!) this helps correct the rhythms of night and day that you’re currently out of sync with.

Late afternoon/after work: go for a walk/run/swim anything that raises your heart rate for 30min. Outside is best!

night time: wind down relax an hour before bed. Sleep hygiene - only sleep in bed, no phone no reading.

Good luck - each day you are stronger.

He’s letting himself look ‘collapsed’ as a last shot to get you to take him back. I guarantee he will sort himself out when he doesn’t get a place back in your house.

He is telling you this to illicit guilt at his living situation. You are not responsible for him. He does not want you as an equal partner in a dedicated loving relationship - he wants a maid. All that free labour you probably did around the house for him has gone and he can't be arsed to step up.
Next time he tells you he hasn't done any laundry you should tell him that he won't get many hookups on fab swingers looking like a dirty, sweaty 60 year old so he really should find a laundrette.

What a pathetic excuse of a man.
He turned up like that to make you feel sorry for him, pulling on your good natured heart strings.
Don't waver. Stand tall, remember what a shit he is.
You are doing amazingly well.

What a loser. He’s 60 and can’t manage to get to a laundrette and only showers once a week at the gym which he has access to every day? Which by the way will have sinks which he can have a shave in. Pathetic. Don’t fall for the ruse - he’s just wallowing in self pity because he got caught out!

Edited to add: and sleeping tips: no alcohol (sad, I know, but it really does help), lots of vigorous exercise supplemented with lots of high quality, nutritious food. If you exercise without eating well it can exacerbate low mood in my experience.
You got this!

Stay strong OP. It's just another tactic. You said he was super cold the time before so it does seem like he is playing a strange game with you.
Asda sell fabulous bedtime teabags (much cheaper than the posher ones) and I find watching a bit of a history documentary an hour before bed as a wind down then up to a nice "sleep hypnosis" playing on the Alexa does me a treat when I can't settle x

Those are choices he is making, just as it was a choice to hook up with another woman. I don’t have a washing machine either but I still manage to clean all our clothes etc every week. As pp said, this is an attempt to make you think “ahhh, poor Ex, I am being so mean, he is so sorry that he isn’t coping and he has been punished enough.” No. If he was really sorry, he would leave you alone and respect the huge hurt and distress he caused you, and he would accept the consequences of his actions, not weaponise his own incompetence.

I had an ex like this. He’d become violent and aggressive, and then when I broke up with him he performed weight loss and sadness to try and elicit sympathy. It was all nonsense and as soon as he saw it wasn’t working he got aggressive and angry again. Don’t be fooled, @Imustbestupid

Urgh, what a one man pity show. Stay strong, you are so much better than this big steaming pile of shite that is his life. We're all behind you (and big orange cat) ❤️

Have you tried Nytol for sleeping @Imustbestupid ?

You can get it from chemists without prescription and I find it works for me.

Sounds like he realises now he has ruined a good thing hence the Valentines gifts. Stay strong though x

Don't take him back. He made his bed, now he should lie in it.

He's trying to sneak his way back into your life, because his is uncomfortable now.

Don't let him!

He is really going for the sympathy vote - what an idiot. He is the one for whom the relationship was not enough to make him seek someone else! Now he has all the time in the world to do that but chooses to wallow in self pity. You are not his mum.

I know this is very destabilising, but how had you been doing up to this point? I hope you have been managing to sleep a bit better. Stay strong. You deserve better than him.

Well done. Keep repeating those things to yourself. You are not responsible for him. Gosh.He certainly makes some terrible choices. He had his chance with you. Roses in Valentine’s Day. Must’ve felt so empty and meaningless to you. He’d have been better spending his money on some washing powder.

You need to give him a deadline - time and date

Gosh he's really trying to tug at your heart strings, he is only just realising what a comfy life he had with you and now wants it back, please don't crumble, why should you feel sorry for him, his situation is entirely of his own making.
Stay strong, on a more important subject, how is big orange cat ?

