Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

Well done OP you have done the right thing. Best of luck for the future x

If it helps OP I think everyone here is incredibly proud of you and relieved. It’s okay to be sad even if it’s the correct decision. I think in time it’ll get a lot easier and you’ll be relieved you didn’t keep things going longer

Thanks for the update. I hope your grief passes quickly, and that you meet someone nice in due course. Wishing you all the best!

I’m so sorry OP that you’re sad but I hope you are safe and well. Thank you also for updating: I often wonder what has happened to the women who start these threads and vanish.

You are a stronger person than you realise or believe.

Well done @olivietolivie
I hope he leaves you alone.

Jeez OP, don’t think I’ve been more relieved about a post on here. I know we’ve all been telling you off, but I’m pretty sure it’s all come from a place of trying to show you the right path and to see you and your DD right. Now is a vulnerable time and, if you feel able to, seek support here. I know a lot of the responses, including mine, will have shocked you and/or pissed you off, but you’ll see how much people are willing to invest in supporting you if you give it a go. This place can be a mine of help and information, most posters just want nothing more than to see women and their kids safe. Well done for making the decision, keep safe.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevonmust you continue to be so hostile?

What on earth is the point of this message? Just like kicking someone when they're down?

Your reply made me tearful! Thank you to you and all other posters who have taken the time to reply, even though I must have been quite literally the most frustrating Mumsnet poster to ever have graced these pages.

Fair play to you OP. That can't have been easy. I do hope he leaves you alone did he take it okay?

Your update is a relief to read OP. I kept up with your thread and thought about your situation a lot. Sending a hug x

Well done OP, a brave decision and definitely for the best. Hope you're ok. Don't look back. You know - you KNOW - you are owed so much better than this shitty man gave you, even if some of it was enjoyable. Stay single for a while. Good luck!

That’s such a relief OP. Well done, look after yourself.

Another one here to say that I’m relieved to read your update OP.

I appreciate though that you’re grieving. If abusive men were easy to leave, women would never stay with them. All too often they can be very charming and can be loving, kind, and great company…most of the time.

You’re sad about what you thought it was, what could have been, and what it seemed to be. And it’s ok to feel like that while simultaneously recognising that you’ve done the right thing in walking away. For your safety and for your DD’s sake, I’m so, so relieved.

And thank you for coming back. I know it’s not been easy to post on here. As a PP said, in the vast majority of cases, the scoldings came from a place of concern.

If you ever feel able, it might be helpful to provide more detail about what made you leave him. I’m just thinking it might help another woman who finds this thread in the future. If you don’t feel able to, that’s totally understandable, it’s just a thought.

Be kind to yourself - you’re not the “most frustrating” person. You’re just another woman who was caught by a potentially dangerous man. Walking away is hard when you’re in the thick of it so you can hold you head up 💐

Big hug. Hope you have a better time meeting up with all your friends and making real new ones and enjoy your freedom.

In your own time when you are able report this raping abuser to Police.

Ah I think I spoke for many here, we do care about you and want you safe. I’m glad things are moving in the right direction for you, we’re here.

Thank fuck you've left him. I know it has taken a lot of strength, but you have done the right thing for both yourself and your daughter.

Next steps:

Don't engage with him. He will attempt to manipulate you, whether that's by strategically ignoring you, pleading and crying, threatening to hurt himself, or something else. If he is threatening to you or someone else report him to the police.

Ring doorbell/security, for your peace of mind if nothing else. If he had access to your keys it is always worth changing the locks to your house.

Therapy/freedom program. It never hurts to learn good relationship patterns and reinforce boundaries. There is a reason why some people end up in a string of abusive relationships. This is not a character flaw, it's just a learned behaviour pattern, but it can be unlearned.

You deserve to be happy and safe, and you can be. Remember that what you have done is not easy. You should be very, very proud of yourself for making and acting on this decision.

Well done, Op. Many of us who posted have been in a similar situation, and we know what it feels like. Be kind to yourself. And treat yourself - you deserve it even if you don't think so right now.

OP, I think you’ve been very resilient in coming back here so often despite getting such a hard time. As someone else said, it’s just worry and frustration on the part of people who could see what you couldn’t. But it’s always easier to see clearly when you’re not on the inside of a situation. Anyway, I’m really glad for you and your child that you have moved on. Wishing you all the best.

I should probably start a separate thread as it’s entirely unrelated to the Clare’s law issue but… sigh. I bloody miss him! On auto pilot I reach for my phone to call him but of course i can’t. I think about him all the time. When will this end!

You’ve made the right decision for your daughter Op and in moments of weakness I think you have to focus on that. It would have been wrong to continue seeing this man when you have a child. It would be wrong to get back in touch with him. Keep away from him and focus on the fact you made a decision in the best interests of your child.

Are you in a position to have some counselling? I think it might be really beneficial to speak to a professional and explain what happened so that they can almost reiterate what we’ve explained on here about how dangerous this man is to you and how important it is for you, and your daughter, that you hold firm and never have contact with him again.

I find having a professional or semi authority figure tell you that sort of gives you permission to then accept the finality of it. Hope that wasn’t too garbled! I am so relieved you’ve ended it, thank god ❤️

Whether you ended things because of what’s in this thread or for other reasons, it is for the best and it WILL get easier. In the meantime, we’re all here sending support 💐

It isnt completely unrelated at all. He is the same person.

Can you speak to your gp and ask if they have a counselling referral at all? To address all your issues that led to you continuing the relationship in the first place? Or do you have a work based counselling service? There is one in my work place package.

It might help to write down the reasons you ended it so you can refer back to it.

Did he meet your child?

It will take time. Is there someone else you can message eg a friend or family member, when you want to message him.

I think a list of the reasons why you ended the relationship to look back on is also a good idea as a PP suggested.

Be kind to yourself but don’t be tempted back. You deserve better.