Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

All this for a bloke you met online at the end of October. I despair and hope your DC comes out of this unharmed and have a safe adult to confide in when it inevitably goes wrong.

“All this for a bloke you met online at the end of October.”

This is the first three months then? This is your honeymoon period. Spending the whole day in bed together, walking in the park holding hands, thinking about him and counting down the days until you see him again, eager to show him your favourite cafe, to read his favourite book, looking at each others musical choices, planning maybe a weekend away, this doesn’t sound like what you’re doing.

You’re hiding from this thread because deep down you know people here are right. They might be doing it in a harsh talking way but that’s because they’ve been there, done that, seen it in other people. They have seen the story right to the end. But you haven’t, you’re only three months in. It’s like a really really shit film at the cinema. It’s okay to walk out, give it a 1 star review and get some bread and milk at the supermarket on the way home. That is not a wasted evening. Sitting there watching a shit film you don’t enjoy? That is a wasted evening.

I have done a clairs law twice.

The first time there was 44 disclosures and I was invited in for the disclosure, they generally invite you in when there are serious acts of domestic abuse to disclose.

I recently done one 3 weeks ago on a new interest , they called me within 24 hours and told me nothing to declare.

They don't normally bother seeing people face to face if there's nothing to declare, chances are this man has either a history of violence or a history of child abuse , as they will also do Sarah's law to check for abuse of children.

I think you need to start getting a safety plan in place for when they disclose and you can end the relationship maybe start to distance yourself claiming you have a busy week and not see him , get disclosure and end it there and then.

You can also get a non molestation if you're concerned for your safety, do you have any children ? You need to keep this man away from your home.

I think you need to start getting a safety plan in place for when they disclose and you can end the relationship maybe start to distance yourself claiming you have a busy week and not see him.
Get disclosure and end it there and then.

@K14dwy you should read the full thread.
The OP has had her disclosure and has chosen to disregard it all, because the man says none of it is true. It's unbelievable.

This is one of the most worrying threads I've ever seen on here.

I must have still been half asleep but I'm sure I read she had an appointment at the police station for disclosure , if she's disregarding the disclosure that's very dangerous, she's accepting that she's OK with being abused, and inviting him to abuse her, that is not OK

She did have an appointment. She attended it. Various things were disclosed. Her boyfriend said they were lies. She's continuing her relationship with him.

I made that same mistake, as it took them 18 months to disclose the first one, by then I married and had a baby to him, a social worker had told me it was title for tattoo between him and ex, so I took that in to consideration , he's now on trial for my attempted unaliving.

Tit for tat sorry auto correct

Attempted "unaliving"?

That’s a bit of a nobhead response to a poster sharing how her ex tried to kill her, dont you think? Especially when she also had the beauty of ‘title for tattoo’ in there…

What a bizarre response to someone who has clearly been abused and attacked by an ex partner.

Don't be a dick.

There’s another Claire’s Law thread running in the relationship group. It reminds me of the similarities in this one.

A man who disclosed ‘false allegations months ago’. It may be wise to read it OP as he’s found out.
I actually wondered if it was you but a few detail changes but could be a glimpse into how things may end up for you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5267162-how-would-you-feel-about-this-response-to-a-clares-law-application

@olivietolivie, how are things going? I think about you on occasion.

Sone forums don’t like the word murder/suicide, so posters find ways around it.

I’d be keeping an eye out for how OP is doing too.

Thank you so much for thinking of me.

I've pondered about updating this thread from time to time but there isn't a huge amount to say. Still seeing each other on the same terms as before ie he hasn't been to mine, no plans to meet DC until at least the summer holidays, if not later. I'm continuing to maintain caution and I know many don't agree but I do still think the risk is limited as I am fully prepared to completely walk away if I am treated badly in anyway. It's not a fairytale, but I'm enjoying the time I spend time with him.

I did read the linked Clare's law post all the way through so thank you to the PP who shared that here.

I am so sorry to hear you are still seeing him and still making excuses. He’s really done a number on you.

You say you’ll walk away IF you are treated badly.

But you have been treated badly - really badly and you didn’t walk away!!

And Clare’s Law has shown you what he’s capable of. And yet here you still are.

OP I'm perturbed to hear you're still with him.

The dynamics between you don't sound great given what happened with you going to bed with him earlier than you'd wanted and then he "playfully" wouldn't let you leave. 😔

It's very very worrying.

At the moment you're seeing each other a listed amount.

Have you said no to him about anything? Eg a date/ a location he's chosen/ sleeping together/ etc. if you haven't - say no to something. See how he reacts. Have you ever had to cancel a date or reschedule?

Have you mentioned any plans with other people eg going on a night out with friends? How he has he been about that?

Have you mentioned any male friends or male colleagues in casual conversation to see how he reacts?

I don't think it's a case of if, it's a case of when.
Why don't you reach out to his ex and get her side of the story?

They don't usually show their bad side until you've either given them information they can hold over you and threaten to tell your family and friends to control you, or until you've moved in together and probably committed too much financially to be able to easily walk away when they show their true colours.
If they were very controlling while you had your own place, life, support network and hadn't given them information about vulnerabilities they could exploit they wouldn't get very far, they'd be ditched before they had taken control.

My mind is boggled that you're cheerfully wading deeper into what you know are dangerous waters.

I can’t watch this thread anymore. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion.

Honestly, I agree. It’s really sad and disturbing.

I have done all of these things, several times over and watched with close interest to see how he reacts and he's genuinely always been fine.

Says he understand that it's important I see friends, encourages me to do it, understands if I have to cancel. Doesn't bat an eye lid when I talk about other men. Doesn't mind when I say I won't make plans for a couple of months time because it's too early.

He clearly wants things to move quicker than it is, as he talks about it often but not in a putting pressure way.

I wouldn't know how to - I don't know their ex.