Hi OP, I'm a long-time hard core insomniac. One thing I found is that it is very very common. So don't feel alone!
For me sleep anxiety is the enemy, that is fear of not being able to sleep so I can't. Which is intensely annoying. Also I discovered I only need between 5 and half and 6 hours sleep depending on which parts of the night and early morning I sleep through.
But the universal rule is to get up early and go to bed late until you are sleep deprived then your body will sort out its priorities. Instead of worrying you wont sleep you are focused on trying to stay up until midnight, give I a try.
Also always push through when you have a poor night, go swimming go to the cinema, see friends. And never ever nap in the day. Go out for a walk to stay awake. I watched Pirates of the Caribbean to keep myself awake until midnight. Its very loud.
The main thing is to reduce sleep back to a normal thing. You can't force it so don't bother trying. I just read now when I'm having a wakeful night. I'm still knackered the next day but at least I'm not in a bad mood because I spent 3 or 4 hours angry that I wasn't asleep.
If all else fails there are drugs you can take for a few days but they don't work in the long term. There is an antihistamine called phenergen I still use sometimes, you can get it without a prescription. But sleep restriction and exercise and watching fun TV are the thing I found worked.
And best wishes to your gorgeous cat. And what a big loser your ex is.

You sound a really lovely, generous & kind person Op. But he is just trying to manipulate your good nature to get his feet back under your table, don’t fall for it. If he loved you he wouldn’t have cheated, he won’t change. You deserve a man that will be loyal and treat you well. Good luck going forward.

Ugh, how unattractive.

Men so often stop practising basic hygiene in order to wear their victim status where the world can see.

"The mean lady broke up with me over one silly, small mistake and now I am falling apart".

((Yes, yes. I know depression can cause these things too. I am NOT talking about depression or judging it. Before the MN police come after me))

I wouldn't be entering into any discussions, verbal.or written, nothing to be gained.
Instruct him to desist and only communication needs to be about the removal of his personal property. If ge's dragging his heals, tell him he's to put it in storage - or you will.

Get your locks changed so he can't enter when he wants.

If I struggle to sleep due to overthinking I use Dr Bachs rescue night remedy dropper, it really stops the thoughts and so aids sleep, worth a try to see if it works for you too. I recommended it to a friend recently that was going through an emotional time and couldn’t sleep, she said how great it was too.

Do not take him back. He will be far harder to evict next time!
If he can navigate a sleazy website, he can work a washing machine can't he? He had all that time with you to get his own place sorted and didn't so more fool him

Maybe time to reflect @Imustbestupid that you were anxious about not being able to cope without him.

But turns out he’s the one failing to cope without you. You are the strong one.

" When they want to come back , remember how they left".
You are doing brilliantly. Don't be fooled. Xx

There is nothing less attractive than a man who falls apart when he doesn’t have a woman to mother him - because that’s exactly what that type of man is looking for. Someone to wash their clothes, and make them food, and clear up their mess.

I find that having one or two cans of Trip helps me sleep much better. I’m also trying magnesium supplements (because they are cheaper than Trip). Also listening to something soothing very quietly in the phone helps to keep unwelcome thoughts at bay. I recommend a guide to moorland and mountain birds on BBC sounds, and gardener’s question time.

My best wishes to you, OP. You have been amazing.

Some of what you’ve written here resonates with me.’’I stopped arguing because it was easier, I stopped voicing opinions, I am a shell of the person I was’’
I often wonder where the woman who would push back went, I used to be so feisty.

Well there's your karma OP! He's not loved with his ap. He's regretting his actions simply because he's feeling sorry for himself. The flowers are about him not you. What a prize prick!
That in itself would help me go to sleep with a smile on my face.

When I was in a similar place and having panic attacks on lying down very night I'd do a relaxation technique with breathing and that worked. There's one where you work down your body using a squeezing and letting go technique. It's called the Jacobsons technique. There's a few similar ones like NSDR technique which is used I the army for helping to deal with PTSD.

You'll get there with your sleep when you least expect it. Sending you 💐 x